"Don't hold back your heart, say it, I'll think of a way for you. I asked Natsu.

"I don't have an answer to the question I want, and it's useless to say it. ”

"Tell me. ”

"It's just that I feel uncomfortable, thinking about how I'm going to die in the future. ”

"You're young, thinking about what you're doing. ”

"Tonight, I looked at Grandpa Bai and suddenly saw that I would die like this in the future. Dead like a dog, it is gone with a creak. ”

In the middle of the night, Xia's 'rattle' made my back chills.

Xia told me that Grandpa Bai was sick, and said in the alley that he had any diseases, and Xia didn't know, Xia said, "When I was young, I went back to the New Year, and I was poor for a while, and I ate meat dumplings for the New Year, and I ate meat dumplings twice a year on June 6 and the New Year, and it was snowing, and Grandpa Bai saw that I couldn't make dumplings alone, and brought me a plate of half-meat and half-vegetarian dumplings to eat, and put a big meat oil, thief fragrance, I accidentally ate the meat to the jacket when I ate, and I could ask about the fragrance of the oil every time I smelled it." Xia choked up a little when he spoke, swallowed a few times of saliva, and continued.

"I knew he was going to die, I knew it a long time ago, he lived alone when he was sick, he was rancid, I said take it off for him, he waved his hand vigorously, he said he was thirsty, I brought him water, took a straw and drank three bottles, I was afraid that he would go to the toilet, I waited for him, and finally you know what?" Natsu's voice has been in control, controlling his emotions.

"I asked him if he wanted to go to the toilet? He said he didn't have to go, I said, your son doesn't have to come in the afternoon, you pee on the diaper, I'll take it for you, and as a result, he said he has a way, he doesn't have to go to the toilet. ”

Xia couldn't go on, the emotions she tried to control were about to drown him, "He took a bottle and put it on his bladder, and it was there all the time, I got angry, I took it down, and said, just use diapers, why do you toss yourself so much, I went to school the next day, he definitely still uses the old way to take pee, and his diapers are still in the house, and they don't need to be thrown away as garbage." I was upset not by what he urinated on, but by the fact that he waved his hand from there and told me with a grin that he had a solution. ”

Xia choked up, and after a long time, she popped out faintly, "Brother, do you know what I was thinking just now?" I thought about it, I will never live to death, I will die too miserably, and when I am old and have my first serious illness, I will die, die instantly, absolutely not tortured, not at all." "Xia said very decisively, it scared me, what was this sunny and cheerful child thinking?

"Hey, what are you doing so far away at such a young age?"

"I think about it every day, I think about it. ”

"Don't think about it, I haven't thought about these things about you, it's too far. ”

"Of course you don't have to think about it, you have money, a house, a car, everything, you can live if you don't understand, if you don't understand, you have to die, you know?"

"It's not that serious, let me tell you about your future, you will be admitted to a great university, have a shining job, a handsome husband, a filial child, and a peaceful old age, you will live very well. "I imagined her future for Xia, but Xia was not moved at all.

"I've seen marriage, I'm not going to get married, I'm not going to have children, I'm not going to live well. Xia's words were very quiet, he didn't pass through the dantian at all, but the air in his mouth vibrated gently, and he didn't even move the corners of his mouth, and he jumped out.

"How could it be. "I really want to say more, but I just can't say it, Xia's words seem to be soft, but they definitely have been thinking about it for a long time.

"Do you know? I remember when I was a child, I read an article called "A Place of Chicken Feathers", all the comments said that this book is really well written, and it talks about life thoroughly, but when I see it, I think it's really good, the man is a person in the agency, and the woman is too, and he has no worries about food and clothing all his life, do you know the people who live with us? When I was a child, I lived in someone's hut, every day when I got up, I was woken up by the sound of quarrels, the quarrel was inextricable, the eighteen generations of ancestors scolded all over again, all of them were trivial things, now, I sometimes speak, are unconsciously scolding, change should not come back, that is, when I was a child, they scolded in the house, scolded me upset, and also followed those words. ”

Yes, Xia does often swear words, but some of her swear words I haven't heard, they don't match my language system, and I can't decipher them at all, I just feel vigorous and powerful, Xia is sometimes happy, and the words she says are also mixed with the tone words of this sexual organ.

