Child:

From today on, I will no longer treat you as a child, and you should grow up to be sensible.

My mind was in turmoil, and I thought of where I went.

I was a country kid who had never seen the world, I didn't have it when I was a child, I didn't grow up, and I tried my best to live my best life and work in this limited range of life and work, and the hardships and inner turmoil and fears were known only to me.

I am also very pleased that I can keep you healthy and healthy in the case of one person.

You often say that I once promised you to go all over China after graduating from elementary school, I don't know what kind of thoughts and intentions you have? At that time, we were a happy family! If your father was here, it would be certain that he would have traveled all over China, but now, it is already stretched thin for me to support you and honor your parents with such a meager salary, and besides, how can I have the heart to take you on a trip? Every time you say this, my heart will ache very much, and I don't know if you really don't understand or deliberately poke me in the heart with a knife.

But it's not that I haven't thought that we can still go to some short-distance places that we can do, and it will also broaden your horizons a lot, so as not to be a frog at the bottom of a well. But if you resolutely say that you won't go with me, I really don't want to make things worse on the basis of the already poor economy.

If you can't understand how hard a widow mother is trying to give you the best future she can, if you can't understand how hard a country child can be alone in this unaccompanied foreign land, her sadness, unwillingness, and hard work, what's the use of talking about it? I'm not a person without self-esteem, and I'm not a sister-in-law of Xianglin. Sometimes I hate my nagging, but is there anything else I can do?

As a mother, from the moment I learned that I was pregnant, I tried to give my child a carefree, happy, joyful, and healthy life.

However, God does not fulfill people's wishes, and in the current situation, although my thoughts have always remained the same and I have been working hard, I can't do it. I can't do it with all my effort and effort, and I don't even know how the child I have been raising with all my heart and soul is like an enemy? I am sad and sad when I talk and do everything, but you are happy? The so-called words and deeds have all been in vain when I have taught me here? My strength, my respect for the old and my love for the young, my cleanliness and tidiness, and my positive and hard-working attitude towards life have not affected you?

Although every child has adolescent rebellion, the human heart is always fleshy and soft!

I can provide you with all the conditions, I am not stingy to meet you, there are a lot of expenses that are not necessary in life, I have silently satisfied you, I don't want to leave your life with any regrets that can not meet your wishes, because childhood, adolescence is only a few years, after a few years, you will not do those things that you will do, I hope you can leave no gaps and regrets in every stage of your life, do you understand my intentions?

But where and what level you go in your life in the future depends on yourself, because no one's path can be replaced by others. I can only forgive myself for the things I can't do, I can't study for you, go to the college entrance examination, how to try to reach the best level, just like I can't do anything about your father's death.

Over the years, I have come alone, no one can help me a little, and sometimes I feel sorry for myself. How many times have I felt that I can't live, I think of dying, I think of a hundred, but I don't even have the right to die or get sick, I'm gone, who will take care of my elderly parents and my young children for me?

You don't have to be so screwed with me all the time, in this world, there is no other person who treats you so selflessly, if you think that you feel good about making me miserable, I will accept it, who called me such a life?

I don't expect you to be able to retire in your old age, even if you have a high position and a lot of wealth in the future, I don't expect you to give me a piece of the pie, you are poor and hungry, and I don't have the ability to support you much. Your efforts today are for yourself, not for me.

I'm just a person who has no interest, no one can let go, always soft-hearted, can't let go of my elderly parents, can't let go of my nephew who should have taken on a piece of the sky a long time ago, and can't let go of you who lost your father since childhood, I am always trying my best to consider and arrange for you, but which of you has ever understood my difficulty?

Maybe I'm wrong, because no matter how difficult I am, I didn't let you feel it, I would rather not even eat four yuan of meat and vegetables at noon, but also save money to invite you to a big meal, my intention is to give you not to feel inferior to others, but also to see the world, don't keep your eyes on a few dollars of fast food. I would rather buy a stall and Taobao to buy dozens of yuan of clothes, but I am willing to save money to buy a house for my parents, buy medicine, and make them happy.

