Three years ago, Yan Yun wrote a long article in MSN space:

Epitaph

When it was all over, I thought about the beginning, the beginning that ended before it was over, but I don't regret it, because I have reasons not to regret it.

And also separated until tomorrow, two years and zero days. Can this be considered a memorable day?

I didn't love him, I told myself that from the day he confessed to me.

So we have to separate as a matter of course.

I am a person with low self-esteem to the point of extreme self-confidence.

So, I was empty and proud, and bitterly happy.

Persistent enough to easily give up what many people dream of.

I don't love Leslie Cheung either, so I often play his songs on my iPod:

I am who I am

It is a firework of a different color

The sky is wide

To make the strongest foam

I'm so conflicted, I'm as strong as a bubble.

For the sake of his so-called tolerance, for the sake of what he says, he doesn't care.

In front of myself, I was unscrupulously hypocritical.

I always live happily with my soul of pain without hesitation, and I have no choice but to convince myself that Tomorrow-is-another-day (tomorrow will be better).

Three years ago today, I was stunned on the bustling street in front of my home.

I never thought that one day I would have to face Yi's confession.

I always felt that I belonged to two very different worlds that did not intersect.

The brain is like a tree trunk that has been favored by termites, hollowly not knowing whether to refuse or accept.

Soon after, I passively discovered that the name of this hollowness is acquiescence, or, rather, acquiescence.

That's how Yi and I came together.

The next day, I circled around the school playground.

He said it was his rotation. He said he would also keep going around every day.

I could feel that at that time, I was the only one in the world.

That day, I was so moved that I wanted to run away.

He also said that he loved me.

However, I still haven't figured out whether I feel admiration or liking for him.

What else can I do but try to escape?

Regrettably, my attempts are backed up and I have nowhere to run.

I also said that we have not yet reached the age of love, and we are not qualified to love yet.

This should be my last honesty before I was hypocritical to him and myself.

One year and zero days with Kazuya.

Throughout, I didn't feel like I'd ever been in a relationship.

In this way, in the three hundred and sixty-five days we walked together, I did not even promise to give him my hand.

You know, I'm a hopelessly reserved person.

You know, I'm not in love yet.

You know, I don't know the difference between love and liking.

Once, I was tolerant in the most hypocritical way.

Once, I was narcissistic in the most inferiority way.

I am as good at deceiving him as I am at deceiving myself.

In the year I was with Yi, my emotions were very empty, and my happiness was very depressed.

Also, he is too good, he doesn't seem to belong to me.

I can't remember how much time I've spent freshening up my mind since then.

But I remember that when I found out that I was like a little girl in kindergarten, like a little boy in the same class, my hypocrisy began hopelessly.

Because, I never went to kindergarten.

I lied when I said that I didn't expect him to write to me every day.

His diary-like writing was so fluid that I couldn't resist.

I'm just scared that one day, he will find that he no longer loves and likes me while he finds that he is no longer willing to put pen to paper.

I lied when I said that I didn't want him to pursue romance deliberately.

Please believe that there is no such thing as a girl in the world who is just in love but does not like romance.

I'm just scared that one day, he will find that he no longer loves and likes me while he finds that he has no intention of pursuing romance.

When I said that I only believe that the ordinary is true, I lied.

What girl would expect to live like seventy or eighty at the age of seventeen or eighteen?

I'm just scared that one day, he will find that he no longer loves and likes me while he finds that he has no way to find his passion.

When I say......

I said this, indulging in an endless appreciation for my hypocrisy and tolerance.

All I look forward to is the day when he doesn't love me, or even like me, and he doesn't even like me.

Isn't it shameful for me to be hypocritical?

Use clever ways to lie to yourself to maintain a relationship that you are afraid of losing but don't want to admit.

But in addition to hypocrisy, I have a more clever trick called self-deception.

I convinced myself that I didn't love him, and that all I had was admiration and a little bit of affection for him.

In other words, I was like his psychiatrist, allowing him to mature very quickly.

He doesn't write letters every day anymore, he doesn't pursue romance anymore, he doesn't look for passion anymore......

What's more, he doesn't say he loves me anymore, and I don't feel that there is only me in his world.

Everything, as I expected.

Is it my hypocrisy that happens to be the catalyst for these steps?

It is true that he did not find anything, and he did not say that he no longer loves me.

Should I be amazed by my perfect design?

My sophomore year of high school was a mess.

Together, we have experienced many things that remain in our memories.

They also missed out on a lot of things that could have moved each other.

