I had to rethink my relationship with my mom.

It's difficult, and every time I think about how much I am no longer responsible for my mother, I feel terrified.

I know that this is just imagination, this is the character takes himself too seriously, as if without me, my mother can't live. It seems that I usually do a lot of things for my mother, and then once I don't do anything, my mother will be instantly unable to adapt.

Not at all.

However, every time I think that my mother's idle life will be broken by me, I may not wash my face with tears all day long, but I am always worried about me. No more idleness, no more relaxation, no longer enjoy a relaxed and pleasant old age.

I felt like I was scorched by a flame.

Of course, killing my mother doesn't mean that my mother's life will change, and I know that very well. But the character kept encouraging me to imagine the endless abyss-like image, making me blame myself for all the faults.

Mom used to be very hard, in fact, every mother is very hard, this can be proved by people who are only mothers. Now, my mother's son is out of the picture, the first person in the empire.

This is the pride that belongs to my mother, but isn't it a kind of show-off? The so-called pride is that others don't have it but I have it. Like, my mother will never be proud of "my son is still alive", because everyone's son is alive.

Now, instead of maintaining my mother's pride, I want to break it with my own hands.

I made my mother proud, but in fact, it was for my own vanity.

"Look, I can make my mother proud, but you can't. ”

It's just that in another way, it seems that it is for the sake of my mother, it looks very noble, and it looks like I am a filial son.

Mother is more precious than son, and the words that have been passed down for many years. And then what? Mother is more expensive than son, and then what? This is just a description of a state, like "water is wet", does it have any special meaning?

Should I be responsible for my mother's pride? Should I try so that my mother can show off? Should I let my mother stand out among the mothers-in-law around me?

So, should I die, be a beggar, be an inferior person, and live with my mother on a park bench?

Ha!

It's black and white, as if I killed my mother, which means that I will be reduced to a mad unfilial descendant from now on.

"Then why don't you kill my mother?"

"Why don't you want to think about how hard your mother used to be?"

"You should make your mother happy, so that your mother can look up and be a person. ”

"Why don't you sell all your mother's property?"

Why should I do this?

The characters are manipulating, making up stories, trying to control the future with limited cognition. And tell me that these are the scenarios for the future. But is that the future? Is the future in my limited understanding?

It seems that I can choose a future within my limited cognition, and when I am confronted with something beyond cognition, the character will directly deny it, or use emotions to cover it up.

How can we talk about maternal love? How can we talk about filial piety? How can we talk about family affection as a kind of transaction?

The surging emotions will instantly overwhelm reason, and the character can easily bluff me.

Perhaps, my mother's future will completely change direction because of my killing. But it is also possible that nothing has changed.

I can only be sure that it is me who has changed. After killing my mother, I will definitely not do anything because of my mother, and I will no longer be affected by my mother in any way.

I don't over, discard unnecessary self-definitions, and make decisions that flow with the flow. No more using my little head to weigh and no longer understand "what's good for me" as good.

Let go, surrender, not control.

Pretending that you still care about your mother, going back to dinner on the weekend, and making an occasional phone call, what's the difference from before?

Is it necessary to pretend? After killing yourself, will you still pretend?

Here it is again, or control, what to pretend not to pretend, I don't know. If the universe needs me to pretend, then I pretend. If you don't need it, forget it.

Is there any point in living a puppet without a mind?

Damn it!

I'm still trying to convince others, to seek recognition, to make others admit my slashing behavior, so that others will not despise my slashing path.

Or someone else!

Cowards, idiots, retards!

Having said so much, it will never change, thinking so much, what's the use?

I just got rid of my mother's influence in my head, why did I make up so many stories, and how could I control my mother's mind?

This situation is similar to my desire to control others!

I want others to be tall, mighty, funny, humorous, gentlemanly, knowledgeable, I want others to recognize me, I want others to worship me.

They are all trying to use the sum of their own information about others in their own minds to imagine the reactions of others, and make speech choices based on this sum of information.

Mom, it's just a bunch of virtual data in my head. Everything I know about my mother is in my head, and all the data comes from myself. In fact, the real image of my mother does not exist at all, it is all my imagination.

I imagined my mother would be like this, and I imagined my mother would be like that, building a lot of virtual data based on my mother's behavior. I don't know what my mother's real image is, I only know the image of my mother who "I think my mother is".

In other words, am I just playing games with my imagination? All the confusion comes from my imagination?

Depend on!

Character, you're too ruthless, aren't you! You've been playing with me like this for so many years? Since it's all my own imagination, what reason do I have to say that the future will develop according to my imagination?

It seems that little things always seem to go the way I imagined them to be. Like, I'm going to one moment, and then I'm actually going to. However, this is only one of the possibilities entirely.

Perhaps, suddenly there was an earthquake, and I ran away and forgot to too. Perhaps, suddenly a robbery comes in, and I won't either. Even, if suddenly I hit the table and break my leg, I won't.

In short, I just take a certain possibility as an undoubted affirmation.

A false self-definition that distorts my view of the world. Countless layers of thin veil fluttered in front of me, but I couldn't see my own reality. Because I never look at myself, the tulle completely captures all my attention.

Even taking your eyes off the veil becomes a sin.

Sorry, I can only choose one of the dreams set by the Empire. If I dream of the destruction of the world, I'm sorry, this kind of dream does not allow it. Choose one of the dreams set by others and make it your own, this is me!

Disgusting.

My actions have long been set by the entire empire, and there is no room for turnaround. It seems that everyone has their own stage, but in fact, it is just the same stage and their own position.

Ha!

It's better to die, this is something that the empire can't intervene in and can't take away, not even the slightest change. Always by my side, quietly watching me, perhaps, the Grim Reaper is uncomfortable, because I have forgotten her again, ignored her again.

Under the sun, there is no place for the Grim Reaper.

No, death is always by my side, and I'm going to bring you out and hold hands in the sun. For you are mine, and I belong to you.

What else can separate us?