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That feeling until now, because by chance it will come back again. Detach yourself from your own feelings. Look at your own passage as someone else's thing.

After leaving the bar, Saku invited Sara to dinner again. Anything you can eat here, pizza is fine. Still no appetite, Sharo said. Then go to my house now, asked.

"I'm sorry, I'm not in that mood today. She was a little embarrassed, but she said it clearly.

"But because I said so many boring things?" asked.

She sighed softly. "It's not like that. It's just that I want to think a little bit more about a lot of things. So if you can, I want to go back today. ”

"Okay," Saku said. "It's nice to be able to meet you again like this, I should have told you something more interesting. ”

Sharo was silent for a moment. Then he said, as if he had made up his mind, "Well, can you ask me out again next time?" ”

"Of course. As long as you don't find it troublesome. ”

"I don't bother at all"

"Great. "Speak. "Will text you. ”

The two said goodbye at the entrance of the subway station. Sara took the escalator up the Yamanote Line, and he went down the stairs to take the Hibiya Line, and returned to their respective residences, each falling into thought.

Of course, there is no way to know what Sharo is thinking. What was he thinking, homework couldn't confess to Sharo. There is one type of thing that you can't tell anyone anyway. On the train home, Tazaki was thinking about this kind of thing.

In the nearly half year that he was on the verge of death, he lost seven kilograms of weight. I haven't eaten much of it, so of course it's true. Since childhood, it has been a rounded face, but now it has become completely thin and shriveled. It was not enough to shorten the waistline, the pants had to be changed to a small size. When naked, the ribs are all on the surface, and it looks like a cheap birdcage. The posture looks very poor, and the shoulders are sagging forward as if they are about to fall. After losing the flesh, the two feet are as delicate as the feet of a water bird. Wouldn't this be an old man's body? Standing in front of the full-length mirror for a long time, he looked at himself and felt so. Or rather, like someone who is about to die.

There is no way to look like someone who is about to die. He convinced himself in front of the mirror. In a sense, because I'm actually on the verge of death. It's like the shell of an insect sticking to a tree branch, and as long as a little stronger wind blows, it seems to be blown away forever and disappear, so desperately holding on to the world to survive. But this thing—the fact that he looked like a dying man—struck hard at the heart of the workman. He never got tired of staring at his naked body in the mirror. It's like seeing people on the TV news who can't take their eyes off the devastation of a remote area hit by a huge earthquake or a raging flood.

Maybe I'm dead. At that time, I felt as if I was touched by something. Last summer, when all four of them decided to exist for themselves, a boy named Tazaki Saku was actually dead. Although the shell of its own existence was managed to maintain easily, it was replaced by something else after half a year. The body shape and appearance have completely changed, and the perspective of seeing the outside world has also changed. The touch of the wind, the sound of the water, the light coming through the clouds, and the color of the flowers in the four seasons all feel different than before. Or rather, it's something completely new. Here, what is reflected in the mirror at first glance looks like Tazaki Saku, but it's not. The inside was replaced with something else.,It's just for convenience and to call it Tazaki Sakusa.。 For the time being, I will call it because there is nothing else to call it at the moment.

That night, I dreamed a wonderful dream. A dream mired in feverish jealousy. It's been a long time since a dream like this real.

To be honest, I have not been able to understand the emotion of jealousy so far. Of course, jealousy is all about, and there is still some concept in my head. For example, the emotions you feel when someone happens to have a talent, a talent, a talent, or a position that you can't get in any way, or who easily includes it (at least it seems easy). For example, the emotions you feel when you learn that the woman you are in love with belongs to another man. Envy, red-eyedness, unwillingness, frustration and anger that cannot be discharged.

But in fact, Saku has never experienced such emotions since he was born. Neither have I seriously aspired to talents or qualifications that I don't have, nor have I had a fanatical experience in love. I don't have any expectations for anyone, nor do I feel envious of anyone. Of course, I am not satisfied with everything about myself. It is impossible not to have shortcomings. If you want, you can also make a list. You can't make a long list, but you shouldn't be able to finish it in two or three lines. But those grievances and deficiencies, at most, he thought about it internally. It's not the type you have to run to find elsewhere for this. At least so far.

