For in this form it is herself who really feels the oppression and trampling of the soul, and not someone else. Others can put their heads down and take a nap secretly, they can cut their nails, they can scribble on scraps of paper with a pen, they can pick their nostrils, they can scratch their ears and cheeks, they can think wildly...... It will pass, it will pass, it will all pass, it will always pass...... That's all she can do to soothe herself. She had changed, she was emaciated, and she was often stunned.

One day, she was sitting alone in her office pensively, and the battalion commander walked in. She knew it was him who walked in. She didn't move, didn't look at him. He tore off his fur hat from his head and said incoherently, in despair: "I can't stand it anymore! I can't bear it any longer!" Communist Party member...... Akito doesn't do dark things...... Although we don't have ...... That one...... But I want to ...... The thought of it...... I didn't have any stain on my file, but it was on my heart...... A red heart of a Communist Party member to the party will be stained from now on! I will take the initiative to confess my serious mistakes at the battalion party committee, and I will put my ...... The ugly soul is completely exposed in front of everyone! I ...... I am not a human being! I am willing to accept everyone's criticism! I want to ask for party discipline to be punished! I ...... I don't deserve to be a battalion commander...... Fuck me...... A Communist Party member has a red heart for the Party...... What a fucking shit......"

This Shandong man was in pain, and because he spoke too quickly, his mouth was full of foam, like a crab. He said as he tore at his neckline, and a button jumped. He seemed to be a little deranged, a little scary and a little pitiful.

She stood up slowly, glanced out the window, turned sharply, and said in a low but hateful voice, "Don't scream! you can't stand it? Why don't you ask me if I can stand it?......" He stared at her with his mouth half open. She said word by word, "I can't bear it, I have to endure it!" and he froze. The green tendons of his thick neck bulged, his protruding Adam's apple moved up and down, and his mouth gurgled as if he was struggling to swallow something that was about to gush out of his mouth. She thought: If you really have a ghost in your heart, you should grit your teeth and suffocate it in your heart! Don't let it come out and scare yourself and others! "If you dare to confess half a sentence, I will kill myself!" Her words were cold and swishing. She wasn't threatening him, that's what she thought in her heart, and she would. He stared blankly at her. He gradually lowered his head, gradually turned his tall and burly body, silently pushed the door open, and walked out silently. She still stood dumbfounded against the table, staring at his dogskin hat that had fallen on the kang, motionless for a long time. The dog's skin hat seems to have turned into a dog and is on the kang. How selfish people are! Is it me or him who is selfish? For the first time, she treated her party introducer as viciously as she did today. Blemishes, Errors...... Do these two words explain that thing? Man, man, why do you torture yourself and abuse yourself when you are not tormenting others and not being tortured by others? Is it true that people have souls just to abuse others or to abuse themselves? She suddenly fell on the table and began to cry bitterly.

"Instructor, why are you crying?......" "Instructor, what is wrong with you?......" She tried to stop crying, wipe away her tears, and pretend to be fine, but it was too late. It was Xiao Zhou and Xiao Sun who walked in. They stood in the doorway and hesitated for a moment, then walked up to her at the same time, one on the left and one on the right, and both of them pressed their hands lightly on her shoulders, leaning down to question her with concern. "Nothing...... I...... Suddenly I felt a little annoyed......" she said embarrassedly. The first time she was found crying, she really felt ashamed. Xiao Sun said uneasily: "Instructor, we used to treat you ...... It's so intimate, don't you take it to heart......"

She touched Xiao Sun's hand on her shoulder, and said with a wry smile: "Don't think so, it's when everyone is upset, women love to cry when they are upset, I'm also a woman......"

Xiao Sun said sincerely: "Instructor, this is the first time I have heard you say such things! If you have any troubles in your heart, can't you put down the instructor's shelf and talk to the two of us? We will not keep it secret from you in the future, and we will also tell you ......."

Xiao Sun, a telephone operator who is four years younger than her, is a lively Shanghai girl, but sometimes she is too kind and cute. She shook her head slightly. I can't say it, silly girl! I can't say it to you, I can't say it to anyone, I'll never say it! That's not ordinary troubles and sorrows, it's a devil! It will frighten you, and I'm going to suffocate it in my own heart!

Xiao Zhou is two years older than Xiao Sun and is more sensible. She said: "Stop pestering the instructor, you're not causing trouble to people?...... After that, she pulled Xiao Sun out, walked to the door and turned her head and said, "Instructor, we'll bring you back at noon!"

After the two girls walked out, she immediately stood up, took a handkerchief from her pocket, washed it in the basin a few times, and wiped her face in a panic......

