Chinese I think my love of singing is inherited from my dad.

will be satisfied in the screams, presumably inherited from him.

A young Englishman came up to talk to me, left his phone number and told me that he was the lead singer of an underground band.

So I thought of Si Chen again.

I always thought about Si Chen, and at first I deliberately avoided it, but gradually I felt that he was a nightmare engraved on me, and I couldn't forget it, but when I thought about it, I became numb.

So I returned the note with my phone number written on it and shook my head gently.

In the days to come, Zhou Li still called me to go to the singing room every once in a while, I knew that she would get a commission when she worked there to pull people to go, and there were a few times when I couldn't resist the temptation.

Perhaps the most direct manifestation of the vanity in my bones is the desire for applause and screams.

Later, I really worked with her in the singing studio as Zhou Li expected, but instead of serving beer, I sang in the hall outside, no different from the resident singers in ordinary bars.

Being able to sing is also the reason why I was shaken, I didn't even think about whether it was legal for me to sing here without a working permit.

But then again, if I do get sent back home, it might be a relief for me.

After all, I am still not very old, and my receptivity is relatively strong, and my oral English has improved a lot after staying in the singing room, and communication with people is no longer a problem.

The last time I had a fight with Zhou Li was because I heard her talking to her boyfriend on the phone.

I went back to the apartment early that day, and I usually go back until dawn, so I asked for leave when my aunt was not feeling well. Zhou Li probably didn't expect me to go back so early, so she turned on the hands-free and chatted with her boyfriend.

By this time my hearing had almost recovered, and I could hear the voices of both of them through the door.

This is also the first time I know so clearly how Zhou Li calculated me in the past, from the first day I moved here, she took me to get a mobile phone, bought a computer, and made a lot of money from me, and then she has been cheating me about the water and electricity bills every month, including rent, and even when I sang in the practice room, she also took a part of the commission.

It's not that I haven't thought about these things, but it must be uncomfortable to listen to her say it so clearly.

It's okay if it's uncomfortable, I'm used to it for a long time.

But Zhou Li later not only told his boyfriend that I had autism, but also said: "A few days ago, she didn't close the door when she took a shower, I didn't know and went in, and I saw that she had a wrist injury, and it turned out that she had committed suicide, no wonder she always wore a wrist guard on her hand." ”

Zhou Li's boyfriend echoed: "No wonder I always think she is weird and weird, and she doesn't like to talk." ”

Zhou Li was unhappy, "What do you look at her every day? I asked you to help me find a new roommate, have you found it?"

As soon as she said this, I remembered that the other girl who shared the house with us didn't seem to have found a job and was ready to return to China, Zhou Li was in a hurry to find a new roommate recently, and her daily expenses were better than my family's money, and she was calculating money tightly every month.

Zhou Li was frustrated that she couldn't find anyone to rent a house, so our roommate came back, called me, and asked me why I was standing at the door.

Then Zhou Li came to open the door and smiled awkwardly when she saw me.

I couldn't even respond hypocritically, so when I entered the door, I opened my suitcase, rummaged through the closet, and piled clothes in a mess.

Zhou Li grabbed my wrist, "Chen Xiang, what are you doing?"

I glanced at her coldly, "I want to move." ”

If I hadn't heard Zhou Li say this about me today, I wouldn't have thought about moving out a long time ago, and now I suddenly said that I wanted to move, which was also impulsive.

Zhou Li kept apologizing to me.

As soon as she said this, I kept remembering what she had just said about autism and suicide, and my heart became more and more chaotic, so I pulled the box and left.

Zhou Li chased after me, "The contract hasn't arrived yet, and if you move out, you'll have to pay three months' rent." ”

Apparently I didn't have that much money, but I left anyway.

I had a showdown with the boss of the singing room, and in the end he promised me that in the future, I would not give a part of my salary to Zhou Li as a commission.

I was homeless these days, and even if I went to the real estate agency to rent a house, I couldn't complete the procedures in a day or two, so I sang in the singing room all night, and stayed in a nearby backpacker hostel at dawn.

Zhou Li's incident made me feel terrible, and my life of day and night turned upside down made me feel even more exhausted.

Foreigners like to associate punk with sex and criminal drugs, and later I found out that among all the rock music, my favorite is also punk, and there is always a little bit of cynical decadence, as if the whole world doesn't understand me.

Similarly, female punk, a Chinese female punk is also a very new existence in the eyes of foreigners, and most of them are music fans, and a small part of them have become flesh and bones. So when I was singing, a lot of people came to talk to me, and some of them were members of underground bands, and they invited me to drink and dance.

Then I found that after a long time, the bottom line can be polished, I began to accept their invitation, and fell madly in love with that feeling, they talked to me about music, about the musicians I liked, I listened very carefully, and I felt a strange and familiar satisfaction in my heart.

I also drank with them, played boxing, and even learned to smoke.

Probably I just hate Zhou Li for saying that I am autistic, so I try to get rid of my former self in front of these people, and desperately show the exact opposite.

I learned from other girls to wear makeup, cut my hair short, wore very short and tight dresses, covered the scars on my wrists with tattoos, and appeared in the middle of a group of young people every night after twelve o'clock, except for refusing physical contact, I think I was no different from any other flesh and skin.

I received a call from my mom half a month after I moved out of the apartment, just when I was about to leave work after singing in the singing room.

My mom first asked me where I was, and I couldn't tell me, and then she asked me why I didn't take my final exams, and my attendance rate for this semester was less than 50 percent. I still can't answer.

Finally my mom told me that she already knew about me moving out of the apartment, and that she could ignore the past, but that I had to move back right away and go back to class from tomorrow, or she would leave me alone.

I yelled into my phone, "You didn't care about me in the first place!"

After hanging up the phone, I went back to the practice room, and there was no one on stage, so I jumped on it and continued to sing.

I sang a Chinese song, written by my father, and among the few things he left me, I found the score of this song, but I never dared to sing it, at most hummed a few words in my heart, and unconsciously memorized it completely.

It was the first time I sang this song, and I cried as I sang it.

For as long as I can remember, I knew that my parents were divorced, and my father ran to Beijing alone with a guitar on his back, and my mother became a strong woman in her career.

She didn't have time to take me, so she locked me in the house on the weekend, and I could only lie on the windowsill and watch the other children downstairs play together.

When I was in elementary school, no one gave me a parent-teacher conference, and my classmates asked me if I was an orphan.

After junior high school, I became more and more withdrawn, I didn't know how to interact with people, and gradually I had my own thoughts, I began to like listening to songs, secretly turning out my dad's things, and since then, every time I sing, my mom will lose her temper with me.

And every time I quarrel with my mother, what my mother says to me is nothing more than you get out, this is not your home, and if there is, I won't care about you in the future. Maybe she thought it was just an angry remark, but for me it was a feeling of abandonment.

Growing up, I was always abandoned.

Abandoned by my father, abandoned by Qi Xiang as a friend, and abandoned by Si Chen, the person he loved for the first time.

I think I hate and fear this feeling.

At the end of the song, my whole face was wet with tears, and after I got off the stage, a musician who had chatted and drunk asked me if I was unhappy.

I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand and said I was fine.

Then he took out a small pill and told me indifferently, "We take this when we are unhappy or tired, and you can relax after eating it." ”

I stared at the bag with the colorful Xiaoyao pills, and I knew what it was.

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