The original question owes you back to you in a lightning-fast way

In love, Daiyu always has no sense of security, and Baoyu always has to keep reassuring, "You can rest assured." ”

Every step of intimacy is after Daiyu cries and cries, and Baoyu is anxious and unbearable after swearing.

Why do two people shed several liters of tears when they fall in love?

Dream of Red Mansions provides an explanation that Daiyu is here to return tears.

The prototype of Bao Dai's relationship is Shen Ying Waiter and Zhu Xian Cao. The relationship between the waiter and the fairy grass is a nurturing relationship.

Daiyu-Xiancao owes Baoyu-Waiter a debt, and the Zhuzhu Fairy said: "He is the benefit of nectar, and I have no water to repay." Since he came down to be a man, I will go to the next world as a man, but I can repay him with all the tears of my life. ”

This seems to be a kind of "revenge".

What others give you is irrigation and nurturing, so that you can change from a grass to a girl, according to the thinking mode of Confucian culture, what you should return is "filial piety".

For example, pretending to be a child to make your parents laugh, cutting off the flesh on your legs and boiling medicine for your parents to drink, taking the entrance examination to a prestigious university to make your parents' faces shine, making money to build a building or buy a villa for your parents, at least going home for the New Year to help your parents wash the dishes and cook the dishes, so that they don't feel that the evening is bleak and death is coming.

In short, the main theme of the things you return back is festive, sunny, and CCTV Spring Festival Gala.

How can I return the tears of depression and sorrow, and I will die after the tears are drained. Won't this let me raise you for nothing?

In fact, Lin Daiyu really said this sentence in 97 times: "Old lady, you hurt me in vain." Zhang Xinzhi commented on this: "Love is killing, grace is hatred, chaos is at the beginning, and it is finally solved, all crimes are always in this sentence, and the old lady is specially called to blame." ”

The dream of the red chamber hides the hatred and anger that is like a sea of trouble, which is widely present in all aspects of Chinese life, as the flower band sings,

"I took mine and sent it back, I spit it out after eating mine, and the record in the shining red star became a dialogue at this time, and I made up for what I owed, and handed it over to me who stole mine. You and I are in love like a fist, and every time I guess ......"

This angry and suspicious debtor-utilitarian and guilty moneylender (nurturer) pairing is not only found in the semi-autobiographical realism of Taoist gods and demons and broken aristocracy in the Ming and Qing dynasties, but also in the revolutionary films of the 1970s and the lyrics of contemporary punk rock, and, of course, in the wider range of real life represented by these literary works.

The formation of this self-object relationship pairing is, of course, rooted in the utilitarianism of the nurturers in real life.

For example, the nurturer raises each other by using the other party to grow up and make money, which is economic use, and it is more likely to make people angry with other kinds of use-

If I raised you, it was for you to win glory for me, so that others could look up to me, so that I would no longer feel inferior,

It's for you to accompany my lonely and lonely soul and make me happy,

Even if I raised you just because I wanted to find the joy of controlling others,

So the only way you can repay me is to live the life I want you to live, read the books I want you to read, and marry the woman I want you to marry,

The purpose of your life is to make me feel pleasing to the eye when I see your life, not to make me heartbroken.

This power-using parenting model is the main problem that Baoyu encounters.

However, the problem that Daiyu encountered did not come from the utilitarian parenting experience provided by Baoyu.

On the contrary, Baoyu repeatedly intends to provide Daiyu with an unutilized, unconditional experience of love and nurturing, which is exactly what he needs, but it is precisely because the love he gives is so good and unconditional that Daiyu is tempted again and again.

Because Daiyu can't believe it's true, it's like if you go and say to the little match girl, "Come to my house, you're going to freeze to death on the street." ”

The little match girl will definitely shake her head, and the reason why she would rather freeze to death on the streets than seek help from charities is that:

First, she doesn't believe that anyone will be good to her, and she will not unconditionally not take advantage of her or abuse her, because her father raised her to take advantage of and abuse her;

Second, even if someone is really good to her, they will eventually leave her, making her even more miserable. It's like letting a beggar stay in a five-star hotel for a month and then abandoning him, it's another kind of torture.

Daiyu, like the little match girl, has this "outcast complex".

