At the end of one phase, she doesn't want to continue the next one, but starts all over again.

Start again, the most vocabulary in Jin Xing's life, because she is sad, she starts again, because she is discouraged, she starts again, and because she can't do it, she starts again.

It is this step-by-step restart, constantly clearing herself, so she has today's remarkable achievements.

Jin Xing almost forgot that she still had a lot of things on her mind that were written into these words.

She casually flipped through a page and recorded her feelings.

"It seems that after the age where you don't like me, I have to like you, but there are more and more people who don't get along with each other.

The weather was cold and cold, and after chatting with him last night, I went to bed early with a headache at about ten o'clock.

Something seemed to be going on at the base camp in the early morning, and Wan Xin said that I missed something, and I didn't feel it.

If you miss it, you miss it, and those missed news that are not missed will eventually be left behind the next day, and on the contrary, you will get a good night's sleep, which feels worthwhile.

Some things are no different from those that have not happened, and some people who have met and those who have not met are no different. The truth is that a lot of what we do is useless, such as trying to leave a little mark in someone's heart.

And if you miss it, some people will regret it, and some people will beautify it, in the final analysis, it is just a kind of self-absorption.

Some illusions will always be broken and make you wake up, or they will never be broken and keep you intoxicated.

Life doesn't make us stay too much on one person or one thing, we still have a lot of people to meet, and a lot of things to happen, but it's dispensable, because the feelings we get from these things will still be forgotten.

That's why I like to take notes when my feelings arise, and after that state of mind and situation, I have to give up.

He told me last night that it seems that he has passed the age where you don't like me and I have to like you, but more and more of them don't get along.

Looking at this sentence now, I feel childish. We've walked through the flowering season and seen the flowers bloom, and that's enough.

As for the devastation after the flower failure, I am afraid that it is more and more numb.

In the past, I prided myself on being a warm person and felt moved with a glass heart, but now I feel that my younger self is too immature.

Perhaps, I will still be moved, and there will be times when I am so warm that I cry, there will be no hypocrisy, no deliberateness, there will always be these moments in my life, I will still fall into these repeated cycles, maybe tomorrow I will look at the paragraph I wrote today, and I will scold, how can I have such a realistic statement.

Now I won't do unnecessary things, say unnecessary things, let go of young self-righteousness, and feel bored if I talk too much.

But I will continue to do what I want to do and say what I want to say. Life is full, I won't be alone for anyone, I can only be my own sun.

Last night, I talked a lot with this gentleman who thought too much, and I didn't shy away from asking questions, and I could only listen, agree or refute what he said. I don't know what my purpose is, maybe no one speaks, maybe I hope that someone will listen to my heart in the future.

And then after that incident, our communication could no longer be natural, more polite and pleasantries. A lot of words, but just to the point. One is to say too much is useless, and the other is to know oneself for warmth and coldness.

Thinking too much about Mr. will still think too much, about life, about the future, about marriage, about others. Typing these words, I feel that I am thinking too much again. I can only wish him here that he will find a suitable partner as soon as possible and live a happy and simple life.

After all, life is a big permutation and combination problem, the conditions are not complete, and the future is still difficult to predict. There's no way to do everything, just follow the general direction.

Now I listen to Leslie Cheung's blame for being too beautiful, and I remember how I guessed the mood of the person who wrote down these lyrics, and I didn't touch it more.

I will still like to listen to Leslie Cheung's songs, or I will like to watch Wong Kar-wai's movies, but it has nothing to do with that person.

Maybe it's because he is getting more and more like him, but not every woman is like Chunjiao, not every man is like Zhiming, and not any movie will be like Zhiming and Chunjiao. ”

Jin Xing pointed to the beginning and smiled at Li Xijue, "Do you know who said this?"

Li Xijue raised his eyebrows and said, "Huh?"

"It's the boy on your college bunk. ”

"So, he told you this?"

Li Xijue took the diary and looked at the words on it carefully, it was really a wonderful feeling to look at other people's diaries in front of the person concerned.

