"Did you quarrel with your dorm mates?" we heard my mother whisper in the back room. "Eldest sister ......" then heard the cry of the aunt. "Bullied, I'm a big girl in her twenties, living in a dormitory is different from living in your own home, you have to be magnanimous in everything!" Auntie's cry was very low, but it broke my heart when I heard it...... That night, my mother slept in the outhouse with my aunt. The next day, my aunt fell ill. In a high fever, he occasionally speaks a whisper that we can't hear clearly or understand.

On the third day, the rain stopped. The leaders of the two aunts' factories came and said that they wanted to learn something about the aunts from their mothers. Mother drove us out of the back room one by one, closed the door, and talked to them in the back room for a long time.

When the mother saw them off, her face was gloomy. Entering the house from the outside, I first stood in front of my aunt's shop, looked at my sleeping aunt for a while, and slowly turned around and was alone in a daze. Then he grabbed a rag and absentmindedly wiped it here and there. Suddenly, he said to me: "Shaosheng, you take good care of your aunt at home, and I will go and invite Wang Lao Chinese medicine from the private clinic on the street to come." ”

After a while, my mother invited Wang Lao TCM to come, and when she saw us standing in front of my aunt's shop, she started a fire at me for no reason, and reprimanded me loudly: "Don't go out yet!" I could see that my mother was very upset, and obediently withdrew. After Dr. Wang left, my younger siblings and I didn't dare to enter the house, so we peeked into the house from the half-buried window, and saw my mother holding my aunt's shoulder with one hand and a water cup in the other, almost in a commanding tone: "Brown sugar water, drink it." The aunt drank the cup of brown sugar water, and her mother helped her lie down, sat on the edge of the shop, looked at her face, and asked coldly: "The leader of your factory came just now, do you know?" She looked at her mother with sincerity and shame as if she were being interrogated. "How many months?" "It's been more than three months. "You have lied to me!" "......" "You have hidden my eyes, can you hide it from other people's eyes? How long can you hide it?!" "......" "Say, who is it?" "......" "Speak!" "......" "Are you dumb?" "Sister, I can't tell you." I can't tell anyone. "You ......," the mother got angry and stood up. Then he sat down and asked, "Okay, I don't want to know this person's honorific name, so why don't you get married now?" "......" "He...... I'm going to leave you behind?" Auntie's head moved lightly on the pillow again. "So, is it...... Are you unwilling?!" "......" "You talk to me!" "Eldest sister, I can't marry him......" "What? You have a child in your belly, you say you can't marry him!" "Eldest sister, don't ask questions!" The aunt closed her eyes, and two big tears rolled down her face. "I'm going to ask, I'm going to ask clearly! How did your father entrust you to me in the first place? Have you forgotten?" the mother was angry again.

"If you don't say it, you will leave my house! I can't let people point to my backbone and say that I took in a big girl and gave birth to an unknown child in my house!" The aunt opened her eyes again, looked at her mother with tears in her eyes, and said, "Sister, don't worry, I'm getting better, so I'll leave...... Never jeopardize your reputation. "Let's go, where are you going?" "There's no way out, there's still a dead end!" the aunt gently pulled up the quilt and covered her head. I saw the quilt swaying slightly. "Alas......" The mother sighed long, and said with pity and hatred, "You, you, what are you doing this for!" gently lifted the corners of the quilt and wiped the tears on my aunt's face with the palm of her hand. My aunt never said who the man was. My aunt was fired from the factory. But her mother didn't drive her aunt away because of this. My aunt gave birth to a little girl in our house. As soon as the girl was full moon, the aunt's father came from the countryside and took the aunt and the child back to the countryside. The mother said to my aunt's father with great guilt that day: "Uncle, I'm sorry for you......"

The aunt held the child in her arms, walked to her mother step by step, bent her knees at the same time, and knelt down for her mother. She looked up at her mother, burst into tears, and wanted to say something, but her lips trembled, but she didn't say a word.

The mother helped her up and tried to say something to her, but her lips trembled, and she didn't say a word. The mother turned around and walked into the house, never coming out. It was I who dropped my uncle and daughter off at the train station. After the train left, I looked at the train in the distance and felt that the best things in my heart were also taken away by the train. When I got home, I found that my mother's eyes were red from crying...... Soon after, my aunt wrote that she might become a primary school teacher in the village, and my mother and I felt less depressed for her. A few months later, my aunt sent another letter, saying that it was impossible to become a primary school teacher...... From then on, my aunt and our family only exchanged letters.

