Note: I've been a little tired in every way lately, so I'm going to write something a little more casual. Pen, fun, pavilion www. biquge。 info is more precisely something without an outline. I liked "Infinite Unreality" so much that I would imitate its style in a volume. As is customary, my novels have nothing to do with the book except for the similarity of style. So people who don't know this book don't need to care.

I was drinking coffee on the second floor when I noticed the girl. Although it is said to be drinking coffee, it is actually different from what most people imagine. When I walked into the shop, no one reacted to my arrival, except for the annoying trivial sound of the glass door opening and closing. The waiter walked between the seats, handing out the menu to the guests with a patterned smile, but ignored me. The sedent customers were scattered among the oversized storefronts, chatting and laughing quietly, and they didn't notice me.

It's like being isolated.

I can't help but think back to my high school days. In my vaguely retraceable memories, I was often in such an awkward role. I was never named by the teacher in class, my classmates never interacted with me, and even the desks didn't belong in any row, in any column - that's my normal state. My seat was at the back of the classroom, near the wall. Even though there was still a long way to go from the seats in front of me and the others, I was still sitting at the base of the wall. It's a proof that I'm a superfluous presence in this class. If my classmates talk to me, they either have to communicate with me in any transactional way, or they want to verbally attack me with dissatisfaction.

Occasionally, there will be people who are curious about me, and they have to muster the necessary courage to talk to me. Because they were afraid of being treated the same way I was: textbooks had their covers torn off, their shoes had their laces cut off, and the locks of their cabinets had been broken so that they could never be closed. You will never find out who did these things, and no one will ever find out. Teachers don't check, they don't bother to do that kind of troublesome thing. I also don't want to figure it out, because I know it's "the whole class" that is hurting me. It's like being on duty in the class, and every day someone is chosen to do this kind of thing to me. This pattern was discussed by the rest of the class under the leadership of the class leader when I left the noon classroom to eat. It's a bit ridiculous that some misbehaving students will run away from duty, but no one will give up on doing this kind of "prank" on me. It's better to say that the worse the student, the more energetic it is. But they are very clever and do things right, and they don't cross that line - they can't let me get hurt, because the wound is very difficult to deal with, and the scar will cause unnecessary trouble; Can't make me cry, if I do, it will get bigger.

In order to make this group of children of the same age more united, or to put it more grandly, for the sake of the class, there must always be someone in a role like me. For me, this is considered "being bullied". But for others, attacking me is an effective way to vent stress and improve identity. People become united when they have a common enemy and enjoy a common secret. I saw this very clearly at a very early age. Most of the reason why I am in a state of "being bullied" is of course personal, I am not gregarious, my expression is always dark, I don't seem to have a smart brain, and I am very slow in terms of movement. But if I wasn't being bullied, it would just be the rest of the class being bullied. Occasionally, when I silently drink a drink that suddenly can't find a cap, I feel a small sense of pride: fortunately I am the one who was being bullied, not the villain who bullied others. This last dignity of being a human being supported me through my school days, and after entering the society, people are no longer bothered to do such boring things to me.

So, why am I in this isolated situation again?

I sat down at the table and pressed the bell for the attendant, but no one came. I walked up to the waiter and asked the front desk lady, but no one answered. If it is done near someone's table, and it feels like those customers are talking to someone else's world, they just come over indifferently and continue chatting. The look looked like he was looking at a rag or a roll of tissues. At the end, I grabbed the waiter's hand and asked him to add a cup of white coffee to the trackpad of the order. When the coffee was brought over, he looked at me alternately with the trackpad in his hand as if he felt that something was wrong with the machine. As soon as I took the coffee, the waiter immediately left my sight like a rewound cog and didn't charge me. By ignoring me, he is back on track with his work, which is a great way to congratulate.

I moved my seat and sat down by the window, watching the rain pouring outside. Since everyone is ignoring me, no one will care if I move the seats in the store at will. When I realized that my actions were a very childish revenge, a sigh still poured out of my mouth. The coffee in this shop looks very good, with a strong aroma and a pleasant color. On this bitterly cold and rainy day, it is quite a blessing to be able to drink such a hot drink. But when I sipped on my coffee, I felt like I wanted to cry. I am reminded of what a senior said: If you want something to eat, just go to the convenience store and get it. It's best not to go out of your way to a restaurant or café. The first time I heard that, I didn't understand what it meant. Now I've figured out that if I'm at a convenience store, I just need to pick what I need and throw the money at the counter. There's no need to communicate, and you don't feel left out. I never expected to be noticed, and I didn't get hurt in the end.

Why didn't I listen to my seniors?

You have to stubbornly come to such a crowded place, stubbornly find warmth that does not belong to you, stubbornly get hurt, and then stubbornly cry silently. Am I a fool? I really want to remember the face of my predecessor, he is one of the few people who has a kind attitude towards me like this, but I can't remember it. The seniors also said: don't remember me, you will soon forget it anyway. Either I forgot you, or you forgot me. His words became a reality, and I forgot about him. Whether it's the warmth of his voice, the stiff-looking smile, or the crumpled suit, all these details are fading and fading. Only what he said I remembered, because what he said was very useful. It might be despicable to think about it this way - I've forgotten all the parts of my predecessors that couldn't be squeezed out of value.

