The blindfolded moment to say that I have no fear in my heart is false, and everyone is afraid of the unknown. And I'm the one who fears me a lot.

Tina Hsu said that the subject of the shoot was black, which is a substance that is incompatible with me. I am afraid of it, but I love to be with it, I am afraid of the unknown wrapped in it, and I love the loneliness that follows it like a shadow. I love solitude, it may sound weird, but I do enjoy it. I fear the unknown, like a chick peeping into the world when it just emerges from its shell. Everyone knows that I am afraid of the dark, and I have never tried to hide it, because my family rules do not allow me to lie. And I also think that lying can magnify people's fears, and only by facing them is the first step to overcome their fears and overcome themselves. That's why I'm often dressed in plain black, and if you ask me why, I'll probably say something like "dancing with fear." In the darkness, I also felt free, the freedom of a dream, and the constraints of reality followed.

The bondage, the bondage that the darkness gave me and the struggle I had in it, how could it be expressed with a mere ribbon over the eyes. But my fear made me hesitate for a moment, a little.

Tina Hsu wasn't satisfied, and sure enough, her idea sounded bold and almost whimsical. Jiang Yu was the first to oppose and defended me without hesitation, and I really realized that she had returned to my world. Or rather, I'm back in the world with her.

Yes, Jiang Ji is back, the girl called Liuliu who was by my side six years ago, who fell in love with me and was spoiled by me, she appeared. Half a month ago, she inexplicably appeared in my company and became my new agent. The people I have missed day and night for six years, the people I have often prayed to Heaven to give back to me, turned out to be so easy. Her shoulder-length hair had grown only slightly, but it had become a feminine curl. She has lost a little weight, put on makeup, and looks mature and capable, looking better than before. Maybe Sister Li Mo won't recognize her when she sees her now, but I still recognized her at first sight, and my heart was like a knife. Because the fire in her eyes, which danced in her fox-like eyes, no longer burned.

The reason why I dare to try is because I know that this resource is not easy for her, although I am not willing to take the initiative to show my willingness to be close to her, but I also don't want her efforts to be in vain, let alone for my bubble. When I said I agreed to the plan, she was the first to object, and then I saw that her eyes flashed with the kind of light I knew and loved, as stubborn as a fox. I think I insisted that I could, probably by this light.

She couldn't stand my insistence, and relented and agreed to let me try: "Don't be reckless, you love to be reckless." This made my nose sour, as if I was still concerned about the huge world, Rao was what I was used to and enjoyed these six years of solitude, and I also felt my heartstrings touched, something I had missed, something that had been absent from my songs, and it was close to me.

Then I put on the blindfold and she took my hand.

Heaven and earth are Hongmeng, and the heart is beating at this moment.

Her hand was warm, holding my hand softly, and the temperature from her fingertips was warm with my palm prints, as if she was not going anywhere.

For a moment, even though there was only a fleeting thought, I thought that if I was led by her, what was there to fear about being lonely, and what was the point of darkness?

After Jiang Shu left, I took off my blindfold. Oh, it's really a complete black house, everything is silent, and I can't see my fingers. I have the walkie-talkie that Jiang Shusai gave me, and she is always guarding me on the other end of the walkie-talkie, which gives me some comfort. But I don't plan to use it, I want to more or less prove my bravery, to myself, to Jiang Ji.

I still don't know why she left me at that time, but she and I have been seeing each other every day recently, and I still can't ask. Then I had the opportunity to review our relationship. and the bitterness of their own gains and losses over the years. So I allowed myself to be swallowed up in darkness.

Strange to say, the first question that came to my mind was: Who am I?

It seems that the answer is obvious, I am Zhou Zhenan. But as time passed, I didn't feel like I was the first person. You know, the goal I advertised to myself at the beginning was to "insist on being an original musician", and I really worked hard for it, I went abroad to study, but also to make better music to give back to the public, but people don't understand, people who love me don't care about my music, they look forward to "my" music, whether it's good or bad, no matter the details, I understand their undifferentiated love, I am deeply grateful, but I can't accept it with peace of mind.

