I began to tell Qiaoqiao about my escape from Nanjing all the way to Guangzhou, and then from Guangzhou to Guangzhou, smuggling at sea, dying nine times a life, meeting Xiaofeng, and being treated like a slave trader on a smuggling boat, and then drifting at sea, fighting with hunger and thirst, climate, and the sea.

I've been holding it back for too long!

It's really been holding back for too long!

At first, I just spoke in a low, slow, and even somewhat calm tone, but later, my speech began to speed up, my face became yīn depressed, and then the resentment, the helplessness, and the struggle in my heart...... All these emotions erupted in one go.

My emotions were also infected by my own words...... I was excited, angry, and hurt...... When I talk about my killing...... My tone was visibly colder...... I subconsciously took out my cigarette, but it occurred to me that smoking was not allowed on the streets of Vancouver, so I put it away again.

Instinctively, I feel a little uncomfortable!!

Jojo ...... I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I smiled lightly, the smile on my face was a little sad, but I was actually struggling inwardly: "I can now knife two people who have nothing to do with me for my own sake...... Homicide! It's murder! Do you understand? I really got it! And I was at peace at the time! When that person struggled under my knife, lying on the ground twisting and twitching, I didn't even have any mental turmoil in my heart...... But when I went back, I vomited for a long time......"

Facing Jojo, facing this best friend of mine, I spoke my heart.

"I don't think I'm myself anymore."

Jojo didn't speak, she just looked at me quietly, and there was no expression on her face, and when I was done, she was silent for a while. Suddenly he said to me, "Take off your clothes." ”

"Huh?"

"Take off your clothes and let me see your scars."

I glanced at Jojo and saw certainty in her eyes, and there was a hint of undoubtedness. I hesitated for a moment and began to unbutton my shirt.

My chest, shoulders. On the arms, most of the scars that have been healed for a long time are stitched up by doctors, one by one, a little shocking! Jojo's eyes narrowed, and she stared at me for a full minute, and she seemed to be a little distracted, and slowly reached out and gently stroked a scar on my shoulder......

This is a scar on my swollen shoulder bone, and it almost wiped me out! The doctor said. If the knife had been a little deeper, a little more to the left, my arm would have been useless.

From this point of view, my vitality is really good.

The corners of Jojo's eyes seemed to be throbbing, and her fingers ran all the way down the scar on my shoulder before turning behind me.

I have some bullet holes in my back. Those were all shot by that shotgun when I was in Guangzhou. Fortunately, it was only an earthen gun, and it was iron sand, otherwise I would have died a long time ago.

There was water in Qiaoqiao's eyes, she turned her face sideways, quietly wiped away her tears, and smiled at me quickly. She smiled calmly, and then asked me in a soft tone, "Little Wu, let me ask you a question." ”

"What?"

"Why haven't you been in contact with us?"

I thought about it for a moment and said with a wry smile: "What's the use of contacting?" Am I still me? I'm not that Chen Yang anymore. It's not that little five! I'm a jerk now, a real Taiwanese underworld...... It's a murderer! ”

Syllable!!

No warning at all! A slap in the face without mercy! Before Qiao Qiao could put down his raised hand, he looked at me with vicious eyes: "I really want to pump you!" ”

I was speechless and looked at Miss Qiao.

"If ......" Jojo took a deep breath, "if I, or Aze, or wood...... If one day, we also encounter such a desperate situation...... We kill people and set fires, and we die in the world...... Until that time. Will you continue to see us as friends? ”

"Yes! Absolutely. ”

Jojo looked at me: "That's it!" So what you just said, if you dare to say it again...... I'm going to smack you with a big mouth! Believe it or not! ”

I rubbed my cheeks, but fortunately, Miss Qiao's subordinates showed mercy, this time I didn't really force it, but there was a hot feeling on my cheeks.

The two of us were tired of standing, and I was wearing my clothes open, and the occasional passers-by on both sides couldn't help but cast curious glances, I thought about it, and pulled Jojo into a small alley next to me.

