Hear please answer2015-11-2922:45Read(4402)

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I just suddenly remembered Zhou Chuanxiong's song "Please Answer When I Hear It", and the first time I heard this song was when I just graduated from college, I left my familiar roommate and came to Shanghai alone. Pen & Fun & Pavilion www.biquge.info at that time, I had just started to write my first contracted novel, in a dilapidated rental house, although no one read it, but I wrote it very energetically, and listened to the song while coding the words.

When he was in college, Zhang Hang liked to play DOTA while playing songs, and after graduating for so many years, he forgot many songs, and when he heard these long-ago melodies again, it seemed that he was still in college yesterday. He called me a few days earlier, I was reading in the library, and he said that he had returned to his hometown from Changsha, quit his job, found a girlfriend, and was going to get married next year. In the past, he also played heartlessly, but in the past few years after graduation, he has smoothed him out, and he is going to get married and settle down. I'm almost 26 years old, but I still haven't lived the good life I once imagined, when I was young, I always thought that I was extraordinary, and when I was in my twenties, I would definitely become famous, there was endless money, there were the most beautiful women, I could travel anywhere in the world, I never doubted it, as if the future had been arranged like this, and I just had to wait for time to pass naturally to that moment. But I later realized that the most cruel thing in the world is time, which silently changes all people and things in the world, making people unconscious, and when you realize it, you find that many things have changed, and there is no going back.

I've finished writing another chapter today, and I'm going to land on the starting point and release it, this book is basically dead now, and it's rare to write a chapter in a week. How lively it used to be here, there were countless people waiting for updates every day, and there was the motivation to sprint hard every day, but everything changed after getting sick, and it hasn't been updated much for more than a year, and it's long since people left. Occasionally, I can see a message from a reader, and it's like a traveler in a desolate desert who is still waiting for my update. Whenever I see such readers, I feel very guilty that it is my own lack of courage that has led to the current situation.

Maybe it's a test that God has given me, and only after enough setbacks can I go far enough and climb a high enough mountain. A lot of things happened this year, and the girls I pursued when I was a student got married, and they were the things that were on my mind when I was a teenager, the source of joy and sorrow, and the words I typed down late at night. But as time passed, they eventually drifted farther and farther away, slowly stepping into other people's stories, having children, and living their respective lives. I was like an outcast, left behind me in the desolate wilderness behind me, shouting but getting no response. I've always been nostalgic for the time, like they were all there, like everything could start over, but it was no longer there.

The more people grow up, the less they want to talk, when I was in college, I would write a diary every day, and my thoughts flowed, but now it is rare to write a last article in half a year, I don't know how to write, I don't know what to say. In September, I attended the starting class for the second time, and I took classes with new authors from all over the country, and they were just like me back then, full of expectations for the future, although few people read the novel, but everyone worked hard for it. I was like an old man in the twilight, looking at these latecomers with vicissitudes, in fact, I had attended the same training in the same hotel a few years ago, when my editors were still a different group of people, where are the people who took the class with me now? Are they still writing? Have they changed their careers to do something else? Or have they suffered an accident in their lives, and this world no longer exists? Anything can happen, the world is changing all the time, you can't stop it, any accident can come. I never imagined that I would suddenly suffer from this illness at a time when I was forging ahead with my book, as I was striding on the long-awaited path to success, and watched the huge readership that surrounded me quickly depart, leaving me to clean up the desolate mess. Those authors who participated in the training, perhaps not many people knew that the thin boy who sat in the back row and said nothing should actually go to compete with their rookie authors for precious training places, he should have passed the stage of rookie authors a long time ago, and had already written some achievements, but in the end he went there again.

That is, when I returned to the hotel after class that day, Yun, who I had chased the longest in high school, sent me a WeChat message that she was getting married. She said that she missed me very much, and she said that when she passed by the bubble tea shop that day, she heard Jay Chou's "Sunny Day" playing, and suddenly remembered me, because many years ago, when we were just in the same class, I taught this song in the class. She said that at that time she thought I was like a prince, but at that time I didn't know that by the time I liked her, there was no chance. In fact, the opportunity has always been there, but it is becoming more and more difficult to make that choice, after graduating from college, she has not found a boyfriend, as long as I go back, I can be with her, but I have never gone back, staying in the lonely and prosperous city of Shanghai. But I didn't make any achievements here, I didn't do anything, I didn't achieve anything, and I fought out a disease.

