Updated: 2012-06-30

"Many"

At the beginning of June, the wind in Melbourne was still so pretentious, and I stood at the top of the school building, looking at the school where I had lived for more than a year, and it was no surprise that I graduated early again.

It took me a year to finish learning all the things in two years, and my mind was full of things, so that there were no gaps at all, and I felt uncomfortable even gasping, but only in this way did I not have extra time to think too much, and I should not think too much about it.

The time of a year is not long, it is not short, but after a spring and summer, I spent a person's winter, and I saw the snow again, but it was a different scene.

Many times I think about why I ran away, I fled so far, because I insisted on driving myself so crazy, obviously very fragile, but I forced myself to be strong, hiding in this uninhabited city, watching the flowers bloom and fall alone, watching the morning and sunset. Cut off everything related to the past, I just want to forget, to forget fiercely.

But every time in the middle of the night, those memories flooded my brain like a tidal wave, and those past events were so clear and yet so vague that I couldn't even draw the outline of the face in my memory.

What has always been engraved in my mind is the light rain in the photo, which was what she looked like when she was a child, she was still so young.

Every time I think about it, my heart hurts, and it hurts.

As an older sister, I didn't even give her a trace of warmth until the moment she died. If all this is providence, then I can't refute it, it's just that fate directed this scene, and we can only go on the original track, and God will not feel pity because of some episodes. Who said that God is always fair, and when he closes a door for you, he will also open a window for you. But we have been tricked by fate, unable to escape, unable to escape, we can only be dragged by the years all the way.

Then I can only learn to be strong and stronger.

I've learned a lot in more than a year in Melbourne. In addition to English and knowledge, I learned to grow more, and many times, I can only enjoy solitude, I like to stay alone, there are not many friends here, and alumni will just say hello when they meet, that's all.

It's like a person who has lost temperature, no matter what kind of atmosphere, can't arouse my enthusiasm, once my world has always been a gray piece, I can't find a trace of color, I can't find a trace of sunshine, I can't laugh without temperature, I forget the curvature of the corners of my mouth, and I forget my own smile.

After a long time, many things have slowly begun to come to an end.

Whoever makes us not the masters of destiny, there is no way to change many things, we can only accept it.

I think that if he could, Xiao Luofan would definitely not want to do that, he would definitely not.

If she could, Xiaoyu wouldn't have done that.

None of them did it on purpose, no one was wrong, just the time was wrong.

It's hard for me to imagine what kind of environment Xiaoyu grew up in, and it's hard to imagine how important Xiao Luofan is to her, when I think of the tearful appearance that she loves Xiao Luofan so much that she can even die for him, I just feel distressed, full of distress.

If she asked, could she give him up to her.

I think I will.

It's just that she didn't give me such a chance, she was so cruel, she didn't even give me a chance, and disappeared from my life like this, she must hate me very much, hate me to the core. In the moment before she died, she must have been smiling, no matter what, she was the winner in the end, she died, our hearts died.

Xiaoyu, look! I still can't fight you, are you happy?

Every time I think about it, I sneer. We're fighting to the death for the same man, it's fun, isn't it, it's not fun at all...... Laughing and laughing, I cried again.

Sometimes standing in the square and watching the crowd, watching the people come and go, everyone rushing by, not even the wind wants to stop, I really can't find the slightest reason to cling to the past.

In fact, the person I am most reluctant to forgive for that memory is myself.

The one I don't want to accept the most is myself.

But some things will eventually be slowly exhausted in the years, and will slowly change in the ruthless erosion of time, and in the end, I really can't remember it at all.

I thought, I can finally let go.

The only thing that makes me feel good about Melbourne is that I met Yazi here.

Who's to say you can't believe in fate?

I think she also knows about me, she doesn't ask a lot of things, and she meets me occasionally, but I still don't smile much, and she always thinks of ways to make me happy, in fact, I am already very happy with everything she has done for me.

She is my only support in the city. The wandering heart finally has a little bit of belonging.

I thought about going back, going back to City A, I thought I would go back, but it would take a while, after all the wounds were healed.