When I was in junior high school, my aunt came from the countryside to live in my house for more than half a month, with her children.

The girl was five years old, with a sweet mouth but a thin yellow face. The mother loved this fatherless child very much, and if she had something to eat, she had to keep it for her. It was a difficult time for three years, and there was nothing good to eat at home. The steamed buns mixed with two noodles are very gluttonous.

My aunt is obviously old, as if she is in her thirties. He was wearing patched old clothes, and his face was full of sadness. For more than half a month, I hardly saw her smile. Mother once privately persuaded my aunt to find another man. The aunt looked at her child and said sadly: "Eldest sister, I don't have this mind at the moment, let's wait until the child is pulled into adulthood." The mother said, "Silly, what decent man would please you at that time? While you are still young, find a man quickly, and he can also help you raise the child." After being silent for a long time, the aunt whispered: "I'm afraid that finding a stepfather who doesn't understand people will make the child angry." The mother was impatient: "Which one is the child's father!" But if you are a man with a conscience, can you leave your mother and son alone?" "Sister, don't talk about this person......" The aunt was almost pleading. The mother held back many things that she had to say. Our family's life was also very difficult, and my aunt couldn't bear to share our family's rations, so she took her children back to the countryside half a month later...... It has been twenty-three years since that year. I went to the countryside, went to university, settled in Beijing, and never saw my aunt again......

Looking back on these past events, I am full of deep sympathy for my aunt. And he is full of strong hatred for the man who caused such a sad fate in his aunt's life, as if he only lived in his aunt's heart for a time. I went from Harbin to the Great Northern Wilderness, from the Great Northern Wilderness to Shanghai, from Shanghai to Beijing, rushing back and forth on the road of life, and almost forgot my aunt. It was only when my younger siblings wrote to me that I was reminded of this woman, who was not related to our family in any way, but who was the only one other than my mother who made us feel closest to her. Even when I think of her, I think of the little aunt who was holding the child who had just completed the moon and kneeling in front of her mother, with a pale face and tears in her eyes. The parting situation at that time left a deep impression on me. Now that I have heard my mother say that my aunt has passed away soon, my longing for my aunt has suddenly increased.

The next day, I wanted to go to Shuangcheng to see my aunt, but two of my best classmates from middle school came. They came to the house to ask someone to help install the earth heating, and when they saw me unexpectedly, they naturally started chatting and missed the train time. On the third day, I left early in the morning to catch the suburban train to Twin Cities, fearing that I would be delayed by anyone at home again. The village where my aunt's house is located is actually a big village, with more than 100 households. There are many newly built brick houses, and some homes even have brick courtyard walls. This shows that the peasants' lives are much richer than in the past.

When I asked a few villagers where my aunt's family lived, they all shook their heads and said they didn't know there was such a person. I had to say my aunt's name again, and they suddenly realized, and they all said, "So you want to find Xiuxiu's mother!" A girl took the initiative to lead me.

On the way, she asked me, "Are you from Tianjin?" I asked rhetorically, "Why do you think I'm from Tianjin?" "Xiuxiu is studying in Tianjin! Are you classmates with her?" and she looked at me with a speculative look. I said, "I'm from Harbin, Xiuxiu is my cousin, and her mother is my aunt." "Yes, I never knew that......" Her speculative gaze turned into a research gaze, looking me up and down, as if she wanted to "study" me thoroughly. The girl led me into a dilapidated courtyard and said, "Just live here!" The house, which had not been repaired for a long time, was very out of harmony with the changes around it. I hesitated and walked in. A middle-aged woman was boiling medicine in the kang room, turned to look at me in surprise, and asked, "Who are you looking for?" I said, "I'm from Harbin to see my aunt." She let out an "ah" and said, "Come into the house, I know who you are, she talks about you every day!" She looked at me in amazement. "Auntie!" I couldn't help but exclaim. "Yes...... Shao Sheng ?!......, "My aunt had to struggle to get up, but she couldn't afford it." I immediately walked to the side of the kang and gently pressed the quilt to prevent her from moving. My aunt grabbed one of my hands, tears fell from her eyes, and said, "I didn't think I would be alive to see you...... The woman was a neighbor of my aunt's family, and she was entrusted by the villagers to take care of her every day. I thanked her and she left.

After she left, the aunt gently patted the side of the bed with her hand. Her hand was thin, and her skin was rough and black. She was so sick that she barely had the strength to lift her hand, her arm was attached to the kang like a dead limb, and she couldn't even see her wrist moving, only her stiff fingers raised and fell...... How tenderly these hands have caressed me!

