The courtyard was quiet, like two worlds from the noise outside. The men in their uniforms lined up and knocked me in, and they didn't look at me again. They did not come in, but they kept in the way of the people who were watching the excitement, and did not let them in.

When I looked back, the thick snow had covered the bricks of the courtyard so much that I couldn't see it. The satin-like layer of snow still has my footprints imprinted, small, shallow. Dragged from the doorway all the way to my feet.

My home is not as lively as before, my mother did not call me to eat, and there was no smell of cooking fire in the house. It doesn't seem to be the same as before.

Yesterday was fine.

I want to call Mama and tell her that I'm back. But my throat was dumb, and I stuck the card, but I still didn't shout. It was as if some force was pulling me away and telling me not to shout.

I took another look at the silver-plated snow in the courtyard, and then turned around and went inside.

The snow soaked Mama's small cotton shoes, and Fang Caiye didn't feel cold outside, but at this time his hands and feet stopped, and he felt a little cold, and his feet were even more itchy, like countless small insects crawling and drilling.

I bent down and simply took off the little cotton shoes and held them in my hands.

There was candlelight in the hall, and it was bright. And the small voices - I wanted to push the door, shout that Mama was hungry, and tell Mama to go get food.

Just like the action that has been repeated countless times before.

But this time, for some reason, I didn't shout.

It was as if fate had come to an end at that moment.

It was really at that moment, it was completely different.

I heard Mama Ai's voice, and the voice of the nurse. There was a slight sigh, faint in the air. I leaned on the door, digging at the leak, and the sound became clearer.

"I thought my whole life would pass like this...... "Mama sighed.

My grandmother said: "It's been eight years, and I didn't think I could go back after I came out, and this day, when Chinese New Year's Eve was looking forward to it, I finally came." People are old, their legs can't move, and they don't have the heart to go back to calculate, I'm afraid that they won't be able to keep Yaya alive. ”

"Where, Yaya is our fate, if you can't count it, you have to count it, step by step, you have to pave a smooth road for Yaya. Once I go back, if anyone dares to harm our girls, they can't agree even if they try their best! "Mama Ai let out a long sigh again, she loves me, spoils me, how can she say this, how can it make people's eyes sour?

There I was, as if I had been frozen in something, and I would not push the door in.

What are the grandmothers and nurses talking about? Why can't I understand a word?

"This day is coming, and it is coming at night, the East Palace has grown up, and he insists on taking the girl back, because of this, the king is angry and I don't know how many times...... After Yaya goes back, the king is not hurt or favored, and I am afraid that life will be difficult. ”

The nurse was wiping her tears, and her voice was choked: "Yaya's life is hard, he still remembers the disadvantages of Yaya, the child has grown so big, and he refuses to see it." ”

Mama Ai hurriedly covered the nurse's mouth: "Hmm! It's deadly! If you arrange the king's words, can you come out? How many forbidden insiders are standing outside?! You're bold! Because he said: "With this kind of effort, it is better to pack up more baggage, and it is time to do something for the girl, Mo went home and went to the high wall, but I am not used to it." ”

The nurse couldn't help wiping away her tears: "It's not good to go home!" Is there a human settlement? Don't swallow our girl's bones and eat our girl's meat, when the time comes, it's too late for us to regret it! ”

I was too young to understand what the nurse and my grandmother were talking about. I only remember that they cried and wiped their tears, and they looked unhappy. Mama is not happy, the nurse is crying, and I am not happy.

I peeked through the door for a while, and it was boring. I just want to push the door in, hug A-Niang, be coquettish in Mama's arms, and tell them that Yaya is not afraid of the black-faced god of the halberd outside, Yaya hates them and wants to drive them away.

But A-Niang is crying again-

"For so many years, I have been living very well in the field, and I don't want to see each other, so why bother at this time? Yaya looks good, Yaya looks so good outside-that ghost place, asked for Yaya's mother's life, and Erya can't live......"

"Don't say it," Mama Ai stopped A-Niang, "she is going to a good place, to the place where she came." But I'm finally going back! It's been eight years, eight years...... The East Palace has grown up. ”

Mama burst into tears.

"It's a shame that the East Palace has grown up, otherwise, can the master think of our Erya? What a good doll, tender and white, pretty, the king looks down on it so much. ”

“…… Yaya's eyebrows and eyes are a little similar to the old master, the more she looks at it, the more she loves it, the more she looks at it...... And I got more and more sad. Oh, second girl, why are you here? Good boy! ...... carrying cotton shoes? Damn, the snow is soaked, and your feet are cold? Two girls! ”

I sniffed my frostbitten nose: "Auntie, don't you beat me?" ”

A-Niang sniffled and took me into her arms.

"Good girl, someone will pick you up tomorrow, let's go home."

A-Niang sobbed, her shoulders heaving.

"Ah Niang...... "I'm sleepy."

The black-faced god with the halberd kept watch outside the house all night, and the people of Chang'an came to see the excitement again in the morning. The door is very lively, chirping sparrows as if rushing, A-Niang cooked good porridge and opened the hall door to feed me, A-Niang was very patient, and did not ask me what the situation was outside, I was weak-hearted, shaking two calves and taking the porridge spoon handed by A-Niang with his mouth: "A-Niang, this time it's really not me!" I don't know how they like to block our door! Ermao and I haven't done bad things for a long time! “

A-Niang didn't pay attention to me, only fed porridge.

"Auntie, were you unhappy yesterday?"

A-Niang tilted her head, still ignoring me, but her eyes were red.