Three days later, the logging teams of each company were assembled in the battalion. Originally, a deputy battalion commander was supposed to lead the team into the mountains, but the battalion commander had to go. No one could resist him, so he had to let him. He led the team out of the battalion headquarters on the same day, and did not say goodbye to anyone, but just wrote down some unarranged work on paper and asked people to transfer it to her...... As soon as the logging team got into the deep mountains and old forests, they did not come out for three or four months. She pressed the page left by the battalion commander under the glass plate, and often stared at it blankly, thinking: Who are you running away from? What are you running away from? Man, man, you are more cowardly than women...... The deputy battalion commander was so happy that someone would go into the mountains for him, so he took family leave and rushed back to his hometown in Jilin to celebrate the reunion with his wife and children. The work of the whole battalion fell on her shoulders alone. She silently dealt with all kinds of problems reported by various companies, mediated contradictions within the leading group of a certain company, promoted unity between companies, inspected the maintenance and maintenance work of the whole battalion, learned about the ideological situation of young intellectuals, and made mobilization reports on family planning...... Her ability to do her job has never been so fully utilized. Soon after, the regiment instructed the 3rd Battalion to draw 600 strong laborers to participate in the battle of the whole regiment to build water conservancy. She became the commander-in-chief of the third detachment of the water conservancy army as a matter of course. Almost all the staff of the battalion organs were also incorporated into the detachment, and only the telephone clerk Xiao Sun was left to guard the transfer station and answer the telephone; the administrator opened a letter of introduction and stamped it.

Six hundred people lived in makeshift sheds and broken cotton tents on the site. It is necessary to build a stone dam between the two mountains, blow up the slopes of the two mountains, and build a reservoir bottom dozens of meters deep. Six hundred of them wore their worst and dirtiest clothes from the company, like a group of hard laborers. Although the attitude of the 600 people is not enthusiastic, it can at least be said to be very conscious. Because they were all party members of the various companies, and they believed after mobilization, this was by no means the Marshall Plan. The design drawings of the reservoir were not the whims and whims of a certain leader in the regiment, but were carefully drawn by several professors invited from the Provincial Agricultural College after on-the-spot investigation. As long as the sweat is not in vain and the strength is not in vain, people will not complain or complain. It was a time when the spirit could easily turn people into material, and material things were cheap. A pennant can make a squad, a platoon, a company, a battalion, or even a regiment and a division forget that they are human beings and not labor machines......

Explosions continued every day on the construction site, and boulders rolled down the hillside and were carried away by a pair of shoulders. The sound of trumpets, the sound of chisels, the clashing of iron picks and solid stones, and the sound of the construction site propagandists coming from the loudspeakers all resounded.

It was the best time for her to combine her organizational skills and sense of responsibility. She is both a commander-in-chief and an ordinary laborer. She carried stones, drills, pickaxes, she did everything, as if she wanted to exhaust herself. However, her not strong body seemed to have been injected with stimulants, and she lost her normal response to exertion.

She could fully understand why the battalion commander had to replace the deputy battalion commander and lead the logging team into the deep mountains and old forests. Six hundred people spent Chinese New Year's Eve on the construction site. Several male and female educated youths were transferred from each company, and the day before, they sharpened their guns and rushed to rehearse a few programs, which were nothing more than two-person turns, counterwords, counting treasures, allegro, Shandong Kuaishu, male chorus, female chorus, male and female chorus...... The content is nothing more than good people and good deeds on the construction site. It was performed for 600 people in the snow and under the moonlight. But very few people went to see it, and they looked at it tastelessly for a while, shouted, and dispersed.

Before breakfast the next day, all the leaders of the companies came to her and asked for permission to return to the company for the soldiers. She asked the group for instructions, but the group did not agree. There was widespread discontent. This dissatisfaction is justified. Since they are on a three-day holiday, why don't they go back to their respective companies to have a look? The veteran workers have to go back to take care of their uneasy household affairs, and the young intellectuals are also looking forward to the letters and parcels sent to the company. It is also reasonable for the regiment not to agree: What if the 600 people cannot be regrouped within three days? The dam will not be completed as scheduled by the end of March, and the flood water from several rivers will be sent down, and the previous achievements may be lost......

But she still made her own mind -- anyone who wanted to go back to the company could do so! After the leaders of each company conveyed her words, the construction site was full of cheers. Someone even shouted, "Long live the instructor!" and an hour later, 600 people disappeared from the construction site without a trace. The regiment got the news. The regiment commander personally called, and his tone was quite stern: "Xiao Yao, you are so bold! After three days, 600 people will not be able to gather, and I will hold your whole regiment criticism meeting!"

She said calmly: "Commander, you'd better remove me as an instructor, I don't want to be an instructor for a long time" "You!" came the sound of the regiment commander slapping the table. She gently lowered the microphone. The regimental commander never got angry with her. She had never been so presumptuous with the regimental commander. However, something happened that I had never imagined. What was the underlying cause of all this strongly rebellious behavior? Was it her own bad character? or the sweater? It was hard for her to admit that her personality had changed for the better or for the worse. Even if it becomes bad, it is more human than her previous good character. As for the sweater, she was sure it was knitted with great care. The first sweater a woman knitted made made much more sense than the first pair of shoes made by an apprentice shoemaker. She thought: Whoever doesn't understand this truth can't even comprehend the least human nature.

She decided not to return to the battalion headquarters and remained alone on the construction site. Loneliness had made her feel empty, and she was no longer afraid of it. Emptiness is sometimes a natural phenomenon of the human mind, just as fog is a natural phenomenon of the universe. Man does not have to shy away from natural phenomena, and it is the most unnatural behavior of man to cover up all the most natural things.