Perhaps only I could understand what she meant, so I walked gently to the side of the kang and sat down.

Her hand grasped mine, so tightly, as if the last strength of her body was concentrated on hers, like a child who was afraid of being left alone at home, clinging to his mother's hand.

My heart ached.

I looked at her face, trying to find memories of my childhood and adolescence on it, and to see the beauty of the past. Even if it is a little bit of beauty, my aunt is only in her forties! This face once made me understand for the first time what shame is when I was a boy, and also made me understand what beauty is for the first time. But the face was too old for me to recognize, puffy, gray, dull-eyed, and with pitifully scarce hair.

"What I look like...... Isn't it...... Very...... Ugly?......" Auntie asked in a faint voice, staring at my face with a blank gaze.

"No, auntie, don't say that. You...... It's going to be fine......" I turned my face away, unable to bear to look at her again.

"I'm going to get better?...... Maybe...... I don't think I'm going to be ...... It's dead......" she smiled, like a glint of sunlight on a dead leaf.

A few hens strolled into the house as if they were the owners of the house, and pecked at each other with no one in sight.

The aunt spoke again, "You...... ...... for me Feed the chickens...... ...... in the outhouse granary There are rice ......."

I got up and summoned the chicken into the yard, and while I was sprinkling rice mechanically, I thought of the man who seemed to be hidden in the shadow of my aunt's sad fate, and felt guilty that I was a man too.

Suddenly I heard a noise in the house, and I hurried into the house, and saw my aunt lying on the ground, a piece of water on the ground, towels and soap soaked in the water, but the basin rolled into the corner.

I hurriedly helped my aunt up and hugged her on the kang. Her body was so thin, her clothes were wet, and she was still clutching a wet towel in one hand.

"What I look like...... Certain...... It's ugly...... I...... I want to wash my face...... Wash ...... The head ...... "Auntie's pale face turned red with shame. A woman's self-esteem shook my soul with great intensity. Oh, my aunt!

I don't know what to say, and no words can accurately express my complex emotions and thoughts at that time. I silently picked up the basin, soap and a small mirror. The mirror, which has been shattered.

I remixed a basin of warm water and placed it on the side of the kang. I sat on the edge of the kang, rested my aunt's head on my lap, and quietly washed my face and hair from this woman I had loved so much when I was a child. I did this and felt as if I was paying something back to this woman. But what an insignificant repayment! Tears overflowed from the corners of my aunt's eyes, and they also overflowed from the corners of my eyes......

When I sat on the edge of the bed again and looked at my aunt, she gently grabbed my hand again and said, "I want to ...... Hear me tell you?"

I asked in a low voice, "Auntie, what are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you...... ...... year That thing ......"

I didn't know how to answer for a moment, so I just nodded slightly.

"I loved. Auntie said. There was a kind of satisfaction in that voice, a happiness that I couldn't comprehend.

"I loved. She repeated, "I...... I know that you, your mother, your whole family, including Xiuxiu, my daughter, hate him, hate the man I loved...... But I don't hate him. I don't hate him at all. He loves me. How much I love him, how much he loves me......" Auntie's words were said coherently.

"He loved me so sincerely, and I was content to die. You're already an adult, and you know how much a man loves a woman if he really likes her...... He is a demobilized soldier who participated in the War to Resist US Aggression and Aid Korea, and also established a ...... One second-class merit. Back then, he was a probationary party member and the leader of our group of female workers. Everyone says that he has a good character...... If your mother had seen him, she would have said he was a good man. He and I were really ...... back then We deliberately hide it from your mother, because we are afraid that she will worry about our marriage, and because we want to surprise your mother. So we decided to go to see your mother again after we got married, and wanted her to be happy for us, and we didn't have to bother to do anything for us. We are like two children! We are not only hiding from your mother, but also from everyone, secretly meeting and secretly loving each other......

