I struggled to climb to the floor of my dormitory with the handrail of the staircase, and the feeling of grievance and shame became even more obvious and could not be dissipated.

My bed was on the upper level, and it took me a long time and energy to climb into it. I covered myself with a quilt and continued to reminisce about the bitterness of defeat in the infinite sleepiness left over from last night. At that time, my mind was extremely calm, I didn't think about anything, and when the greater sleepiness hit, I finally couldn't support it anymore and fell into a deep sleep.

At three o'clock in the afternoon, I woke up from my sleep, and when I opened my eyes to the white ceiling, I turned my head to see the two shelf beds on the opposite side with only empty slats, and I thought of sitting outside all night, and it felt like I had slept for a century, and when I woke up, everything changed.

I remembered the way Helen looked at me, the shock, incomprehension, and pity she felt at first when she saw it, and finally the self-blame when she wiped the frost off my hair and eyebrows with her scarf. The sight of her face had already made me inevitably forgive her for the fault of breaking the appointment, and her unpretentious self-reproachful eyes dealt me a fatal blow - what reason could I not forgive her. But after a while, I felt that I had become unusually sane, and she had broken her agreement with her, and was walking back with a member of the opposite sex in the early morning, when I was about to freeze to death on a bench in the agreed place—and I felt that I would indeed freeze to death.

I took out my phone and saw a text message from Hai Linlin: "I'm sorry, I misremembered the time. This evening, I hope to explain it to you in person and tell you a few more things. "That text message came from 10 o'clock in the morning.

That text message didn't stir me up any feelings, and I felt calm like a backwater that had never been broken. After a while, I replied to her: "Yes, the son is the most untrustworthy, fortunately, don't see you again." "I put my phone next to my pillow and fell back into a deep sleep.

When I woke up again, the dormitory was completely dark, and the lights of the city outside were projected on the walls of the dormitory through the balcony railing. I thought about replying to the message from Hai Linlin, and I was looking forward to seeing her reply to my text message again, whether it was asking me to see her again, or acknowledging my determination to reply to a simple message that would be gone. Seeing that the last text message between the two of us was sent by her, how many times did I save some of my lost self-esteem. But that text message didn't come.

When I woke up again, it was already the next day, the sun was shining, the dormitory was bright and silent, and the text message still hadn't come. I knew it would never come again, but the disappointment of not receiving the text message was only a fleeting moment, after all, I felt like I didn't care about anything anymore.

For the next few days, I didn't have any strength in my body, and I just wanted to stay in bed forever. I could only feel thirst, not hunger. I closed the curtains on the balcony and closed the door of the dormitory, nibbling on the last dry food snack left in the dormitory once in a while to get by. I didn't pay attention to the date, I just knew that I was in the middle of January, I didn't know what day of the week it was, and I didn't know what day of the week. The only thing I could confirm was the hour, I would look at what time it was when I woke up, and I never paid attention to the date and day of the week displayed on my phone screen. My phone is in Do Not Disturb mode most of the time, and I will reply to calls that I didn't receive when I wake up feeling better. When I talk on the phone, I speak slowly and weakly, and the other party always asks "what's wrong with you".

I felt like I had completely made up for the sleep I owed that night I was waiting for Hai Linlin, and it was already the 13th. When I opened my eyes, I saw the sunlight outside and knew it was daytime. I got up and dressed, my hair was unkempt on my head, my beard was popping out, and for the first time I felt a change in myself in the mirror.

As soon as I left the dormitory door, I couldn't open my eyes from the sunlight, it was the first time I had seen real sunlight in several days, and the sunlight cast on the dormitory wall was refracted by the glass after all. I stood at the door of the dormitory, letting my eyes adjust to the sunlight before I walked down the steps. The bench I sat on that night wasn't far from the door to my dorm room, and I saw it at a glance, but quickly turned my eyes away. I know that Hai Linlin had already left school the day before, so I didn't have to worry about meeting her on campus.

I left the school gate and walked north along the road, where there was a river that ran through the city, and I used to play there when I was in school. I walked over to the stone I used to sit on, and sat on the same rock I used to sit on, and it was a smooth, large rock, and it was very comfortable to sit on. There are some ice cubes scattered on the surface of the river, and where they are exposed, you can see the rushing water through the ice holes, which shimmer white in the sun. The winter wind blows across the lake, and it is very cold on the face, and there is no one on the river bridge in the distance. I stayed by the river until evening, and the west-slanting sun smeared the river with gold, just like what was written in the poem: a remnant sun paved the water, half the river was sorrowful and half the river was red.