Just like when our family had nothing, I advocated giving your grandparents a lot of money every year, at that time your father didn't agree, but there are many examples of children who want to raise and their relatives are not there, I don't want him to have regrets in life, and we are still young, life will get better day by day, since your father left I also feel gratified, since he was a child, he also repaid his parents' nurturing grace as much as he could.

Or maybe it's my way of doing this, which leads to the illusion that your grandfather's family thinks that we are living a prosperous life and doesn't understand our difficulties and don't know how to understand.

Even the ruthlessness and unrighteousness of your grandfather's family, I will forgive them for your father's sake, find reasons for them, and forgive them.

Originally, you have grown up, you should have shared the difficulties of our life, and I have always protected you, and I don't want you to work hard to deal with life early, because I know that everyone's life is hard, and I can protect you for one more day, this may be my fault, I have too much arrangement for you, too much accommodation, even your underwear, socks are cleaned for you, and you are not allowed to do any housework, but when you grow up, should you be more sensible? Even if you clean up yourself? Since you came home from vacation, the guest room, I feel that without my father's love, I can do the best I can for you, and you can live carefree days one day longer, and I am reluctant for you to face this world that is not peaceful or even cruel. But can you get the idea?

And seeing you now makes me doubt my parenting philosophy. I also grew up at your age, and your grandmother spoiled me just as much at that time.

And I have never let her down in my studies, in my future planning, and in my understanding and respect for my parents. I thought that people would be sensible when they should be sensible, but I was helpless in the face of you.

I went around asking people how to educate children, yesterday I discussed your future plan with Uncle Huang Yujian for an afternoon, and in the evening I asked my uncle to come and speak to inspire you, and I also made an appointment with Aunt Yuanxia to meet Brother Momo one day, hoping that he could give you pertinent advice from the perspective of a peer.

Everyone's growth environment is not comparable, but people are always people, the truth is the same, no matter what era, people's hearts are always people's hearts!

I am disappointed in you, I am not just disappointed in your grades, grades are just a symptom, I am even more disappointed in your attitude towards life, life and study. If you have a positive and motivated heart, I don't believe that you won't be able to get results!

Later, I thought: If you can't even understand and respect a lonely widow mother who worked hard to raise you, and you can't think of repaying her considerately with your own ability—although I haven't thought about how to repay me since I had you—what's the use of you being admitted to Tsinghua University and Peking University?

Child, in the final analysis, this world is to be a human being first, and if you can't even do a human being, there is no meaning in others.

I can do my best for all my responsibilities and obligations as a human being, and I can do my best to have a clear conscience, and even if you have your own life path and ignore me, I can accept it (although this is the sorrow of a mother, but it is also a mother's greatest forgiveness for her children), and I can't do anything about your future that you have to control yourself.

I'm in my forties, when have you ever seen me run? But in order to accompany you, I get up early in the morning to run with you, and my biological clock is also disrupted, and I don't have time to get on the tuba every morning, and the biological clock disrupted at such an age is equivalent to this no longer young body has to re-establish a balance, do you know how difficult it is?

And in order to mobilize your enthusiasm and a positive attitude towards learning and life, I am willing to do it no matter how difficult it is.

I am willing to make the sacrifices I can make that I can fulfill you.

At the beginning, in order for your father to be able to study wholeheartedly and make a career, in order to take care of the family, take care of you, and accompany you to grow up, I gave up my major.

I don't think I'm a mediocre person, I'm even a person who is not willing to be ordinary, but what can I do now? Why do people dare to bully me openly? Because we are orphans and widows, we have no support or status, and if we are bullied, I can only eat coptis dumbly, because I don't have any capital to worry about others.

So I don't want you to have such a time in the future, I don't want you to be angry and wronged. So I do my best to want you to have a good starting point and not be bullied arbitrarily.

As a helpless person, the only way to take the entrance examination is the best and shortest way. If you can't even endure this hardship on this road, and lose such a great future, the difficulties of life in the future will be countless, how can you deal with it?

