Notes: Part three

When you are alone, you will always be aware of things that are easy to ignore in an extremely quiet environment – or more accurately to deliberately ignore them.

To be more precise, it is the last thing you usually want to taste and discover.

For example, in the chest now, the faint but very clear tingling sensation is easy to ignore in normal times, and the probability of even detecting it is very low, no, even if you do, most of you will treat it as an illusion and continue to ignore it. At this point, I can even imagine the unsightly look of myself who laughed at it.

However, this is not the case now, and the tingling is very faint, but it cannot be ignored, even if the head is constantly switching between thoughts.

I refused to give up, and over and over again I was giving myself hints -- fake! All this was fake! A voice like mine kept roaring in my ear -- ignoring it! Ignoring these things! Constantly and repeatedly hypnotizing myself.

However, these are still in vain, and self-hypnosis is no match for the reality of that existence after all.

Even the slightest sting is still in reality, that is, reality, and reality cannot be changed by imagination alone, as I have known for many years and have experienced many times myself, without exception.

His own shouts and roars were like the few lines of a ridiculous clown, dancing a one-man show on that lonely stage—there was no audience under the stage, and there was no laughter, just empty seats that people would never see.

Because of this, I probably put more effort into this one-man show... In order not to face the cruel truth.

I can't tolerate being discovered what I desire, so I became a clown on this stage, and I didn't bring joy to others, thinking that I had worked hard to do it, but I was still facing an empty audience... yes, it's really unbearable.

Even clowns need an audience that can understand, so I don't need much... However, the reality does not respond to even this little demand, and so - the reality has become even more cruel.

Gradually, the pain in the chest is no longer the kind that can be ignored, and I have to hold my chest and shrink my body, since it can't be eliminated, then I can only bear it, right?

As this thought arose, the pain in my chest slowly spread throughout my body, stimulating every corner of my body - once the pain is generated, it will never go away, no matter how good the method is to make it dissipate, there will inevitably be a carrier to carry this pain.

So, there is no doubt that I am really the carrier of this pain at this time, whether it is the cause of the pain or the method of elimination, these are not things I should think about, just honestly act as the carrier... Perhaps, tomorrow will be gone, I thought to myself in the last remaining lucidity.

But will it really go away? maybe... A clown who has no audience, maybe, one day, he can bring laughter to others, and maybe among the passers-by who come to this audience by chance, there will be someone who can appreciate this lonely comedy?

Still, I really hope to get that response... Even if you don't understand, don't understand, and have no interest in it, the empty seats in the audience are for me... It's too much, and it's too dark.

What I crave - that's all.

Therefore, the time of this pain is definitely not short-lived, nor is it accidental, it will be with me for many times – even forever.

Perhaps, on the day when I could no longer be the carrier of this pain, all the paths I had traveled collapsed - I could only find my own instinct to walk, and then I would be able to get rid of this torment.