But reality is not a fairy tale, and reality is often more tragic.

The only illusion I clenched was shattered by my mother's helpless and heart-wrenching sigh.

This sigh is the last and most euphemistic answer to me.

When the bloody reality was so honestly spread out in front of me, I calmed down a little dauntingly.

My heart was still in sharp pain, and my chest was constantly tightening and tightening, as if I would die of excessive collapse and organ rupture in the next second, but my brain at the moment was unexpectedly and unexpectedly, blank, clear, and calm.

The chaos of the past was swept away, and a sense of clarity that had not been felt in years filled my brain.

Xia Yan died.

Xia Yan is dead.

Xia Yan, whom I love,

My beloved Xia Yan,

He's dead.

It's a real death.

And I, after decades and decades of being hidden, have been entangled in pain for so long, everything has returned to the original point that I was most unwilling to face - Xia Yan died.

Actually, I should have known it a long time ago.

It's not like I've had no doubts.

Just, just.

I can't bear it.

I desperately searched for clues, questioned, and pursued like crazy, wasn't it all about avoiding this ending?

Even if she was hidden in a completely strange place by my mother and Yi Xinxue, even if she changed her mind and fell in love with someone else, even if I failed her and didn't protect her well, even if it ......

It seems that as long as I avoid the fact that Xia Yan is dead, I can continue to deceive myself and continue to pursue it, no matter how long it takes, as long as this layer of window paper is not pierced, I will always believe that she is still there, even if it is somewhere I will never find it.

But she died.

Lifeless, utterly gone, from this world.

Gone from the hope I was desperately clinging to.

I felt very sad and ironic.

So what the hell am I doing?

What have I been doing for so long?

I squinted my eyes, and I, who had never smoked at home, quietly lit a cigarette.

For a while, the living room was surprisingly quiet, without the rumbling and noisy sound of the vacuum cleaner, without the usual soft and glutinous laughter of Yi Xin, and without my mother's seemingly uncounted, but actually caring scolding. Only the tobacco enters the mouth, and then the breath slowly exhaled from the nasal cavity fills the room with bitterness, and the smoke makes people's eyes blood-red and want to cry.

I opened my mouth to break the silence: "Mom, say it." The voice seemed to be ten years old.

My mother didn't say anything, for a long time, she spoke lightly, and told me the truth intermittently.

"Xia Yan is the woman you love the most. The car accident ten years ago was caused by her. ”

I was silent, just puffing out the smoke rings, and there seemed to be a hint of flutter on my eyelashes, which was not real.

"She was diagnosed with severe depression earlier, so she has been hospitalized, and you go to see her every day except when she needs to isolate and recuperate," my mother paused, as if remembering something, and continued. " That girl has always been delicate, naturally more sensitive than others, you were not long after you entered the society, career is starting, she consciously dragged you down a lot, the disease seems to be worse than a day, all day is just silent, unstoppable, only when I see you barely show a smile, but the nurse in the ward said that the more she laughs, but the more desolate she feels. ”

"I've been to see that girl twice with you, and then things have gradually increased, and I don't want to disturb the rare time for the two of you to be alone, and besides, she needs to isolate and recuperate from time to time, so she didn't go again. ”

My memory was clear in an instant, the scenes were so familiar, and they jumped vividly in my mind.

I took the pink rose to the hospital to see Xia Yan, Xia Yan scolded me for not sending red roses, is there another little girl, I smiled and said that the red roses will be sent at the wedding; Xia Yan lost her appetite, she ate everything in two bites, and she was getting thinner, so I begged my mother to cook porridge and cook vegetables every day, and then bring her to eat; On a quiet and lazy afternoon, Xia Yan looked out the window of the ward, and said that when she was better, she would accompany me out for a good trip, and give me a good vacation for this "career freak......

There are too many sweet and intimate pictures floating in front of my eyes, vivid as if they happened in the last second, and the gray sky under the living room window in the next second pierces my heart.

My eyes were a little black, and I almost collapsed, my mother helped me, and I sat on the sofa slowly, and the soreness of my eyes made me unable to open my eyes, but I still motioned for my mother to continue. She knew that the matter had come to this, and she sighed in distress and heavily, and continued.

"Just a while before the accident, the girl seemed to suddenly get better, her condition took a turn for the worse, and even she was in the mood to chat and laugh with others, even the nurses in the ward felt that she would be discharged soon, and you and I also felt that the treatment and care had worked, and finally breathed a sigh of relief, and relieved slightly, so that there was no need to worry about the girl every day.

During that time, your work also happened to encounter a bottleneck, there was a list of big customers to talk about, working overtime every day to make plans, and taking time out to see Xia Yan, the energy naturally couldn't keep up, I advised you to wait for a few days of rest after being busy, Xia Yan will also understand, and I will take care of the girl on your behalf during this time. ”

My mother saw that I didn't react, her eyes were a little more solemn and regretful: "Obviously a good girl the day before, I also saw you at night, the little girl's style on weekdays is a lot more stable, tell you to pay attention to your body, so that you can eat considerately, even I, a mother, feel warm, the child is also extraordinarily gentle, and called me shyly and timidly Mom, and the nurse in the ward also joked that she had not yet passed the door to honor her mother-in-law, alas, who knows......"

My eyebrows jumped, and the feeling of irritability hit, as if I was back to that night, my mother didn't stop, chattering: "You were still in a meeting when you received the call from the hospital nurse, I heard that Xia Yan cut her wrists, and rushed out to drive to the ......hospital like crazy."

I heard the words "Xia Yan, cut my wrists", a stream of blood rushed straight to my forehead, and before I could stand up, I only heard my mother say, "When the truck hit you, you didn't have any intention of turning, and rushed straight to the red light in a daze, until the police arrived, your mobile phone in a pool of blood was still ringing the busy sound of the hospital, and you were lying on the ground almost ...... you"

Before I could say the word "gone", I stood up violently, and a huge impact almost shattered my entire body, as if the shrill whistle of the truck had torn my eardrums that day, and the terrible giant ship rushed towards the wheelhouse, and before I could speak, it was already dark in front of my eyes and I fainted.