But the one who took me away from me always made me haunt me, and I knew that I would never know who she really was, so I could only try to find her feeling again from the one I met at the flower show. I took her to the house rented by the dancer who resembled Hai Linlin, and the dancer who looked like Hai Linlin would not let me go to her bed, and I did never go, but she had already left and never returned, so I no longer kept this promise, and I fell in love with the Neodymium man in her bed at the flower show. My finished painting was on the easel, and on several occasions, when we were in love, I went to look at the painting I had finished, and a man was sitting with his back to an old wall, with three paintings at his feet against the wall. I revised the man's appearance five times, and finally drew a bearded, unkempt, beggar-like man with a distant memory in his eyes—those eyes that I had been painting for five months. I met at a flower show|Neodymium people||In the process of falling in love, I felt that the eyes and the beard on the lips of the man in the painting moved, as if he was laughing at me for maturing too late, or trying to tell me something. At that moment, I suddenly felt like I hadn't really understood what I needed. I just knew I never wanted to paint, and I made a living drawing in the first few years of my graduation, and it wasn't until I joined the company that I got rid of painting completely. I might say that not painting for a living is my goal. But this goal is too broad, it is a concept of area, not a point. So when I really didn't make a living from painting, I still had doubts about the future, and I was in a state where I could get by, and the ambitions that once occasionally appeared in my mind were long gone. In the same way, there is also the shadow of Hai Linlin, in fact, it is an overly broad concept, when it appears as a life and an unwilling thing in life, and I am still depressed about it, caught up in the obsession of life, I actually never know what I need, I don't understand the real self, I don't hear the echo in the deepest part of my heart.

And the last painting I painted, the one that inspired me in the courtyard that had been torn down into ruins, and when I saw the eyes and beard of my fictional man on it, I knew I needed to make a revolutionary change. I was very happy with the painting, and I compared it to Hai Linlin's work, and although I thought that my painting was really good, the best one I had ever painted, I still felt that it was not as good as Hai Linlin's. It's just that that painting contains too many things that I want to express, and I decided to paint it because the desire to talk in my heart can only be expressed in painting, and my desire to talk makes me want to tell more people what I think in my heart. I asked the Neodymium man at the flower show to see what was so special about the painting, or what she could see from it. She climbed down from me and looked at the painting for a long time, saying that she thought she knew the man in the painting, but she couldn't remember where she had seen it.

I finally thought of Mr. Ou and the email he sent me, and I contacted Mr. Ou and told him that I had a painting that I wanted to exhibit and asked him to help me think of a way. He readily agreed, saying that he had been waiting for me to tell him about it, and that he would help me do it. Even though we were in the same city, I sent him the painting by mail, and he texted me after receiving the painting: "The painting has been received, I never doubted that you could paint at such a level." After the painting was sent to Mr. Ou, I completely left the room rented by the dancer who looked like Hai Linlin, and when I left, I didn't deal with anything, including the set of painting supplies, which was still there.

One afternoon not long after, Yingxiu called me to meet up. It was the second time I had seen him since I had seen him when I had returned to the city by the sea, and we were still at the same place as last time, and he had changed a lot from the last time I saw him, he was no longer so thin and weak, and he was wearing a well-fitting dress, his face was ruddy, his face was radiant, and he exuded a healthy temperament. It's just that this time he wasn't alone, there was also a |neodymium man|, Yingxiu introduced us to each other, and I learned that he was Yingxiu's new girlfriend, and he told me that he was about to marry her in Layue.

"I've always been because you're someone who won't get married. I said.

"I also always thought you were someone who wouldn't get married. He said, "I hope it's the same as you, it's just a misunderstanding." ”

He was already a wealthy man, earning 10 times as much a month as I was, and had just bought a luxury car, which he said was purely for business. When he finally drove away, he said to me that we are all young, and in the circle of the world, we have to consider our own adaptability, maybe everyone has their own philosophy of life, but we always have to face life.

In fact, since the year I returned to the city at the age of twenty-six, my mother first conveyed the concept of marriage to me, and since then, she has often mentioned things about my marriage, and the frequency and severity have increased year by year. Since I returned to the city, every year when I came home for the Spring Festival, my mother's main concern was not the festive atmosphere or family reunion, but my lifelong event. She called a pair of relatives to talk to me all day, as well as my married friends. It wasn't until the Spring Festival when I was twenty-nine years old that my mother was angry with me and I was so angry that I was trembling with anger, and she locked the door from the outside.

