When I was in the fourth grade of primary school, my father, Wei Changqing, a music teacher at No. 2 Middle School, passed away due to a myocardial infarction.

I've always blamed myself for killing my father.

I remember very well that I was in the fourth grade. In October of that year, the sky was as blue as it is now, and when you look up at the sky under the golden ginkgo leaves, you will see a beautiful picture.

I have been playing the piano since I was a child, and to understand the emotions of the music, it is inevitable that I need to be more emotional. Autumn is sunny and blue, and when my peers are chasing and fighting, I stop to take in the colorful autumn scenery and be deeply intoxicated.

It was one day in mid-October, and after enjoying the perfect view, I went back to the family home with Sun Ruiyang and Qiao Lin, and went back to our respective homes. That evening, Mom was cooking in the kitchen and Dad was resting in the room. I heard him say that he has been under a lot of stress recently, and he has not recovered from the cold, so he has to lie in bed and sleep for a while.

I was worried about my father's health, but my father said, "Cheng Lin, you can go out and play the piano for a while! ”

"Oh, then I'll play Beethoven's Moonlight. ”

Dad laughed: "Little fool, how can I sleep when you play 'Moonlight'? When you took the tenth grade, didn't you practice Chopin's nocturne? Just play that one for me!"

"Good!"

Actually, I didn't want to play "Nocturne" because I really practiced that piece until I vomited, and I didn't want to play it again in a short time. But Dad liked it, so I had to play it again. After playing, I played "Moonlight" like a prank.

Friends who have practiced it should know what kind of passionate song it is, and the requirements for hand speed are very high. At the time, I couldn't play the piece well, but I loved showing off. I like to hear people say, "Yo, kid, it's good to be able to play such a difficult tune!"

After playing, my mother really smiled and praised me for playing well. Actually, my mother didn't understand anything, and to be honest, she was a bit of a cheesy person who didn't know anything about art. But when I play fast, she thinks I'm good at it, and I like to hear her praise me.

In fact, there is always a misunderstanding in people's understanding, that is, the piano must be played as fast as possible, and the song must be sung as high as possible. In fact, that's not the case, music is to move people after all, only what touches people's hearts is good music, otherwise, no matter how fast you play and sing high, it's useless.

For example, "Dream Wedding" is a very difficult song, but I think this song is the best because the teacher made me think about Sister Linlin. When I think of her, my world becomes incredibly soft, and I want to give her all my tenderness.

With that in mind, that afternoon, I played "Dream Wedding" one last time, and then went to find Jolene. According to the convention, she would go to Sun Ruiyang's house with her homework, and the three of us would write homework together, and then watch "Slam Dunk".

I don't know what anime kids watch nowadays, but when we were kids, Slam Dunk accompanied us throughout our childhood. Many scenes that exploded are still flashing in my mind.

So, after practicing the piano, I grabbed my schoolbag and went upstairs to Qiao's house, and then we went to Sun's house on the third floor together. Aunt Chen baked a small cake, which was delicious. We ate cake and watched "Slam Dunk". On that day, Mitsui Kotoshi finally changed his mind, knelt in front of Coach Anzai and said, "I want to play basketball", and all three of us children cried.

We were crying in the storm, and an ambulance was speeding into the family home, and I didn't even think that the ambulance would have anything to do with me. After a while, a heart-rending cry came to my ears, and I hesitantly asked, "Is my mother crying?"

I ran downstairs, the ambulance was gone, and there was no one left at home. Mom and Dad's bedroom was a mess, the frames of their wedding photos were thrown to shreds, the thermos was broken, and the water flowed all over the floor. Our house has never been so chaotic, so shocking. How did I know that those broken things were the last distress signal sent by Dad.

Aunt Chen Yun took me back to her house and let me eat something. Then, she found Sun Ruiyang's black suit and white shirt and asked me to change them first. I don't understand why Aunt Chen is crying, I don't understand why she asked me to change my clothes, and I don't understand why Sun Ruiyang looked at me so sympathetically.

