Chapter 2 I have depression
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I was locked up by my parents for about two weeks, and the school was about to be called. This time, the school will announce the specific matters of the junior high school, because I am a non-agricultural household registration, and I will definitely be assigned to 47 Middle School, which is closer to my home. Those students with rural hukou can only be assigned to the remote No. 14 middle school, which is still a boarding junior high school, where most of them are rural and urban people with rural hukou. During the two weeks I was imprisoned, my parents didn't say a word to me. I didn't dare to speak to them, but tomorrow was the day of the call. At dinner, I asked them, "Tomorrow, can I go to school?" As soon as I finished speaking, my dad smashed a flying bowl at me, but it didn't hit me, he did it on purpose. My dad confronted me and said, "Do you still want to go to school?" You beat teachers, rob money, kill people, and still want to go to school? I thought to myself, it's over, it's over, and even my parents know about beating the teacher. That rogue physical education teacher actually has the face to complain, it's really angry to me. But I didn't kill anyone, I wasn't the one who killed people, I felt very wronged in my heart.
My mother said to me again: Do you know how your four classmates are doing now? I said I didn't know, and my mom told me about the four of them. Guan Yu, who stabbed people with a folding triangular stab, seemed to be sentenced, but he was not yet 14 years old, so he could only enter the juvenile detention center. and Zhang Fei and Zhao Yun, who took the lead in grabbing money, are the same, and they all have to enter the juvenile detention center. Because there are people in the family, and they are not the masterminds, Ma is forced to participate, so he has no responsibility at all. After saying that, they just didn't say me, I was thinking, what about me? Am I going to a juvenile detention center too? My mother began to educate me again, saying: Our family is a working family, our family has no money and no capable big people, if it weren't for your aunt's help, you would have to go to the juvenile detention center. Hearing this, I knew that I didn't have to go to the juvenile detention center, and I breathed a long sigh of relief. My mother continued: It is still the period of the crackdown, and although I don't have to go to the juvenile detention center, it is impossible to go to junior high school this year. I was immediately dumbfounded and asked, "Why?" My mother told me that the school told me to skip one level and have to go to grade 6 again!
After listening to this, I cried at the time, and my parents didn't expect me to cry suddenly, and they were shocked. However, they were worried that if I went back to school to repeat my studies, I would be retaliated against by the teacher, and Huang Mao's family might also retaliate against me, so my parents decided to let me repeat the grade at home. That is, take a year off from school and wait until next year to enter junior high school. I don't want to, but I can't help it, and this is probably the best way to deal with it. I asked my mother again: How much did our family lose? My mother didn't tell me, but just taught me to say: You will stay at home honestly for me for 1 year, and you are not allowed to go anywhere, and no one is allowed to find me! That's it, I took a break from school at home, and I repeated a grade.
It's a long time to take a break from school, especially when I'm still in the middle of puberty. Although I was a little sensible at the time, I was still just a child. Since my birthday is relatively small, it is in January, and I studied a year late. At that time, most northern cities went to elementary school at the age of 8, so I went to school at the age of 9. I'm 15 years old now, and after taking a year off, I have to be 16 years old before I can go to the first year of junior high school. Every time I think that my classmates and my beautiful little girlfriend are already in junior high school, I envy them to death. I regretted it countless times in my heart, I really shouldn't have robbed the money in the first place.
One year is a long time, I was locked in the house by my parents every day, and even went out with my father or my mother every time I went out. The only people I could reach were relatives, and every time I saw them, they were educating me and reproaching me. Over time, I became reticent, not talkative, not laughing, not crying, not exercising. Every day, I only play Xiaobawang at home and read comic books. At the time, a friend of my mom was a newsstander, so I couldn't finish reading comic books. I have read a series of comics such as "Aralei", "Ranma 2/1", "The King of Destruction", "Fist of the Big Dipper", "The Arrival of the Holy Son" and so on. In 1996, when I read new comics every day, I didn't brag about it, it was definitely only seen by children from rich families, and ordinary students didn't look down on it at all.
