The path to godhood

"For the first two months, I walked around France and around France, often sitting alone in roadside restaurants to rest and eat, watching the people coming and going. People are always busy, rushing around, and I don't understand why they have so many things to do, and I'm not sure if I'm going to live that life. What's the point of being like someone else, or being different from someone else. Do you know the benefits of growing up in an orphanage? ”

Su Wei smiled shallowly, and the lonely light and shadow in the depths of his eyes gradually rose, "That is, you have to learn to think in an adult way earlier." One day it occurred to me that since I hadn't thought about how to live my life, I might as well go further. Go out and see the world, go to those strange cities that you have never seen, and see more of the lives of different people, and maybe you can find what you want. My first stop was Turkey, which was my first time on Asian soil – even though it was only half Asian, it also made me feel the vastness of the world, many things are different, history and culture have created different cultural customs, I bought my first camera there and started documenting the world.

In the beginning, it can really only be said to be a record. I faithfully photographed every real picture, people, landscapes, buildings, sky...... I recorded and accumulated all the favorite images I saw. After that, I went to Greece, Egypt, Sri Lanka, Singapore...... Then there are Australia and the United States.

I walked all the places I wanted to go, and I began to fall in love with the world through my lens. I once tried to stay alone overnight on the ice fields of Alaska just to take pictures of the most beautiful starry sky, and that winter, I learned to drink hard liquor like a man to keep warm; Because I wanted to rent a boat to go out to sea alone to photograph whales, I went out of my way to learn to dive and swim; I also tried to get lost in the desert, and there was no water to drink for two days and two nights; When my wallet and passport were stolen in Cairo, I also tried to sit on a street corner and cry loudly...... Then, I met Ensa there. ”

When the name appeared in her mouth, Ruan Chengze's body shook for a moment, and then looked at her in surprise.

Su Wei smiled at him and continued, "That's right, it's the American retired soldier who taught me something, or a veteran. When I met him, he was in his fifties, and the place where I was sitting and crying was at the door of his house. He later told me that it was like seeing a kitten he had in Kansas before.

He took me to the local police station and registered my information, but thanks to him, I didn't end up on the streets. That's when I really felt the meaning of being alone, when you are in a desperate situation on the streets of a foreign country and you can't find anyone to turn to, when you're far away, when you're not waiting for your family and friends, when you're doing whatever you're doing, whether you're happy or sad, there's no one to share with you. Even if one day, you die for some reason, no one in the world will feel sad about your departure......

After that time, I wanted to leave something in this world, something valuable to prove that I once existed. So, I started participating in various photo competitions, and because of this, I began to see the world with a purpose. Since then, my photography has developed its own style, which is no longer just a mere documentary, but also occasionally creative.

Ensa became friends with me after that, he was a very interesting old man, I would go to Cairo every once in a while, he told me about the life of the army, he went to war, he took the lives of others, he was wounded, and finally he got tired of this life and chose to retire.

He was unmarried, had no children, and his savings didn't allow him to live well in the United States, so he came to Egypt. He loves the city, where prices are low and houses are cheap. I sent him a lot of photos and gifts, and he kept them all, and when I was in Cairo, his favorite thing was to take me to the tavern on the street for a drink, and when I met acquaintances, he said that I was his daughter, and I had been separated for many years, and now I finally found ...... I used to think he would always be there, telling me his war stories when I was tired – but then ......"

She stopped, her quiet tone a little stagnant, Ruan Chengze looked at her and asked, "What happened later?" ”

The woman on the couch seemed to be stuck in some bad memory, and was stunned for a long time before she continued, "When I went to see him in Cairo, he was preparing to go to Sierra Leone. It was a local rescue operation, and it wasn't the first time he had participated, and he had been to a lot of poor areas in Africa before — he had experience as a soldier, he could use a gun, and the rescue team needed someone like him. It just so happened that I was there that time, so I offered to go with him. I've photographed so much of the beauty of this world that I want to see something different.

He didn't agree at first, because there were years of war, sickness and refugees. But I insisted, so he took me with him. I was vaccinated against yellow fever and boarded the plane with a yellow card and medication for malaria.

