"If I hadn't met you, where would I be, how my life was, and whether I should cherish my life......"

……

The night breeze was slightly cold, Li Yuan leaned sideways on the roof guardrail of Jincai Building, silently watching the lights and traffic of thousands of homes, and his drunken eyes were full of vicissitudes.

On the sidewalk across the building, a girl stood holding a guitar and playing and singing to herself.

The singing is very good, the skills are very good, and I should have studied it professionally, maybe I am a student of a music university.

The girl sang Teresa Teng's "I Only Care About You".

Today's young people listen to Teresa Teng, and even fewer can sing, and even fewer are as beautiful as girls singing.

It's a pity, it's just good.

It sounds good, but it doesn't sound good.

Li Yuan thought to himself, if this girl didn't experience a few painful wounds, she probably wouldn't be able to understand the heart-piercing pain in the lyrics.

He sincerely hopes that the other party will never understand.

……

Just now, his girlfriend who has been with him for three years proposed to break up, and Li Yuan agreed.

In fact, she just fulfilled her obligation to inform, Li Yuan knew that there would be such a day, because he couldn't give her the happiness she wanted, and he couldn't even say the vague promise.

Sixteen-year-old woman needs sweet talk rose chocolate phone porridge.

A twenty-six-year-old woman needs to have a house, a car and a deposit, her name must be written on the house, the car must be driven for her, and the savings must be used by her.

What a thirty-six-year-old woman needs, Li Yuan didn't know very well, but it was certainly not a silent gaze.

In these years, telling a woman, "Although I can't afford to buy a house, I am willing to accompany you to watch the sunset", this is not romance, it is a hooligan.

……

Li Yuan is thirty-six years old, and he is married early among his peers, and his children are about to enter high school, but he is still alone, which is really desolate to think about.

He lit a cigarette, and the inferior tobacco burned his heart hotly, but his heart was very cold.

He wasn't actually sad.

His heart has long been numb.

……

The phone rings.

Li Yuan saw that it was an unfamiliar number and chose to refuse to answer, but the phone soon rang again, and the stubborn ringtone made him feel the urge to throw the phone downstairs.

After hesitation, I still chose to connect.

"Hello, is it Li Yuan?"

The voice from the mobile phone has a softness that makes people take off their guard, Li Yuan guessed that it was nothing more than a call from loan management or housing sales, thinking that the competition in the industry was really fierce, and they were still working overtime at ten o'clock in the evening.

At other times, Li Yuan would probably tease her a few words, but now he was in no mood and politely refused: "No need, thank you." ”

"Hehe," the woman chuckled, "you still like to say strange things as you did when you were a child." ”

Li Yuan's fingers paused and asked, "Who are you?"

"Ah," the woman reacted and introduced herself: "I'm Xu Xiaowen, a former classmate, do you remember me?"

The figure of the girl in the depths of his memory gradually became clear, Li Yuan was stunned for a moment, and said, "Oh, it's you." ”

"You can't remember me, do you?" asked Xu Xiaowen.

"How come, class leader, no one can forget you. ”

Li Yuan tried his best to make his voice appear calm, but his heart lake rippled, how could he easily forget the crush of his youth?

Li Yuan recalled the bits and pieces of the middle school at first, when he was timid and shy, although he had a crush on each other, he did not take the initiative to say a few words to her, and later went to high school in a different place, and his life never intersected again.

Two years ago, at the reunion of old classmates, I heard people talk about her, and it is said that she is living well in the United States.

Thinking like this, Li Yuan couldn't help but ask, "Aren't you in the United States?"

"I just returned to China some time ago. ”

"Visiting relatives or?"

"I'm divorced. ”

"Uh......"

Li Yuan didn't know how to take it for a while, the two were already familiar strangers, and they really couldn't get to the bottom of it.

"Wonder why I called you?"

"Hmm. ”

"Some time ago, I was packing up at home, and I found the love letter you wrote to me, and I suddenly felt a little nostalgic. ”

Realizing that the topic was a little sudden, Xu Xiaowen chuckled lightly and said, "Why did you say you were so careless that you even forgot to write your name." ”

Li Yuan rubbed his nose.

At that time, he was shy, and he didn't dare to look directly into each other's eyes when he had a crush on each other, so he wrote a love letter on impulse, how dare he sign it?

Curiosity finally overcame embarrassment, and Li Yuan asked, "How do you know it's me?"

"Girls are very sensitive. ”

Xu Xiaowen said with a smile: "I can see you every day when I go to school, and it's the same after school, and I always stare at people behind my back, I can't guess it, unless I'm a fool......

"Is it so obvious?" was ridiculed by Xu Xiaowen like this, Li Yuan was even more embarrassed, but he didn't expect that the secret that had been hidden in his heart for many years would be seen through early on.