People with outcast complexes will see my relationship with others like this in their hearts:

1. Others will abandon me, and it is unstable.

2. Others will hurt me and take advantage of me.

3. People will not care for me, will not understand me, will not protect me, will not guide me;

4. I am not popular with others;

5. I am isolated, unlike others, and do not belong to any group.

A person with an outcast complex will use three broad categories of strategies to adapt to this complex, which are obedience strategies, avoidance strategies, and compensation strategies.

The manifestation of the obedience strategy is: since everyone will hurt me and turn their backs on me, I will choose the person who will hurt, use, and turn my back on me as a partner, so that I will not have hopes and demands for him, and this relationship is familiar and comfortable to me.

The avoidance strategy is manifested in the following ways: I avoid being intimate with anyone, I drink when I can't stand it, I don't let anyone see my vulnerability, I don't trust anyone, and I don't participate in any group activities.

The performance of the compensation strategy is: I must hold on to him firmly, I can't see him for a moment, and I don't know if he will go to Sister Shi and Sister Bao again. I'm going to take advantage of him, hurt him, abandon him before he uses him, hurts him, abandons me. I definitely need to have a girlfriend to help me discuss how to get a man. I have to keep rejecting and criticizing people, or they will think I'm stupid. I have to constantly adapt to society, adapt to others, and become what others want.

In Bao Dai's relationship, Daiyu mainly obeys and avoids strategies, and as Baoyu swears again and again, she gradually uses a more intimate compensation strategy.

If they get married, such compensation strategies will lead to a lengthy period of power struggle in their marriage. Until the end, the black hole of this outcast complex is filled and stitched up. A beautiful and great love story was born. During this period, Bao Dai had to go through a lot of tests.

Although the outcast complex brings a lot of troubles to itself and interpersonal relationships, many cute and even great qualities also come from the outcast complex.

For example, the inseparability of love, the persistent pursuit, and even the ability to give up one's life for love,

The reason why Daiyu won Baochai and won Baoyu's heart is because of this, she will not ask Baoyu to be an official economy.

Chai, rice, oil, salt, sauce, vinegar, tea, cars, real estate, stock savings, and what your dad does, all of which she cares about, what she cares about is: Do you love me enough, do you do it wholeheartedly, do you never leave me no matter what the situation, do you love your only son like a mother? Because I love you like this.

Therefore, for those who have foundling complexes, breaking up is not a bit of a painful separation, nor a bit of helpless rejection, but a completely devastating abandonment. It is comparable to the mother who chose to save her son instead of saving her daughter in the Tangshan earthquake, and even surpassed it.

Because the mother's choice in the earthquake is passive and guilty, while the lovers' breakup is active and positive.

The formation of the outcast complex comes from the loss of motherhood and the absence of fathers in the context of the whole era, so it is useless to condemn one or two parents.

If you want to give the foundlings a warm environment and repair the black hole in their hearts, it also depends on how big the black hole is.

Fang Deng, the elder sister in the Tangshan earthquake, finally got out of the outcast complex, and it seems that there are many favorable factors in her life:

1. Abandonment is not at the initiative of the mother, but a natural disaster;

2. Before abandonment, the parents are caring for the abandoned child, and the relationship between the parents is also very harmonious;

3. The relationship between sisters and brothers is very caring after abandoning the ex-siblings, and the relationship between siblings is still harmonious after reconciliation;

4. The adoptive parents were very caring for themselves, and the family was in the middle and upper echelons of society at that time, providing good nurturing conditions;

5. Fondon himself had a relatively happy family in adulthood, with very good socio-economic conditions, and his younger brother was equally wealthy;

6. The younger brother has won his life, but he has lost his arm;

7. Mother's years of extreme guilt and self-abuse;

8. Up to 32 years.

Fondon had almost all the advantages to get out of the trauma, except for a firm belief in the victory over death.

Lin Daiyu's conditions are much worse, it is said that some people found that Lin Daiyu's ending should be "suicide in the lake", which is in line with the outcast complex. With lightning speed, I returned all the feelings of abandonment to the world, before the world abandoned me.

Popular Science: You take care of your body, I take care of your mind.

Welcome to contribute and hook up: 2944303170@