I jumped up from the stool and gently touched Ah Niang's face: "Ah Niang, don't be sad, Ya Ya will not do bad things in the future." …… It also does not come with two hairs. ”

A-Niang glanced at me and slowly called me: "Yaya." "Hmm." I should. A-Niang looked at me so carefully, her eyes were full of tears, flashing and flashing, she said: "Yaya, you are old, you must be obedient when you go home, you can be nonsense outside, and when you get to 'there', you have to know how to look at your eyes." Good girl, remember to endure if you are wronged, some people hate you, and there are always people who love you. -- I hurt you from the bottom of my heart. ”

"A-Niang, where are we going?" I wiped my nose, unaware that it was a sad topic.

"We're not going anywhere, let's go to the place where your mother lived."

"My mother—"

"Change into your clothes in a moment and dress decently. Good girl, you have to rely on yourself. ”

"Shall we go? I saw you and Mama packing your bags yesterday—"

"Yes—" A-Niang sighed.

"Let's go? Really want to go? I just reacted, and I was so anxious that I didn't drink the porridge: "Is that Ermao leaving?" Let's take Ermao on it? ”

A-Niang shook her head.

"Na! Ah Niang, Ermao has to bully him, and he doesn't fight back! Let's take Ermao on it? A-Niang didn't react, I was really anxious, and cried and begged: "Let's take Ermao, right?" ”

A-Niang didn't speak.

"Ermao doesn't leave, Yaya doesn't leave! If you want to go, take Ermao with you!! ”

I'm a scoundrel.

My mother has never been able to bear my sadness, if I cry like this in normal times, how can I not be satisfied? It's strange today, A-Niang refuses to let go.

"Auntie, let's not go, Yaya likes it here!"

"It's too late, Yaya......" Ah Niang's voice was so low that she couldn't hear it. I hugged her, and my aunt was touching my head: "Good girl, it wasn't your will when you left, and if you can't go back now, naturally it won't be as you want." …… Wait, they'll always come and pick you up, let's ...... It's time to 'go home'. ”

As soon as I turned around, Mama Ai was standing by the door, and she was looking at me and A-Niang.

I opened my arms and ran over: "Mama, hug!" ”

Mama took me into her arms and gently touched my head like a mother.

She was talking to A-Niang: "...... Is the East Palace coming? When...... Go to Jianzhang? ”

"Come on, wait for the East Palace to come, and then make arrangements." A-Niang touched my head, and Mimi smiled: "Erya, your brother is coming to pick you up." Be obedient, if we don't have him, we won't be able to go back to Jianzhang in this life. Then he said to Mama Ai: "Take two good satin clothes and change them for Erya." Going there, after all, is to be decent. ”

Mama came over to hold my hand, and she smiled sadly: "Second girl, listen, 'he' doesn't hurt you, we hurt, your brother hurts, your mother hurts." ”

It was still young, and I didn't know who the "he" in my grandmother's mouth meant, but I later learned that the person who "didn't hurt" me was my father who looked down on the world and ruled the rivers and mountains.

He didn't love me, but he hated me from the moment I was born.

But he wouldn't let me live in the old mansion in the alley anymore, and he wanted to take me back to the deep palace where there was no daylight.

Although I am so reluctant to my mansion, I am reluctant, Ermao.

The way in which I showed my fatherly love, whom I had never seen since birth, was so turbulent that it almost shattered my entire childhood. On a whim, he "loved" me once, but let me give birth to the family that I had raised for eight years.

In the Han Palace, it is not only my father who lives.

The "East Palace" in the mouths of Mama and A-Niang has grown into an old Daru teenager.

He was born when his father Long Qian, and I was born in the first three years, at that time, the Son of Heaven had entered the Han Palace, and I was born as the princess of the Mandate of Heaven. The first time I saw the East Palace was in the winter of the third year of Yuankang, that year, I was eight years old, and he was eleven.

My brother is three years older than me.

The halberd Yu Lin Lang guarded the door of my house all night, and the lively people retreated and came, squatting outside the door of the house, like a crow perched on a tree. Ermao was probably there, but I couldn't see him. I wanted to go out, but the "black-faced god" blocked me back, and Ah Niang called me under the porch: "Yaya, don't rush into these guards, they are holding the salary of the Han family, and it is not easy." ”

Mama Cai raised the rice water in the yard and said to me: "It's been a day, and my aunt and grandmother can't hold back their sex, it's really hard for you!" Don't worry, boy, he's coming to pick you up, and he's going home to-day—'there' is your home! ”

I said, "It's not uncommon for my aunt and grandmother to be rare, my aunt and grandmother don't want any 'brother', I only need two cents!" ”

Mama shook her head and sighed helplessly.

The fierce officer guarding the door outside has been there since last night, guarding the door with his legs, not letting people in or letting me out.

I sat down on the stone steps, folded a flower, removed its petals, pinched it in my hand, put it to my nose and sniffed it, and when I found it boring, I threw it away.

When the breeze rose, the petals that I had torn apart were swept up in the wind, rolling away and gone.

Suddenly, the stone pier pestle carried the immobile gatekeeper to put down his halberd, bent his legs, and knelt down neatly......

I looked over there, and there was a lot of movement outside, and the more lively people gathered, the more they were now pushed apart like a tide, blocking farther away.

I stood up.

Mama had already put down the tank of rice and water, and stood in a daze, her eyes shining brightly...... Ah Niang stood under the porch, looking out of the door motionlessly, as if there was something there, and her gaze was glued.

After eight years of separation, my aunt and grandmother have a kind of "nostalgia" in their eyes, how long will it take for me to understand that the cold Han Palace has carefully placed their youth after all. After all, it's their hometown and home.

It's mine too.