Overwhelmed by my self-loathing, I looked out the window, and that's when I noticed the girl. A girl who looks like a high school student is wearing a school uniform and standing alone in the rain. She didn't have an umbrella, and she was rightfully turned into a soup chicken. The long black hair sticks to his face like seaweed, which is more funny than indecent. One of the straps of the schoolbag she was carrying was broken, and her clothes looked like they had been cut, with many gaps. When I saw this, I understood that she might be a bullied child like me.

But that's not what worries me the most. The girl was standing alone in the rain, she didn't go forward, she didn't have the idea of sheltering from the rain. The black-blue sailor suit became darker when it got wet, making it look like a mourning suit. Allowed by the rain, the determination to give up on himself can be conveyed to me through the glass window. What's even more bizarre is that she was washed by the heavy rain and shivered from the cold, but no one stepped forward to help. This is a relatively prosperous commercial street, and even when it rains, there are many people with umbrellas hurrying by. The office worker, dressed heavily in moisture, held an umbrella as if he were carrying some heavy object, and the water falling from the edge of the umbrella was dripping on the girl's head. A delivery man in a raincoat passed the girl on a motorcycle and a raincoat, and the splashes of water fell on the girl's chest. The man who blocked his head with his briefcase and rushed forward deftly bypassed the girl standing in the rain, without even looking at her.

Everyone ignored her, just as everyone ignored me. I couldn't see the girl's face from my vantage point, but I could feel an indescribable sadness and loneliness emanating from her back. I seem to be able to relate to the cold she endured. I involuntarily stood up, and the chair slid on the floor as if it was about to bounce off, making a loud noise. For a moment, everyone in the coffee shop stopped talking and looked over. The waiter, the counter lady and the customer, they all fell silent for a moment. It was the same weight of silence I experienced when I walked into the classroom in high school. They looked over, but I knew they weren't looking at me, they were looking at chairs. They wondered why the chair suddenly slid on the floor. Then, as if they didn't care about it, they started talking again.

I stiffened my gaze at the coffee cup on the table, which was not only running out of coffee, but also cold. I looked around and saw a man in a gray coat talking and laughing with the people around me, and the hot black tea he had ordered had just been served. I've accosted him before, but he's looking at me with the same expression as if he were staring at an object. I took a few steps, picked up the black tea on his table, and threw down some trivial change.

"I'm sorry."

Even if I spoke, he wouldn't be able to hear me. The man's surprised expression quickly turned into distress, the kind of expression of innocence that is commonly used in social interactions.

"Oh, I was trying to order, but I forgot to tell the waiter. Now it seems that only my things are not on it, don't you look like a fool? ”

"What, then hurry up and place another order with the waiter. Isn't it nice to delay your lunch break with rain as an excuse? ”

"Yes, but my change is actually a bit ......, Miss Ryoko, can you. Eh, how can I have coins on my pants? Is this luck? ”

"Really, when did it happen. And it ended up in a very strange place! ”

"Ah, Miss Ryoko cares about something crooked!"

"That's cute, isn't it?"

"I'm sick of it!"

The conversation behind me has nothing to do with me anymore. I walked out of the glass door, still with the cups in the store. According to common sense, such an act is quite a failure. But for some reason, I suddenly had a thrill of relief. Walking up the stairs to the first floor, I almost fell on the floor. But fortunately, a shared umbrella was found on the shelf at the entrance of the building. The standard umbrella has a black exterior that looks heavy and sad, but it is not so much just right for this situation. I picked up two handfuls and walked out of the building. The smell of rain came to my face, with some grassy smell, but it didn't make people feel uncomfortable. I opened my umbrella, walked over to the girl, and handed her the black tea in my hand. What I did was as simple as that, but I felt stiff and my face tense. I remembered the smile that my predecessors had shown me at that time, but the memories fell into nothingness.

The girl turned around and looked at me. Even though I'm probably older, girls can look at me at the same level, which makes me feel a little inferior to my height. In addition, her face looks quite upright, and her eyes are also very sharp. That look was like a bayonet, not only stabbing everyone who came near her, but also hurting herself. I'm being stung by the girl's rejection of people thousands of miles away.

The rain fell into the black tea in the girl's hand.

"That...... Let's hurry up and drink it. Drink it hot to warm up......"

"Can you see me?"

There was no respect in the girl's words, she just stated in a blunt tone what looked like a question sentence and a declarative sentence.

"Can you see...... Probably. I don't know why, but my tone weakened halfway through, "All in all, drink it quickly." Then take this umbrella. ”

The umbrella I handed out lay in the middle of the road. Cars and motorcycles skimmed past us and they all deftly avoided us. Pedestrians also turn a blind eye to our actions, just as we are air. The girl seemed to notice this, and a smile appeared on her face that could hardly be described as kind.