She wondered why she had these strange thoughts in her head. Is it natural? Or is it unnatural? She felt that she was about to become a philosopher with whom she was constantly in a sophistry...... Xiao Zhou was originally going back to the camp headquarters, but suddenly decided to stay with her. She knew in her heart that Xiao Zhou's return to the battalion headquarters was fake, and it was true that he wanted to go to the 13th Company. She forced Xiao Zhou to take the carriage of the Thirteenth Company, but Xiao Zhou refused to say anything.

When it was dark, the two men burned the big iron stove in the tent red, and moved the bunks closer, and neither of them interfered with the other, but leaned on the quilt to do their own thing. Xiao Zhou read the letter, and she wrote the letter on her lap with a hardcover notebook.

She finished writing a three-page letter, and Xiao Zhou hadn't finished reading the letter. She couldn't help asking, "Who wrote you such a long letter?" and read it as a book!" "He ......," Xiao Zhou replied without raising his head. "The ...... of the Thirteenth Company Classmates?" she asked curiously. A female instructor became curious about the letter of her subordinate boyfriend, and she felt that her female instructor had become unorthodox and uncharacterized. Xiao Zhou raised his head and smiled at her in acquiescence. She couldn't ask anything more, and couldn't find anything else to do for a while, so she lay down on the quilt and thought: How nice it would be if anyone could write such a long letter to herself! Xiao Zhou seemed to guess what she was thinking, and asked, "Do you want to read it, instructor?" "I? I read the letter your boyfriend wrote to you? You are really joking!"

Her face turned red. Xiao Zhou chuckled and said, "What's the matter? You can copy it on the blackboard newspaper for everyone to read!" She said: "It's a pity that the whole group probably can't find such a big blackboard!" Xiao Zhou said: "Instructor, you don't seem to believe it, don't believe it, let me read it to you!" She covered her ears with her hands: "You are so shy! I don't listen to it!" Xiao Zhou said: "You don't listen to my biased thoughts." He's writing a very good letter! Really! Listen...... I began to read: Honey, kiss you. You already know how much I love you. But you don't necessarily realize how important you are to me. So in this letter I want to tell you this truth - a good woman is a school. A good man goes out into the world through a good woman. School! We women are a school! I cried when I saw this line!"

She deliberately said in an indifferent tone: "Comrade Clerical, that only proves that you yourself are carried away by the sweet words of love. The hands that covered their ears couldn't help but let go.

Comparing a woman to a school is a great idea. It was the first time in her life that she had heard such words. No wonder some people say that love makes people smart. The beginning of the letter is very unsettling.

Xiao Zhou didn't care if she was listening or really didn't want to listen, so he read it excitedly: "A man's 100 boyfriends are not as good as a good woman, and a man's 100 boyfriends can't replace a good woman." A good woman is an education. A good woman exudes a beautiful spring breeze and rain-like wonderful atmosphere, she is the indomitable power of a good man to find himself, to himself, and then to life heroically. ”

Gradually, she sat up.

Xiao Zhou continued: "A foreign poet wrote this poem: There is no more dexterous teacher in the world than the first love of a girl / not only suppresses all the vile things in the hearts of men / but also teaches them noble thoughts, lovely words, politeness, bravery, a heart for the pursuit of truth / and everything that makes a man a dignified man." ”

Xiao Zhou looked at her, and asked silently: Instructor, don't you think this letter is well written?

She whispered, "Yes!"

So Xiao Zhou began to read again: "This truth is simple and profound: the world is made up of men and women, and when there is a good woman by your side, your world is complete." 'Women are the enzymes of social change and development. ’”

"What?" she asked, not understanding.

"Enzymes. Xiao Zhou repeated these two words aloud and said, "Don't interrupt me, listen carefully." The sentence just now was said by Marx, and the letter reads. Listen again: When you go to the battlefield and a battlefield-like life, and there is a good woman behind you to see you off, then death is not terrible. When you feel physically and mentally exhausted, a gentle hand is placed on your forehead, and when you wake up, you are a vigorous person again. When you are confused and lazy, sighing for inferiority, and unable to stand up for your waist, the gentle accusations of a good woman, like a whip, whip you forward. ”

Xiao Zhou read this and stopped again. This time, she asked with her mouth instead of her eyes: "Instructor, how beautiful it is! Every woman who reads such a letter will swear to be a good woman!" This twenty-three-year-old girl, who is usually very quiet and good at storing feelings, was moved to tears by this letter from her lover. It was as if she had not complimented the letter, and would have quarreled with her at once.

"I didn't interrupt you!" she said, "I'm listening!"

The excitement made Xiao Zhou's tone tremble: "A good woman makes people up." Things tend to be like this: men are tired, men are confused, men are miserable, men are manic. And a good woman is gentler, a good woman is calmer, a good woman is more patient, and a good woman is the most willing to sacrifice. A good woman warms the man and at the same time makes up for the incompleteness and naivety of the man, so the man goes out into the world like a real man. Men in the world think about women, and women think about men, for thousands of years. A good man needs a good woman, and a good woman needs a good man. How nice it is that everyone can be satisfied......"

Silent.

In silence, she thought: Xiao Zhou, how happy you are! Every woman will be jealous of you when she hears you read this letter! The young man who can write this letter, his love is the most precious thing in the world for a girl.

She muttered, "Are you done?"