Back on campus, the sun had completely set, and the darkness was gradually enveloping. For the first time in days, I felt hungry – uncontrollable hunger. I ate a big bowl of noodles, three cakes, five eggs, and drank two bowls of porridge in the dining room, and when I returned to the dormitory, I threw up in the bathroom. After that, I fell seriously ill, and the doctor in the school infirmary said that I was very sick, and I was given fluids in the infirmary for three days in a row. The doctor was a young girl, and it was hard to see how skilled she was, but it was more than enough for a school to deal with the common ailments of its students.

On the first day of the infusion, there were three people in the infirmary, and I was the only one left. The nurse asked me why I had no love on my face, and she comforted me that my illness was indeed very serious, but I would recover immediately and that I should not have any psychological pressure. That was the first time I was made to laugh in those days, but I didn't laugh, I just looked at her for a moment with the same loveless expression she said. The next day, I was the only one who received the infusion, and there were only a few students who bought medicine in the middle. On the third day, I was alone.

During the three days I was in the infirmary, I never spoke except when I asked her to change the dressing and remove the needle, and the young female doctor would ask me every day, trying to open the chat box with me, to relieve my boredom during the infusion, or to solve her boredom. But she probably didn't know that I wasn't boring, that I didn't have anything in my heart, that it was empty, but unusually fulfilling. I didn't seem to think about anything, but I seemed to think about everything in the world. She was not embarrassed to see that I had never had the idea of talking to her, holding a book on anatomy with a picture of human viscera on the cover.

When I was about to leave after the infusion on the third day, she whispered, "Only lovelorn people do this." ”

Hearing her say that, I wanted to talk to her more than ever, and I put my hands on the table in front of her, half-bent, looked into her eyes and said, "I'm not in love." ”

In those days, I rarely thought about Helenlin. The only times I saw a girl with the same hairstyle as her, once I saw a male student sitting on the bench where I was waiting for her that night, and once I saw a black sweater hanging in the green area downstairs, almost identical to hers. I was startled, I was afraid that she was still in school and was probably watching me somewhere, and I nervously watched left and right. When I finally decided that the sweater was three buttons and Hai Linlin's sweater was five buttons, I settled down and felt ridiculous about my suspicions.

In the first few days after that incident, I didn't feel any pain, I just felt powerless and idle, like a shell of my soul and didn't think of anything. But as time passed, I thought about Hai Linlin more and more every day, and at the end of January, I felt like I was back to when I first met her and missed her the most. The painful sensation became clearer and clearer as the days passed, like a whip on a naked body, each deeply inscribed.

I try to do other things to get rid of this feeling, to make my life more comfortable, and not to be wronged. I couldn't sleep well every night, so I didn't sleep at all, and after the lights went out in the dormitory, I lit candles and sketched or sketched. Once I painted and unconsciously drew Hai Linlin, and when I reacted, her eyes had already been painted, and I drew her very vividly with my impression. I quickly tore off the piece of pulp paper and replaced it with a new one, drawing a praying mantis waiting to hunt. No matter what I painted, I would have Hai Linlin's voice and smile flashing in my mind every once in a while, until the tiredness of the second half of the night invaded, and I climbed into bed and began to sleep. It was as if I had gone to bed early for the rest of the first few days of that incident.

I can't sleep for three or four hours, I get up early every morning, run laps along the playground like a squad leader, he only runs 5 kilometers, I run 10 kilometers in an hour, the headphones play a strong sense of rhythm music, with the ups and downs of running, Hai Linlin intermittently appeared in front of me. Until the sun rises, the number of people in the playground gradually increases.

In the morning or at noon, I would go to a classroom to listen to the non-graduating class, and I would walk around the corridor of the teaching building at random, randomly select the classroom, and then enter through the back door and sit in the back row to follow them. Once, the classroom I went in was giving a folklore art theory class, and I was listening drowsy in the back, and the teacher asked me to stand up and answer questions. I asked him to repeat the question, and then talked about it with what I knew, which drew approving glances and applause from the class.