I hung up the call with Jin Qiu in a daze, and then stood in place, I didn't cry, just kept recalling the pictures related to my grandmother in an instant, I still remember when I was young, my grandmother even if her legs and feet were inconvenient, but she could also cook and wash, her diligent and thrifty concept of governing the family, but also made the family never worry about money, even in that era of general economic underdevelopment, our family would eat meat dishes once a week. Grandma is such a person, she has a plan and a principled life.

But it seems that she is not too young, she has already rushed to the threshold of birth, old age, sickness and death, and she can't survive.

Under the scorching sun, I vaguely saw a dry river, no one remembered the way it flowed, but she really nurtured the schools of fish and shrimp, and moistened the rows of trees and flowers along the river.

"What's wrong Jiangqiao?"

I finally turned my head to look at Chen Yi, who was still unaware, and replied in a low voice for a long time: "Grandma, she can't do it......"

In just an instant, Chen Yi's tears fell, her tears were not the same as the tears I wanted to shed, she was distressed and reluctant. I was very real about the loss...... There is no longer a grandmother in my world who will shush me and ask me for warmth, and will secretly do manual work in a nursing home in order not to increase my burden. But I didn't even have time to fulfill my promise to take her on a trip to the country.

I'm in pain, really in pain!

On the way back, Chen Yi drove the car, I sat in the car and looked at the extremely dazzling world outside the car window, I couldn't see the growth of all things, I only saw that the air that was expanding because of the heat was very discordant with everything around me.

It seems that we have nothing but time, and we lack nothing but time.

……

In the hospital, my grandmother has been transferred to the emergency room, through the glass, I can see her wearing an oxygen mask, I can't believe that this is her who was going to make small fish potstickers for me and Chen Yi two hours ago.

Lao Jin's family has been standing beside me, no one has spoken, just looked into the ward with a heavy mood, Lao Jin clenched his fists and shouted Jiang Jiyou's name in a low voice, he was also hating, when grandma left, there was still no news of Jiang Jiyou.

When Grandma was sober, she must have been talking in front of him...... In fact, grandma is an easy person, but she can't get by in this matter. She dreamed of seeing her son, who had been gone for nearly twenty years and was nowhere to be found.

The door of the ward was opened, and the doctor came to our side, and he whispered to me: "We have tried our best to prevent the ......spread of cancer cells in the advanced stage of stomach cancer." ”

My heart twitched, all the dreams that I had imagined that my grandmother would be cured were ruthlessly shattered at this moment, I lowered my head, I saw the cracked lines on the floor, I lost the strength to support myself, I could only lean against the wall, whimpering in pain.

I can't believe that the goodbye came so quickly.

……

After calming down for a long time, Lao Jin beside me asked me, "Jiang Qiao, where are the old lady's funerals going to be done?" ”

I looked up blankly, and then stared at Lao Jin like dementia. At this moment, even our house on Tulip Road has been demolished, where should grandma park at the last stop of her life to feel at home?

I closed my eyes and blamed myself so much, I lived for almost 30 years, but I could do so little for my grandmother, and who caused all this?

At this time, there was another rush of footsteps in the corridor, and then I saw Yang Jin hurrying from the elevator entrance to this side.

She stood across from a group of us, and asked Russell Mei very eagerly, "Sumei, what does the doctor say?" ”

Russell Mei shook her head, and then tears fell...... The string in Yang Jin's heart seemed to break at this moment, she held on to the wall, closed her eyes, and tears fell down her face, which made her look like a person with affection and righteousness. However, Qiao Ye is right, since she divorced Jiang Jiyou, the affairs of her ex-husband's family have nothing to do with her.

I couldn't find an outlet for my pent-up anger, and I was so lost in pain that I didn't even know who to blame for my grandmother's rough life.

Lao Jin saw that I couldn't be my grandmother's master, so he turned to Yang Jin and asked, "The doctor said that the old lady doesn't have many days left, let's discuss what to do about her future." ”

I yelled at Lao Jin: "People are still alive, what can I do......"

Lao Jin didn't get angry with me, just patted me on the shoulder, and said softly: "No one can escape life, old age, sickness and death, Uncle Jin can understand your current mood, but we are in Shanghai at this time, not Nanjing, Uncle Jin is just afraid that when the time comes, he will be in a hurry to do things, so that the old lady will not be at ease when he leaves." ”

At this time, Yang Jin took Lao Jin's words and said: "The old lady has lived a hard life in this life, and she has been working hard for others all her life, so let her make her own decisions about this last matter." ”

Lao Jin nodded, and after a sigh, his eyes moistened, and he stood on the other side of me and Yang Jin, and never spoke again.

……

Until the night came, my grandmother did not wake up from the coma, Yang Jin and I and others have been waiting outside the ward, no one has left a step, we are all afraid that grandma will wake up, but we are not by her side, and miss the last opportunity to talk to her.

Outside the window, the sunset, which had been hanging in the sky for a long time, disappeared from the buildings after a moment of hiding in the fiery red clouds, and the lights of the city illuminated those who were eager to go home.

But where is our home? And my dream of just longing for the family to sit down and have a meal together was also shattered in the light of this reunion, and my grandmother was leaving...... It's like the tide rises and falls, but nothing is done.

After a long time, Chen Yi, who had been sitting opposite me, changed her position and sat next to me, and she said to me: "I haven't eaten all day, or I'll order a takeout." ”

"I'm not hungry, you can call it yourself, and you can call one for the others."

Chen Yi shook his head and replied, "Grandma definitely doesn't want you to be like this...... In fact, she herself has taken life and death very lightly, and the purpose is not to want you to be too sad for her, which you should be able to see. ”

I looked at Chen Yi, her face was haggard and sad, she didn't need to accompany her all the time, but her kindness and affection made her choose to put down everything in her hand at this time and wait with me.

I finally asked her, "Is there really a person in this world who is comfortable with life and death?" ”

Chen Yi nodded, and only replied after a long time: "If it is too hard to live in this world, but there is no such hard work in the other world, is it sad to leave, or is it something to be thankful about?" ……”

"I can't accept this statement, I don't want my grandmother to leave, for so many years, I have said countless times that I want to give her a good life, but it has not been realized until today. Now that such an opportunity has been denied, how do you want me to let go? ”

Chen Yi sighed, and after a long silence, he replied again: "Grandma doesn't want this, you know what she really wants, what you regret and fear is not that you didn't fulfill those promises and ideas...... Your truest pain comes from your inability to give grandma the results she wants. ”

I looked up at Chen Yi, lowered my head again, and then looked up at her again, it was she who tore open the deepest shell of my heart with a sharp blade, and then let me see the source of my own pain.

If, with Xiao Ai by my side at this moment, when my grandmother wants us to get married, we will hold hands and show her the marriage certificate, will I still blame myself so much and be so sad?

I won't blame myself so much, I will be so sad, because I know that birth, old age, sickness and death are irreversible laws. As long as grandma can leave without regrets, I will also look at it calmly, after all, grandma is so old. But now, I haven't done any of the things my grandmother expected, and that's the source of my pain, and I'm afraid that when I think of my grandmother in the future, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

...