But, in that dream, he longed for a woman more than anything else. Who she is is unknown. She just exists and is. She also has a special ability to separate her body and mind. And she said unto him, One in body and in heart, let it be given unto thee. But there's no way to give you both. Because the other one is for someone else, so here I want you to make a choice. She said so. But what I want is everything this woman wants. Half of it was given to other men, and he couldn't do it. It was unbearable for him. In that case, he wanted to say, there would be no need for any of them. But I can't say it. It can neither move forward nor backward.

At that time, Sakura felt the fierce pain of his whole body being twisted by someone's huge hands. The muscles were torn apart, the bones were screaming, and all the cells in the body were drying up violently. The anger of having to give up half of her to someone else made my body tremble. That anger turned into a dense fluid, thickly drained from the depths of the marrow. The lungs become a pair of frantic bellows, and the heart is like an engine pressed to the bottom of the accelerator pedal, and the speed is fast. The swelling of dark blood is then transported to the ends of the body.

He woke up trembling all over. It took a while to realize that it was a dream. Take off your sweat-soaked pajamas and dry them with a towel. But no matter how you wipe it, the sticky touch on the body remains. He understood. Or rather, there was an intuition. It's jealousy of this thing. He wants to take the heart, body, and maybe both of the woman he loves from him.

Jealousy is - learned in dreams - the most desperate prison in the world. I say this because it is the prison in which the prisoners themselves put themselves. It's not that anyone is going to force him in jail. He went in by himself, locked it from the inside, and threw the key out of the iron lattice by himself. And in this world, there is not a single person who knows that she is claustrophobic there. Of course, because at that time he was in the prison of his heart, as long as he was determined to come out, he could get out of it. But he couldn't make up that determination. His heart had become as hard as a stone wall. That's the nature of jealousy.

Saku took out orange juice from the refrigerator, poured it into a cup and drank several glasses. My throat was dry and smoking. Then he sat down at the table and looked out the window until the day began to brighten, calming his body and mind that had been disturbed by the waves of emotion. He wondered what the dream meant. Is it some kind of prophecy? Is it a symbolic message? Is it trying to convey something to himself? He thinks, or maybe the real self that he doesn't know wants to break out of his shell. Perhaps, some ugly creature hatched out and desperately wanted to touch the air outside.

Although this was remembered later, it was at that moment that Tazaki Saku gave up and stopped seriously seeking death. He stared at his naked body reflected in the full-length mirror, confirming that it was him, but not himself. That night, for the first time in my life, I experienced jealousy (and the like) in my dreams. At dawn, the five months of darkness that opposed the nothingness of death were already behind him.

At that time, probably, the burning jealousy passed through his interior through the form of dreams, and counteracted with the heart of death that had stubbornly entangled him before, and it was completely eliminated. It was as if a strong west wind had blown away the thick clouds. This is speculation.

All that remains is a calm that almost seems to see through the world. It was a neutral emotion that lacked color and was calm. He sat alone in the old, large, vacant house, listening to the ethereal sound of the huge and ancient wall clock chronograph. His mouth was closed, and he just stared at the pointer as he went. Then something like a film wrapped his emotions in several layers, leaving a blank space in his heart, and he aged solidly for an hour.

Tazaki Saku gradually began to eat normally. Buy fresh ingredients and make simple dishes to eat. Even so, I didn't regain much of the weight I lost for a while. For nearly half a year, his stomach seemed to have contracted completely. As long as you eat more than a certain amount, you will vomit. In addition, I started to swim in the school pool very early in the morning. Because of the loss of muscle, he couldn't even breathe up the stairs, and he felt that even if it was just a little, he had to go back to his original state. I bought new swimming trunks and glasses and freestyle 1,000 to 1,500 meters a day. Then go to the gym and silently use the equipment for exercise.

