Today, yesterday, to be exact, I didn't write a word.

Can't write it.

Some things really can't figure it out.

In fact, I am an extremely rational person, joy, anger, sorrow, greed, hatred, and obsession, all seven emotions have reached their peak, and I am also extremely calm in my heart, and my analysis and judgment do not affect what I say or do. No one can see my emotions if I don't want to.

Paradoxically, however, I am at the same time an extremely emotional person, I know what I should and should not do, I know the consequences of this and that, but I don't want to control it. Although the fact is that there are very few emotions that can influence my behavior.

Parents, children, wives, friends.

In the past ten years, my parents have been far away, my children are not around, my wife is gone, and the only things that can affect me are friends and words.

I am afraid because I cherish it.

I value my family as a treasure. I value my friends as treasures.

However, the truth is always cruel.

Again and again, I stopped making friends, I stopped participating in social activities, I no longer liked to interact with people outside of working hours, I stayed at home and became my own, and I relied on everything in words.

I was inexplicably blocked last year, and I was sad for a long time, but I still have confidence and fighting spirit. This year's results have just gotten a little better, and I've been screened for nearly thirty chapters, and I've changed it over and over again, and I've changed it six or seven times in half a month, and I've released half of it, and now I don't know how to get it at all, in my heart. Everything that should be deleted has been deleted, everything that should have been changed has been changed, and then it still doesn't, I'm devastated.

The point is that this thing is a subjective thing, there is no standard, and no one knows what standard. Everyone wrote the same content, your senior official is considered a violation, his prime minister is fine, your radio and television is fine, his Cultural Bureau is bad, who can say it clearly?

This state of mind made me panic when I turned on the computer, my head was dry and mixed, and I couldn't write what I wanted to write.

Depressed? Yes.

Angry? Yes.

Disappointed? Yes.

Man's greatest enemy is loneliness, and the greatest ability of loneliness is to make your heart sensitive and fragile.

Maybe it's because I've been lonely for too long.

In fact, everyone can see that things like urban rebirth are not what I'm good at, and this book was scolded all the way in the 70s, and it was a little better later. There are reasons why I can't write this and that, and there are reasons why I'm not good at it.

The original big steel of the book was unusable, then unusable, and then ......

It's a lot better in 20 years, there are fewer people who scold, but fewer people watch. But to be honest, it's much easier to write about reality than to write about rebirth, it's just that my original intention was to use stories to tell the society and stories of that era, and to conclude the conclusion, this can't be written, that can't be written.

Some old book friends know that I originally wrote about officialdom, officialdom, military, and history. Three kills in a row, I don't dare to touch it now. There is no way to write officialdom and military now, and history, the Han, Tang and Ming dynasties are multiplied, and I don't want to go to Dongshi to follow suit, because it is inevitable that there will be too many similarities.

It's really hurtful for a book to be screened, because you don't know why you've worked so hard to write something to be screened, and you don't know what kind of standard those reviewers use.

Today, I watched the military parade from 49 to the present from the beginning, and the little rabbit who planted flowers looked at it for more than half of it, and cried happily, you may not believe it, crying for nearly ten hours, intermittently.

I love this country, I love this nation, I love the five-star red flag, I hope she is good.

But why

Is it that hard?

I can't figure it out, I can't figure it out. It's uncomfortable in my heart.