"It's a pity, I didn't talk much at that time, and I thought later, if you took the initiative to talk to me......

Xu Xiaowen stopped halfway through her words.

Li Yuan's ghost envoy asked, "What will you do?"

"I don't know. ”

"Hehe, too. ”

……

The topic fell into a dead end, and after a while, Xu Xiaowen broke the silence first: "How are you doing now?"

"Not very good. ”

"Married?"

"Nope. ”

"Don't be too demanding. ”

"How dare I ask for anything. Li Yuan said calmly: "No house, no car, no deposit, the most important thing is that I have no ability." I'm getting older, what girl can look up to me?"

"No, I remember you were very good at studying. ”

"It's just clever. Li Yuan sighed: "When I was in high school, my mind was not on studying, I abandoned my studies, and finally reluctantly went to college. I knew that it was better to go to work at the beginning, and I could make my parents live better. ”

"How are your parents doing?"

“……”

Li Yuan was silent for a while, and said: "My dad jumped off the building the year before last, my mother has been in poor health, and she just left ...... a while ago."

"I'm sorry......" Xu Xiaowen organized her language and said softly: "I heard someone say that I saw you in Yingzhou a few days ago...... I don't know if that's the case, don't be too upset, just talk if you need help. ”

"Thank you. Li Yuan changed his left hand to hold the mobile phone, tilted his neck and said while taking out a cigarette: "Everything that needs to be done is done." ”

"If you're in a bad mood, why don't you go out and sit?"

"I'm not in Yingzhou now, and when the matter is done, there is nothing to be nostalgic about. ”

Li Yuan lit a cigarette, took a puff, and said, "If you are not afraid of trouble, I just have something I want to trouble you." ”

"What's the matter?"

"I want to sell my house, but I can't go back for the time being, so I want you to help me deal with it. I sent out the power of attorney and the key to the certificate in the afternoon, and I also said hello to the neighborhood committee, saying that someone was going to pick it up. I was still worried about who to ask for, but you just called. ”

"Sell the house...... Xu Xiaowen hesitated, thought for a while, and asked, "How much do you want to sell?"

"Whatever. ”

"How can this kind of thing be casual?" Xu Xiaowen guessed: "You are in a hurry for money?"

"There's no hurry. Li Yuan said: "You look at the sale, it doesn't matter how much, the time is not in a hurry, if you don't have a place to live, you can live first." ”

"It doesn't matter what you do, if I were your wife, I would have to be by you. ”

"Good thing you're not my wife. Li Yuan flicked the burned cigarette butt away and said, "I'm just a bastard." Selfish and cold-blooded, and often does things without thinking, it will be miserable if you really marry me. ”

"It's not as exaggerated as you say. ”

"I'm serious. I've done a lot of wrong things over the years...... You know what? My dad was by me. My mom is also tired for me...... Alas, it's too late to say anything. ”

……

After a long while, Xu Xiaowen sighed, "Do you want to hear my story?"

"You say. ”

"Before I say that, I want to ask you, what do you think of me?"

"You say impression," Li Yuan thought for a while and said: "Very beautiful girl, good at studying, versatile, but sometimes too serious." ”

"Huh. Xu Xiaowen smiled and asked lonely: "Then have you ever thought that a serious girl in your eyes has become an indecent woman when she grows up?" Without giving Li Yuan a chance to speak, she continued: "You said that I am beautiful, and I agree with this," she chuckled, "Since I was in junior high school, all the love letters I received have become disasters, and you are not the first, nor the last." ”

"Hmm. ”

"When I was in junior high school, my family was very strict, and my mind was also focused on studying...... I studied in high school, the school engaged in closed education, I have been living in school, I am under a lot of pressure, and there are many people who pursue me, I didn't plan to fall in love at first, but then my grades began to decline, and I couldn't accept it...... There was a boy who insisted on writing me love letters, and occasionally gave me small gifts, but I was slowly moved and agreed to him. ”

"Hmm. ”

"Later, I was admitted to university, but he didn't. He was in pain, and I saw him like that, and he was in pain, and I gave myself to him in a daze. ”

Li Yuan didn't speak, knowing what Xu Xiaowen was referring to.

"When I went to college, my horizons were broadened, and I faced more temptations, and many people chased me, but I refused. ”

There was a dinging sound on the phone, which was characteristic of the ZIPPO lighter.

After a few seconds, Xu Xiaowen's voice sounded again: "I cherish my first love." Girls, they always care about the first time. I thought at the time, when he repeats his studies for a year, we can be together again...... He was still in that high school, the school was strictly controlled, there were few opportunities to leave the school, there was no phone in the school, so he rarely contacted me, and he called three times in a semester, probably. ”

"So it's divided?" asked Li Yuan.