The company said that I was not popular enough, and kept asking me to sing some "pop songs" that were completely different from my style, and my personal style was a niche among the people in the music department, and it was the original sin that I couldn't become popular. Sister Li Mo has always emphasized to me that the number of fans is the most important thing that idols should pay attention to, and my mere seven million fans seem to be a little out of reach in the idol circle. Sister Li Mo has always wanted me to attract fans, which is understandable in the idol circle, but I can't do it. I still feel that fans are friends I don't meet, and I rely on sincerity for sincerity. Jiang Ji is also like this, seeing fans as an item that can be used and traded - traffic. Their ideas are the mainstream in this circle, and Jiang Yu also said that I only use to make music happily, and she will worry about the rest for me. But I just felt gloomy, and I couldn't speak.

But I really followed what they said to participate in some fan-attracting variety shows, I think I'm so tired. I'm not just the milk cuteness and milk fierceness they say in front of the camera, but my fans and friends prefer this to wave their flags and shout. It's all love, it's all recognition, I know. But I'm also worried, in fact, I'm a person who likes to be quieter when I'm alone, and I can't sleep at night, and I will have a lot of worries, and I will have my own problems, if Zhou Zhenan, who can barely survive on sixteen kinds of medicine, is discovered, if they find out that I am actually a problem youth, will I be abandoned by them as a stranger. Even Jiang Ji, I don't think there is a way to face a man who relies on drugs to maintain a normal life. But who am I to blame?

The ferocity of this disease began when it was in a foreign country. I participated in variety shows and won the first place, but Shengshi didn't have the resources to give me, there are many reasons, in the final analysis, it's my lack of ability. Later, I studied overseas, and I was not exposed in China for a long time, and my fans shrank. Sister Li Mo pointed to the reduced data and I was heartbroken every time. I'm obviously 20 years old, and I've been practicing for six years and debuting for three years, but I still feel like a kid who has done something wrong. Panic on the streets of a foreign country and don't know what to do. Whether I did something wrong, whether I wasn't suitable for this path, I kept asking myself, but no one gave me an answer.

I would call home, and with the jet lag and heavy schoolwork, I would often only make an occasional call or two late at night in the United States. I'm grown up, and I don't want my parents and siblings to worry about me, I've been used to reporting good news and not bad news since six years ago, and it's probably not a big deal now.

Once on my brother's birthday, I called back to wish him a happy birthday, and I suddenly felt very lonely when I heard that it was happy over there. At that time, it was noon Beijing time, my parents took my younger brother to a banquet in the hotel, I haven't been to the newly opened restaurant, and I have to get together with relatives and friends at home at night, my brother has grown up, we are all very happy, I don't know if the younger brother who can only play with me is more stable now. In the future, perhaps all of his father's burdens will fall on his head.

I thought I was happy, and I should be, but when I put down my phone and the voices were full of joy, I realized that I was facing a room of silence, and that night was my first insomnia.

After that, I started to need medication to sleep. I also need to take medication on a daily basis to keep me motivated. Coupled with the stomach medicine and painkillers that I have been taking before, there are as many as sixteen kinds before I know it. It sounds scary, but I'm thankful that these drugs have given me a decent and normal life. I didn't tell anyone, maybe I didn't want to cause trouble, maybe I was afraid that when my friends who loved me found out that I had become a problem itself, they would solve the problem with righteousness. There is no one in this world who can't open anyone, and no one is inseparable from me, Jiang Ji taught me this truth, and those fans and friends who chose to leave also taught me.

Who can I blame? Nobody. Maybe I'm not good enough for that. Maybe I'm not the one who eats this bowl of rice at all. I only allowed myself to whisper to myself. Because what the world needs may be the double-faced killer Zhou Zhenan, who milks and A anytime and anywhere, and this name is also given to me by fans and friends, so maybe living well in this identity and living as everyone's ideal is what idols should do.

But what if I'm not, if I don't do it well, I'm probably going to be abandoned by the world. It's like being in this boundless darkness.

The artist is not on stage, that spotlight does not hit you, you are nothing. People outside say that artists are as bright as stars, but in fact, I think I'm more like dust, and I've been working hard, but only through the beam of light that shines down vertically, can occasionally illuminate my momentary floating. I am deeply grateful and love this stage, but I am also afraid of losing it, which is the nourishment that I grew up on, but I did not grow up to be worthy of it.

I used to swear to be original, but then I went against my heart and embarked on the road of traffic. I wanted to give everyone strength, but I lost my faith first. I lost Jiang Shu, and I didn't even defend myself.

At some point, I burst into tears.