Then I found a fire ladder next to a small building, which led to the top floor, but it was rusty, and two of the floors were locked, but it was useless for someone like me. I climbed over with a light, and then pulled Jojo and jumped on it.

It was a three-story building, and the two of us easily reached the rooftop of the building. It's quiet, there's silence all around, it's a bit dark, and there's a lot of dust on the ground.

I spread my suit on the floor and sat down side by side with Jojo.

I have to say that Vancouver, as a seaside city, still has beautiful skies at night. There is no dust that obscures the sky in the big cities of the country, and the sky is not gray.

We were back to back, looking at the sky, and we were all silent for a while, and Qiao Qiao spoke: "But, why don't you even contact Yan Di and them?" ”

My body shuddered.

Yan Di ...... Yan Di ......

It's pretty much the softest part of my heart.

"Do you know that when the news that you were dead came back, several of us were careful to hide it from Yan Di, and we didn't dare to tell her a little bit. But such a situation without news is even more torturous! The girl began to cry every day, and then stopped crying, but ...... She hasn't laughed since you're gone...... Not once. ”

She ...... How is she? ”

I heard my voice tremble...... My heart trembled, too.

Jojo didn't answer me directly, but sighed first. Her sigh seems to contain a lot of meaning in it.

"Not only Yan Di, but also your female boss. Fang Nan. Qiao Qiao said slowly: "Her background is not simple...... Basically, the information we get, she can get too. Presumably she got the news of your death and spent the whole day in the hospital. …… Do you know? I heard that she seemed to faint from crying, lay in the hospital all day, and then ...... I took Yan Di back, and now that Yan Di is with us, Yan Kaidi's heart is now good and he will live in my house. Stay with me. I don't want to describe what she looks like now...... It's just that...... Have you ever seen a flower wither? She's like that now! If not, still insisting on waiting for your news...... I'm afraid she can't support it for a long time. ”

I was pounding hard in my heart again.

"Why don't you contact them? At least make a phone call and report your safety! ”

I was silent.

It's the top of the building and there's no one around. I was finally able to pull out a cigarette and lit one for myself with a slightly trembling hand, and as soon as I took a puff, Jojo took it from my mouth and inserted it into his own.

I smiled wryly and rekindled one for myself.

The mouth is full of bitter taste...... I know it's not because of tobacco.

yes, why don't I talk to Yan Di. What if you don't contact Fang Nan? Why didn't I even send back a phone call, a message of peace?

Why?

Because......

Because I'm a jerk!

Yes, because I'm a jerk! Bastard!!

These days...... Or these rìzi, all along, this question is a taboo in my heart! I even forced myself again and again to not allow myself to think in this direction...... Because every time I think about it. I just feel like a real asshole!

I almost kept smoking a cigarette, and the end of the cigarette lit up like a spark under my heavy inhalation.

Finally, the cigarette on my fingertips burned to an end.

"What can I do?" I smiled wryly, feeling the muscles in my face stiffen a little.

I turned my head and looked into Jojo's eyes that were a few feet closer: "Jojo, I'm in a special situation right now......"

And then. I began to talk to myself:

"I'm under too much pressure right now...... I can't go back, and once I do, there are only two paths, first. My identity is not revealed, but Brother Huan will kill me. Second, my identity was exposed, and those people knew that I was not dead, and they would kill me...... I can't go back! At least not yet!

Yes, I have hatred in my heart! There is unwillingness! There is resentment! I made up my mind that one day I would go back! I'm going to get everything back with my own hands! This is what I have long made up my mind!

But...... How long will that take?

I'm here now, without roots. No background! I can only fight with my own life! Go for it! How many years will I have to wait before I can get ahead! In order to get mixed into a certain status, can you return to China with your head held high?

Three years? Five years? Eight years? Decade?