"I tried to correct it, and every time I finished speaking, I regretted it, and I swore in my heart that I would pay attention next time, but I wouldn't be able to pay attention at all next time. They also steal from each other, some of those men are still supported by women, and women are supported by other men, and once, a man came to me, and I cut it out with a knife, and the woman still dragged my hair, saying that I seduced people and dropped my only MP3. ”

Xia really thought about it a lot, and I said a few words to lead to Xia's endless words, and I sat and listened, feeling a pain in my heart.

"I think it's good that I'm alive alone, not harming others and not being harmed by others, but I'm afraid that when I die in the future, I'll be worse than a dog, just like a stray dog that was hit by a car on the road, no one picked it up, and if it wasn't for a cleaner to sweep it away, I would have been lying there to attract flies. ”

"You're going to be admitted to college, and you're definitely not going to come back to live with that group of people, are you?" I comforted Natsu, wanting to give her hope.

Sometimes, especially when I get off work, some men come out to buy groceries or work overtime, and they come to those women, and they call their families and say, "I'm buying groceries, I'm working overtime, and I can sneak upstairs with a cigarette, and many of them also wear glasses, and Vince's, it's the same, it's the same." ”

"But it's good. Xia laughed as he spoke, "Without them, who I sell condoms to, and where do I go to make money." ”

"If you meet the good, you will meet a minority. "I really wanted to have a mouth that would comfort people, but I just couldn't hold back my words.

Xia nodded, ignoring my words at all.

"Brother, if you have to die, how do you want to die. ”

"It's getting old. "I was depressed, but Natsu was more desperate than me, so I had to brace myself to comfort Natsu.

"I'm going to die instantly, for a moment, I don't know anything, and when I'm old, I'm a handful of bones, it's too embarrassing. Natsu hugged her thighs and rested her head on them, still pondering.

"What do you think, why is it difficult, you will be fine in the future. I reached out to touch Natsu's head, I wanted to comfort her, but Natsu buried her head in it, avoiding my comfort.

"How much money do you say you have to save to live to old age?" Xia asked me.

I really don't know what to say, Xia thinks too far, I am mentally tortured every day, and I never think about the future, I am just tortured.

"It's not as hard as you say, you can't get over it, don't you often say, there's still tomorrow?" I turned on the water, unscrewed a bottle and handed it to Xia.

Xia didn't pick up, I handed it to her and said, "You can really drink, life is not so bad, and I am not so bad." ”

"I know. ”

"Then you can take a sip and prove your trust in me. "I drew Natsu to the bottle so she wouldn't think about anything else.

"But the people who will let me drink water in the future may not be worthy of my trust. ”

Xia has seen too many drugging things, and the water she is asked to drink must be more potion than good water, and her vigilance has become her consciousness, even if this bottle of water is good water, as long as it is given to her by others, she feels awkward and feels dangerous.

"Okay, I'll drink it, you take it yourself. I gulped it down in front of Natsu.

Xia was still thinking about things, his face was distorted, his eyebrows were furrowed, I was also uncomfortable to watch, Xia hugged his legs, worried about something that didn't exist. "You know no, what you live now, what you think will be like in the future, when you have money in the future, you won't think like that. There are so many good people in the world, there is definitely one worthy of you. "I thought about comforting Natsu, but it didn't seem to be comforting the place.

Xia didn't speak, she was about to cry, and Xia went back as she spoke, saying, "I really didn't think that Grandpa Bai died so miserably." After giving birth to so many children, there is not even a cure, and the money to raise a child is enough to cure the disease. ”

Xia went on to say, "His face is sunk in, all collapsed, the skin is against his face, I look uncomfortable, when I think of when I was a child, he stepped on the snow and squeaked to give me dumplings, I felt uncomfortable, I haven't bought delicious food to see him." ”