That day, I was sitting in the library reading in a state of confusion after hitting a wall looking for an internship. I grabbed a hardcover copy of Faust from the shelf, and as I flipped through the pages, I was caught in the cracks of a few pages in the book, and I flipped to that place in one fell swoop. It was three folded pages of A4 paper, and when it was unfolded was a letter, the handwriting of which I knew very well, and I had seen it in Hai Linlin's notebook. Many long drag pens, vertical drawings are relatively long, from heavy to light, and the tip of the pen is exposed. I could tell with precision just the handwriting that it was written by Hai Linlin—a letter to me.

The letter was untitled, unsigned.

I was very hesitant to write this letter to you, but finally I decided to write it, and as for how to write it to you, I also thought of some way, and I began to want to put the letter on the portrait you painted for me, but I felt that it was inappropriate, so that if people looked deeper, they would know who wrote it to whom. Finally I decided to put the letter in a book, and you said you were going to try to memorize Faust and like to read hardcovers. I looked around in the library, and there was only a hardcover copy of Faust, and after determining how to give the letter to you, I decided to write this letter.

As for why I didn't write to you in person, I think you must know part of the reason, and of course, some of the reasons you don't know about me.

First of all, I'm sorry for what happened that day, my apologies are very sincere. I told you I misremembered the time, and I didn't lie to you, I did remember the wrong time, and that's true. That week, we had Tuesday and Wednesday classes, and after the graduation fair, I rarely remembered the day of the week, and I remember the most accurate day of the month, and I think you must be like that. So, I mistakenly thought it was Tuesday. On the way back to the dormitory, I saw you sitting on that bench with frost on your hair and eyebrows, and at first I was just surprised and surprised. It wasn't until I helped you into the dormitory that I realized that the night before was our agreed time to meet.

At the moment I understood, I was very self-reproachful, I felt that any apologetic words to you were not enough to express my regret and apology, and there were outsiders present at the time, and I didn't want to say some words.

I've remembered you since the first time you helped me get a painting, but I just thought you were an enthusiastic classmate, and I also thought it was a little strange that you were alone in such an empty exhibition space so late.

Later, I often saw you on the way to breakfast, and I was even more impressed by you. As time went on, I began to wonder if you were deliberately on that part of the road at those points. Seeing the wandering eyes you sometimes greet me, I am even more suspicious. You may feel like you're not revealing anything, but when you deliberately hide something, you tend to expose yourself more thoroughly.

At that time, I thought you were a very funny and very timid person. I sometimes wonder if you'll go any further, but when I see the timidity and restraint you show when you meet me, I'm sure you never will. At least until then, I had never felt anything else about you, you didn't have the slightest bit of what I expected of a boyfriend, and of course, I wasn't sure if you meant that way to me at the time.

It's just a polite way to greet you at the book, and although you didn't notice me at the time, I think it's right to say hello to you, and your location is indeed a good place to read and study. From the library to later painting together in the studio, my feelings about you have changed a lot, and you are not as timid as I thought at first. I also understand that your timidity is not due to timidity, but because of a deeper feeling of love. Therefore, in the subsequent interactions, you showed profound and wise, calm and passionate, which made me feel very different about you, and if in the end I did not have a good impression of you, it would be absolutely self-defeating.

But it wasn't until after the events of that morning that my good feelings for you were gone. It was fundamentally my fault, and I think I'll blame myself for it for a long time. I know where you've been waiting all night, and I'm so touched by it, and I don't think I've ever been so moved by anything in my life before. But with that comes a great fear – the fear of you. In such a long night, you could have called me to ask about the situation, but you didn't, but waited for a night with strong perseverance and dedication to love. You must also think that I am rejecting you in another way, and I believe that your method of speculation is not out of love will, but out of self-esteem, and your attachment to self-esteem will dissipate your desire for love.

But these are definitely not the main reasons why I completely lost my affection for you, these are just your character. Besides, after all, you waited like that for one night, and your love is undoubted, if it were just that, I would have a better impression of you until I fell in love with you.

