The script of "Looking for the Cat".

Xue Ning's last letter

(Ruofan took out an anonymous letter from the mailbox at the door of his home, walked to the park bench, and opened the envelope)

(Reading next to Xue Ning)

Every time I want to write something for you, I always hold the pen and freeze for a long time, but I know I have a lot to say to you, but I can't find a suitable opening. After tearing up hundreds of sheets of manuscript paper over and over again, he finally had to start with a hasty gesture as he approached the end.

The first thing I want to tell you is, of course, an unspeakable apology, but I must tell you that my short married life with you was the happiest time of my life, and if it hadn't happened to me, we would have lived the rest of our lives in peace, which is what I hope for, and what you want.

As you know, I didn't lose my heart at the first time I had sex with you, and I really wanted to find a suitable opportunity to explain it to you more than once, but no matter how much I tried to convince myself to muster up the courage, I really couldn't tell me what it was, but now, when I was about to be swallowed up by the sea in my boat, it occurred to me that you need to know what happened.

When I was only six years old, I was raped by my father's younger brother, who was the father of my cousin, who was a lawyer. I didn't understand what it meant to me, maybe it was just a terrible nightmare. Until the first time I and you, I suddenly woke up like from a dream, and it was all true. So, I fell into a mess like never before, and in the midst of the chaos, I desperately tried to break free from the shadow of the shadows, and I also wanted you to help me tear apart the ringworm-like disease. But it was all in vain, it stayed there motionless, with every kiss, hug, and copulation with you, constantly cramping my whole body.

But if that person doesn't show up, I think I can completely endure such a pain, and we can live an authentic life forever.

One day a year and a half after we got married, I went to dinner alone with a client who was over fifty years old for work. During this time, he suggestively touched my thigh with his fingers. Unlike every time you touch, a strong desire rushes straight above my head, like a huge wave when a typhoon comes, immediately engulfing all my senses, and to be honest, I can't resist it. So, after leaving the restaurant, we went to the hotel.

Since then, I've slept with about four or five men of about the same age, body shape and appearance. As my cousin said, I felt guilty, but I couldn't do anything about it, and I contracted gonorrhea because of it, which is why I always rejected you for some time before I left.

I often hid in the bathroom alone when no one was around, soaked my body with cold water from the showerhead, and then slapped my face in the mirror until the hand covering my mouth could no longer hold the sound of sobbing, and the bright red blood flowed from the corner of my mouth.

Suddenly one day, the night before I left, I woke up from a dream and found that you were still sleeping next to me, the real snoring, the real look, the real temperature, I couldn't help but want to hug you, I couldn't help but want to kiss you, but this idea was too unreal, so I decided to return to real life and solve the problem from the root of the problem.

Before saying goodbye, you put on my coat one last time and kissed me on the forehead one last time. Then I turned around and left and went to my cousin's place, hoping to talk to my uncle.

The result was unsatisfactory, he admitted what had happened, but without remorse he tried to force me again, so I killed him, or rather, I had prepared for it and made up my mind to kill him from the beginning, and I will not shy away from telling the judge when the trial is held in the future.

The moment I saw his blood spurting out of the arteries in my neck, I felt a sense of relief, a relief that I had never felt before, and the pain in my body disappeared, and I became the real and complete me.

I still want to apologize to you, to that dream, if we could have a group of children, buy a house, and then quietly enjoy the sweetness of the years, as we originally envisioned, how nice it would be.

Now I'm going to turn myself in and wait for the law to bring me the punishment I deserve. I hope you don't lose yourself because of my absence, and you will live a real life like a dream. Don't have to wait for me any longer.