No one knows! Moreover, who can guarantee that in such a rì licking blood on the knife edge, I will be able to live safely and live until the day I succeed?

Maybe one morning, I'll be shot dead in the streets!

I'm already on this path...... It's a point of no return! A road back from nowhere!

So, should I let Yan Di ...... Well, and Fang Nan!

What should I do with them?

I can brazenly say to them: Wait for me! Wait until I get back! Ten or eight years at most, I'll be back - if I'm alive and getting ahead by then!

Is it possible?

How long is a woman's green chūn, a woman's precious years? How many years?? And me! I don't know tomorrow today!

How can I brazenly say such things to two women who love me? Make such a request???? ”

Jojo was sighing, she looked at me, her eyes shining: "So...... You are ......"

"No!" I knew what she was trying to say", but I immediately denied it: "But I'm not that noble...... In fact, I even feel pathetic for my meanness, for my cowardice...... I even despise myself! ”

Yes...... If I am a noble person, I am a selfless person. Then I should call them and tell them...... Just like many movies and television, and many stories described, tell them not to wait for me, and find a good family to marry! Don't waste yourself for a murderer like me, and find new happiness for yourself...... If I were really noble and selfless, I would tell them privately and make them forget me!

But......

I can't!

I really can't do it!

I love Yan Di...... Even I realized that I was not ruthless to Fang Nan!

The more I was in a desperate situation, the more I missed my family and them! Sometimes, that intensity, that kind of longing, even tortures me to death!

I'm not a noble person!

If I want to be like the male protagonists in those movie stories, let them forget about me and find new happiness...... That kind of thing, that kind of thing. I can't tell!

Frankly, I'm reluctant!

I can't face that situation!!

Let me push the woman I love the most into the arms of others with my own hands?? I can't do anything like that!!

I'm conflicted!!

On the one hand, I know that I'm in a desperate state right now. The future is far away, and it is very unfair to them to let them wait like this, wasting green chūn for me!

But on the other hand...... I'm really selfish! I love my women so much that I really can't do that kind of thing to get them to leave me...... I can't say anything like that! I covet every bit of love and warmth they give me......

I......

Really not a good person!

I'm already a man walking on the edge...... Now, this love in my heart is almost in my heart. The few remaining little people xìng, a little hope for life......

In such a situation, how can you make me "noble"! How can you make me proactive, "selfless". Let yourself let go and give up this little hope?

I'm not a saint.

I'm just an ordinary person, I'm not that noble, I'm not that selfless...... I'm even a little selfish...... But I really can't bear it!

This is a contradiction in my heart.

I really can't force myself to make a decision now!

It's not that I don't want to contact them...... But...... Can't!

Yes, you asked me to contact them and then what did I say to them? How so?

Tell them. Let them wait for me? But can I make two women who love me make sacrifices for me like this?

Tell them to give up on me and don't wait for me...... However, in that case, it would be tantamount to making me voluntarily give up the last hope of life in my heart......

What should I do? What can I do?

I looked at Jojo with a wry smile, and I felt that I couldn't hide the pain in my eyes.

"You tell me, what should I do? To the left? Or to the right? I didn't know what to say, so ...... I haven't been able to make this call. ”

Jojo took a deep breath, she stared at me for a while, then slowly shook her head and said, "I...... I don't know what to do either...... It's hard, it's really hard. ”

Some people may call me selfish, that I am too mean.

But that's because they didn't have a situation like mine! Because they didn't run into a desperate situation!

Man is in a desperate situation, in a real desperate situation...... In the absence of relatives, in the case of almost nothing...... You can still be as if nothing happened, very noble, very noble, or very great...... Tell your most cherished loved ones and tell them not to wait for me, and let me fend for myself!

A person who is truly in a desperate situation, even if he grasps the slightest hope, even if it is only a very ethereal hope, will instinctively hold on to it!

It's not a question of selfishness or not...... It's the person's day xìng, the present xìng!

This question...... Hard.

It's really hard......