Letter to Mom and Dad, April 29, 2002

Dear Mom and Dad,

By the time you read this letter, Doudou and I had already left. Pen & Fun & Pavilion www.biquge.info I'm very upset, and I don't know where to go. Don't worry, we're just going out for a walk and maybe we'll be back soon.

I have another letter on me. If something happens to us, you'll receive another letter. I'm afraid I won't ever have the chance to write to you again, so I'll finish what I'm going to say this time.

When I left home and went to Chengdu that day, my father said, "Why don't you talk to me?" "Actually, I have so much to say to you, but these words will make you sad, so most of the time I choose to be silent.

Dad, Mom, my daughter is not filial, and I still worry you when she is so old, and my daughter apologizes deeply. I know that I have been superfluous since I was a child, and my parents have always quarreled because of me. Maybe my mother subconsciously felt that if it weren't for being pregnant with me, her life would definitely be a different scene. So, no matter how hard I studied and tried my best to please her, I couldn't satisfy her. Mom always misunderstood me, why are we mother and daughter always so incompatible? I know that my mother has gone through a lot of hardships in raising me alone for four years, and it stands to reason that we should depend on each other for our lives, but why does my mother always have no good face for me? On the day I got married, my mother didn't say blessings to me, but she said to me very angrily, "You have to marry him, are you afraid that you won't be able to get married?" "Maybe it's all my fault, I really can't handle these relationships well, just like I can't handle marriage, please forgive me.

I don't blame anyone for the divorce, only myself. I have always been very proud, and I have never admitted my mistakes to Ah Zhao, nor have I ever been gentle with him. What husband would like such a wife that I did not cherish when I had it, and squandered his indulgence and pampering on me? I put too much pressure on him, and we were separated for too long and lacked communication, which ended in a divorce - all of which I blamed. I was too a failure to be a person, I was unqualified as a daughter, and my mother was not satisfied; As a wife, she is not qualified, and lets her husband go; Being a mother is not qualified, so that Doudou loses the opportunity to grow up healthily in a normal family. What else can I do? Maybe being a monk is the best choice for me. But how can I give up my son? If he can be properly arranged, becoming a monk would be an excellent choice, and I will be reassured.

I'm in pain right now, I want to forget everything, but reality doesn't allow it. After I resigned, I went to Chongqing to work and Chengdu for further study, all of which did not change or reduce my suffering. Mom, when you said, "Yu Xzhao fetched bathwater for that woman in Kunming, and even fed her for dinner", didn't you know that you were sprinkling salt on my sadness? I don't seem to care, but my heart is bleeding. More than ten years of classmates and marriage relationships are in my memory, how can I say that I can forget if I forget it? If I come back safely this time, one day when I can, I will leave Rongchang with my son. Forgive me, Dad and Mom, every time Zhao comes to see my child, it is a blow to me, and I have to get drunk to forget this heartache. But I can't stop him from coming, after all, Doudou needs father's love. Maybe it won't be long before that.

Doudou and I are superfluous people in the world.

My parents have poured too much into us, although my two sisters and brother-in-law never say anything, but I owe you too much, please forgive my sister's incompetence that caused today's ending, so that my parents have no more time to take care of my nephew Xuanxuan and my mother's beloved little daughter who is about to be born. I know I'm too selfish, but there's nothing I can do. Please forgive my sister and brother-in-law, Doudou and I have caused you too much trouble but can't repay it, I can't feel at ease in this life. If my son and I leave Rongchang, everything in the family will be handled by my parents, and all this will not matter to me anymore.

Mom and Dad, in the past few months in Chongqing, I have experienced many hardships and difficulties that you can't imagine. I didn't get a job for a month, I didn't even dare to buy medicine, and I really wanted to kill myself during that time, but I didn't have the courage to leave my son behind, at least I should be with him. One day I was robbed of two good clothes by a thief, and I was really desperate. Hongjiu came to see me, and when he saw me lying on the hospital bed, he immediately cried. She wants to give me 200 yuan, but I resolutely don't want it. Luckily, the next day, I was notified of the application by the advertising agency. That period was the most difficult time since my divorce. I owe you so much that I really don't know how to pay it back.

Mom, Dad, I'm so tired. My son is still so young, I can't imagine how we would have survived without you? I'm so upset. I'm supposed to make your life happy, but I'm always giving you trouble. Why am I such a failure? Am I really good for nothing? Am I really annoying?

I took Doudou out this time, I want to relax, you don't have to look for us. Because I don't know where I'm going to wander. In case of misfortune that happens to us, parents and fathers, please remember: I love you deeply, and you should not have given birth to my unfilial daughter. If we come back, please don't ask anything, and don't blame me. Please, okay?

I really love you guys, forgive me for my usual ignorance and weird temper. Dad, Mom, sister, brother-in-law, you must take care of your body, love each other, and be happy for a long time!

Thank you also for your aunt, uncle, and Huanhuan's love for Doudou, and I wish you a happy and harmonious family forever.

I love your daughter Hua deeply

Say goodbye with tears