We went to the Konu area in southeastern Sierra Leone, where there are a lot of refugees, and although years of war have passed, years of civil war have left it in ruins, and the people are destitute and live on handouts every day. The task of the team is to help the children of the refugees be vaccinated against malaria and to distribute food. After getting off the plane from Freetown, on the way to the campsite, everything we saw was desolate, and we changed many means of transportation to get to Konoo, how can I describe how I felt at that time? ”

She paused, as if to think of a more apt adjective, "It's like going to a country that doesn't belong to the earth, full of refugees, full of garbage, full of hungry and sick children, and even full of corpses." It is difficult to compare the fact that in such a peaceful era as today, there can be such a place. The war has turned this place into a living hell, many children have become child soldiers, they have killed people with guns, countless women have been □□, and many more have lost their families or parts of their bodies to torture and murder in the war...... We stayed there for a few days, and we were all busy every day, but during this time several children died of illness. We went to other areas and I took countless pictures and I couldn't stop at all......

For more than a year after that, I started traveling back and forth between African countries. Every time, Ensa was with me, and I knew that he was worried that something would happen to me, and that he always had a gun with him no matter what country he went to. Thanks to him, I was able to leave safely every time. It wasn't until the spring of my twentieth year that we went to Somalia. This time it was not only for rescue, but also for taking some photos.

* We were nearby during the armed assault on the capital, Mogadishu, and although we were not in the center of the fighting, something happened during the evacuation. Our car had a flat tire, and as we were rushing to get into another car, there was a gunshot, and I had been pushed into the bed of the truck in front of me by Enza - he was running in front and he could have jumped on first, but he didn't. I remember holding my camera in my hand and I subconsciously started taking pictures when the first gunshot rang out. After Ensa jumped into the truck, he also fired, the bullets were deafening, and the car began to shake forward, and when I came back to my senses, I found that Ensa had fallen there......"

She will never forget that spring, because of her, Ensa died in a rudimentary hospital in Somalia. Until the last moment, he held her hand and told her to go back.

Not back to Cairo, not to any of the beautiful cities you've ever visited. He told her to go back to where she had been, and whatever she had left for, it was time to end her exile in this almost wandering way.

At her age, she should study in a beautiful school and enjoy the wanton and beauty of youth.

"I sent Ensa's body back to Kansas, USA, for burial, where he is from, and it's not that he doesn't want to go back. I stayed in the U.S. for a few days, delivering photos of my previous time in Somalia, one of which won a Pulitzer Prize that year.

The content of the photo is the moment when we were shooting while changing cars, Ensa is also in the photo, climbing the truck in one hand, holding the gun in the other, with a painful expression and persistent eyes, and in the distance is the ruins of the city, filled with gunsmoke, but the sky of Mogadishu is still blue, half pure, half evil...... In fact, at that time, he had been shot in the back, and I didn't know it...... I didn't go to collect the award, I left the address and asked them to send the certificate and trophy to Cairo. ”

The woman next to her told everything almost indifferently, as if the pain was just a distant dream, "Later, I went back to France and rented a house in Marseille as a photographer. It was in that year that I saw the news of the accident, two years after his accident. It was as if I had been dragged back from another world all of a sudden, and I didn't feel comfortable, but I knew I had to work hard. I've already lost a loved one, and I don't want to lose another. That year, I studied fashion photography while repeating my studies to prepare for the university entrance examination. I found the designer who brought me to Paris in the first place, he was already the chief designer of Van Whale womenswear, and most of the models and stylists wanted to work with him, and he recommended me. A few months later, Ensa was born. For the next four years, I turned Ensa into the god of photography. ”

Slowly, she ended all of this.

This is not an educational story, and she never thought to make Nguyen Chengze understand anything through these things.

She just wanted to tell him what had happened to her.

- How big is the world?

- When you have witnessed countless diseases, famines, wars, life and death, you will be like me, no matter how bad the things are, no matter how stubborn the difficulties that hinder you in reality, you can still see the world with a normal heart.

- At least stay away from hunger, at least the limbs are sound, at least the home is good, at least the life is still alive.

"To let you know that I am Enza in that way, not to belittle you and tease you, but to make you understand what it's like to be condescending."

