Comrade Jia Yuhao:

A few days ago, I received a notice from the hospital, which was a special subsidy for the family, asking for your certificate of sacrifice in the line of duty, and I woke up from a few years of confusion. The pen ~ fun ~ Pavilion www.biquge.info asked the hospital, saying that it had been distributed at that time, and it may have been taken by your father. This certificate may be helpful for my child's future entrance examinations, but I don't want her to benefit from your sacrifice, I think I should go her own way in life because of my own efforts.

In the past few years, every time I encounter matters related to your departure, I am trying my best to avoid and avoid, I don't want to face anything related to your departure into my mind, because I still can't calm my heart, my heart is trembling like a thousand arrows piercing my heart.

There are about a few hundred thousand subsidies a year, I don't want to do this, I want to get rid of everything related to your departure, and I am resistant to using your departure in exchange for any convenience in life. I want to use the strength we have worked so hard to accumulate and my future efforts to maintain the life of me and my children, no longer because you lost your life in exchange for a small subsidy, I can't bear it! It will make my heart fall into pain and despair again and again.

You have been in your dreams for a few days, why are we always on the road? The scene in the dream is a scene that we have never seen before, last night we actually said that we were on the streets of Vietnam and Thailand, seeing Buddha statues and temples, but we are still hurrying. Are you trying to tell me that no matter what dimension we are in, we can't get out of samsara, and you still can't let go of the fact that we can't be born in peace? Can you tell me what kind of karma we have, what kind of fate we have, how we have such an outcome, and what do I have to learn from this situation?

Is it as Teacher Liu Lihong said, to learn the impermanence of life, to learn to face it? or as Teacher Ba said: learn to let go?

As for me, in the past few years, I have thought and realized that life is just a one-time experience, and as for the so-called feelings, wealth, status, and so on, everything is just nothingness born with the situation, so I no longer care about the old man's widowhood, nor do I care about gains and losses, I believe that everything has been arranged in the dark, so why should I be persistent?!

We used to love each other so much, so heart-to-heart, so cherished each other, didn't you say that you just let go? You didn't even leave me a word, and you walked so resolutely! What else can I expect and expect from whom?

Although I am also thinking about spending this long life, I may be lonely and trying to find someone to accompany me, but maybe I have enjoyed the beauty of this life, God no longer favors me, and maybe you have the credit for hindering it, which is always a little bit worse. Then I will resign myself to my fate and stop wasting time and energy on this matter. You're angry at me for having such thoughts, aren't you? Are you angry that you haven't come back to see me for months? Your selfishness still hasn't changed? You think I've been guarding this life for you, right? I want to too, but do you know the loneliness and helplessness of a person who is far away from home? Why are you coming back now? I know that no matter what I do, you won't blame me, you won't leave me alone, remember you once said that if someone was better to me than you would let go, now that you have let go, I can't find someone better than you!

Today's life is actually very good, with the foundation of life laid by you, I no longer have to worry about my livelihood, nor do I have to worry about the growth of my children, I go to work every day, write our stories, and live every day freely.

I remember that you had the urge to buy a car in 08, I delayed it, sometimes I thought that if I bought a car at that time, maybe you would not have an accident, and then I thought that buying a car was also you saw that I bought it for me to drive to and from work, and you will never drive a car to commute to work in a few steps.

I once made a rule for myself: three years, three years of keeping you! After three years, I should start my own life, three years may be an insignificant amount of time for our affection, but if I continue to not get out, then my life may be ruined. I was forcing myself to come out and start a new life, and while I was still sad and sad, I didn't allow myself to indulge in it anymore. You should understand my character, I am a person who is weak on the outside and strong on the inside, and I will not put myself or even my child's life on the line, even if you leave! You should understand that this is not my ruthlessness, but my endless struggle!

I don't remember nagging you? I have already bought a house with the money in my hand, and it is also an education fund reserved for Doudou, which can be realized when the time comes. Even if it's the money you left behind, I'll save it for Doudou, I know that she is the person you are most worried about, and I will do my best to give the child a healthy growth. It's just that the current educational environment is very poor, and children's autonomy is limited, and I have such thoughts when I see that many of my friends' children are sent abroad to study. With Doudou's personality and ability, the foreign education method may be suitable for her, but my brother disagrees, he is especially opposed to me sending Doudou out to study, and I also think that it may be good for a girl to live an easy life.

Now I regret more and more that I gave up my major, these days I happened to watch the TV series "The Distance to Love", talking about things in the hospital, I feel very uncomfortable, if I am still in the hospital, it should be time to make a difference. It's a pity that although my work is easy now, the loss of doing nothing often lingers in my heart! I shouldn't be like this! Thinking about the ambition and ambition of Lingyun in the past, now it can only be a trauma that I can't go back.

I said I wanted to buy a car, and my brother urged me to buy a car, and I kept procrastinating, and you see that I was staring at me all the time, can I drive? I don't have confidence in myself. A few days ago, I went to see Suzuki's Tianyu, do you remember that I just started to like Yaris? Tianyu looks a little more atmospheric, I went to try the car with my eldest brother, and my eldest brother said that the performance is quite good in all aspects, but I hesitated when I started, so I haven't bought it yet, I think I will start before the end of the year, I want the red one, right?

You can't be so selfish, can you? Bless me, bless Doudou and live in peace, okay?

That's all for today. The sun is very good, I should dry the cotton tires to prepare for the cold weather, the wool is estimated not to be used, and it will be dried in a few days. I remember that you often say that I am not tired of tossing, and there are several kinds of quilts: towel quilts, air conditioning quilts, silk quilts, blankets, cotton tires, wool quilts...... Choose different quilts according to different temperatures and keep pouring them. Sometimes you will complain when you are dragged to the roof to dry, but when you sleep comfortably and sweetly covered with a suitable quilt, you will not feel comfortable from the bottom of your heart? Now the balcony can be dried, and I don't have to move to the roof again, and I am much more relaxed.

Don't talk about it, it's never over when you nag it, and I always want to tell you all the trivial things. Forget it, I'd better forget about you and live your life slowly.

XW

2013.10.27