Xiao Zhou said: "I'm done." ”

"But it sounds like it's not over there," she said. ”

Xiao Zhou hesitated for a moment and said, "There is still half a page left to finish." This half page is quite disappointing...... I'm not a good man yet, so I can't write a letter like this. But I think you're my good woman! I love you so much. With your love, I will be a dignified man. I copied this letter from someone else, and it was secretly copied from among all the lads of our company, and even the girls began to copy it secretly. You must not let the instructor find out about this letter, and perhaps she will carry out a general investigation of the whole camp...... Kiss you...... Finished. ”

"That's it...... Finished?"

"That's it...... Finished. ”

"It's a bit of a disappointment. ”

"So I don't want to finish it. ”

The letter ended like this, and she couldn't guess it even if she had been guessing it for three days and three nights in advance.

After a long time, she was silent.

Yes, she thought, if such a letter had fallen into her hands a few months ago, she would have carried out a general investigation in all the companies of the battalion, and she would have written a detailed report to the regimental political department. But after all that night, no, rather, after she started knitting that sweater, she was already sensing something with a woman's heart. The lychee is ripe, and the pit is hard. The walnuts are ripe and the shells are hard. Her mindset has changed, but people can still only see its shell.

She smiled wryly again.

Xiao Zhou asked a little uneasily, "Instructor, what are you laughing at?"

She replied calmly, "Laugh at myself." ”

"You...... Are you really angry?"

"Am I mad at whom?"

"It's good that you're not angry. ”

"I'm not angry. ”

"Instructor, you said the letter was well written...... Is it beautiful?"

"Beautifully written. ”

"Do you really think so?"

"Really. ”

"Instructor, you're speaking to me for the first time. ”

"In the future, I will speak to you from the heart. ”

"Thank you, Instructor. ”

"I should thank you for reading such a beautiful letter to me. ”

"I know you're going to be willing to listen. ”

"Really?"

"Hmm. ”

Xiao Zhou stood up, like a triple jumper, jumped lightly, jumped over two bunks, landed beside her with a thud, sat down, grabbed an arm from behind her back, put his hand on her shoulder, snuggled up to her affectionately, and said: "Instructor, I stayed with you just to find an opportunity to talk to you about my heart! Instructor, you should also fall in love, you are twenty-five years old! What kind of young man should you like? If you can trust me, just tell me, and I will help you find out!" Beloved, like a bird flying in the sky, you must pay attention to it. Once you find it, you have to find a way to catch it. I don't think I can do it without love now, really! Why should people pretend that they can't get along with themselves? Instructor, sometimes I feel very sorry for you, don't you really want a young man to love you? I see him every week. I can't make it through the next week without seeing me, and neither can he. When I saw each other, even if I only said a few words, or even didn't say anything, and looked at each other for a while, I was satisfied and down-to-earth. Without his love for me, my heart would be empty and dead. Really, I'm telling the truth......"

"Say no more!"

"You don't like to hear it?"

"Who will love me?"

"You have to be able to love others first!" Xiao Zhou said to her as if he was stubbornly proving that he could also be her instructor, "I read the letter he copied to me at least twenty times, and every time I read it, I was moved to tears. He's not such a good man, he's average-looking, he's a fierce smoker, and he's quite sloppy...... But I'm already in love with him, what can I do? I don't want to go against my heart! I don't care what others think of me, as long as I miss him, I will try to meet him, and there are not many good men and not many good women like what is written in that letter. I'm an ordinary woman, he's an ordinary man. Ordinary women need a man's love more, and ordinary men need a woman's love more. That's it, that's it!"

"But you're not a woman, you're only twenty-three years old, and you're still a girl. ”

"A woman becomes a woman because she is in love!"

Hearing this, she couldn't help but turn her face to look at Xiao Zhou for a long time.

"Isn't it disgraceful to fall in love with a young man at the age of twenty-three? You have to stay up until you are twenty-eight or nineteen years old to become an old girl before you can love? I don't want to! Even if there is such a law, I will defy the law!" Xiao Zhou became indignant.

"You can do that, but I can't. When I was twenty-three years old, I became an assistant instructor. The XPCC clearly stipulates that men and women under the age of 28 are not allowed to fall in love. She said lightly, and added, "Besides, even the above educated youth cadres have to report to the party organization when they fall in love, and you know this." At the same time, I thought to myself: I became an assistant instructor at the age of twenty-three, which may be a great misfortune.

"But if you fall in love with someone now, you won't ...... with the battalion commander" Xiao Zhou suddenly realized that he had lost his mouth and swallowed the second half of his sentence.

Her whole body froze like cement for a moment. She didn't move, she sat stiffly, staring blankly into a corner.

The fragmented self-esteem that took a long time to be welded piece by piece was shattered by someone else's face-to-face blow!

How fragile is the restored self-esteem!

"Instructor, I ...... I...... I didn't mean to say this......" Xiao Zhou panicked, hugged her, and eagerly explained, confessing, "What happened that night...... I'm not going to say half a word to anyone! Really! I swear! I don't see anything...... I'll always ...... If I do, I'll be blind......ed!" But I'm so sorry for you and I'm afraid of you! You should love someone, but you must not do stupid things! You don't love him, this is impossible! You start to love too! But don't do stupid things! Why don't you love instead of doing stupid things......" Xiao Zhou buried his face in her arms.

She didn't answer anything. She had nothing to answer. She just gratefully clenched the hand of the battalion clerk with one hand tightly, tightly.