After a few months of improved diet and regular exercise, Tasaki's life has returned to a healthy rhythm of the past. The necessary muscles had grown (albeit in a very different way), the spine had stretched, and the face had reappeared bloody. I woke up in the morning and had a powerful morning erection that I hadn't seen for a long time.

At that time, my mother rarely came to Tokyo alone. Maybe it's because his words and deeds have been a little abnormal recently, and he didn't come home in the first month, and his mother came to visit him because she was worried. The mother was speechless when she saw him, and after only a few months, her son's appearance had changed so much. Dansaku told her: "It's just because of the natural changes that people have grown up, and now all I need is a few sets of clothes that can adapt to my new body." The mother gladly accepted this explanation, thinking that this is probably the process that boys must go through to grow up. The mother grew up in a home with only sisters, and after getting married, she also got used to bringing her daughter. She didn't know how to raise a boy. So on the contrary, I was happy to go to the mall with my son and buy a whole set of new clothes for the work. I bought the two brands that my mother liked BrooksBrothers and Polo. Old clothes are either thrown away or donated. 1234567890

and his countenance has changed. If you look in the mirror, you can no longer reflect the face of the young man who looked fleshy, although relatively upright, but how mediocre and featureless. The one looking at him in the mirror was the face of a young man, and the lines of his cheeks were as sharp and cold as if they had been pressed by an iron. There was a new light in those eyes. It was a light that even he had never seen before, lonely and desireless, and only wanted to seek the end within a limited scope. His beard suddenly grew thicker, to the point where he had to shave every morning. Even the hair has grown longer than before.

I don't have a special liking for my new appearance. Neither disliked nor disgusted. That's just a mask, because it's easy to use to make do with it. But he still felt glad that his appearance was at least not the mediocre face he had before.

Anyway, the boy named Tazaki in the past is dead. His heart stopped beating as if he had disappeared into the barren darkness, and he was buried in a small flat area in the forest. Just before the dawn when people were still sleeping, quietly and secretly. Not even a tombstone. Standing here now, breathing, is the brand-new "Tazaki Saku" which has been replaced inside. But there is no one but himself who knows the mystery. He himself didn't want to tell anyone the truth.

Tazaki Saku still walks around to see the stations everywhere, sketches the inside of the stations, and attends university classes without pulling a lesson. Wash your hair in the shower in the morning, and always brush your teeth after eating. Every morning, I fold the quilt and iron my shirt by myself. He tried to keep himself as idle as possible. I read about two hours of books in the evening, mostly history books or biographies. Such a habit was formed a long time ago. According to the habit, life can go on. But he no longer believed in the perfect community, nor did he feel the warmth of chemistry.

Every day, he sat in front of the bathroom mirror and looked at his face for a while. Then, little by little, you become familiar with the new (replaced) self as your being. It's like learning a new language and memorizing a new grammar.

Soon after, Saku made a new friend. It was almost a year after being abandoned by four friends in Nagoya, and it took place in June. The target audience is students who are two levels smaller than the same university. I met the man in the university swimming pool.

I met the man in the university swimming pool.

Like Saku, he comes to the pool every morning to swim alone. The two of them naturally became familiar with each other, and they would chat briefly. Sometimes I change my clothes in the locker room after swimming, and we will go to the cafeteria for a simple breakfast. He is two levels younger than Tazaki and belongs to the Department of Physics. Although they are students of the same engineering university, the Faculty of Physics and the Faculty of Civil Engineering are almost two different races.

"What exactly does the Department of Civil Engineering do?" asked.

"The one who built the station (eki). ”

“eki？”

"The station of the train. The liquid which is not liquid (the pronunciation is eki, too). ”

"Then why is it a train station?"

"Because people in the world need stations. He replied as if it were a matter of course.