Aunt Chen changed my clothes, and she was going to take me to the hospital. She squatted down and said to me: "Cheng Lin, you are a man, you have to be your mother's backing, you must be strong." ”

I nodded in confusion, and she took me to the hospital in a car. Aunt Chen is the gentlest person in our family home, and on the way to the hospital, she has been holding me in her arms and quietly wiping her tears.

I really don't want to remember that day. Mom cried and fainted many times, and Dad's funeral was handled with the help of uncles and aunts in the family home. I saw my dad in the morgue and saw him being pushed into the stove...... Finally, he put it in the little box I was holding.

The adults told me that my dad was in this little box, and that I was going to hold him tight and give him one last ride.

I was so dizzy that I forgot to cry, and I did whatever the adults told me to do. It's not that I don't have ideas, but I haven't figured out why, in the blink of an eye, no one responds to my shout of "Daddy"?

How the fuck could it be so bullshit???

After sending my father away, I learned that my father had suffered a heart attack and lost his life. If I hadn't played the piano, I might have heard him moaning and crying for help, and I'd have taken him to the hospital as soon as possible. But I not only played, but I played it so vigorously that it completely overshadowed his voice. After I went to Sun's house, my mother heard the sound of the thermos breaking, and then I realized that my father was abnormal, but it was too late.

Mom was hollowed out by grief and didn't even have the strength to blame me. I couldn't express my self-blame and sadness, and I even wanted to die. The word "death" invaded my brain at that moment, and there was never a moment of withdrawal.

Jolene was the first to notice my abnormality, and on the way to and from school, she looked at me and told me a lot of interesting things. I listened to all the jokes she told. Because I felt that it was my piano sound that killed my father, I never dared to touch the piano again, and I never dared to laugh anymore.

Regarding the cause of my father's death, I dare not mention it to anyone, even Sister Linlin, whom I rely on the most.

Until that winter, I was still depressed. Uncle Dong in the barber shop adopted a stray dog, and the stray dog gradually turned into a big wolf dog. Uncle Dong is not very particular and often leashes his dog to a tree on the side of the road. He repeatedly stressed that the dog did not bite, but I was still scared. Because I was afraid, I didn't dare to go to the wonton restaurant to eat.

That day, I was too frightened to step forward, and in a trance, a hand grabbed my hand, which turned out to be Sister Qiao Lin. She hid me behind her and pulled me towards the dog.

The big black dog glared at her, and finally launched a challenge first: "Wangwang!"

She crossed her waist and saluted back without showing weakness: "Wangwang!"

The big wolf dog rolled its eyes and began to suspect that the dog was alive, and it cringed on the ground, but it was still stubbornly "Wangwang".

She even took another step forward, "Wangwang" more courageously, and ran after the dog. The dog finally circled the other side of the tree with his tail between his legs, avoiding the woman's pursuit.

She said to me proudly: "Cheng Lin, I scared the dog away! It knows that you are my person, and it will not dare to bite you in the future." ”

I finally couldn't help but laugh, the first time I'd laughed so much since my dad died. Laughing and laughing, I started crying.

That afternoon, I told her about my father's death, and I saw her expression, and she should have known about it.

Yes, the community is so big, and my piano is so noisy, how many people don't know?

She said like a little adult: "Grandma told me that someone walking on the road will be hit by a car for no reason, someone will fall asleep and will be unknowingly poisoned by gas, and even if people exercise every day, they may be seriously ill." Everyone is going to die, it's everyone's life. It was Uncle Wei who asked you to play the piano that day, everything is just a coincidence, you must not blame yourself. ”

She said exactly what my grandmother said. Grandma's tears dried up, and in the end, she would only repeat four words: "Life, it's all life!"

After I said what was on my mind, I was much more relaxed, but I still didn't touch the piano much. Because when I touch the piano, I think of the afternoon when my dad left.

Without the piano, my life became boring and I became addicted to games. Because I play the piano all year round, my fingers are more flexible than others, so I quickly became comfortable in the game.

Looking at the whole auspicious road, there are so many students, and none of them can beat me. I regained my satisfaction in the game and gradually became immersed in it.