Her heart was oozing blood again......

"It's time for the princess to get up!"

With a line-like sentence, the door opened. My sister walked in with a steel tray with both hands, and on the tray were two steel cups with lids and a few slices of bread.

The younger sister walked to her bed, not knowing where to put the tray, and when she turned around and saw a chair not far from the bed, she stretched out a long leg, hooked the horizontal edge of the chair with her toes, hooked the chair to the side of the bed, and then put the tray on the chair.

She came back to reality from the past that seemed far, far away. I am very grateful to my sister for appearing at this time, otherwise she would still be staggering in a broken dream, all the while being frightened by a tall and burly black shadow.

"Sister, you are almost an old princess!" said the younger sister who took a step back, crossed her arms in front of her chest, tilted her head, and looked at a child who had no prospects, "You have been back for four days, do you know yourself?

She was a little embarrassed, smiled embarrassedly, and reached for the steel cup. "Don't move yet!" the younger sister gently opened her hand and said in disgust, "I've been serving you for a few days, and I haven't even said anything?" she forced a smile and said, "Do you still need to hear a word of thanks?" "Of course!" "Thank you!" The younger sister sat down on the bed, still looking at her like a child. She opened the lid of a cup and saw milk in it. Open the lid of the other cup and see that the cup is filled with coffee. "Milk and coffee, bread and sausages, sister, you are simply living an aristocratic life! I'll give you whatever you want......" My sister picked up the Jane Eyre and flipped through it in a jealous tone. She eats a bite of sausage bread, a sip of milk, and a sip of coffee, and feels that this kind of life is really satisfying.

My sister didn't say anything about it just now, she really didn't remember how many days she had been home. In the past few days, her whole person has been in an unusually lazy state. She felt that she could, and to be in such a lazy state, in such a clean and peaceful room, lying on such a soft and comfortable bed, without the slightest urge of the concept of time, was simply an incomparable enjoyment. She felt that her body and mind had been consumed too much in her eleven years of "reclamation and garrisoning" life. She really hopes that there will be many such days in the future, and that for a long, long time to come, she will not be asked to do anything by others and life. More precisely, don't be pushed into some kind of action by others and life. Whether it's physical action or mental action.

Man, it's incredible! People are so able to adapt to hardship and hardship, and so able to adapt to enjoyment and comfort. The more people who have experienced some hardships and hardships, the more they covet enjoyment and comfort, and the easier it is to indulge in enjoyment and comfort.

Just a few days ago, she was a female instructor in the Production and Construction Corps, and she had to boil a sip of boiling water by herself, and she bore many responsibilities and obligations for many people and many things. And now she is just a daughter and sister, just a twenty-nine-year-old girl, who is cared for and cared for by everyone in the family, as if she has become a little girl who has just been picked up from the hospital. Sitting on the bed eating sausage bread, drinking milk coffee, the life of the gods!

My sister was still lying on the bed flipping through "Jane Eyre", and asked as she flipped it, "Sister, do you like this book?" The book is full of red and black pen paths, and it is obvious that there are many fingerprints of boys and girls of my sister's age left on each page. The stiff or wavy strokes indicate the hunger and thirst of their spirits.

She finished her bread, mixed the leftover coffee with milk in a cup, and savored the sweet and bitter taste in small sips. After listening to her sister's words, she replied without thinking, "Since the fifth grade of elementary school, it has been my pillow thing." ”

"But how did you understand these words at the time?" the younger sister asked, reading them softly, "'I can live alone if my self-esteem and circumstances require it.'" I don't have to sell my soul for happiness. I was born with a treasure trove that would allow me to live, even if all outward pleasures would be deprived of it, or only at a cost I could not afford. 'Sister, can you understand it the first time you read it?'

She slowly put down the cup, pondered for a long time, and finally shook her head—if she could have understood at the time, maybe there wouldn't have been so much bitter loss in her heart now!

"And this passage is what Rochester said to Jane disguised as a shriveled old woman......" the sister read again, "I have taken into account the assertion of conscience and the counsel of reason. I know that in the cup of consecrated happiness, if I perceive the slightest dregs of shame or the bitterness of remorse, youth will pass away at once, and flowers will wither at once, and I do not want sacrifice, sorrow, separation—these are not my hobbies. I want to nurture, I don't want to lose—I want to earn gratitude, I don't want to squeeze blood or tears, my harvest must be a smile, affection and sweetness......"

"Enough!" she exclaimed.

The younger sister was amazed and looked up at her: "You have a good memory! The book says like this—a dash, 'That's enough, I think I'm in a wonderful .......'"

"I told you not to read it!" she angrily erupted.

"Annoying? inexplicably!" the younger sister closed the book and lay on her back on the bed, thinking about something with her girlish eyes wide open.

She picked up the cup again, and drank the sweet and bitter breath like cold water.

"Mom cried. My sister muttered to herself.

"Why?" she asked, interrogatingly.

"For your shirt, it's almost washed and transparent. ”

"I have feelings for it and have been wearing it for more than five years. ”

Mom shed a few tears on it and threw it in the trash. ”

“......”

But Dad said something very funny. ”

"How?"

"A female instructor's shirt is not good if it is thrown away if it is not worn as a fishing net!"