"Listen to me. ”

Xu Xiaowen recalled: "That year's New Year's Day, it happened to be connected with the weekend, and there was a three-day holiday, so I wanted to go back to see him. As a result, guess what I saw in his dorm?"

"Another woman?"

"That's right, but she's still a girl. ”

Xu Xiaowen bit the "girl" very hard.

"The girl had just entered her first year of high school, and nothing happened between them, at most they were hugging and hugging, and she knew that he had a girlfriend, so she ran away crying. He also knelt down and begged me, saying that he was under too much pressure and didn't want to betray me. ”

"And then?"

"I didn't forgive him, and when I proposed to break up, he turned his face. He scolded me for being a slut, and I was played by many men after I went to college, saying that I was calculating to break up with him, and threatening me to tell my parents about having a relationship. ”

"Scum. ”

"Yes, it's scum. Xu Xiaowen continued: "I said at the time, I don't care who you like to tell whom! ”

"I must have been sad at the time. ”

"yes, I'm sad, but I can't cry. I was thinking, why are you so arrogant when you split your legs? Why did you call me a slut when I gave you my most precious thing? Why didn't I be the one who ran away crying?"

"It's not worth it to be sad and sad for this kind of person. ”

"Later, when I went back to school, I felt better when I was busy, thinking that after a long time, it would pass...... He later called my dorm again, and I wasn't there, and another girl picked it up, and he told that girl everything, and it went viral. ”

Li Yuan clenched his fists tightly and asked, "What's his name?"

"I forgot about it for a long time. ”

Xu Xiaowen paused for a moment and said with a smile: "I really forgot." There are so many men I have slept with, and few can remember the names. Are you disappointed in me? If you don't want to hear it, just hang up. ”

"Say, I'll listen. ”

"Then I said it. ”

Xu Xiaowen lit another cigarette.

"Smoking less is not good for your health. ”

"What does it matter if it's good or not. ”

After a pause, as if brewing emotions, Xu Xiaowen slowly spoke.

"After the news got out, I was isolated by the girls around me, and I couldn't figure it out, and I wasn't the only one who did it, why did it target me?"

"They are jealous. ”

"Thank you. ”

Xu Xiaowen smiled: "It's strange to say, there are more boys chasing me." I was very naïve at first, thinking that I would always meet someone who really loved me, and as a result, once, twice, every man came after me, and men were fucking bastards!"

Xu Xiaowen burst into a foul mouth, a little emotional, and it took a while to calm down.

"I'm sorry, I'm not talking about you. ”

"Don't be sorry. Li Yuan smiled: "I admit it, I'm also a bastard." ”

"Hehe, where did I go?"

"Men are bastards. ”

"Don't make a fuss. Xu Xiaowen smiled and said: "It is said that beautiful women are troubled water, I think the word water should be removed." Pretty is a curse, because others only pay attention to your appearance and can't see your heart. ”

"In my four years of college, I talked to three boyfriends, one was a senior, one was a junior, and one was a teacher. When I talked about the third one, I realized that the man who called me a 'cheap bitch' was actually not wrong. Woman, without that membrane, it's worthless......"

Xu Xiaowen's self-deprecation makes people feel painful.

"When you understand, you no longer want to love or be loved. I slept with the teacher purely because he promised me that I could get a graduate school, but in the end he didn't help, it was an old man who helped me. ”

"Don't say it. Don't think about it, get some sleep—"

"No, listen to me!"

Xu Xiaowen's breathing became short, and Li Yuan suspected that she had drunk.

"When I was in graduate school, it was actually quite good, that old man was generous, and he usually didn't care much about me, but unfortunately he had economic problems, and he was taken away by the Commission for Discipline Inspection to explain the situation, and he also told me about it, not to say that everything he did was instigated by me, can I say that I don't know where his money came from?"

"It got a big deal, and my parents came to school and found out what I had done all those years. My dad is such a good-natured person, he hasn't even said anything serious before, and the first thing he did when he met was to slap me hard. He slapped me, I didn't cry, he cried, and he beat himself while crying......"

When Xu Xiaowen said this, she couldn't cry.

Li Yuan opened his mouth and did not say anything to comfort.

Sometimes it's better to cry out, but if you hold it in your heart, it will only hurt more and more.

He silently lit a cigarette, thinking about his father and mother, thinking about the bastard things he had done, and thinking that the tears of his parents were the hardest weight in the world after all.

……

Xu Xiaowen's crying eased and asked, "Are you still there?"

"Hmm. ”

"Then I'll go on. ”

"Say no more. ”

"I just want it. ”

Xu Xiaowen's tone seemed to be coquettish, and Li Yuan had to listen to her.

