What do I want? Before I was three years old, the question was simple, I wanted to go home, away from this strange time, back to my home in my previous life. Between the ages of three and twelve, the problem is simple: I want to eat and die, and spend the rest of my life quietly and happily – and then see if I can go home when I die. After the age of twelve, I completely forgot about going home, and the only thing I wanted was Ah Huan, who wanted her from body to heart. Until now, what I want most is still Ah Huan, but this kind of thinking seems to have quietly changed a little, and it has become an indescribable and inexplicable feeling. Since I left the palace, there have been many more people and things around me, and although I try not to think about them, they will always find me inadvertently or inadvertently. Seriously counted, I am not yet sixteen years old, not past the age of a teenager, but the carefree time of youth seems to have long since left me - of course I know that I am a little disease-free, after all, I am more than the vast majority □□of sixteen-year-old girls of the same era, whether it is the daughter of the scholar clan such as Cui Mingde, Wan'er, Ah Huan and even Dugu Shao, or the poor, slaves and maids such as immortals, Xiaolang and the like, to be too happy, but sometimes I can't help but feel that this is not normal, sixteen-year-old people, should be happy to study, happy to be loved by their parents unreservedly, unconditionally, unscrupulously squandered their own stupid and secondary two youth, instead of figuring out my mother's mind from morning to night every day, speciously pondering these so-called national events, sneaking out at night to cheat with his sister-in-law, and discussing with his lover how to frame his subordinates.

Sixteen years later, I never imagined that I would stand with the "Queen Mother", "Emperor", and "Prime Minister", participate in these national events that may not have been seen on the news network before, and hear about these secrets that used to only be regarded as gossip or palace fighting dramas.

It's easy to see things on TV and in books, but in reality, it's painful to even control the corners of your mouth so that you smile appropriately and appropriately. And people on TV never really die, after the story is told, the actors continue to come out, talking and laughing here and there, and telling some interesting things during the filming process, but here, "death" is "death", it is a living person who disappears from front of his eyes, and no actor will run out of the set again, smiling and comforting the injured audience, "death" has many names, the royal family and important ministers can be "given death", the light crime can be "hanged", the unlucky "abandon the market", the most unlucky is even worse than "Ling Chi". And the death of one person is far from the end.

I have been thinking day and night about how to become stronger, and I have forced myself to become stronger, strong enough to protect myself and Ah Huan, but sometimes, I also wonder how to be truly strong, and whether the price paid for being strong is worth it.

Ah Huan didn't force me to answer, she just looked at me patiently, put one hand around me, let me pill her hand, and gently patted my back with the other. In my childhood, when I was short-tempered and moody because of homesickness, my mother used to pat me so softly and coaxed me to sleep. My grandfather came from a reckless voice, and my mother learned a lot of local pronunciation, and she never mentioned her past in Bingzhou on weekdays, only at this time would she gently sing some specious folk songs. Her voice was so heartfelt and gentle when she sang that it was so gentle that it clearly misled me, making me think that she was nothing more than a queen who happened to be surnamed Wu and happened to be a little strong. This gentleness also misled Li Sheng and Li Rui, who always regarded her as a mother rather than a political enemy.

I gently looked up at Ah Huan and looked at her sparkling eyes: "Ah Huan, can you sing?"

Ah Huan was stunned, put his hand on my shoulder, and said softly: "I learned a few words from Qi Niang before. She tilted her head and sang a ballad gently, she didn't use the official rhyme, I didn't understand many of the words she sang, and most of her tunes were wrong, there were obviously disjointedness in several places, and there were repetitions in some places, and once she stopped and thought about it for a moment, before continuing to sing, and after singing, she said with some embarrassment:" It was learned by Qi Niang and the children in the outer alleys, they don't know the rhyme, they don't know how to read, and they don't know what it means to sing, Qi Niang is young and ignorant, and they learned it, so they sang to us, and the result was known by my father, even I took her, locked up in the yard and punished for kneeling, and I couldn't bear to deliver the meal, and my father found out, the meal was not delivered, and I beat it in vain - he read so many books in vain, and he was stupider than you, if it were me..."

She shut her mouth and hugged my shoulders tightly, tears falling from the corners of her eyes, she hurriedly turned her face away, I sat up, hugged her from the back to the front, and let her lean on my shoulder. When I held her in my arms, I realized that I was taller than her, not very tall, but I could already see it when I sit. I patted her gently on the back, listened to her sobs gradually lower, and hurriedly coaxed her: "No life is not stupid, when I recommended him, the official department transferred the paper, saying that he did an excellent job of planning and writing, and the writing was beautiful." Your brothers and sisters, all of them are so good, A-Niang must also feel relieved in the spirit of heaven. ”

I quietly called her A-Niang as "A-Niang", I don't know if she heard it, anyway, I was blushing, clumsily to wipe her tears, and led her to speak: "Your men and women are all single names, why do you want to call this name?

She shook her head in my arms and said softly: "Ah Niang doesn't read much, but I have learned the Sutra of Amitayus from a few masters, and the names of our brothers and sisters are all given by Ah Niang, so they are named after this sutra. After I lived with my mother, Fang Cong Sanniang named it 'Huan', which was not originally called this. ”

I smiled and said, "I know, you must have been called Wei Wusupreme, that's why you were born so beautiful." ”

She gave me a blank look: "I was originally called Amitayus, Qi Niang was called Guanyin, and then Ah Niang thought that the maid was not good, and said that she was originally from a maid family, and she couldn't use this word anymore, so she changed it to Guanyin." The name is vulgar, you forget it when you hear it. ”

I read the three words "Amitayus" again, only felt the ordinary three words, but it seemed to be the supreme immortal sound, half-jokingly said: "When I was a child, I went to worship the Buddha, and I was impatient to see anything else, only when I saw the Buddha Amitayus, I felt like I had seen it in my previous life, and it was very kind, it turned out to be because of you." ”

She pushed me: "Those who talk nonsense all day long are not afraid of the Buddha's blame." As soon as he spoke, his face suddenly changed, and he bowed to the west solemnly, muttered a few words, and dragged me to worship. I didn't know that she was so pious, so I bowed a few times with her, and said with a smile: "Then I won't call you Ah Huan in the future, will I call you Ah Shou?"

She glared at me, pushed me on the bed, and pressed the quilt tightly: "Sleep." ”

I drilled around below, and finally hugged her again, kissed and kissed her, and whispered, "May you live an immeasurable life, and touch the light forever." ”

She glanced back at me, squeezed my hand and said, "May you turn into a man at the end of your life, and reincarnate in the Seven Treasure Pond Lotus Blossom." ”

I looked at her with tears and laughter, and was about to argue, but in a flash, I only smiled and hugged her tightly: "May the whole world no longer make a wish of 'no woman in the country' and 'misogynistic to man'." ”

She moved and said very softly, "Sleep." ”(. Just love the net)