Later, he took part in the flood fight. On the day of the Mid-Autumn Festival, the other female workers in the same dormitory went home to reunite with their families. I was left alone in the dorm and was lonely. He came, and I was so happy. I wanted him to spend that day with me, but he said no, he had to fight the flood. I said, 'Haven't you already participated?' and he said, 'Don't forget, I'm a probationary party member!' and I was upset that he didn't have me in his heart at all. As for him, he just smiled innocently, and I couldn't bear to be angry with him anymore. He wasn't a man of many words, and he never told me how much he loved me. But I know, I can feel it, and he loves me very much. He only had me as a woman in his heart. Your mother is right, whether a man loves a woman or not, only this woman knows best in her heart. I knew in my heart that he loved me with all his heart. When I saw that a button was missing from his garment, I turned it out and tried to nail it to him. He wouldn't let me nail it, I wanted to nail him...... You don't know how tall he is, I'm like a child in front of him. As soon as I had nailed two or three stitches, a gong was struck outside, and someone shouted, 'The flood fighters are about to set off! The car will not wait for a moment!' As soon as he heard this, he hurriedly stood up, pulled the unnailed button from his clothes, and stuffed it in my hand, and tried to break out. I grabbed his sleeve, took out two mooncakes, and put them in his two pockets. He went out and kissed me...... If there is a person in the world who can truly love me and grow old with me, it must be him, and I have never been close to another man before I got along with him. I've only loved one man in my life, and I've only loved him. I had already given myself to him at that time, because I was going to be his woman, he was going to be my husband, so I didn't feel any shame in front of people. But...... He drowned in order to block the dam...... I heard that the two mooncakes were still in his pocket after he died, and he didn't eat a single bite......

He became a martyr admired by everyone, was posthumously recognized as a member of the Communist Party, and a memorial service was held for him in the factory, and many people wept bitterly. Many, many people have expressed their desire to learn from him. His photo was also published in the newspaper, and his deeds were also published. On the day of the inauguration of the Flood Control Memorial Tower, the mayor mentioned his name in his speech, saying that his name will live forever in the hearts of the people of the city, and I cried so much that my eyes were swollen, but no one knew that I was more than three months pregnant, and the child was his, because many other people, all who knew him, both men and women, were weeping and crying like me...... I stood among the people and swore to me that I would never, ever ever tell people whose child my womb was......"

The aunt told this point and kept silent. She stared at the rooftop. Her face was like a sculpture, expressionless. And her words were spoken sentence after sentence. It was as if she had spoken these words to herself hundreds of times in her heart. These words spoken by this woman in a very low voice were filled with the holiest and most sincere emotion in the world! Perhaps it was the effect of this emotion that made her speak so many words so coherently while she was dying!

My aunt and I were both lost in deep thought. My soul is like a fish, in this silence, I suddenly dived into the dark and cold abyss, not knowing whether I was in reality or in illusion, and suddenly I floated up, feeling the warmth and radiance of the sun through the water waves......

A kind of sorrow like attending the funeral of my dearest person permeates my soul!

The aunt finally spoke again: "If I were still the same person today, I might not hide this from people." But at the beginning, I couldn't, how could I ...... He loves me so much, I love him so much, I can't be sorry for him...... You, open that box......"

I got up and opened an old box in the corner of the kang. "Take that little tin box in the box...... Bring. "It was a little tin box for lathe workers to put tools. I held it up to my aunt. Auntie took the key from her wrist and opened it. "Look......" she said. That look seemed to tell me - I didn't lie to you, I didn't tell a lie, really...... In the small box, there was a folded yellowed newspaper with a black button and a thread......

My aunt said: "For many years, all kinds of people have always wanted to ask me about it, but I haven't said a word. Now, no one asks me anymore, but I ...... But I ...... I really want to say it to someone, only to one person, so that this person understands. Why? It's been hidden for so many years...... I don't know what's wrong with me......"

I said, "Auntie, I'll take you back to Harbin tomorrow!" My mother misses you very, very much! My younger brothers and sisters miss you very, very much!" "Harbin ......" Auntie's face shone with a brilliance, and she said, "I miss your whole family too." Tomorrow?......" I nodded and said loudly, "Yes, ...... tomorrow" "Okay......" She laughed again and muttered, "My illness is hidden from Xiuxiu." This kid is preparing for graduate school, and I'm afraid...... Divided her heart...... Delayed the child's ...... Future ahead. Beijing...... Close to Tianjin...... I...... I've entrusted Xiuxiu to you......"

I want to cry. But I haven't cried in a long, long time. That doesn't mean my heart is numb. No, man's desires are still hidden in this heart. It's just that I don't seem to cry anymore. But I wanted to cry so much!

After dark, I stayed by my aunt's side until late before going to sleep in the outhouse. As I stood by her, she seemed to know, but she didn't say anything to me, but took my hand lightly, closed her eyes, and had a look of great comfort on her face......

The next morning, my aunt died. She still had that look of great satisfaction on her face, a happy, peaceful, uncomplaining expression......

I took the black button back to Beijing and placed it in a delicate little box of my wife's earrings on the shelf. In order to be able to see it often, I think of my aunt. I know I'll treasure it forever, but I'll never open the box again, and I'll never show it to anyone—the black button......