No. 013: The most bitter mood

On August 31, 1985, the day before the start of the new school year, I said: "I didn't touch my textbook for five or six days, and I didn't write down. I was so busy with my life, I was close to going to school, I had fewer and fewer days to work all day, and the farm work arranged by my father was getting tighter and tighter, so there was a little bit like I was going to take the university entrance examination? Five times, I was so angry that I didn't lose my reason, I hadn't been driven to madness, and I knew that for my brother to finally see me, I couldn't cripple my body anymore, and I shouldn't strike and destroy tools, and I couldn't get angry! This is the most bitter feeling, and I really can't describe it. Today, I tied up the frame and the lattice with my father, and went up to the roof before dawn. It was just after midnight to write these strokes. Tomorrow I was going to school, and I felt that my father was so clever that he had filled my fifty days of summer vacation so that my words could only live in my inner world, almost completely cut off from textbooks and studies—fifty days was tantamount to thinking behind closed doors. ”

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Two days ago, Yuan Shijin went down to Shiqiao Middle School again and stopped talking about the matter in Jianzhong.

We found scratches on his cheeks and the back of his hands, which he said were hanging, but no one believed them. We are related, but we don't have family affection in our hearts.

Previously, Shi Shangjiang said that Yuan Shijin went to Hefeng Middle School again.

I have a lot of negative elements for him, not only because I can't get used to his usual behavior, but also because I feel sorry for his family.

I'm not used to people who don't like to work.

His expenses for a year are at least four or five hundred yuan, plus thousands of eggs. His family was not rich, and the only good hand was his father. He couldn't really understand his father's hardships, and he could only appreciate the hardships of labor by doing it himself.

I saw with my own eyes that his father picked up two whole packets of urea fat from the street ten miles away, and was unwilling to spend a little money on a ride, which was a burden of more than 200 catties.

It was still July, the hottest day, and he bought it back to apply peach fertilizer to the cotton, which was very crucial. As long as Yuan Shijin eats a few eggs, it will be enough for him to take a ride. I wonder if he could have imagined that for every bowl of eggs he gets, his father sweats more than he drinks egg soup?

In my very young memory, I have seen the impression of his father with a long beard and few words, working silently. And Yuan Shijin also knows how to enjoy his father's shadow at a young age, and he is not considerate of understanding the hardships of his father's generation.

I just want to consume it, I don't want to create a zào, I take the hard work of my parents as a matter of course, and I don't have the fighting spirit when I am in my twenties! Who is to blame? The "little God of Wealth" in the minds of the family is a "God of Wealth" who is not old and does not grow up, and I don't know how painful it will be because of the hard work of my parents.

At home, I struggle to eat an average egg a year, and the only chance is on my birthday, and if I miss it, I don't have to count on it for a year. So my eggs eat very slowly, little by little, and sometimes I have to eat them all day.

In the past few years, my family has been very wealthy, and my family still controls my use very tightly, and I still can't eat a few eggs a year. I'm used to it, and I'm content as long as I can eat enough.

It suddenly occurred to me that Yuan Shijin and I were at each extreme. He can't understand his parents' painstaking efforts, but what about me?

From a note dated September 9, 1985