When I woke up, I refreshed Weibo and suddenly saw a news that I couldn't believe, given that celebrities are often killed, so at that time I thought it must be fake news, just like April Fool's Day when I saw my brother die.

So I refreshed it again, and clicked into the hot search, the reality hit me in the face, I never felt that the slap in the face could be so numb, not painful, but a kind of numbness.

For a pseudo-fan and pseudo-shake like me, it is too heavy to say that it hurts, although I should be like those in the social circle on such a sad day, I should be as heartbroken, painful, and tearful as those in the social circle regret the death of my idol, post an affectionate monologue on Weibo, with a photo of him alive and a candle, rub the hot spot, and do a memorial sadness.

But I didn't feel too sad because I didn't listen to Linkin Park songs, which should have been years.

And I thought that he was just out of time, forever fixing himself in the process of falling from glory downward, and not having a chance to fall to the bottom.

There's nothing to be sorry about, it's good to be alive, and leaving this world is a different option.

Although somewhat irresponsible, everyone has the right to choose their own path.

Today, on this special day, I suddenly remembered that the band that used to make my blood boil, play games on a loop as war songs, and open the car window to play their music loudly, is old.

I think back when I was in college, I had a roommate who liked to play guitar in the dormitory, and he took my CD player to play Nirvana, Gunhua and Bon Jovi in the dormitory.

So I got into a fight with my roommate and deprived him of the right to use my CD player, and the whole world was cleared.

Until I accidentally heard the song "don't cry" that is the least gunflower, so it became a loyal crowd of pop rock, as for Zhang Chu, He Yong, Beyond, and Black Panther, they were directly jumped over, and a large part of the reason must be attributed to my roommate holding the guitar in the corridor of the dormitory building every day, shouting loudly: "In the crowd, there are you and me!", "Oh! Sister, I want to go home, hold my hand, I'm a little sleepy!"

Part of the reason was the anger from rock 'n' roll natively, when I thought the lyrics of domestic rock music were all plain and straightforward like fists stuffed directly into your head, such as "My love is naked!", "I want people to see me, but they don't know who I am." I just want to see how beautiful you are, but I don't want to know that you're suffering. ”

Such lyrics are a strange poison point for me, who claims to be very fond of literature, so I am naturally insensitive to domestic rock, as for English songs, I can't understand what to sing anyway, listening to the beautiful melody and listening to the hoarse sadness is enough to satisfy my not very picky ears.

At the end of the day, I couldn't listen to punk, metal, or garbage at that time, because I wasn't very angry, I was just a mediocre young man who had no pursuits, and who was waiting to die.

Listening to Bang Jovi's "it's my life", or "I'll Be There for You", I feel different from others, tall enough, of course, when eating spicy tang with beautiful MMs, I will definitely say that I like gun flowers and nirvana.

As for Chinese pop music, Faye Wong is all learning cranberries, Beyond, Xu Wei or something belong to pseudo-rocking, of course a rock veteran like me is disdainful, you see pretend B is everywhere, these big names have unfortunately become my weapon to show off different.

Later, I formed a band with the classmate who loved to play the guitar, he was responsible for writing the melody, and I was responsible for writing the lyrics, and I wrote a few fleshy love songs within "light a cigarette, spit out the smoke ring, and the past scene resurfaced".

Surprisingly popular with the girls in the class, so with a strong love for beautiful girls, I began to practice the drum kit, the goal is to play a gorgeous solo in the "Master Kong Iced Tea" campus band competition in the near future, for which I also specially bought a set of expensive clothes, brand: G-star, which was undoubtedly very high-end in that era when Adidas and Nike were still popular.

I clearly remember that at that time, a pair of jeans from G-star cost 698 yuan, and at that time, the living expenses of ordinary college students were only 800, and the vast majority of them in our school were only 500, which was enough to support my self-confidence.

However, to my surprise, it ended very sadly, because I was quite poor in drumming, I was changed by a professional drummer, and the outfit I bought was borrowed by my roommate and put on stage.

I said goodbye to my short rock career this way.

Later, when I went abroad, I was exposed to more people, more music, and more worlds, which allowed me to spend a long time of being sensual and singing, singing and doing nothing at night.

