I was in the difficult situation of what kind of job to look for, and I didn't seem to know how to do anything except paint, but I hated painting for a long time, and I was disgusted when I saw something with color. From the moment I returned to the city, I decided that I would never get another job painting, but I didn't seem to know anything but painting. I'm running out of savings for the gap in job hunting, and I'm soon going to run out of food.

Again, the city's labor market became my final choice, and that place was my last straw. On my first day, I worked with a renovation team from 8 a.m. to 18 p.m., striking holes with electric hammers on the points marked by the workers, and then smashing wedges into them, and my hands were blistered three times by the hammer and hammer, and I earned 150 yuan. The three blisters on my hands gave me another two days of rest without doing anything, and I also felt deeply that I had serious deficiencies in heavy physical labor, which did not manifest itself in that city by the sea. Eventually, with the help of a friend, I enrolled in an art training class as an art teacher, and the decision I had made when I first returned to the city was abandoned again and I picked up the brush again. The trainees in the training class have a wide range of ages, but most of them are children and middle school students, and I wear many hats, teaching children from 7:30 to 8:30 every night, and conducting intensive training for middle school students who decide to take the art examination during the week.

The level of middle school students is uneven, some of them are very good at drawing, some are a mess, and some have no foundation, and they are temporarily changed to painting for the college entrance examination. I have to start with the most basic perspective and light relationship, how to arrange lines, how to estimate proportions, etc. For such students, I spend half an hour explaining the theory part, and then have them practice the line with a pencil for an hour continuously. This was followed by simple geometry exercises, and most of them respected me.

What impressed me was an introverted boy, he was not tall, with short hair, with highly myopic glasses, taciturn, he would do whatever I asked him to do, without the slightest painting skills. The first time he saw me, he bowed deeply and asked me for advice. After three days, I made an unmistakable judgment based on my experience that he was not fit to paint, but that kind of thing could never be said as a teacher, a trainer who worked for someone else. He lived in Japan with his father since he was a child, but in the end his parents divorced, he lived in China with his mother, living in poverty, with average academic performance, and wanted to take the art examination. This was in his mother's mind, and she wanted to give the child a good breath and then impress his father. The child always shows absent-mindedness, my words are taken as the wind in the ear, the lines are messy, the relationship between light and dark is even reversed, the cube is drawn into a cuboid, and it is repeatedly taught.

He often put down his pen and sat there in a daze as he painted, and when he saw me walking by, he picked up the pen and did a few random gestures, and after I walked away, he returned to his original state. One day, his mother asked me how he was doing, and I answered truthfully as a teacher, and I wanted to tell her not to let her child learn to draw anymore, because it would only be a waste of time, and that I could develop other interests and talents while I was still young, but I didn't say it. And my truthful report made her very annoyed, when I picked up the child back, I slapped him with tears at the door of the training class, and said that he couldn't fight a little bit, the child's glasses were knocked on the ground, I quickly ran over to persuade her. She had tears in her eyes, with infinite remorse and helplessness, as if the whole world owed her.

The slap had serious consequences, the glasses stabbed the child's left eye, and after three days of treatment, he was still blind, and his right eye was more than 600 degrees of myopia. I went to the hospital to see the child, who was still silent with gauze over his eyes. Seeing his appearance, I felt remorseful, and I felt that this consequence of the child had a lot to do with me. In those days, although no one felt that I had done anything wrong, I still felt that I was deeply sinned and that no matter what I did, I could not atone for it. When I went to bed at night, I always dreamed of the boy crying beside my bedside, blood coming from his hollow and dull left eye instead of tears.

I was depressed and depressed, and I was more attentive every time I instructed my students, and I hoped that my students would improve in their drawings under my guidance to make up for my fault with the boy who had hurt his eyes, even though I had done nothing wrong, as many people said. But it often backfires, and there are not many people who can make very significant progress, and most of them are quickly trained and disappear after one to three months. After only three lessons, I can accurately judge how much he can learn, how long he can last, and even infer what kind of person his parents are from the way he asks me questions and the small movements when he draws.

The children's training sessions were fun and easy, but it was difficult for me to maintain discipline in the classroom, and the children were so active that they would get up from their seats and run around the studio, and the classes were chaotic, like a weekend market. I never scolded them, I always guided them carefully, and I had to prevent them from biting the pencil in their mouths. Sometimes I ask a question, and they can derive strange questions from it that can never be answered. They are imaginative, informal, and draw strange things, nothing like them, but they are very interesting.

During that time, I rented a low-rent single room in the urban village, which was a small one-story house built by the landlord on the roof, and there was a house on the roof. It was so hot in the room that I no longer went outside every night, but slept on the roof with a mat.

