He committed suicide at home with a gun, no one knew where the gun came from, the gun was with a silencer, and no one heard the sound. The bullet went through his mouth, came out of the back of his head, bounced off the wall a few times before falling into a pair of shoes worn by his son, who had died of an illness ten years earlier.

Everything seemed to be predestined, I was 28 years old that year, I was still a real virgin, I had never been in love, and I had always been like a jade. In this age when I was still a virgin and was about to be ridiculed at the age of twenty-eight or nine, I still maintained my thoughts that seemed old and strange to outsiders. It always made me ashamed to tell anyone, but I was proud of my self-discipline and principles in my heart. When people ask me how many girlfriends I've talked to, this shyness disappears again, and I'm not afraid to let anyone know. I always tell them that I've never been in a relationship, and when they ask me if I'm a virgin, I grin and tell them my truest self: "I've always been like a jade." ”

I graduated in this city, left this city because of memories, and finally returned to this city because of memories, and seemed to stay in this city forever, abandoning the youthful frivolity when I graduated, leaving only the seeds of love that sprouted in my heart because of little and no more, as if indelible. I had just returned from the city by the sea, and all the money I earned paid off my foreign debts during the gap period from work, and I was shy in my pocket, and my monthly money was just enough to pay the rent and three meals a day. Occasionally, if there is a surplus, it will be used to buy books, or save in the bank, trying to save a large sum, and then buy a house, join the circle of normal people's life, and be recognized by mainstream values.

The night before I received the news of his suicide, I went to the Black Dance Hall for the first time under the leadership of Yingxiu. That evening, Yingxiu and I walked most of the way along the moat, and when we were at the north gate, we each leaned against a pier next to the gate, which was fixed there hundreds of years ago, and after all the vicissitudes of life, it seemed to be waiting for us to approach. Yingxiu pointed to the north and said to me, "Yuqi, there is a black dance hall in front, go and play." I looked in the direction of his finger, and the street stretched straight ahead into the end, full of traffic and dappled lights. Regarding the Black Dance Hall, I heard Yingxiu mention it twice, about the Black Dance that can be "touched" for ten yuan inside. On both occasions, he urged me to go with him and show me the world. I turned him down, all because I was still a virgin.

It was a summer night, and Yingxiu encouraged me to go for the third time. He is my best friend, and he has always taught me to keep up with the times and not to be abandoned by society. Life is short, people have to face all kinds of things every day, all kinds of dangers, car accidents, diseases, and even open a computer must be careful not to be electrocuted, and being alive is a miracle in itself. Let go of your hands and feet, play openly, and get rid of the shackles, so as not to live up to life. His thinking was strangely ten centuries ahead of its time—high-end, advanced, and unattainable. I've never contradicted him, and I've never identified with him – it's a great pleasure to have a good friend in life who has a different philosophy of life.

But I didn't refuse him that night, not because his persuasion worked, but because the vicissitudes of the pier made me feel that everything had to change.

The black dance hall was located on the east side of North Gate Street, and an elderly middle-aged woman sat in the doorway, with a stack of tickets on a painted table in front of her. Yingxiu spent twenty yuan to buy two tickets, I was nervous, I knew that I was going to see a completely unfamiliar world, and the moment I entered the door, I was afraid that people would see me enter such a place. The smell of smoke was thick inside, and the black dance was going on, and I couldn't see my fingers. The people who sold drinks at the door followed us all the way, and Yingxiu was familiar with the road and knew how to cleverly reject them. Yingxiu took me to sit on the bench in the back row, where I didn't have to buy drinks that cost three times as much as outside.

It was a paradise for those who had nothing to do at night, and the poor would have fun here after work, and they could invite a dancer to a black light dance for only ten dollars. In the dark environment, customers can get up and down their hands, do whatever they want, meet a talkative dancer, and even touch the place. I looked into the darkness in front of me, and although I couldn't see anything, I knew what was going on inside.

The lights gradually brightened, the music became faster, and a couple of men and women walked out of the dance floor, some women were arranging their skirts, or through thin T-shirts. Some men began to zip up their pants or take money out of their pockets and hand it to the dancers. The dancers come out of the dance floor and stand in a row, waiting for the customers who fancy them to take them onto the dance floor to dance a black light dance.

Yingxiu stood up and told me that he was going to go and then pick up the dancers. That row of dancing girls. There were a few quite beautiful ones inside, some of them were scantily dressed, and even their heads were exposed. I don't have any aversion to that, and I don't mind looking at their naked flesh a few more times. I saw that Yingxiu picked out a girl, who was wearing light makeup, had a well-proportioned figure, and was wearing a short skirt and a low-cut T-shirt, which was very good-looking. Seeing Yingxiu staring at her, she smiled charmingly at Yingxiu. The lights gradually dimmed, Yingxiu took the girl's hand and walked into the dance floor, Yingxiu hugged the girl in front of her, and slowly swayed until the lights were completely dimmed......

After the lights came back on, I stood up and quickly scanned the audience, looking for Yingxiu. I saw him and the girl get off the dance floor, and Yingxiu took money out of her pocket and gave it to the girl. After that, he came back to me, and I asked him, "How do you feel?"

He held out the middle and ring fingers of his right hand and raised them in front of my nose: "You sniff." ”

I tilted my head in disgust to avoid his hand.

He moved his butt to the front of the seat so that he could half lie on the backrest as much as possible, lit a cigarette, took a deep breath, and then exhaled deeply, put his neck on the back of the seat, raised his head and looked at the ceiling, as if he was talking to the ceiling, and seemed to be talking to himself: "Yu Qi, our kind of dick can only come to this kind of place to play, no money." After saying that, he took another puff of cigarette, and his body was limp as if he had just smoked a drug, not a cigarette.

I didn't answer him, he turned to me and said, "You are a good person, you are too decent, and you can't show your hands and feet, and you don't have enough fun." He took a puff on his cigarette and paused, and then said, "However, you are just very interesting, and I can't have fun with you, but I think it's very interesting to be with you...... How to say it, huh...... It's hard to say anyway. ”

After another black dance, a couple of men and women came out of the dance floor, and a girl with long hair attracted me. She was receiving a $20 bill from her dance partner. By that time, the ballroom was fully lit, and she had stepped out of the dance floor through a gap not far from me, and I could see that it was a $20 bill. She rubbed the corners of the bill a few times with her hand to distinguish the authenticity, and then put the money in the pocket on the butt of her skinny jeans. When she got out of that gap on the dance floor, she turned sideways, and from this angle I could see that the proportions of her thighs and ass outlined by her skinny jeans were very beautiful. I saw her standing in the row of dancers, waiting for her customers to take her to the dance floor when the lights were dark.

What attracted me even more was her looks, she looked so much like Hai Linlin - especially the hair on her forehead. The girl in the ballroom has long shawl hair, and when most women have shawl hair, the hair on her forehead hangs down to the sides of her head, and the hair on her forehead goes back, so that the hair on her forehead is very thick, revealing a very explicit sexiness.

I've always remembered the name Helenlin, it's a secret I've kept in my heart, I've never told anything about it, and I don't even think the story about it is known to me and Helen - and I'm sure she didn't tell anyone else. This secret is also like a treasure buried in the deepest part of my heart, and from time to time I will bury my head and look at my heart, confirming that this treasure has not been stolen, but I am also deeply worried that the key to open this treasure will rust in the long run, so that I can no longer open these treasures.

Hai Linlin — the name I saw from the graduation album next door when I was about to graduate — was the name I was looking for.