When I woke up, I didn't know where I was for a while, I saw him asleep next to him and gradually woke up, I got up and quietly walked out of the bedroom to the floor-to-ceiling window in the living room, the floor in front of the window was covered with a plush carpet, the heat of the floor heating baked the blanket hot, the light from the dim street lamp outside the window reflected the furniture in the living room were only some shadows but could not be seen, I sat slowly on the carpet, watching the snowflakes flying under the street lamp outside the window tumbling up and down, I don't know why the snow began to fall, I don't know when it'll end.

The scene before going to bed surfaced in front of me again, when he went to take a bath, I lay on the bed and saw his mobile phone on the bedside table, inadvertently picked it up and fiddled with it, and saw that the mobile phone interface that jumped out turned out to be a photo he took for me when we went out in autumn, the photo was my back slightly looking back in the colorful woods, there were white clouds floating in the sky of Bilan, and the mountains in the distance were undulating, I was standing far away on a small hillside, a beige gauze was blown by the wind, Blocking half of my cheeks that I looked back slightly, I stood there upright, my outstretched left hand seemed to pull the floating scarf, the picture was long and quiet, but the photo was my back, I stood far away and had a scarf to cover my face, so no one except me and him would see that the person in the picture was me.

Seeing him use my photo as an interface, there was a trace of sweetness in my heart, remembering the happiness of that day's outing, I smiled and began to rummage through his phone for other photos we took that day, but the photos of that day were gone except for the one on the interface.

My heart slowly sank, could it be that he had begun to erase the traces of our time together little by little?

This thought came to my mind and my heart began to tighten for a while, I put his phone back in its place, but I couldn't stop my body from trembling, I clenched my fists tightly and tried my best to control my feelings.

Listening to the sound of the bathroom faucet turning off the water, my mind became very clear: I can't let him find out about my abnormality, I can't lose my posture in front of him, never.

I got up and walked out of the bedroom to the dining room, took out a bottle of dry red wine from the cabinet, poured myself a glass of wine and drank it in one sip, my mouth was bitter and astringent, and a feeling of ambiguity rising from my stomach after the wine entered my stomach calmed me down, I knew that I could no longer make love with him as if nothing had happened, but I had to hide my abnormal mood.

I walked to the living room with a wine glass and a bottle to turn on the TV, poured myself another glass of wine, held a glass of wine in one hand, pressed one channel after another in one hand but couldn't see anything in my head, every picture of men and women together made me uncomfortable, when I turned to a channel that was broadcasting "Morphing Gold and Steel", the roar of metal collision on the TV made my mind blank, I no longer thought about what happened just now, just followed the hot shots in the TV picture with my eyes, Listen to the Autobots talking in the urn, keeping their minds in a vacuum.

I stared intently at the TV, sipping from my glass to the table, not even noticing when he walked up to me.

"Why did you remember to drink today?"

He came and put his hand around me.

I was startled when I heard him speak, and my body shrank with it.

He smiled: "Look so attentively! ”

I poured myself a drink, seemingly casually avoiding his arm, sat down on the couch and said, "This movie is pretty good."

。

He sat next to me and looked at me and said, "How much have you drunk?" Why are your faces red? ”

At this time, I felt a little fever in my stomach, and my face was also a little feverish, "I don't know how much I drank, I patronized and watched TV, and I didn't care how much I drank"

I say.

He reached out and touched my face and said, "My face is hot, I've drunk a lot, why is I in such a good mood today, drinking alone?" ”

I smiled and stood up and said to him, "I'll go get you a cup too, can you drink some with me?" ”

Without waiting for his consent, he walked to the dining room, took out another wine glass from the cabinet and put it in front of him, and poured him wine.

After pouring him a drink, instead of sitting on the couch, I sat on the carpet at his feet with my back to him, not letting him see my expression, he reached out and touched my hair and asked, "What's wrong?" Is there anything upset about today? It was fine just now."

I turned my head and smiled at him and said, "No, I think this movie is very good, my son used to like to watch it and I thought it was quite strange, but now I think it's really good, I finished watching it, and I went back to talk to my son, isn't it?" ”

He laughed and said, "This movie is good, haven't you seen it before?" ”

I nodded "oh"

Actually, I've seen this movie.