"You talk nonsense. ”

"That's the word Daddy used—effect! I don't believe you'll ask him in person tonight. ”

Effect - Who is sarcastic? Sarcastic one's own daughter? Must be asked face to face!

She has become so sensitive that she seems to be surrounded by sarcasm and sarcasm about her injustice, including her father and sister. "Why did you read those two paragraphs to me?" she asked, turning sharply to look down at her sister. "Why is it the ?......" my sister couldn't help but sit up, and said aggrievedly, "I serve you every day, and you treat me like this!" I just turned to that page and read it...... "Take it away!" "What?" "This book! I want to lie down a little longer!" My sister stood up and said dissatisfiedly: "Sister, don't tell me in such a tone! You are not an instructor at home, and I am not your orderly!" "Shut up, I have never been a orderly!" "Then you want to make up for this regret at home?" "Little sister, if you play tricks with me again, I'm really hot!" "You're already on fire." But I didn't recruit you or mess with you, inexplicable!" my sister picked up the tray in displeasure, picked up the book, and turned to leave. My sister walked to the door and stopped, turned around and said, "Sister, when you burned this book and many books, you probably didn't think about it for us, did you?" She had already lay down, sat up again, and said loudly: "Of course I thought about you! I am afraid that you will be poisoned! I will become the successor of revisionism!"

"Thank goodness you didn't burn it clean. The younger sister shrugged her shoulders, grimaced, pushed the door through her back, and squeezed it out backwards.

She closed her eyes again, hoping to return to a peaceful, dreamless sleep, but she couldn't.

She was indeed a little tired of lying down and had slept enough.

These days, most of the day, she and her aunt are the only ones in the house. She lay down until ninety o'clock every day, got up unhurriedly, freshened up unhurriedly, and then sat down at the dining table unhurriedly, waiting for her aunt to serve her favorite meal, and ate unhurriedly. Then I went back to my room, sat on the couch and read a book for a while, or turned on the tape recorder and listened to music for a while, or walked around in a different room, or stood on the balcony for a while, and then went back to bed.

For quiet, for bed, for comfort, for laziness, she has begun to develop a habit.

Every day, before she got up, her father went to the municipal party committee early. My mother is the head of the personnel department of the provincial education department, but at least she has more social activities than a female parliamentarian. As for the younger brother, a few days before she returned to the city, she returned from the demobilization of the army and waited for the work arrangement. In other words, it is patiently choosing the ideal job. He was promoted to company commander before demobilization. He believed that a demobilized "lieutenant" had good reason to ask society to assign him a most desirable job. She once had a few conversations with her younger brother, who thought that the most ideal work units for him were radio, television, newspapers, publishing houses, drama troupes, song and dance troupes, tourism bureaus, and municipal party committees. It can be seen that his ideals are very unconcrete. He is so confident that he asserts that whether it is a radio program editor, a TV host, a reporter, an editor, an actor, or a cadre, he is capable of doing everything happily. Qianqian is an actor in the Municipal Repertory Theatre, an actor who is still unknown but seems to be famous and a household name in the near future. She, like her brother, is confident in her future. "At that time, we will ......" my brother loves to say this, and Qianqian also loves to say this. It was as if at some point, the whole world would belong to demobilized lieutenants and beautiful porcelain dolls.

A self-absorbed empty phrase. She thought. However, she - a twenty-nine-year-old girl who has returned to the city to know the youth, although she has been an instructor, her appearance is not good, and she is not even qualified to say a word of empty words that intoxicate herself! She really envies her younger brother and Qianqian. Qianqian is only twenty-two years old, and her younger brother is not yet twenty-five years old. That alone was enough to make her envious. Young and beautiful, this is a precious treasure that fits in a woman's left and right pockets. One of her pockets was never empty, and the other had been completely stolen by time. In both respects, she is now a beggar. And Qianqian's "pockets" are plump, just like her towering and charming breasts. In front of beautiful porcelain dolls, she often feels extremely inferior, like a poor egg in front of a rich man. The younger brother and her are inseparable, and every day they are either locked in his room, snuggling up to each other, or dressed up beyond the ordinary, and both go out. They seem to have so much to do or plan to do. It is as if they think that only they are the true masters of the city. Even in front of her, they made no secret of their superiority. She even felt that frivolity and shallowness had an unusual charm in them.

My sister works in the provincial library, perhaps because she was fascinated by the working environment and became fascinated by literature. The library is not far from home, and my sister comes home for dinner at noon. In the short time they had to eat, my sister would also chatter with her about literature, and she believed that she would become one of the youngest female writers in the city. My sister can tell the works of each of the more famous writers in the province, as well as their various personal and family situations. And whether it is about old writers or young and middle-aged writers, they always say first: "he is my friend ......" criticizes their work, just as a demanding middle school teacher criticizes the essays of students who are terrible.

On the night she returned home, at the sumptuous dinner table that had been washed for her, her mother told her in a reassuring tone and attitude that she did not have to think about her future work at all, and that her parents would arrange for her to her very satisfaction.

She listened to her mother and tried not to think about work for the past few days. For such a question, it is of course best if you don't have to think about it. But I don't want to, but I can't. When the mood is the most relaxed and peaceful, I can't help but think about it.

