I stayed up all night watching the sunlight shine through the half-open window where she slept, shining on her pajamas, her quilt on the side. She got up around noon, and when I left, she sat in front of the mirror and brushed her hair.

"Before you think clearly. She said, "Don't come to me again." ”

For Hai Linlin's longing to get back on track, a lot of problems made me decadent again. For the first time, I thought about what Hai Linlin was doing and what she did after graduation, she must have not given up painting, and she must be working hard for her dream of becoming a world-famous painter. Maybe her dream has come true, I searched for her name on the Internet, but several celebrities named Hai Linlin are not her, and none of them have anything to do with her. I was also thinking about it, she said that she hadn't met a person of the opposite sex who she was interested in before she met me, and five years later, the river near the school had broken three times, the city's highest floor had gone from 30 to 55, and the subway had opened three ...... Five years can change everything, whether she has met the opposite sex who makes her heart flutter, she may be married, toddler in the spring meadow with her own children. I also wondered if she had ever remembered me, and what kind of memory she would remember me. The resolute tone of the letter she had sandwiched between the book as she left could cut through the chronological axis, as if I were the most disappointed person in the world, the most despised, the most hated by her. Or maybe she's erased me from her memory forever.

After that night, I began to think about how I had been guarding myself – why I had been guarding myself. My physiology was normal, and I was often bothered by the urge to interfere with my mind, but it never got me into action. Only then did I have to admit that I was for her, and I wanted my first time to be with her, and my first time should be dedicated to love. I should have known this before, but I never wanted to admit it, I didn't want to admit that I was unwilling to accept the past. I was still dreaming, I knew that some things had ended years ago, but I still insisted on walking on the tightrope of the abyss under my feet, trembling, trying to retain the self-esteem lost in love in a self-deceptive way. Thinking of this, I was covered in cold sweat, and I couldn't sleep all night, I had squandered my precious time to the void, I had been sinning against myself, and I needed to atone for myself.

My hair and beard grew longer, and I regained the temperament of an artist and a wandering poet, so that when I looked for a dancer who resembled Helinlin again after a long time, she almost did not recognize her. I invited her on the dance floor and swayed with her in the slow darkness.

"I'm going to do something big. I said, "I want to atone for my sins." ”

She said that since I had come to her, she would know what I was going to atone for. We went out of the ballroom and she asked me how I was going to atone for my sins, and I told her that I understood what she said, that I was too naïve in love, that I didn't understand anything, and that I was grateful for her teaching. I thought of the only way I could atone for my sins, I wanted her to help me find a woman, and I never wanted to—I couldn't know who she was, I didn't know what she looked like, and I wanted to atone for the time I had wasted in complete darkness. She was surprised by my request, but said it wasn't difficult to do, and let me just wait for her to hear from her. And said that although my ideas were creative and outstanding, she was happy to see me through the facts and mature.

During that time, when I re-acquainted myself with my past life, it seemed that a new understanding of life also made me work from time to time, and I received interviews one after another, although I did not pass, but once I saw hope.

On a snowy Wednesday in January, she told me to go to a place a hundred meters east of a street corner at night and look for a door with a cat graffiti on it. Push open the door and go up to a room on the east side of the second floor. I arrived as promised, the snow and ice made the ground slippery, and I walked tremblingly. I went up to the second floor, the hallway was dark, and I crept my way to the door she said and knocked lightly three times. There was no sound in it, and I knocked three more times, but there was still no sound. I pushed open the open door, and the house was so dark that I couldn't see my fingers. A scent wafted from the right front, I knew that someone was over there, I looked for the scent, and slowly moved my steps towards the scent.

I touched her arm for the first time, and she grabbed my hand and hugged me all over. I touched her whole body with my hands, and I felt that her body was well-proportioned, her hair was hot and curly, and her ass was stiff. She stripped me naked in the dark, and she threw my clothes straight on the floor, and the heat made me shiver, but it was quickly replaced by other sensations. She was panting, impatient, without saying a word, hugging me tightly and guiding me into a new direction in life.

I was at her mercy the whole time, and she led me to explore the unknown and mysterious world, without any protection. Until it's all over. I slipped off of her, sweating profusely with her, and she kissed me on the forehead a few times, and I felt like a reward for me. I regained my composure, clinging to her body and feeling the warmth, she still didn't say a word, fumbled in the dark to get dressed, and turned on the light in the room at the door when I went out. The sudden brightening of the room made me unable to open my eyes, and I didn't see her going out at all, and I didn't see the room clearly until I got used to seeing things in the bright light. The bed was covered with white sheets like new, and there was a puddle of water stains on it, which I knew was a sign that I had just done something successful. Pink curtains obscured the city lights outside, and under the window, directly in front of the doorway, was a large desk with a lamp and a few books spread out. There is a wardrobe with a closed door against the wall, and the solid wood floor is as bright as new, it must be dragged every day. My clothes were scattered on the floor, and I bent down to pick them up and put them on one by one, so that I could regain the way I was in life.

I didn't want to linger in the house any longer, so I closed the door and went back to the ice-soaked street, like I had just taken a shower. My head was like an empty room, with nothing and everything I wanted to put in. The winter wind reminded me of how I felt back then, and when I was told to go to that house, I knew there was something very important waiting for me to do. When I told the dancer who resembled Helenlin about my request, I knew that such a day would come. The long hours of preparation made me not feel the slightest nervousness. I imagined what it would be like to be at that time, and I believe a book says it's a feeling of dying on the verge of death. I thought, what kind of woman did she find for me, her fatness, her height, her face, her personality...... As I walked towards the feeling of death with her, I could feel her shapely body just by touch, tight skin, no fat on her belly, and curly hair at the end. The fragrance of perfume still emanating from my naked body, although it is completely different from the smell of Hai Linlin's shampoo, still fascinates me and constantly stimulates my love bath. On the way to that room, I thought, in the process of completing the atonement, I can't see who the other party is, will I imagine who I will imagine her to be, and who should I imagine her, this answer is the most likely to point to Hai Linlin at the beginning. Will that feeling of infidelity to Hai Linlin make it as difficult for me to accomplish what is going to happen like the previous two times? Although I was determined to solve this problem, I still felt unconfident about what I was facing and what I was going to change. But when things were going on, everything was different from what I had imagined, I didn't think about anything, my mind went blank, only the woman under me who took me to the unknown space—a woman I didn't know anything.

I walked through the streets where the snow had melted into water, as if I had traveled to the distant past. I tried to relive the whole course of events, but it was all hazy, like looking through frosted glass in a dim red room, which felt familiar. I also thought of Helenlin, and I felt unfaithful to her again, and I felt that everything should be like this. It's just that the woman gradually made me miss it, and I walked on the road for more than two hours, thinking more about the woman in the dark, she was like a ghost, and every few minutes she would occupy my mind. I kept looking at the female pedestrians on the road, and every time I saw one I wondered how different she was from the mysterious woman who took me to the unknown world, and a few times, I even suspected that the passerby I saw was her, or that she was watching me in some dark corner.

The streets were deserted in the early hours of the morning, and I deeply understood the feeling, fleeting and yet forever. This feeling blooms in the warmth of spring, and quickly withers in the afterglow of autumn.