I miss them so much.

Miss my parents, they must be very affectionate. It's really not easy for two people to be together again, and I would love to go back and see if they have grown old and their hair has turned slightly gray.

I think Yun, I don't know how she and Mo Zixi have developed, whether Mo Zixi still likes to mess with flowers and grass as before, or he has been subdued by Yun, and he is willing to leave the wild flowers outside and not pick them, and only take her as a scoop.

I miss Xiaoli, she and Haozi's little girl must have grown up now, she should learn to walk, or babble, I don't know if she looks like Xiaoli, or like a child, or neither.

I miss Qiangzi and Haozi, this pair of living treasures. I want to see how the two of them look when they quarrel, and there is always no annoyance.

I miss it, I miss it......

I miss you, Xiao Luofan.

But why did you never look for me? Or maybe you did, but you couldn't find me.

On the day the plane took off, in fact, at the security checkpoint, I saw you, but I deliberately wanted to hide because I didn't know how to face it, I couldn't face it.

Now that everything is relieved, I think you are too, right?

Time is the greatest healer, but also the most ruthless killer, while it heals all the wounds of our past, and at the same time erases the most distant memories in our minds, I have forgotten your gentle appearance, and you will certainly not remember my smile.

We will all drift apart from each other until we fade out of each other's worlds, until one day, we can no longer find a trace of each other's coming.

I can't find any trace of where you came from, I have searched every corner of my heart, but I have found no trace of you. I was scared, scared of this feeling, I was thinking what should I do, am I going to forget you like this? Will I forget? I will slowly forget the person I love the most in my life, I used to love him more than I loved myself, I loved this man to the bone marrow, but in the end he disappeared from my world.

Leave no trace.

Xiao Luofan

There is a flower that is very beautiful, but it hides a great poison, and it is the poppy.

Love is like a poppy, it will make people hidden, and it will make people can't help it, even if it is desperate, it also requires a completeness.

I was lost in love and kept hurting myself with the love she gave.

I want to admit that I was wrong, but I don't allow myself to give myself that chance.

For more than a year, I was like a puppet with no soul, only a shell, unable to think, without emotion, running like a machine, working, socializing, just wanting to keep myself busy, busier, and using every minute and every second of 24 hours a day to the fullest, so that I would not have extra time to think about superfluous things.

But like the poppy, even if you have given it up and discarded it again, it will still haunt you like a demon, and those memories will scream and scream in the middle of the night every time, and it will tremble wildly against every inch of skin, every drop of blood, and even every pore on my body.

I want to run, I run desperately, but I can't resist, it's like being pressed on a chopping block, I have lost the ability to resist, and I can be ruthlessly crippled by reality.

Even I can no longer find my heart, I forget, where I left it.

Or in the wind, or in the rain, or by the time many hops on a plane to leave the city, it's dead. It lay quietly in a corner, and even if I tried to find a place to bury it, I could find a trace of it, or maybe it was gone.

Sometimes I laugh hard, laughing at myself, laughing at her, laughing at Xiaoyu.

All three of us are too stupid and too stupid.

We don't know how to be good to ourselves, we hurt ourselves so much that we have nowhere to hide, we force ourselves to jump into the trap we have set, and then we all end up losing ourselves and finding no way out in the prison where we have been placed.

Sometimes I miss Xiaoyu's smile, how innocent she used to be.

Sometimes, I miss many, most wanton smiles, and the shallow dimples hanging from the corners of her mouth, is she okay now?

I didn't go to her.

She was so determined that she didn't even give me the last chance, and she didn't give herself a chance, I think, she must have broken her heart. I told myself that I couldn't go to her again, that would only hurt her deeper.

It's only been a year, where is she?

This year, I have traveled through various occasions and met all kinds of women, some of them are knowledgeable, some are gentle and lovely, and some are proud, but they are not her.

No matter how good they are, it's not her.

I think we'll meet again one day, just like we met for the first time. Fate didn't give us any forenotice, so we met each other defenselessly. Or at the next intersection, or at the last bus at night, I look up and see her warmest smiling face.

Maybe, maybe not.