Preface:

To myself in a few years

I hope that you are no longer miserable, have a stable "job", and be able to have a happy life.

I hope that your family will understand you, will not ask you to do what you don't want to do, and will not give you endless mental destruction in the name of "love". I hope you've found happiness, even a little bit, not like me, with a smile on my thin cheeks and nothing but gloom.

I hope you have found a true friend who can share your weal and woe, and don't be like me now, a cold dead heart will be pierced by so-called friends.

I hope that your family is in good health and will not be on the verge of collapse due to the fierce quarrels and tensions of the sesame seeds. I hope that you have a certain ability, no longer insignificant and casually forgotten in the corner, and can deal with all the problems of life independently.

Hopefully, you have accumulated a certain amount of money, and only then will you have the capital to pursue happiness. But if you don't have it, don't force it, because you must be ready to be lonely for a lifetime after experiencing the pain of lovesickness.

I hope you can forget the pains of the past, and even if they can't heal, you must seal them away, because once you recall these things, you can't control your tears, and it doesn't affect you to be seen in public.

I hope you, better off and stronger than I am now. If you didn't do it before, it doesn't matter, no matter how bad life is, it's good to get used to it, if fate can really force you to die, then I really want to thank it, because it gave me a chance to be on the news in the future, thank it for giving me a fate, compared to those animals that eat the jungle and have no thoughts, I am really much luckier as a human being.

Body:

My feelings for my father are very complicated, and he has always been an unwanted presence in my heart.

The thunderous quarrel between him and my mother made my heart tingle and numb like an electric shock, followed by a constant panic and self-isolation. But my father's life basically revolves around me, and even quarrels are often related to me, he has done too much for me, but in the same way, the damage caused to me by his quarrels with my mother has also left an indelible shadow on me.

I didn't know how to deal with my parents.

Yes, I really don't communicate with my parents very much, I rarely care about them, and I am not qualified as a son. But all this is also the cause of their planting, they have not lived an easy life, they have paid a lot for me, how easy can I be? What can I do without worrying about food and clothing, what I want is never material, my spiritual world is barren and cold. I know I may owe a lot to my parents, but I can't face them. It's like someone stabbed you, and then gave you medical expenses to buy you something to eat, what do you think is the mood for a victim?

Loved ones may be the ones who love them the most, but they can also be the ones who hurt them the most. I can't overcome and erase all these memories, I can only deal with them coldly, I can't even say anything I care about, even if my parents feel awkward, the feeling of being close to the end of the world always makes me feel sorry. They do care about me now, but I don't feel any happiness or joy anymore.

For my heart is dead, and all of it, it is too late. Now I am a person who has lost happiness and happiness, and all I can do is to keep it as I am as much as possible, not to fall and become darker, and it is good for others to live happily, and I can live without suffering.

I don't even have any pursuits, I just want to have enough food and clothing to wait for death, but on the one hand, I am content with the status quo, and on the other hand, I am not willing to become a waste, I am really a contradiction.

I was once obsessed with the virtual world of novels, movies, and games, and only in this way could I get a temporary solace in my soul, when the reality was nothing but the walking dead. Because of this, my mind is sluggish, and I gradually find that my mind is drying up, and I am slowly losing the ability to write, which is a terrible thing, which represents numbness, represents the loss of soul, and of course, the most direct reason why I gave up fiction was because I joined a certain state......

Damn, it's far away.

I should mention my father, but it's hard to describe and describe, my father has experienced much more tribulations than me, so he actually has some mental problems, even if he is stimulated, he can't control himself, and his temper is easy to be irritable, while I am just the opposite, I am depressed and self-closed when stimulated. So every time I heard my father exhale heavily, I reflexively began to shut myself up, and my heart, which was barely floating at sea level, sank, sank, and sank, and the deeper I sank, the longer it took me to recover. My father's action may not mean that he and his mother will definitely have an argument, but the sound of his exhalation sounds like a sullen breath, which most of the time means that he is not in a very good mood, and this also makes my already sensitive me even more depressed. His every move, word and deed touched my nerves.

But even if my father was happy, I wasn't happy, I just felt a little more relaxed.

So, you can imagine how much my father influenced me from a young age. This influence, into adulthood, still dominated me, and I tried several times to get out of its control, but failed, and the result of failure was to make me even more afraid to try.

It was in vain.

How much strength can you expect from a dying man? Every effort is dying and dying, and every effort is dying away.

Yes, although I am still alive, there is something in my spirit that is dead, this kind of thing is called hope, courage, self-confidence, or whatever? Whatever it is, it doesn't matter, I don't care, life and death have long been put aside, the reason why I don't have self-judgment, but I don't like to experience the pain of death, if there is a painless way to die, then I will choose without hesitation, speaking of sudden death may be reluctantly classified in this category.

Secondly, maybe I don't want my parents to suffer, I can't give them anything, I can only make a fuss about them living silently without seeking death. That's probably the biggest difference between me and other people, they all live for themselves, while I live for the most part, and I don't care about myself.

I also try to save money as much as possible, after all, I know that this money is not easy to come by, and most of the time I don't need to buy material things to satisfy myself, my father asked me to use it, but I really can't use the money he earns without any scruples, but in order to survive, I still have to spend the money where I should spend.

I also tried my best to pursue my father's expectations, but my personality greatly limited my ceiling, I felt unable to concentrate, I was not interested in fame and fortune, if it wasn't for not wanting to disappoint my father, I might be more suitable to do some retirement work.

Fate made my father, and my father and fate made me.

Human sorrow can be inherited at some point, and this inheritance does not mean that the former suffers more and the latter suffers less, but the latter must be more optimistic, cheerful and confident than the former, which is like a person who has been stabbed several times without hurting the vital point, and a person who has only been stabbed once but is directly killed, this kind of thing is not taken for granted that one plus one equals two.

I don't blame my father, but it's just fate.

Maybe some people think that I am much luckier than them, but what I want to say is that this kind of thing cannot be compared, everyone's sorrow is different, and non-parties cannot empathize. There are people who may have grieved and suffered so much more than I can give people the strength to cut themselves off, and in my opinion, this is actually a relief, and they are fortunate compared to me.

After all, there is a saying that life is better than death.

Many times, I really don't want to go home, the word family, is foreign to me.

October 10, 2016 diary