The whole world is running forward so fast that I don't have time to think, of course, I am intoxicated with blind glitz and luxury, I naturally can't think, and enjoy life according to animal instincts.

After returning home, bars, KTV, beautiful girls, dancing, singing, beautiful girls.

I was in my city, I rolled down the window of my car, and Linkin Park's "NUMB" and "In the End" were playing so loudly, and I drove away from the downtown area, and I didn't tell the girls what music I liked, what books I liked to read.

I told them about fashion brands, told them what Rei Kawakubo was, what Alexander McQueen was, showed off the vanity that the bourgeoisie had taught me, talked about my experiences abroad, and didn't forget to laugh at myself and complain about how simple my love experience was.

I'm not wrong, the animals in the lower body are all pure, and the simple ones only need the lower body.

My friends and I were racing on the deserted lakeside highway with "In the End", the girl in the co-pilot screamed, my adrenaline pumped, and the sound of the engine exploded on the empty lake, and it was another beautiful night.

At that time, I thought that life was all about making money and enjoying myself, realizing false ambitions, and going to the most beautiful girl, and the second best thing was to find a place in society and marry a wife who could make me stable.

Life is like ice cubes in a wine glass, which seem to be crystal clear, but in fact, no one knows whether the water frozen into ice cubes is full of bacteria.

At that time, I thought that I would live this life carefree and heartless, as for dreams or something, I used to have them, but in reality it doesn't matter, and I don't live well without it?

Until one day, I drank every day, picked up girls every day, and took girls to experience speed and passion every day, so I encountered the most unexpected face of death in my life.

My friend's car overturned when cornering, about 100 mph, he drove a modern Cool, in that era when there were no cars, this sports car was his pickle girl's weapon, desperately stepping on the brakes, watching the blue-green trot roll in front of me, smashed on the steps of the flower bed, and smashed on the willow trees by the lake, like a scene of a special effects blockbuster.

I woke up drunk.

Covered in a cold sweat.

Fortunately, the person did not hang, miraculously only slightly injured, but the vehicle was scrapped, and the traffic police said: "Thanks to the willow tree to resist the impact, otherwise it would have fallen into the lake, and the consequences would have been unimaginable....."

Since then, I haven't been to a bar much, I haven't been driving a fast car, I have to wear a seat belt when I get in the car, and I have become a good boy who obeys the traffic rules, and my life has really been up and down without warning.

Still, I didn't realize what life and time meant to me, and I just carefully avoided the eyes of death.

Later, my uncle got ALS, yes, it was Hawking's disease, but his luck was not as red as Hawking, the virus began to attack from the head, he first lost the ability to speak, and then slowly lost the ability to move, the virus ate away at his body step by step, trapping his soul in it and unable to move.

The onset of the disease was very fast, and in less than a year, he even needed help from others to turn over in bed, let alone go to the toilet, but the problem was that his consciousness was extremely clear, and even his memory would be clearer than before.

The scary thing is that he can't do it even if he wants to.

I can't imagine what it was like to be tortured.

It's really unimaginable.

In this way, after five years, under the double torture of mind and body, my uncle finally left this world.

I didn't dare to go to see him when he was sick, it was too cruel, and when he died, I was relieved for him.

Such an end is undoubtedly a relief.

People always have to die, this is undoubtedly nonsense, but we are young and we are always not able to realize this, no matter what way, death is always so close to us, so close that you are difficult to notice.

We always say that life is like a countdown, but we only say it symbolically, and we never feel that it is a big sin to waste time. We live in our own world, spending time by getting by, losing sight of our own spiritual aspirations, and ignoring the dreams we once wanted to pursue.

We are burdened with houses that we don't need at all, and we consume our expensive youth for unworthy mortgages and car loans.

We always thought that there was still time, that we had to achieve financial freedom first, so we lost the opportunity to see MJ's concert, and we never had the chance to hear Chester's screams in person again.

We insist on boring work, just to fill our stomachs, find a wife, and have children.

Is this the meaning of life?

I didn't think so, so I started chasing dreams in front of the computer that I had long forgotten.

Hopefully you can too.

While you are young, there are still dreams.