I don't know when I started, I was already disgusted with living. Except for the silly younger brother, there is no one to confide into.

I have had excellent grades since I was a child, and although I am not at the top, I can also hover in the upper reaches. The motor nerve is not comparable to a nerd who can only read dead books, plus he also likes sports, and when he has the opportunity, he will go to play ball with his classmates, and his body is not bad.

In terms of personality, except for being introverted and negative, there are no big shortcomings. It's just that I'm not very good at facing strangers, my expression is a little more vicious, and I often take things to extremes and live a negative life. But in fact, everyone who knows knows that he is just a pseudo-cold man who is cold on the outside and hot on the inside.

For myself, who is already in high school, I am very happy to have a girlfriend and break away from the single group that still accounts for the majority. The two are also happy and happy to get along, natural and sincere, and I believe that if each other is willing to persevere, it will be a long-term relationship.

The family is happy on the surface, with parents alive and a younger brother. But I don't have much sense of belonging to this family, maybe because my parents are too serious people, and every time I meet, I must discuss the brothers' schoolwork, future arrangements, etc., and over time, the brothers only have obligations and responsibilities for these two people who raised themselves, after all, they really don't feel the feeling of a warm family.

The younger brother did not express his dislike for his parents, although he would say bad things about the two of them when he chatted in private, but I could see that it was just the willfulness and rebellion of a child, and the affection and respect he had for his parents from the bottom of his heart were still there.

My brother's grades are not as good as mine, and they have reached the point where I am worried, although they will not fail from time to time, but they can only hover in the middle and lower grades, and it is difficult to have any effect in the future. But on the other hand, I don't feel uneasy about my brother's future, he has advantages that I don't have, he is good at socializing, and his enthusiastic personality has attracted the attention of many peers and elders, so it may not be difficult for such a brother to find a job in the future.

My own grades were good, but on the contrary, I was worried about my future. It's not that I don't have confidence, but I feel lost.

I dreamed of becoming a teacher, and I didn't have any particular reason but wanted to do it. But this wish was shattered when I first told my parents, because teachers were not well paid. Maybe from this moment on, I was separated from my parents. The reason to crush a child's dreams is just because the job doesn't make much money? This reason is really cruel and realistic.

The hardest thing about negativists is that they doubt everything around them and think in the worst direction, and they can't stop when they think about it.

As a negativist, I have been keeping an eye on my parents since this day, and I will analyze the reasons behind their good and good deeds, which has led to our estrangement. I know that they are still invested in themselves, but I doubt that this love may only come from the fact that they are their sons and will provide for them in the future.

Sometimes I can even hear in my heart their disdain for themselves, "It's just a little ghost who spends my money, lives in my house, uses my things, and acts like he knows everything." Be obedient to me, and when you grow up, just make money for me to support me in my old age, and think about a bunch of useless things for what." It was just a feeling, but since the day they forced me to transfer to a well-known international school and made me use English that I wasn't particularly good at. I have already mentally cut off my affection for them.

Maybe this behavior and thinking is naïve, naïve, and self-righteous, and I know that it is just my one-sided idea, but I can no longer trust them.

I didn't say anything, because it was a fact after all, I spent their money, I lived in their house, and I was obligated to repay the kindness of my upbringing when I grew up. But all this has been passed through in my mind, and I have left them with only this obligation, not affection.

I couldn't accept what they were doing to me, and because of my distrust of those closest to me, I began to pay attention to the people around me, and I could no longer be honest with people. I am very cold to strangers, and my expressionless face is like a stinky face like an enemy in the eyes of outsiders, which leads to my bad popularity, although my heart is not really as cold as I appear. And I gradually became cold to my parents, and the increasing "love" as if I sensed that something was wrong with me made me chill, and in front of them, my stiff face could no longer make any other expression except for expressionlessness.

So that's it, everything doesn't matter anymore, you can't live with your heart anymore, so what are you still alive for? I stood on the top floor, looking at the ground, reminiscing about my old life. It's not that I want to die, it's just that I'm tired of living. Ever since the day I locked my heart, I have lost faith in the human world. I've read a lot of anime novels, but it's not that I don't believe that anyone can open their hearts. But I feel that I, who doubts the personality of others, will not have the means to find out my inner problems and give me satisfactory answers, because I don't believe it myself.

Saying that I have no concern, it is not the case. My girlfriend, my childhood sweetheart who grew up with me since I was a child, is the person I have a love for. They may be the only ones who have a chance to find the answer I want, but it's just a possibility. And it is precisely because I miss them that I don't want them to see the despair and boredom in their hearts.

Like taking a step into the void outside the balcony, I didn't have much fear of falling from the fifth floor except for a trace of emptiness, and I wondered if my feelings had been erased. Although I don't want to, the process of falling is incomparably long for me, after all, who doesn't love life? For someone who feels like they're in a cage, that's the first step in their quest for freedom and self.

There's no reason to love someone, it's really impossible. Thinking of the "purposeful love" of the people around me, and facing the imminent death, I thought helplessly.