"He liked me at the beginning. Jin Xing's expression was very proud, "Even though I clearly told him at the beginning that the person I like is you, but ah, the only link between us is you, so I am willing to talk to him." ”

Now, in retrospect, maybe that's how it was, after the age of impulsiveness, the age of fantasy, it is not so easy to like someone. ”

Jin Xing lowered her head and smiled, and opened the next one.

“2015.2.11??? Wednesday??? fine

From today onwards, be a happy person, feed horses, chop wood, travel the world, and from today onwards, care about food and vegetables.

Mom was busy upstairs and downstairs, Dad and Grandpa were downstairs talking about various trivial things to prepare for the New Year, I turned on the computer alone, clicked on the music, took out a book from the book that I had not used before, and wrote the Tale of Jin Xing neatly on the cover.

And it just so happened that the music switched to Jay Chou's quiet.

Quiet room, quiet music, I held my pen and occasionally looked out the window.

On the windowsill, photo frames are projected by the sun, leaving the shadow of time.

In the frame, it's all my mother's smile. This woman, who mutters loudly in the big house all day long, expresses her enthusiasm for life in her own unique way.

So, this morning, by chance, from the sound of her muttering to herself counting things, I suddenly thought of Haizi's "facing the sea, spring flowers blooming".

The haze that had been hidden in my heart for months was dispelled by the sun, and my mood became very good.

I think I don't have to dwell on the sadness of the past, I can open my heart knots, let go of those past pieces one by one, walk out of the room, and embrace the sunshine.

Leave everything to time, just like Eggplant said, some things, can't be touched, never touch, time will eventually take away everything, whether it's a year, ten years.

From today onwards, be a happy person, feed horses, chop wood, travel the world, and from today onwards, care about food and vegetables. ”

Chapter 189: Hypocritical Love

Li Xijue scoffed, "It's really hypocritical." ”

"Yes, but now I don't have that kind of hypocritical thinking anymore. ”

Everything is the beginning of grief.

Jin Xing's hypocrisy, she thinks of the person who loves her the most since she was a child, because that person left this world forever, so she will grieve.

"At that time, I was ruthlessly abandoned by you. ”

She came out coldly, which made the second monk Li Xi confused.

What does that mean? ”

"That year, the person who loved me the most passed away. Jin Xing's eyes looked calmly ahead, as if telling a story that had nothing to do with her.

"You left me too. Although, I know I never got me, but I am happy to be with you. ”

"You'll probably never know how uncomfortable it would be for two people who were both important to me to leave me. ”

Li Xijue glanced at her diary, and saw that all her moods were recorded on it.

"The rain outside the window was getting heavier and heavier, and the rain was hitting the low houses of the residents outside the dormitory building, falling on the maple poplars in front of the balconies, dripping in the grass, and sprinkling on the windows, like sifting beans.

This is a spring rain, from last night, to this morning, it came unexpectedly, just like the memories of fifteen years ago, all at once flooded into my mind.

I am as sensitive to the sound of rain and water as I am to numbers, because they always remind me of rivers, lakes and seas, and then the boat in my memory - my original home - is drawn from various rivers.

Of course, when I can remember, I was not at that home, but on the fleet, with my grandparents.

Putting me with my grandparents was a reluctant decision of my parents, because, at that time, my mother happened to be pregnant with her younger brother and could not take care of me.

So, from the age of two to five, I stayed in the fleet, I don't remember much, but there are a lot of bits and pieces in my head.

For example, when the huge dragon head let out a low whimper, dragging a dozen iron boats tied to the reins like dragons on the clear river, my grandparents and the old man and old lady of a sailing company sat cross-legged on the bed of the building, in a circle, chatting about things I did not understand.

And I, who was sitting in my grandmother's arms, was focused on chatting and feeding eggs, and finally choked, spit the yolk in my mouth on the bed of the building, she patted me on the back, and looked around for a glass of water.