And I misunderstood many things that didn't exist in the first place.

In the year we were together, my grades began to skyrocket, and I became a "science madwoman" who had the ability to be admitted to the top 10 universities in the country.

But I was pleased to find a painful fact, and the No.1 position has been occasionally replaced by others.

It's a good thing that I don't study as hard as I used to, right? I'm starting to get closer to Yi, right?

At an age when we didn't know how to love, we childishly liked it for a whole year.

On that anniversary worthy of celebration.

He also told me why he let himself go now.

He tries not to focus on his studies, and he doesn't try to be the first in the exam every time.

In this way, as long as I keep trying, we can end up in the same university.

Learning used to be the whole of life.

On such a special day as the first anniversary.

When I felt that my feelings for me had faded to the thin.

But I thought of us so long later.

It turns out that I have never understood Yi's dedication.

I didn't even feel it, and I chose to suppress my emotions because I didn't like to read handwritten letters every day, I didn't like romance, I didn't like passion.

also chose to show only a little bit, chose restraint, and chose to be sad alone.

It touched me again.

I found out. I'm sure. I like it a long time ago, from the beginning.

Then I started to speak, the moment I conquered hypocrisy and confronted myself with the strong feelings I had for Yi from the beginning.

I told also:

"I'm sorry, and though I don't want you to know how selfish and bad I am, I do have occasional times when my conscience is discovered, and I never liked you from beginning to end, not at all.

I didn't refuse you because you were the best boy next to me, and now I'm tired of it and don't want to continue.

Please let me go. I'm begging you, okay?"

I ask because I never refuse my request.

For a long time after that, I kept lying on the table during class.

I am clear about the disappointment, and I am clear about the pain.

I'm sad, but I can't show it.

In the days that followed, I happily came to the classroom every day and haunted him in the happiest way possible.

I also lie on my stomach every day, and I smile every day.

I didn't tell him that I didn't just like him anymore.

I didn't tell him that the day before the first anniversary, his mother asked me to persuade him to go to Peking University.

I didn't tell him I felt like I was in his bondage.

I didn't tell him that I wanted him to be admitted to Peking University before I chose to quit his life.

I didn't tell him that no matter what happened, I would wait for him for two years.

I just told him I cheated on him and that's it.

I experienced one of the most painful "happy times" of my life.

And then.

I gradually recovered from my deception and began to start anew.

I gradually woke up from my deception and began to wilt.

My senior year of high school was miserable.

I can't remember my senior year of high school anymore.

The selective forgetting function out of self-protection made the third year of high school only a trivial fragment in my memory.

I just remember that for a whole year, I couldn't study with peace of mind.

No matter how sad I am, I have to make me feel happy.

It's a responsibility that I started with when I chose to leave.

I was as gentle as a cold.

Taste loneliness in a noisy crowd and loneliness surrounded by loved ones.

In the dead of night, take out your left hand to warm your right hand.

Then, I felt like I was still there.

Yes, I still exist.

Later, everything went as I wished, and I went north to Peking University, and I went south to Xiamen University.

Apart from me, there was no longer a second person in the class who chose to go south.

Xiamen University's score in Zhejiang is not lower than that of Zhejiang University, but its ranking is far from that of Zhejiang University.

Xiamen University was obviously not my best choice, but I just wanted to escape.

I can't remember how many people around me were rejected in the Freshman era.

I kept my promise to myself without hesitation.

Two years, I will definitely wait two years.

Although I don't know what I'm waiting for.

Although I didn't expect anything from my wait.

Regret is a luxury for me.

and went to the temple where he ought to go and where I wanted him to go, and that would be enough.

I also wondered, what do these two years mean to me?

Is it going to take two years to bury an emotion?

Is it to punish one's hypocrisy with two years of waiting?

I don't know all of this.

Two years.

It's so long. It's so short.

At the beginning, I thought it wouldn't end.

When it ended, I thought it was just the beginning.

Will I be able to regain my heart tomorrow?

Can the opening and closing of the door of the heart be decided by oneself once again?

Can I sleep?

Is dawn tomorrow?

It's time to write an epitaph for the relationship that ended before it began.

Carved on the tombstone: Defects are another way of being perfect.

～～～～～

Before the signing is completed, there will be a change every day, but it will be accompanied by everyone for breakfast, and the freshman will be changed.

Don't say anything, new books are on the shelves, tickets, and every day's recommendation votes have to be given to Xiaomo~

Don't shoot your ass~~ Really will beat it~ Really will!