He looked sideways at me and smiled and said, "Then let's see, I haven't seen it either"

。

I put one arm on his lap, one hand holding a wine glass, watching and drinking, in fact, I no longer know what the plot of the movie is, just staring at the cars inside changing around, the car people flying around, gradually I feel the strength of the wine coming up, I am a little drowsy leaning on his lap, my head is also on his lap, his hand caresses my face from time to time, I ignore and continue to stare at the TV screen while taking a sip of wine from time to time.

I don't know when the movie was finished, and I don't know how I got laid.

The sky outside the window is still pitch black, I don't know if this is late at night or before dawn, just like I don't know the road ahead of me now, I used to think that he was just a 'passerby' in my life, he came to accompany me on the road of life for a while, he left and I continued to walk my own way, but now I find that he has changed the trajectory of my life, I can no longer go back to my original path, I don't know how to go in the future, except for loneliness, I am at a loss about my future.

In the dreary night, this feeling of loneliness and dazedness filled me with fear for the future.

Am I really going to die alone without him in the future?

At this moment, I have to face myself truly, I don't have the courage to fight for myself as Jiang Xinya said, but I understand very well that he is like a ball floating in the water, any struggle and effort I can only let him drift farther, I can only stop there quietly and let him float to my side, quietly accompany me for a moment, and then quietly float away, I am just a beautiful picture that can not show his face far away for him, I can only be a back in his heart that only he and I know.

I have no choice, I would rather grit my teeth than beg him to stay, no matter how difficult it is in the future, I can't do anything that damages my self-esteem in front of him, self-esteem is the only spiritual pillar for me to tide over the difficulties in the future, so I can only quietly accept the reality, I don't know this result, but to this day, I just don't know how to face the rest of our time together, and I can't face the long years without him.

The snow was still in chaos, and I breathed deeply into the dark night outside the window and tried my best to calm my feelings, my mind was unusually clear, I couldn't keep him, he had already said that he couldn't stay with me for a long time, and from now on I no longer thought about the future, I just wanted to spend the rest of my days with him.

I looked back at him at the sound of his footsteps, and in the dim light he was as shadowy as the rest of the drawing-room, and he stood in front of me for a moment, then slowly sat down on the carpet beside me.

"Still, what's going on? What do you think about sitting here alone? ”

He approached me and tried to get a glimpse of my face, trying to see my expression.

I smiled softly and said, "It's nothing, it's just that I can't sleep when I wake up, and I don't want to affect your rest, so I'm just sitting here alone, and you don't know when it starts to snow outside?" ”

"Looks like it's going to be the next night!"

He looked out the window and said I sighed and said, "Not necessarily, it's so dark that we can't see the sky outside, maybe the snow will stop when it stops."

He chuckled and said, "Yes, no matter how heavy the snow is, there is a time when it stops, how can there be snow that does not stop falling, do you plan to watch the snow here all night?" ”

As he spoke, he reached out and stroked my bare arm.

I looked at him, in the darkness his whole body looked blurry, it felt so unreal, I reached out and touched his face, it felt a little cold, when I slid towards his neck, the warmth of his body made me feel his real existence, my hand pulled him towards me with a little force, he sensed my mind and leaned towards me with my gestures.

He kissed me softly in the eye and said, "Still, you kept crying after you got drunk last night, what made you so sad?" ”

I fell into his arms and whispered with my eyes closed: "I don't know, I don't cry when I'm awake, I just cry when I'm drunk, not for anything, just for all sad days"

He reached out and lifted my face from his arms, leaned over to my face and said, "Still, do you have many sad days?" ”

I tilted my face to his palm and gently grinded it and said, "No, I just feel that the happy days are short, and the lonely days are too long, so you have to cherish the present, right?" ”

He lowered his head and kissed my cheek and whispered, "Still"

I put my arm around him and kept him close to me, not wanting him to probe my mind or talk again.

Quietly feeling his warm company, maybe this is the last spiritual station in my life, I don't want to say goodbye to it with tears.