That night, I stayed up all night in that strange hotel, thinking of my novels, of the girls I had chased, of my illness, of the impermanence of life...... It was the first time I stayed up until 3 a.m. after I got sick, sitting in front of the hotel computer, trying to write down my thoughts, but in the end I didn't finish it, I gave up halfway, and it seemed that my heart was numb, and I couldn't write even if I had violent emotions.

I have experienced too few setbacks, in fact, looking back on these years, life has been smooth sailing, those self-righteous tribulations are actually not tribulations at all, my heart is too tender, a little blow to make this half-dead look. In the first half of the year, I was in an indescribable despair every day, searching for those folk prescriptions over and over again, searching for all possible treatments, but I was not a medical person, I couldn't read the professional clinical reports, I couldn't tell which of the thousands of various folk prescriptions were true and which were fake, I couldn't contact those folk doctors, and no one replied to the emails sent. There is no one around me to tell me, I don't have any friends in Shanghai, all my friends are far away, maybe I will never see each other again in my life, and I can't remember the last time I contacted them, which day and what moment it was, and I didn't say goodbye properly. At that time, I didn't have the heart to write the novel at all, but there were countless people waiting, and every day I was anxious about the results of the novel, listening to the urging of countless readers, and write it quickly! What the hell are you doing? I am so disappointed! Didn't you, the eunuch author, say that you would definitely finish it? Why didn't you write it? I never read your book again, and you never wrote a complete book...... At that time, I forced myself to sit in front of the computer, but my mind was not on the novel, I really couldn't write, my mind was in chaos, life had completely changed, I didn't know what I was doing every day, like a walking corpse, I couldn't hold back a few words until the early hours of the morning, but I couldn't stay up late, so I had to climb into bed unwillingly, but I couldn't sleep, I lost sleep all night, suddenly woke up in the haze, and finally indulged in those online games, playing day and night, making myself gradually numb, temporarily forgetting the pain of life, wasting time, and giving up on myself。

The more desperate a person's life is, the more I will miss the carefree times, those beautiful little sorrows at school, now it seems so beautiful, at that time, I would actually be sad all day because of such a trivial matter as Yun talking to other boys, and I would actually skip the evening self-study because she ignored herself, climb the water tower of the dormitory building, and listen to sad songs overlooking the small city that flashes neon. And now, many years later, after I received the news that she was about to get married, I couldn't even write a diary, I always thought I hadn't changed, but in fact I had changed too much.

I don't know why I opened my diary tonight, and I didn't know what I wrote in one fell swoop. This year is almost December, and it seems that the year has been wasted. Now I can look down on a lot of things, I don't know if this is maturity or numbness, I can indifferently watch those people in my life gradually fade away, I can face the ignorance of those who quickly recognize and quickly forget about myself, I can calmly accept myself with nothing, I can sadly face the girls I once liked to get married and have children one by one, and after a few days I will return to a calm heart. Life is like this, no matter how unwilling you are, you always have to face it, those dreams of yours may be realized by others, and you can only watch and watch yourself become a mediocre member, and countless people will go down to mediocrity like this.

But, but I'm still unwilling, I still don't want to give in, I don't want to obey this fate, I still have to struggle, as long as I still have a breath, I have to resist, I still have to write, I still have to pursue when I meet the girl I like, even if I can't chase it, even if I am despised by them, even if I am deceived by them, even if I am scarred, I still have to move forward, even if it is a dark night ahead, even if it is a long winter ahead, I still have to crawl over. I can't die here, I must crawl through this desolate wilderness, I must reach the beautiful distance I longed for when I was young, to catch up with those who are far away.

Are you still there, O those who are far away, and please answer when you hear it, and don't be afraid of it......