"It's so much fun. The other party seemed to be really funny. "I've never thought of such a thing as a station. ”

"But you'll also use the station. If you don't have a station, you can't take the train. ”

"Of course it will be used, it is true that there is no station.......... but I never thought that there really existed in the world, and there were so many people who poured so much passion into the construction of stations."

"In this world, there are people who write string quartets, and there are people who grow lettuce and tomatoes. There are still a few people in the world who need to build stations. He said. "And I'm not so enthusiastic as to have a limited interest in them. ”

It may be rude to say this, but if you find an interest in life that you can focus on, isn't it already a great achievement? ”

Thinking about whether he was being ridiculed, he looked directly at the classmate who was younger than him. But it seems that he really thinks so. His expression was unclouded and straightforward.

"I like to make things. Same as the name. ”

"I've always liked to make physical things. Tazaki agreed.

"I'm different. I don't know if it's born or what, so I'm not good at making things. When I was a primary school student, I couldn't do a simple handiwork, and I couldn't even build a plastic model. Although I like to think about abstract things with my head, I never get tired of thinking about it for a long time. But if you actually start to make real things, you just can't do it. I love cooking, but it's also because of this thing that I don't have a concrete shape from the beginning......... But I'm really uneasy when someone like me, who is not good at making things, entered an engineering university. ”

"What exactly do you want to study in college?"

He thought about it a little more seriously. "I don't know. Unlike Saku, I don't have the same clear goal as I just wanted to do. Anyway, I want to think as deeply as I can. It's just so pure, so simple to keep thinking about it. That's it. But when you think about pure thinking, it's like creating something like a vacuum. ”

"There are people in this world who need to create a vacuum. ”

When he said this, the other party smiled as if he was very happy. "It's just that it's not like growing tomatoes and vegetables, and if people in the world start desperately trying to create a vacuum, it's going to be a bit of a problem. ”

"I remember someone once said that the mind is like a beard, and it is impossible to grow without maturity. I don't remember who said it. ”

It was Voltaire who said it. The young man said. Then he touched his chin with his hand and smiled. His smile was so bright and innocent. But that may not be true. Because I barely grew a beard when I was a child, I liked to think about things. ”

Indeed, his cheeks were smooth and smooth, and there was no trace of a beard. His eyebrows are thin and thick, and his ears are in the shape of beautiful shells, and the outline is clear.

Voltaire probably meant not to think, but to introspect. He said.

The other party tilted his head slightly. "Only when you are in pain will you know how to introspect. It has nothing to do with age, let alone beard. ”

His name is Ashida. Fumisho Ashida. Until his name, he thought, "Another man of color." ”mr.grey。 Mr. Ash. Although gray is a conservative color.

Although neither of them is a good social person, after meeting and talking several times, they naturally have a cordial impression of each other and take off that vigilance. Swim together after meeting at the same time every morning. Both swim a considerable distance in freestyle, but Ash Field swims a little faster. Because I have taken swimming lessons since I was a child, I have learned to swim beautifully without wasting extra energy. The shoulder blades glide against the surface of the water, and the movements are graceful like the wings of a butterfly. Ashita helped to slightly correct his swimming style and consciously exercise his muscles, and then he was able to keep up with Ashida's speed. At first, their conversation focused on swimming techniques. After that, the conversation gradually covered a wider scope.

Ashida is a small, handsome young man. The face is small and the facial features are delicate, like the statues of the ancient Greeks. But his appearance is more classical, intelligent and humble. It's not such a gorgeous and eye-catching beautiful boy, and after seeing it a few times, his dignified handsomeness will naturally stand out.

His hair was short, slightly curly, and he had been casually wearing the same chinopants and similar pale shirts. But no matter how simple everyday clothes are, he always has the ability to wear them that are pleasing to the eye. He likes to read, but not much like he works. I like philosophical and classical books. He also likes comedy, reading ancient Greek tragedies and Shakespeare. I also know a lot about Noh and Bunraku. Because he is from Akita, his skin is very white and his fingers are slender. (To be continued.) )