"Actually, there's not much more to say. Later, when the matter was found out, it turned out that it had nothing to do with me, and the school still expelled me. My parents asked me if I wanted to go home, and I said no, I didn't have the face to go back, so they left. Later, I worked, learned to protect myself, and was single for several years until I met my ex-husband. He was really nice to me, I told him about my past, he said he didn't care, proposed to me, and I said yes. ”

"I had an abortion and I never had children after marriage, and he always said it was okay, but I knew he liked children very much. Later, when he got started and got rich, he said let's go to the United States. I knew he was taking me to heal, and he still wanted a baby. ”

"Is it cured?"

"Nope. ”

"So he divorced you?"

"Nope. Xu Xiaowen said calmly: "I brought it up." ”

"Why?"

"Why do you think it is? Because you love him so much, you let him go, in order to fulfill others?"

Xu Xiaowen threw out a few answers, chuckled, and said: "I'm not that great, I will give my own happiness to others." ”

She paused a little and said, "Can't guess it? Actually, the reason is very simple, he has AIDS." ”

……

Li Yuan opened his mouth wide suddenly, and asked astringently, "Then ...... you?"

"I've never been a lucky woman. ”

Xu Xiaowen didn't answer positively, but the cruel answer was self-evident, Li Yuan forgot to think for a moment, felt that his head was blank, and after a while he came back to his senses, opened his mouth, wanted to say something, and didn't know where to start, tears fell.

As if hearing the sound of tears falling, Xu Xiaowen said softly: "You don't have to feel sorry for me, let alone cry, the bitter fruit is planted by myself, and I will naturally taste it myself." ”

She said to herself: "Before returning to China, the doctor told me that as long as I am willing to spend money, this disease can be maintained, and my ex-husband is willing to take responsibility, but I don't want to treat it." Do you know what I want to do most when I get my test results?"

"What do you want to do?" Li Yuan asked in a hoarse voice.

"Hehe, I want X love. ”

Xu Xiaowen's laughter was full of revenge: "So I'm back." The men who coveted me and touched me have found everything they can find, and they have done everything they can do. ”

……

"Happy!"

Li Yuan applauded loudly.

He suddenly didn't feel bad.

Yes, she's going to die.

Everyone will die, sooner or later.

Death is not the most terrible, the most terrible is the desperate life.

It is not so much that Xu Xiaowen is taking revenge on those men, but that she is taking revenge on the fate that humiliated her in this way.

While she completes revenge, she also completes self-redemption.

……

Li Yuan laughed out loud and asked with a smile, "Ahem, do you know what I want to do now?"

"Do what?"

"I want to love X too!" Li Yuan shouted loudly: "With you!"

"Neurotic!" Xu Xiaowen scolded with a smile, laughing with tears: "You are a neurotic! You don't have AIDS." ”

"I want to die with you. ”

"Neurotic!"

"It's a pity, it's too late. ”

Li Yuan looked regretful and muttered.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. ”

Li Yuan squeezed the phone hard, and there was no trace of blood in his pale arm.

He sent a text message to Xu Xiaowen and said, "The matter of the house will trouble you, I'm afraid you don't know my address, so I just sent it to you." ”

"What do you mean? What are you going to do?"

Xu Xiaowen asked nervously, she had never been so nervous, more nervous than when she was waiting for the test results, more nervous than when she was waiting for the admission letter, and more nervous than when she was lying under the man for the first time.

"Before answering your question, I would like to ask you a question. ”

"What's the problem?"

"I'm not the first, nor the last, why me?"

A sentence without a beginning or an end, Xu Xiaowen thought for a while before she understood.

He's talking about love letters, or in other words, he's asking why he's called "him."

"Probably because of what you wrote. ”

"What?"

"I like to watch you quietly. ”

That sounds weird now. ”

"Alright, hurry up and answer my question!"

"Ah, the same as you. Revenge. ”

"Revenge to whom?"

"To myself. ”

"No kidding!"

"I'm not kidding, really, you don't have to feel sorry for me, let alone shed tears, the bitter fruit is planted by myself, and it is up to me to taste it. ”

"I just said that. ”

"Really? I think it's cool to say. ”

……

"Li Yuan, are you still listening?"

"Hmm. ”

"Do you remember the party in the third year of junior high school?"

"Hmm. ”

"You sang a Cantonese song, but your classmates couldn't understand it, and the head teacher still rapped something, and he kicked you off the stage before you finished singing. ”

"Hmm. ”

"But you sing really well, can you sing a song for me?"

"Ah...... Good. ”

……

Li Yuan lay on the cold rooftop, opened his pale lips with difficulty, and sang softly: "If I meet you again, where will I be......"

"Wrong, if I didn't meet you. ”

"Oh......"

"Li Yuan, are you still listening?"

"Hmmm......"

"Do you like me?"

"Don't like ......"

"Li Yuan, wake up, wake up ......"

“……”

……

Tonight, some people sleep peacefully, some people lose sleep.

A woman with insomnia, crying silently on the phone.

She understood him—

He didn't like her, he loved her.