"Don't want to get out of this door until you get married," she cried.

I took advantage of the darkness to climb over the wall and walked fifteen kilometers in the dark, and I was deeply impressed by the peculiar cold of the New Year's night, and the sun had just risen when I arrived at the county station. Sitting on the bus back to the city, the sun shining through the ice flakes on the window, I scratched the ice flakes with my fingernails, looked at the receding scenery outside, and remembered my mother's reaction when she knew that I had escaped over the wall. Thinking of the wrinkles that the years had carved on her face, she was bitter when she advised me to get married quickly, as if she had done something wrong and was begging for my forgiveness. Every time the car was far away from home, the guilt and self-blame in my heart deepened, until finally I cried in the car for what I had done, and it turned out that I could be so selfish to do such a decisive job for a son.

Up to that point, I still had no concept of marriage in my life, and although my classmates, colleagues, and friends were all of marriageable age, and many of them were surprised to learn that I was not married in my thirties, I still felt that marriage was far away. The only time I thought about my own marriage-related affair involved Hai Linlin was when we were talking with our backs to the radiator after painting her portrait in the school studio, and I wondered if I would walk into the marriage hall with her and all the possible scenarios. And since then, the concepts of marriage have disappeared from the dictionary of my life and life, and I never thought of them again until I was mentioned by my mother at the age of twenty-six, but that was only a fleeting moment, and I never took it to heart. I have never formed the idea that people must get married, and I have always been criticized by my relatives and friends for being immature and cynical, in their eyes, I have been distorted by art, and a lot of reading has not made me rational and loving, but has been brainwashed by crooked thoughts, and has become strange and cruel.

For a while, I have been thinking about the meaning of marriage and the purpose of marriage, for what reason and for what purpose people get married, and for what reason people think that they have to get married if they are human, and that marriage is incomplete without life. I do academic research to solve this doubt in my mind. During those days, I borrowed all kinds of materials from the largest library in the city, and bought various papers and literature references on marriage, ethics, philosophy, politics, and society from the Internet, hoping to solve my doubts, and the most important reason was that I hoped that I could be persuaded by a certain theory and return to the life values of normal people, like the people of the world, thinking that people must get married, so as to step into a normal life, so that all those who care about me will not worry about me. But the effect is very small, the more I see, the more in-depth I study, the more I feel the chicken nature of marriage, and the more I feel that marriage should not exist in human life. I told Yingxiu what I thought.

"If there is no marriage. I said, "The progress of human civilization can be at least a few hundred years faster." ”

I always thought that he always had some views of life above the average person, and I was confident that he would praise my views, but I didn't expect him to criticize me, saying that I was purely vexatious, and that I thought of one thing after another. Then he said how positive marriage has played in the stability of human society, and more importantly, how the continuation of human fireworks has reduced the foundation of marriage. When marriage disappears, it is the end of humanity.

I refuted his point of view, I proved my point of view, and I knew that he was the only one who might admit my point of view, and I could only get it from him, so that I wouldn't feel alone. I tried my best to explain to him that the most fundamental purpose of marriage is sex, and the reason why people get married is to be able to live a life openly and honestly, without having to be sneaky, and now, people have long lost this concept, and marriage is just a cultural inertia of human beings. Human beings do not have a long life, they need to spend too much time on maintaining the stability of family and marriage, and if there is no marriage, human beings can focus more on their own work, so that social civilization can progress faster. As for the continuation of human fireworks, the division of labor of human beings is becoming more and more refined and clear, and the corresponding social system will be accompanied by the corresponding social culture.

He was dumbfounded, and looked at me as if he knew me for the first time: "It's hard to believe that these words are coming from the mouth of a |Chu Yan|." ”

I couldn't convince him in the end, and I felt lonely and abandoned by the whole world, and I began to reflect on what I might have done wrong. I started looking for answers from the women I had come into contact with, I had met so many women that I hadn't counted them myself, and the only thing I was proud of was that I didn't get entangled with one of them or cause someone between them to feel sad, and I don't think anyone could be as perfect as I am. What I enjoy more is the feeling of freedom when I am with them, whether it is love or marriage, there is always happiness and burden, and there is no burden and any pressure at all with them. I think it is perhaps this subtlety that makes me miss the relationship and the relationship between a man and a woman without thinking about any outcome, which ultimately leads to my resistance to marriage.