For example, the boat leaned against the bank of a river in the middle of nowhere, which was overgrown with trees. Because I refused to eat, my grandfather took out the spliced tin ruler sandwiched in the beam of the boat, and knocked on the table hard, the sound of "popping" was very loud, and I was punished to kneel on the bed of the building "wow" and cried, and the grandmother sitting next to him stopped his movements, holding a bowl and holding a spoon while coaxing and feeding......

For example, when the water on the coal stove boiled at night, my grandmother poured water into the basin, took off my pants, and sighed, "Xiaobao peed his pants again." ”

For example, my aunt's daughter, my only cousin, carefully led me from the shore onto the board that was not too wide, for fear that I would fall into the river, and then got into the bilge on the right, which is my grandfather's room, to watch "Journey to the West" quietly with me.

There is also an even more embarrassing one, and it is also the grandmother who died eight months ago, and when she was alive, she loved to expose jokes. That day I sat on the wooden toilet in the roadway and defecated, my coat wrapped around my belly pocket, and a thick hemp rope buckled behind my belly pocket. The boat was suddenly hit by another boat from the other side, and my body followed the toilet bowl and slid down with the force of the impact, and the toilet "poof" fell into the river, because it was an empty boat, I was suspended in the air by the rope, and did not get touched by the river.

Grandma poked her head out of the wooden window, only to see a tight hemp rope, slapped her thigh and shouted, "I'm going to die, the little girl fell into the river." ”

I don't remember this very much, and I only have a vague picture in my mind. Afterwards, my grandmother picked me up, and I stood on the roadway crying uncontrollably, and I didn't even have time to put my pants on.

Xu is frightened, Xu is ashamed, can you imagine a three- or four-year-old kid, halfway off his pants, suspended in the air by a rope, swinging like a pendulum clock on the surface of the river?

Every time my grandmother exposed my shortcomings, she had to mention it, and for 20 years, every time I mentioned it, I couldn't help but laugh at it. Now, no one has come to expose my shortcomings, and I suddenly regret it. Even if you are brave, without the sharing of the past, it will be boring.

From three to five years old, there are so many such things that I'm embarrassed to mention them again.

Before I was five years old, I had never met my parents, and I didn't know about the existence of Sister Ah and Po. At that time, I simply thought that in my own world, there were only my grandparents and me.

Outside the window, the rain that had just stopped for a while continued to fall, and the water droplets fell on the plastic baffle, and the insects chirped, faintly like the pond behind the house in summer. In my heart, I feel a little homesick.

At half past three in the morning in Nanjing, the rain outside the window was intermittent. ”

Li Xijue suddenly fell into some kind of self-blame, "I'm sorry, I don't know." ”

"How can I blame you. Jin Xing's eyes contained tears, as if recalling the original mood, "At that time, you disappeared without a trace, I called you, but you didn't answer, I asked everyone about your whereabouts, everyone said they didn't know, but I clearly knew that they knew where you were, who you were with, and what you were doing, but I didn't even have a reason to blame." ”

"Li Xijue, is it in your eyes that I was a joke, I practiced my body for you, and in the end I got no response. ”

"I'm sorry. "I'm sorry for being late for many years, but Jin Xing doesn't feel anything.

"So, how about not spending a night with you today, and giving you a day?"

Jin Xing turned her head to look at him, "You're not afraid that I will ....... you"

"You won't. Li Xijue said this almost confidently.

"You are a kind person. Li Xijue said this sentence almost as if he had made up his mind.

Jin Xing couldn't stop laughing.

"Ouch, you really are. I really can't stand it, such corny lines. ”

"I only promised you one day, are you sure you have to waste it on these meaningless things?" Li Xijue asked rhetorically.

"Of course, of course not, why only one day, I would have said how good it would have been a few more days. ”

Compensation, just to compensate for the bad they treated her at the beginning, both of them knew this in their hearts, but no one said it, they felt that it was not necessary, and they felt that it was too hurtful.

Li Xijue decided to use this day to make up for his debt to Jin Xing's original feelings.