When you left, I said I had something to tell you, and you didn't look back and said that you were sleepy, and at that moment, I knew that I would not have anything to do with you anymore.

I know what you were thinking when you saw me and a boy at the same time, and you must have thought that I had broken my promise with you and spent the night out with a person of the opposite sex. I'll tell you the truth now. That boy was my high school classmate, and the night before, because of graduation, a few classmates who were passing through the city and classmates in the city had a party, and I didn't go back to the dormitory after the party, and I shared a room with a high school girl in the evening. There are still classes in the English class the next day, so I need to go back early to prepare. The boy wanted to give it to me, and I didn't say yes at first, but he insisted on it—you might think he liked me, maybe, but he always treated me with courtesy, and there was nothing between us.

I was going to explain this to you at the time, I know what you're thinking, I don't want to be wronged by you. But seeing that you don't even want to listen, I don't think it's necessary to explain anything to you, especially when I texted you to ask you to come out to tell you the truth of the matter, and the text message you replied to was even more chilling, and you have made me completely discouraged. If we analyze it more deeply, you can't help but admit that you like me, but what is the relationship between you and me? We're not a couple, we're just friends, so you don't have a right to show that kind of indignation and disgust when you see me coming back with other members of the opposite sex in the morning, do you?

I've always been clean and friendly, and I haven't intentionally hurt anyone, but your indignation and attitude hurt me deeply, and I felt insulted for misunderstanding me, and you thought I didn't feel anything at that time, no, that humiliating feeling made me want to cry, but I held back.

I have had a youthful life, and I also hope to have love, but there is no opposite sex that can make me have the urge to fall in love. There have been boys who have liked me before, but I have directly refused, because I am full of respect for love, and I will never be ambiguous, if it doesn't work, it won't work. You're the first boy I have a crush on, but unfortunately I don't have a crush on it now. He's also the boy I've spent the most time with, and before you, I hadn't even been alone with a boy.

What happened that day, in the final analysis, was my fault, and I misremembered the time, which caused that situation. I know you've been hurt and will probably not recover for a long time, so maybe it would have been better if you had read this letter sooner.

From the moment I received your reply to my text message, I didn't think about seeing you or contacting you anymore, and as for your misunderstanding of me, I don't think it mattered. But after thinking about it for a while, I felt it was necessary to explain to you that I don't want to be misunderstood by someone who doesn't have much to do with me for the rest of my life, and then my feelings of being insulted will be even worse.

And that portrait, I haven't been to that studio since I got your text reply, I don't want to see that painting at all, that painting was made by you with my brush, I even threw the brush away because I don't want to see anything related to you anymore. I guess it doesn't belong to either of us, and I hope you'll dispose of it properly - if it's still in the studio, I'm sure you've never been to it again.

I didn't write a title or a signature on this letter, and if you see it, that's fine. If you don't see it or are seen by others, it doesn't matter, no one knows what this letter is about except you and me, just take it as fate.

Once again, I would like to express my deep apologies for what happened that day, and I hope you can recover from your pain quickly. Hope to see you with this letter.

The letter was also undated at the end, and it was nearly three full pages. Hai Linlin's handwriting is neat, and even the punctuation is very standard. That would take her to write for a while. I think the letter was probably written the day after the text I replied to her, or the day after that, but it never dragged on the third day. So this letter has been in this book for two months, and it is difficult to determine whether anyone else has seen it, and there is a month of winter vacation in between, but as she said in the letter, others do not know what the letter is about. As for the studio mentioned in the letter, no one except a few students went there. I think if Mr. Ou saw this letter, he might think of me and Hai Linlin, but he never went to the library.

When I finished reading the letter, the sun was shining outside the window, and the smell of spring seemed to melt into the quiet library through the glass. I looked out the window at the sun and felt much calmer, I had never felt what a normal state of mind was like since that cold and bitter night, I had almost forgotten what it was like to live without any thoughts or pain, and I even felt that I would never be able to jump out of the trap I had fallen into.