I wasn't a quick-tempered person, and my situation, my anxieties, and my hardships didn't make me a shrew, which was the best result of my unremitting self-adjustment and resolution.

No matter what my attitude and way is, my love for you is undoubted, heaven and earth can be learned, and when you grow up, you should be more considerate of my intentions, rather than choosing to twist and confront.

As a mother, I think I can do this in such a situation, and I have a clear conscience.

And what about your state? I hope you can reflect and reflect.

Many things are not said to be done well, the determination and plan that are made need to be implemented step by step, instead of making a plan with ambition today, and then implementing it tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, dragging on day by day, the result can only be a complete failure.

You said you want to get up early to run, yesterday morning, we got up at 6;10, went out at 6;15; today I got up at 5:50 to prepare breakfast, you got up at 6:10, and until 6:30 I urged you to go out, early running is to exercise, clear mind, you don't run, you don't run on the bridge, I run in front of an old man, actively forward, you run behind, I run back after running and walking a Lingtie Bridge, you stop in the middle of the bridge to play with your mobile phone.

Today is the second day of your plan, and I'm angry when I return - I don't do what I say or do to you!

You ask me if I'm going to give up on you, and I'll be honest: if I could, I would have given up a long time ago! I'm tired! I feel like I'm going to break down, I've never had such a hard time. It's just that no matter how hard I try, I can't make you improve and take responsibility.

However, if I give up on you, who else in this world will work so hard and hard for you?

However, no matter how hard I try, it seems to be useless, if you give up on yourself, what I do is useless, if you don't give up on yourself, what I do for you is valuable and meaningful.

I didn't have to work so hard when I didn't have enough food and clothes, I can control my future, I can go hungry and try my best to study, others have the money to buy candles and stay up late to study, I don't have money to get up an hour earlier than others to study by getting up in the morning daylight. My mouth was so festering because of malnutrition that my lip frenulum was rotten, I couldn't speak, I couldn't eat, I bought a bottle of ulcers for two cents, and sprayed them loosely, but I still didn't delay my studies. I have one ambition: I want to live better than what I see in front of me!

If a person has ambition, everything is not difficult, and if a person is spineless, everywhere is thorns. There are always excuses, and there is always no shortage of reasons.

Your father's sudden death, my sky fell, I went from a little woman who didn't ask about the world step by step to today, I raised you alone, I didn't make my life a mess, in the first two years of tearing every day, I didn't forget to enlighten you, give you psychological counseling, you can grow up healthy and sunny after losing your dear father, isn't it with me to hold up this piece of sky, not let you withstand the wind and rain? I can't show jokes to others, I can't let my dearest parents worry, I can't let my young child bear the hurt she can't bear, and I cried and had to live with my spine up—I was not convinced, I was unwilling. That's something I can do on my own.

I always thought that with your pure heart and my wholehearted care, you would have the ability to feel love and give back love, instead of choosing to be an indifferent and selfish person, turning a blind eye to the efforts of your mother, and even being dissatisfied and hostile, but you can't understand her intentions and difficulties, and if you don't take your future seriously and don't work hard for it, then my education is a failure, and my life is also a failure.

People say that a poor family is a filial son, I don't know if my hard work and hardships are worth it?

From today on, I will only do what I can, I will no longer be reckless and difficult for myself, I can provide you with the conditions to do what you can, and your future road will go by yourself.

People are inert, and no one who wants to make a difference will be defeated by laziness, and those who are defeated are cowards.

Everyone's life is hard, and no one can make a difference and have their own world without relying on their own hard work. There will never be a pie in the sky!

I wrote you this long letter with you as an adult, and I hope it will awaken your heart, conscience, fighting spirit, and responsibility.

I'm not perfect, I don't do well enough, I hope you can empathize, understand, what I'm doing now is the best I can do, if you put yourself in my position to think, maybe you will understand a little bit of my difficulty.

The road is always to go by yourself, you are you, I am me, I am responsible for your growth, but I am not you, I can't replace you, your future is your own, you don't have to choose your own attitude in order to repay me or make me suffer, you have to live for yourself!

Mom

2017.7.12