The smell of autumn comes with September, and this smell is only suitable for nostalgia, and a good nap on the grass in the afternoon, this smell always reminds me of the past. From the first time I had memories when I was a child, I remembered everything, and the things I remembered made me feel like I had forgotten too many things in my life. Of course, I also remembered the story that happened in this city when I graduated, as if it was long gone, as if it was yesterday, hazy but within reach. From the moment I returned to the city, I always avoided going to the area where the school was located, and it would be cruel to hear the name of our school in the smell of autumn. So, from the moment I returned to the city, I didn't visit the area where the school was located once, and on several occasions I made a detour of an hour to avoid the school. As much as I miss my time at school and want to go back to school to bring my memories back to life, I know that it will also make me feel more real about how I will feel when I graduate. Although I know that the past is unbearable and people still need to face it calmly, I prefer to forget and dilute the worries of yesterday, which is why I will not be negative about tomorrow.

During the Chinese New Year, my mother raised the issue of marriage and I often remembered it, not because of marriage, but because of age, and after hearing that I should get married, the concept of age repeatedly appeared in my mind, which often made me feel deep fear. Growing older is always inadvertently surprising, and when we find out that we are getting older, age has actually reached a moment that makes us afraid. I have a very different outlook on life, I don't feel carefree anymore, it's a way to live in peace, I want to have a little bit of work, I'm old enough to plan for the future. I re-examine my old self, like standing outside looking at a dark cave, I can't see anything, but I can imagine the vast space inside, and the history hidden inside that belongs to another self.

I think the first thing to change is to make some money first, and since then I have felt - and for a long time felt that the strength of the desire to make money is the most intuitive reflection of a person's pursuit of life. I think of the class president surnamed Qian when I was in school, and I feel that he matured so many years earlier than me, and because of this, he is more intelligent than others, more able to see the essence of the world, and see the corners and corners that belong to our age that others will never see.

The first time I took the initiative to ask for a salary increase at work, I submitted a request for a salary increase to the course principal, and he said that he would give me an answer after three days, but after a week there was still no news. I wrote another letter to him and got the same reply from him. After a month passed, the salary increase was over. Finally, I listened to my friend's suggestion and hoped that the training course would give me insurance.

"We never hand over that stuff to teachers here," said the principal, half-lying on a reclining chair in his office, "and you can get your teaching certificate and teach in a regular school." ”

I have asked many colleagues privately, and they are all surprised by my requirements and ideas, and think that I am really unbelievable to make such a request to the leader. The reality is that the boss is a benefactor, he gives you a job, so that you have something to eat, and don't think about anything else.

"Private companies in this country. The colleague said, "There is no boss who strictly abides by the law." ”

New programs have been added to the training course, almost all art-related content is taught, and more teachers with artistic talents but not enough to eat have been hired. I had the idea of teaching piano lessons for another class to earn more, but in the end I felt that it was not worth giving up my precious time for that little money. The school recruited two piano teachers, one of whom was surnamed Liu, and one day we met in the elevator, and the elevator broke down and we were trapped inside, and she was so scared that she almost cried. I reassured her that there was nothing to be afraid of, and that help would arrive in a moment. Twenty minutes later, when they opened the elevator door, the elevator was stopped halfway between the fifth and sixth floors, and the rescuers pulled us up to the sixth floor through the crack in the door.

Once, when I went to the piano classroom when I wasn't in class, I saw that she was teaching the children the simple fingering of "Little Star", which reminded me of Qiu Pei, and I thought that Qiu Pei must have found a job teaching and educating people, and would definitely become a good teacher. Since then, I have often gone to the piano classroom, at first I thought that I just wanted to go to see the class, but after getting more and more times, I realized that I just wanted to find Qiu Pei's shadow from that classroom. One day after class, we walked out of the classroom together, and she asked me if I could play the piano when I went to her class often, and I lied to her that I didn't understand anything.

"Inside the elevator that day. She asked, "Aren't you afraid at all?"

"There's nothing to be afraid of. I said, "Besides, we have to have one of us to keep our composure." ”

I never thought that anything would happen to her, just regarded her as an ordinary colleague, and a year after I left this training class, I came back to her because I wanted to practice, and at that time she had already married once in a year, divorced once, and lived the life of a single piano teacher.

I have never regarded the work of the training course as a long-term solution, and I have always wanted to find a more promising job. By the time I worked there until the summer of my second year, I became more and more dissatisfied with the salary. The experience of that period of time made me feel refreshed, have a dream, and be determined to do something great. This dream came and went, but even so, it made me resolutely submit my second resignation report. The boss did not hesitate at all, and approved the resignation report without even reading it.