What kind of work is a twenty-nine-year-old girl with no expertise and no good looks suitable for? She does not dare to dream of her brother's wishes. Being a worker? It starts with being an apprentice? That's really sad. Being a political cadre of any organ or department is her profession. But even if she has a lot of experience in doing political and ideological work for young intellectuals, how much of it can be applied to the city? As a teacher, she is confident and okay, but she can only be a primary school teacher. She can't teach middle school students. She is self-aware - she has almost forgotten all the lessons in the three years of junior high school. Being a salesperson, a bus conductor, she couldn't stand it. Even if she is willing to endure it, it is conceivable that her family can't bear it. First of all, the mother must be unable to bear it.

She felt as if she had become a scrap product with no hope of selling.

She looked at her watch, and it was half past twelve. She suddenly wanted to leave the room and go outside, so she sat up at once.

On her first day back in the city, she took a shower before dinner and walked out of the bathroom wearing a brand new yukata that the family had bought for her in advance, and she never saw the dress she wore again. They were forever "swept away" from her life.

The dress she is wearing now, inside and out, was bought for her by her mother in advance.

She was just about to get out of bed when she noticed a new, beautiful, high-heeled pair of brown boots on the bedside table. There was a page pressed under the boot. She picked up the boots, looked at the page, and saw that there were a few lines written on it: Sister, I bought these boots for you. I know you don't like brown, but I hesitated and bought you a pair of brown ones, not black ones, because black may remind you of the land of the Great Northern Wilderness. I hope you will never forget the Great Northern Wilderness and never think of that place again......

Looking at those lines, she froze again. Brown, heels, hell! She thought, she'd look ridiculous in those boots.

She got out of bed with her socks on, and bent down to look under the bed. She was looking for the pair of toe shoes she had put back on. She remembered that after the dress she had brought back had been "swept away", the big shoes that had been placed under the bed were still there and had not been found, but now they were gone. When she was found and "swept away", she didn't know.

The home was so clean that Mother didn't allow anything to be in the way. She sat down slowly on the bed again, staring blankly at the boots. Brown ...... High Heels ...... Hell, those boots were like two squirrels staring at her. She couldn't wait to tear them apart! In this family, in her, there was nothing left that she had brought back from the Great Northern Wilderness. The mother and sister seem to be helping a freed prisoner to cut off all associations associated with the prison. Is she "reborn" again? She thinks life is so fucking ridiculous! Eleven years ago, she went to "be reborn" according to what life demanded of her. Eleven years later, we have to do it again! Is it so much fun to be "reborn"? Let those who don't care try it! But the two "squirrels" were so beautiful and elegant compared to the pair of big-toed shoes she had put back on, as if they had some irresistible attraction that drew her to admire them, to tempt her to wear them. Only women sometimes have such a kind of attraction and temptation psychology about a pair of shoes. She kicked her legs hard and threw the two purple velvet slippers she wore on her feet to the front of the fireplace and the other to the door. Then he picked up a boot and, with a vengeful hatred for it, leaned back and slammed it on his foot. It took a lot of effort, but I couldn't put it on my feet. She slammed her boot to the ground, only to notice that there was a zipper on the waist.

It fits effortlessly on the feet, fits well, is not too big, is not too small, is not fat or thin. After a few cautious walks back and forth in the room, I can't tell what kind of experience it is, I don't feel good about myself, I feel like an old woman with small feet.

It was the first time in her life that she wore high-heeled leather shoes.

She wore quite a few pairs of leather shoes. I wore leather shoes when I was in kindergarten, leather shoes when I was in elementary school, and leather shoes when I was in middle school. In the past, mothers always had to dress their daughters in a way that matched the status of a mayor's daughter. I remember that when she first wore a pair of black leather shoes with a very ordinary style in middle school, she aroused the envy and even jealousy of many female classmates in the class. The middle school students who have just experienced the ******, in the early sixties, how shabby their clothes are compared to the current middle school students!

She seemed to be standing on two high fulcrums, losing the down-to-earth feeling of wearing big-toed shoes.

With the steps of an old woman with little feet, she limped to the cabinet. With each step, you have to involuntarily swing your arms to adjust your body balance.

Brown ...... High Heels ...... Damn it!

She stood in front of the closet dressing mirror, looking at herself, as if facing a strange woman, she was a little afraid to admit herself.

This image of a golden turtleneck sweater (given to her by Qianqian) and straight-pressed tweed pants, is that me?

And these brown, high-heeled leather boots!

Where is this?

She took a small step in front of the mirror, and looked more closely at the image in the mirror, to determine whether the image in the mirror was her own. Because her mood has never been so calm and peaceful as in the past few days, because she has never slept lazily for so many days in a row, because she can wash her face with warm water every day, and because she can rub high-grade skin cream on her face without fear of being discussed, the skin on her face that has been blown and wrinkled by the cold wind of the Great Northern Wilderness in winter and the hot sun in summer seems to have faded. His face became fairer and more radiant, and his lips seemed to be rosy.

I may not be as unsightly as I think I am, am I?" she thought to herself.

The professional temperament of the instructor of the Production and Construction Corps, who is always ready to criticize people and things, and who is ready to carry out ideological education at any time, cannot be seen in her at all.