"What the hell, it's the same as you. No wonder you can see me. ”

I couldn't respond to that smile, and the girl quickly tightened her face again.

"I don't need an umbrella, and you don't want to protect me from the rain."

As she said this, the girl took a step back and stepped out of my umbrella. The rain fell on her again, and she threw her head back and sucked it as if she wanted to drink it. It seems that she seems to be like the rain that likes to wash away the dirty air of the city compared to the hot black tea I gave her. When I think about it, I feel a little hurt in my heart. But the girl didn't give me the cup back, or threw it away. From that point of view, she doesn't seem to particularly hate me. But that's not the problem, the girl obviously doesn't know anything yet, and I have to tell her.

"Please, please take this umbrella!"

I tried to speak in a slightly stronger tone, and the girl responded with a cold gaze.

"Are you sympathetic to me?"

"No, that. An umbrella is a must......"

"I told you, I don't need to. I loved the rain ......"

"I think you might like it too...... But I don't like it to let myself catch a cold......"

"If I become like this, will I still catch a cold?"

The girl's words seemed like a simple question, and they seemed like sharp sarcasm. I can't answer her question because I don't know either. I had a revolutionary understanding of the world, of my own condition, a few weeks ago, so I don't have that knowledge. It's better that I don't want to have it, I don't want to know what kind of foreign body I've become, and I don't want to study the mysteries in myself. I also want to sit in the middle of the crowd and drink coffee, so I can't delve into that.

Seeing that I did not answer, the girl continued to herself.

"I love the rain because I am the only one who dares to stand in the rain without an umbrella or a raincoat. Each of you, wearing a mask of hypocrisy, wraps yourselves tightly. In order to fit in with the collective, you will dye your face the same gray - so you dare not stand in the rain. The rain will wash away your camouflage and will bring out your ugliest side. ”

"That's ......"

"So, I definitely don't hide myself. Use honorifics to people you meet for the first time, why do such stupid things. Honorifics are words that are used to respect others, but when you meet for the first time and don't know each other, how can you respect him from the bottom of your heart? Politeness, morality, ethics, these things are nothing more than the norms that bind human beings. It's stupid to wrap yourself up in such things that you forget what you really think. All of them are stupid! ”

That's why you're isolated, that's why you're like this.

I thought so in my heart, but I couldn't argue with the girl's words. I can't argue with that, because deep down, I probably have similar thoughts. The girl believes that she is better at maintaining her true self than bringing a mask to cater to other people's lives.

"I'm glad I'm the one who gets bullied than I do to bully others", isn't that the same as a girl?

But, as I know, these are just self-consoling lies. I took my clumsiness and misfit as integrity, and the girl took her disgrace and tactfulness as courage. These are all excuses for evasion, poisons that numb the mind. "It's better to be like it than to be it" -- this is the kind of thing that can only be said when you can do "what is better than it". I can't bully other people, girls can't hide themselves, we're all weak.

Because we are such weakling, scum, we will be abandoned by the world.

That's right, abandoned.

I've been avoiding the word because it's the only one that can realistically reflect where we are.

"I said, 'Have you ever lived an urban legend like that?' Air Man's urban legends. ”

"Urban legends?" The girl looked over.

"It's a person who has no friends, and no one cares about him. No one remembered him during the school outing, and the teacher forgot to call him by name during the meeting. None of his classmates remembered him, and he was abandoned like this. When he returned to school, even the desks in the classroom were strangely missing, and the roster did not have any information about him. He evaporated inexplicably. ”

The girl remained silent, it was an unsettling silence.

Later, the man came back alone from the place where he had traveled. Whether you are traveling in Hokkaido or Kyoto, it is neither far nor close. But he walked back silently alone, because he couldn't get in the car or take the subway. No one noticed him, and he couldn't buy a ticket, and then walked back silently. When he returned to school, he was ragged like a beggar, but no one noticed him. He walked to his classroom and watched the teacher lecture to his classmates. Again, all the people ignored him. He sat alone in the corner of the classroom, with his knees crossed. As he sat down, he thought—"

What, isn't it any different from usual?

When the senior said this, his expression could not be said to be sad or angry. It was a smile mixed with helplessness, relief, or masochistic satisfaction. At that moment, the seniors must have recognized it. Whether it is before or after the "mutation" occurs, his status in the minds of his classmates and teachers is the same. Zero, no value, air, these adjectives are placed on him without any sense of disobedience. The senior did not become an "air man" during that school outing, he had slowly faded and disappeared into society a long time ago.

This is being abandoned by the world.

I still remember the expression of my predecessor at that time, and this may be my last memory of my predecessor. I may be smiling in a similar way now.

"That's what it is."

"Is that what it is...... the girl's face suddenly lost its look, "I see, that's what it is." ”

We have been abandoned by the world.

That's right, that's what it is.