She looked back at him, meeting his long, deep, narrow dark eyes, "To you, I'm an assistant, an agent, a young model, any of which is a top-down perspective for you, you ask yourself, do you never think I'm so great in your heart?" You may not realize it, but your likes were unequal from the beginning, and if you continue like this, sooner or later it will affect our relationship. ”

He still looked at her with a cold look in his eyes, "Even if you are right, you still lied to me, even after we fell in love, you still deliberately concealed your professional identity." ”

"It's true that I deliberately concealed it before, but not only to you, but also to others, you can't ask me to explain my background to any stranger. As for falling in love—" Su Wei thought about it, and still used the word love, "Do you remember what you said in my third-floor apartment that day?" ”

Ruan Chengze was stunned at first, but then quickly remembered his "coercion and temptation" that night, and her beautiful and harmless peaceful smile later.

"Actually, I was going to tell you about me after I was sixteen that night, but since you're so ...... You know—"

He was silent, closed his eyes with a headache, and unfortunately, he was told by his friend again, and he was really rectified.

Su Wei didn't really want to pursue these with him, so he continued to explain, "Later, when the report that was misunderstood as Enza came out, I also thought about telling you, but that day at the drinking party, you expressed some of your disdain for photographers......"

Ruan Chengze pressed his forehead, and he seemed to have a headache getting worse.

"The third time was when I went to you to explain the original story, and you still didn't give me a chance to ...... later"

Nguyen Chengze held out his hand to her, signaling that she didn't have to say any more. He thought that he was really not used to the four words of asking for hardship.

"And today, everyone is doing this for you. From the beginning of the accident, you have been acting like you don't care, and they are worried about you. ”

His gaze was fixed on her face, and for a long time, he reached out and stroked her cheek, "They are all worried about me, what about you?" ”

She curled her lips at him, "I'm not worried, I know you'll be fine." ”

"Self-righteous woman, you should have a lot of fun today!" His tone was slightly annoyed, but there was a softness in his eyes that couldn't be dissolved, "Su Wei, why do you always have a way to ...... you like this after making me thunder" He seemed to sigh, but the person leaned over and lowered his head and kissed her.

After a long cold war, he missed her lips more and more, and he probed deep into her mouth, entangled with her intimately, seized her breath, and then branded himself. She leaned there, letting his tall figure press against her, letting his lips and tongue wrap firmly around her, the heat of which seemed to melt her. She opened her eyes slightly, and his sharp eyebrows were gentle and peaceful at the moment, and under the deep eyebrows, there were closed eyes and long eyelashes.

Her heart trembled slightly as the familiar freshness and faint smell of perfume surrounded her, and at some point the way he kissed her began to overwhelm her.

She could feel his every tick #entanglement and uncontrollable emotion, those heavy breaths, the gradually agitated movements, and even the long fingers clasped on the back of her neck, all conveyed the emotions and states of his body to her very clearly.

After he let go of her, he gasped for a long time against her forehead. The dark eyes that stared at her were still hot and deep, and she always felt as if there were brilliant fireworks blooming in the depths of those eyes.

She heard him sigh lowly, and then kissed her on the forehead, "Don't look at me like that, my endurance is not as good as you think......"

She smiled and pushed him away, reaching into his hair and caressing it, "Do you have the stamina?" ”

"You really want to know?" He raised his eyebrows slightly, and his smile was ambiguous and seductive.

"Alright, it's time to work." She naturally knew what he was hinting at, this guy, as soon as his mood recovered, he began to spread hormones indiscriminately.

"Work?" Ruan Chengze's face suddenly turned cloudy, "You still want to shoot?" ”

"It's real work this time." Su Wei got up, "This incident affected the original shooting plan, so I have to re-evaluate." Today's set of photos is one of the benchmarks for evaluation, you can forget all your previous shooting skills, I don't need a perfect face, and I don't need superb acting. I wanted to see if you would have something different from what you had before, something that hadn't been discovered by other photographers yet. ”

"What if not?"

The woman who had reached the door looked back and said, "No, everybody." Like different sides of personality, the process of getting to know yourself is much longer than one might think, sometimes a lifetime. Are you sure, do you know 100% of yourself? ”

Seeing that he frowned and was silent, she opened the door with a smile, "Let's try to create a different Ruan Chengze together!" 166 Reading Network