In fact, he no longer remembered the words written in the diary one after another.

There are some old and faded handwriting on it, and the things about him for so many years are recorded stroke by stroke.

Su Miao is like a timekeeper who belongs to him.

She recorded too many things in her diary, in fact, after many years, Lu Jinran herself didn't remember much.

For example, when he was a freshman in high school, he won the trophies in physics competitions, and for example, how many basketball games he won in the ninth middle school of the opposite school.

Or the one he had on his left wrist a long time ago, how many injuries he had while playing basketball.

How many times have you spoken on the stage of the whole school, and even, how many girlfriends have you had......

The nights when Su Miao left, the lights were dim, he stared at a large piece of mottled handwriting on the diary against the dim light in the bedroom, and the afterglow fell on the last sentence of each diary, and he no longer liked Lu Jinran this year.

On the last page of these five diaries, there is such a sentence.

But it seems that she never kept this promise, and in this way, the diary was written year after year.

In the year they were together, in this diary, the most beautiful thing was the sentence she left on that page.

"Today I'm with him and I think I'm lucky and equally unlucky. ”

At that time, he didn't understand the meaning of the latter sentence.

Instead, I automatically ignored those words.

Later, he realized that Su Miao knew from the beginning that he was not ready to go on with her.

But she said, "Even if there is no future, but the thought of being able to accompany him on such a journey has also deviated because of me in the trajectory of his life."

That doesn't seem like a bad thing. ”

At that time, Lu Jinran saw it for the first time, and there would really be girls who would be with him for not wanting to talk about it forever.

She said that as long as she walked with her for a while, even if they were only together for a few days.

Night after night, he dreamed of her countless times in his dreams.

dreamed of the girl in front of him, the corners of his eyes were moist, every time he changed his girlfriend, or was still with Ye Luodu.

Her eyes were red, her nose was sore, and she couldn't help but shed tears in the dark and dim nights of that night, leaning against the bedside with a somewhat dim warm lamp in front of her.

He could see that many of the places in the diary had handwriting, and the paper was a little crumpled.

That's when the paper hits water......

Lu Jinran couldn't imagine that at the time when he had never noticed Su Miao, he had inadvertently become her youth for so many years.

He couldn't understand how sad Su Miao's mood would be when he watched the people he liked with others and the people he liked stood with other girls.

His movements were a little stiff and slow, and it took many days to finish the five thick diaries.

At that moment, his heart was indescribably complicated and uncomfortable.

When he thought it was just a game, just a simple game to fall in love.

He didn't know that this opportunity to fall in love was the other party's wish for how many years she had prayed in her heart.

There is a sentence in the diary, she says: "I drew with the stars and made a wish."

I gambled all my youth and time, just to bet on whether I could get his love. ”

Maybe it's because in the circle he lives in, persistent and affectionate love will never end well.

It's like his mother Lin Yin, who has paid so much for the Lu family, but Lu Zhenwei has countless women outside.

Just like him, he can't escape the fact that he was given up because of his fame and fortune.

The pace of fame and fortune has made the already pure and flawless love begin to become muddy.

Lu Jinran thinks that the girls who are in love with him.

Not for his vanity, or for his face, or for his money.

The love that comes with so much purpose is not even worthy to be called love.

So he subconsciously decided that everyone's approach was ill-intentioned.

Even when Su Miao left, he only felt that it was not worth mentioning.

But in those years, it was already a good belief.

But when he saw the records in Su Miao's diaries, he suddenly collapsed completely.

Some people love him, not for his fame and fortune, not for his looks.

She wrote in her diary, I think I love him because he is Lu Jinran.

is because he is Lu Jinran.

Su Miao fell in love with the man who had been outstanding for a while, but in the end he was degenerate.

In his best and most dazzling teenage years, she fell in love with herself.

When he was the most gloomy and decadent, no longer dazzling, and even made people want to stay away involuntarily.

She still loves herself.

"I've met so many people, but I've never seen anyone who loves me as much as ever. ”

He lowered his head slightly, and in order to hide the complexity in his heart, he took out a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket, first "pinched" a cigarette from the cigarette case with three fingers, and then slowly turned the lighter out of the beating flame, and then lit a long, thin cigarette.

He slightly covered the fire and lit the cigarette butt.

He lit the cigarette, held it between his white, bony fingers, slowly placed it to his mouth, and took a deep breath, but it took a long time before he spit it out.

From time to time, he inhaled deeply, curled his lips upward, and spat out beautiful smoke rings, which swirled and slowly rose.

The smoke burned between his yellowed fingers, and the smoke rose again and again, as if the picture of history was unfolding in front of him, and the smoke stayed between his fingers.

Lu Jinran raised his head slightly and looked at the sky not far away.

He didn't continue, waiting for the smoke to linger between his delicate fingers and slowly burn the embers.

At some point, the sky was gray, and the clouds obscured the sun, and even a ray of light was stingy to the earth.

On this gloomy day, your heart falls and falls into a deep whirlpool, spinning and spinning, but without direction.

Your heart cries out to grab something, but there isn't a straw around you.

None of them were Su Miao, so they would never understand it in this life.

Waiting, how hard it is to wait on every night when there may be no light in sight.

It's like, we're waiting for that warm enough sun in the cold winter.

Maybe it's a luxury.

"Zhixin, do you know, at that time when I saw that her diary was full of me.

I was so embarrassed that I dreamed of her every night.

It was as if I had become her about all the different things in that diary, watching the story about me but having nothing to do with her from the perspective of a spectator in the third person. ”

"We all think that time waits for no one, but when a person is willing to be drawn as a prison in place, time can't help but stop for her. ”

He gently twisted the ash of his almost burning cigarette between his fingers, and his tone was inaudible to the slightest emotion.

But Cheng Zhixin understood that when Lu Jinran really realized that he was in love with Su Miao.

When he knew exactly that he had missed out on her youth.

How ashamed he was, how guilty he was.

What he was even more afraid of was that Su Miao no longer liked him.

(End of chapter)