When I had read enough comics, I started to have bad ideas, and during the day, when my parents were not at home, I pried open the drawer where my parents locked things, and there were 3 things in the drawer, which accompanied me for 96 years. 1 pornographic novel, 1 pornographic videotape, and a pornographic photo album. I just learned to at the age of 16 and was addicted to it. I became ill because I didn't speak for a long time and didn't communicate with the outside world. My personality became very withdrawn, and I went from being a very naughty kid to a little monster. My parents also sensed that something was wrong with me, and they didn't continue to lock me up at home, so that I could go out and play casually. It was the spring of 1996, and although I was free, I continued to stay at home and never go anywhere. I didn't say a word all day, and sometimes my neighbors came to my house to talk to me, and I never paid attention to them. It's the same when you go to a relative's house, don't talk, don't pay attention to people.
My parents were a little scared, knowing the severity of the matter, and felt that I couldn't go on like this. So my parents took me to the hospital, and I was diagnosed with depression by the doctor. When I came home from the hospital, my parents began to blame themselves and regretted that they shouldn't have locked me in the house every day. At that time, my parents started to quarrel again, and they kept arguing every day, and the quarrel was particularly fierce. Ever since I got this disease, I had to take a white pill every day, and my mom would talk to me every two days. Every conversation was about a vague topic, and I knew she was hinting at me, wondering if I was having suicidal thoughts or other abnormal thoughts. At that time, I said that there were no abnormal thoughts, but in fact, they were all fake, and I was really sick, not pretending. I fantasize every day at home, I think about comic books, I think wildly, I think about pornography videos. At that time, I had no idea of going back to school at all, but gradually I began to resist going back to school. I didn't want to go to school in my heart, I didn't want to see my classmates, I was afraid that they would laugh at me for being a repeater.
When I was in elementary school, I thought that the gangsters at the school gate were very good, and I always hoped that after I went to junior high school, I would also come out and be a gangster. But now my mind has completely changed, and I told my mom that I don't want to go back to school. I was ready for them to beat me, but instead of beating me, my parents coaxed me to go to school. I've been emphasizing that the past is in the past, and let me start anew. Summer is slowly coming, and the day of school is getting closer and closer. Ever since I knew that I was going to school right away, I began to have nightmares every night, and in my dreams I was the yellow hair who was stabbed to death by Guan Yu, lying on the ground covered in blood. And the intestines all over the ground, and his painful expression, this nightmare I have been doing on and off for more than 1o years.
I still can't hide from what I should dodge, and I still have to go to school after all. However, I heard from my parents that there seemed to be something wrong with the formalities for going to school. Because I was on a sabbatical leave at home, the school seemed to have forgotten that I was still a person. In the end, my dad went to school several times, and he was busy with everything else to get to junior high school, and the school had been open for 1 week. My parents did a lot of psychological work for me the day before I went to school. I finally accepted the reality that I had to go to junior high school a year later. On the first day of school, my mom took me to the school and found the principal. The principal handed me over to the Director of Instruction, and finally the Director of Instruction took me to the classroom. At the door of the classroom, a female teacher was called. Then I said a few words to her, mainly about my background, which basically meant: I am a repeater who has taken a year off from school at home, and I have done fights, beating teachers, and robbing things like that. And the main thing is that I have mental illness, depression! Let her take me well and report to him if there is any situation.
During this period, I kept my head down and didn't speak, the female teacher took me into the classroom, and I looked up and saw that the door number was 1 year 12. When I walked into the classroom, I saw a room full of students, at least 6o people, crowded. Our class of students was the largest in the last 1o years or so, and I only had 4o students when I was in elementary school. I felt a sense of panic in my heart, a little scared, and I thought I was really sick. I used to wonder if I was pretending to be sick, but this time, it seems that I am really mentally ill! The teacher gave you a brief introduction to me and arranged for me to sit on a chair in the last row, as there was no desk in that position. The teacher said, "When it's noon, go to my office and move a desk." I nodded and walked to the back, the eyes of more than 6o people in the class focused on me. My heart was beating very fast, I felt nauseous, very nauseous, I didn't want to go to school, I wanted to go home!
I didn't listen much to the morning class, and I hadn't adapted to the school environment yet. At noon, a classmate came to talk to me, probably asking me if I was the boss of the Five Tigers of XX Elementary School, who killed a big bastard and repeated a grade. I didn't pay attention to them, I annoyed them, maybe we made a big fuss, it turned out that the elementary school classmates knew about our deeds, and the school must have taken us as a bad example of education and held a school-wide briefing meeting. It is estimated that the students who are one year lower than me must know about it, and more than half of the students in our elementary school will come to this junior high school. Of course, I'm definitely famous, and although it's been a year, the heroic deeds of the five of us are still circulating. They don't know that I'm just a psychopath, a depressive nerd.