The school I went to was pretty good, but my shabby grades gave every homeroom teacher a headache. I'm used to their taunts, insults, and the ease with which I can make them vomit blood. Every time I get angry with the teacher, I always feel like I'm cool, like I've accomplished something amazing. I even formed an alliance with the "bad students" and tried to find ways to oppose the teachers. It doesn't matter if it's a good teacher or a bad teacher, as long as I can be angry with them, I'm so happy that I want to go to heaven.

As for when I met the delinquent youth, I can't remember. Because at that time, I felt that being able to get together with characters like Crazy Boy was also proof that I was "cool".

One wrong step, one wrong step, I finally paid the price for my willful and reckless actions. If it weren't for Brother Qiao Nan, Brother Ruiyang, and Brother Zhao Yu, whom I never knew, I am afraid that I would either have become a heinous drug trafficker, or I would have been thrown into the wilderness by drug traffickers and died an unknown death.

Jolene scolded me that day, and finally sobered me up. I'm a very unfortunate person, but at the same time, I am a very lucky person. Growing up in this alley, there are so many people who care about me. Once upon a time, I had a twisted mind that they were just sympathetic to me in order to satisfy their desire to be a good person. However, when Min Jia bravely stood up to correct my name, and Sun Ruiyang and Qiao Nange bravely rescued me, I realized how selfish and narrow-minded my thoughts were.

It's not that I don't want to apologize or thank you, but I owe too much to pay. I've been cowardly for several years, and I've long forgotten what "responsibility" is.

However, Jolene woke me up, and I decided to be strong.

So, I walked into Sun Ruiyang's hospital room and knelt down to beg him for forgiveness. I ruined his dream for more than ten years, and I really had no shame to face him.

My actions shocked the little nurse, who did not understand why I was making such a big salute. To be honest, I don't know why, but it seems that this is the only way to make me feel less guilty.

Sun Ruiyang was not in good spirits, but his smile was as bright as ever, and he only said three words to me, "little fool", and then pulled me to laugh.

Not only do I have to apologize to him, but also Brother Qiao Nan and his good brothers, as well as Min Jia...... I want to say "thank you" to each of them, and then say "I'm sorry".

When I grow up, not everyone has the courage to say "I'm sorry", but I hope I can, and I want to be a person who has the courage to admit my mistakes, so that I can be worthy of the sacrifices that others have made for me.

That night, after the evening self-study in the second middle school, Sister Qiao Lin actually came to my house to look for me. She didn't seem to want to see my grandmother, so she asked me out and said to me, "Chenglin, I thought about it, I also have something I can't do well." ”

"Huh?"

"I didn't intend to take back the words I scolded you just now. I want to apologize to you for not seeing you as a friend for a long time. ”

“......”

"When I was a kid, we all went to school together, did our homework, and watched cartoons together. When I went to high school, I only cared about myself, and I didn't care about you. Come to think of it, it's like I'm alienating my friends. My grandmother told me that it was not right. ”

Her eyes were like a lake, like stars, or more precisely, like a little starlight reflected on the surface of a lake. If I still play the piano, I'll be able to write a separate piece for her eyes.

"Cheng Lin, tomorrow morning at 5:45, I will come to your house to call you. There are other friends in the courtyard, from tomorrow, let's go to school together!"

"Good. "That's the only thing I can say. If I continue to say any more, I'm afraid I'll be in tears again.

She smiled with relief, and when she laughed, she showed a small tiger tooth and two shallow pear vortexes.

I'm back on campus, and I don't think about the future. But right now, I plan to be an ordinary high school student, wearing a fat school uniform and carrying a heavy school bag, going back and forth to the most ordinary alleys, living on the most ordinary campus. Maybe it's not cool, but I know that's the way I'm supposed to go.

My father named me "Wei Chenglin", which is a homonym for "Wei Ran Chenglin". Becoming a forest means that the vegetation is lush and lush, and many towering trees come together to form such a hopeful beauty. I hope that I will grow into a towering tree and never be a coward again.