What can be seen is only the discarding of her heart, the laziness of her demeanor, and the loss and confusion of her eyes. She didn't know which image was her own true face of Lushan, and which image was more in line with herself and more right.

She had become accustomed to the ego of being a female instructor, and although it had tormented her, she was used to it. She is a little reluctant to admit that the image in the mirror is herself, and a little rejects the self in the mirror, just like a snail is unwilling to shrink into an unfamiliar shell.

She turned around with mixed feelings, stepped away from the mirror, and walked to the window in small steps. It's snowing outside. The snow, the snow of the city, the snow at the end of the year, evoked a tenderness in her heart. My sister is afraid that the black color will remind her of the land of the Great Northern Wilderness. And this white color has also contributed to thousands of miles of thinking! This is Ruixue! Ruixue is a good year. When I left the Great Northern Wilderness, there was only one light snowfall there. Let's hope it's starting to snow there too...... She took a tweed coat from the hanger, gently pushed open the floor-to-ceiling window, and walked out to the balcony with a little skill. The snowflakes were large, white and fluffy, fluttering and falling silently. On the balcony railing, more than ten centimeters of snow accumulated. She squeezed it, feeling a chill in her palms that sink into her heart and lungs.

The last heavy snowfall of 1979 fell so calmly and so delicately. From the balcony, you can see those low roofs, covered in snow and white. On the left side of the balcony, there is a large tree with a canopy as high as the balcony. The snowflakes were heavily embroidered on the branches, and then they fell to the ground quietly, like countless small creatures hugging each other tightly, unable to coexist, but wishing to die together, not even sighing.

Falling snowflakes blocked her view, making the cityscape a little farther away very illusory. Her gaze was fixed in a fixed direction, piercing the snow mantle and looking out into the hazy sky.

For the first time in days, she stepped out of the room and breathed directly into the outside air. The air seemed to be filtered and purified by the heavy snow, so fresh, so clear, driving away the laziness that shrouded her heart, and making her refreshed.

She looks at her surroundings with a strange gaze. It is a deep and quiet compound, with a concrete fence more than two meters high covered with glass thorns. On the left side of her small building is a garage, and on the right is a row of brick houses where handymen live. There is no trace of the snow-paved road except for two rows of ruts hidden by snow. On both sides of the road, there are neatly cut cypress female walls. The silver white presses against the greenery, which is pleasing to the eye. There are no busy roads nearby, and you can't hear the sound of passing cars or the noisy sound of the city. Outside the high wall, there is a small secluded alley, and there is no one in it.

Her family didn't live here before, having moved in shortly before she returned to the city. She felt both strange and novel about the place, and the overall impression was not bad. It's like a sanatorium, and she feels that her body and mind need to be recuperated in such a good environment. Among the more than 200,000 young intellectuals who have returned to the city in this city, and among the more than 400,000 young intellectuals who have all returned to the city from the Great Northern Wilderness, who can be so blessed? Thinking about it this way, she has to admit that she is really lucky!

It's not far from the river. She can look at the frozen Songhua River, the river bridge and the top of the flood control memorial tower. A train was roaring over the river bridge, and the smoke from the front of the train was pressed by the heavy snow flying in the sky, unable to rise or dissipate, and lingered between the bridge railings for a long time. The Flood Relief Memorial Tower stands proudly above all the buildings in isolation, like a large extinguished candle. A few pigeons, circling around the end of the tower. The pigeon whistle is sometimes distant and sometimes close, although it is monotonous, it is very pleasant to the ear and sultry to the mind.

Where are they? She suddenly thought: the city is so powerful, swallowing up more than 200,000 young intellectuals who have returned to the city, like a giant whale swallowing the foam on the surface of the sea! They may be under many different roofs, like her, calming down all the excitement of the first few days after returning to the city. The Great Northern Wilderness has the severity of the Great Northern Wilderness, and the city has the severity of the city! It is difficult to say which one is less severe. She and they, this generation, are destined to move from one grim reality to another. And then we are faced with the severity of reality.

Go to the mountains and go to the countryside - return to the city to be unemployed.

The Stone of Sisyphus.

This generation has rolled down the mountain again.

She really wanted to shout: "Urgently assemble!" and imagined, as she shouted, would groups of soldiers of the regiment rush out of those streets and alleys, from those buildings, those courtyards, and those shantytowns, and gather under the balcony of the building where she stood, as if in the Great Northern Wilderness, obey her voice and give orders?

But she didn't shout. She understands that this impulse is ridiculous, this imagination is absurd. The Corps no longer exists. The battalion no longer exists. Instructors don't exist anymore. It is like a lathe that suddenly disintegrates due to so-called mechanical fatigue, and one of its components, even the most important one, loses its value. What the Great Northern Wilderness needs in the future will be industrialists with rich experience in agricultural production. And in the eleven years of the Great Northern Wilderness, life has not been able to make her such a person. As an instructor, the faint guilt in her heart, as if she was sorry for the Great Northern Wilderness, is undoubtedly deeper than that of ordinary intellectual youth who return to the city. However, she did not regret that she left the Great Northern Wilderness, just as those who stayed decided to stay after serious thinking, she also decided to leave after serious thinking. It is difficult for a person to find a truly meaningful position in a short period of time when he has lost the value of his existence.

She couldn't stand this.

But where is your place in the city?