Question: How can I help a twenty-five or sixteen-year-old man who is old at home and addicted to online novels all day long?

As soon as I was twenty-five or sixteen years old, I knew all day long that I read those fake magic novels, as if I was looking for spiritual sustenance. In real life, he is a real gnawing old man, and he doesn't understand the world, how should I help him?

Answer: (by Chi Hui)

Let's talk about it.

I'm a woman. Year 28. Single, freelancer.

When I was in college, I hung up three major courses just to break through a WOW copy. I went to see a psychiatrist before graduating.

She made me understand: I'm not crazy and I'm not sick.

You say that your "old watch" is an old man who reads online novels at home all day long. Refusal to work or go out to reach out to society. I used to do the same, but I replaced the web novel with a game.

I know that feeling, say no to the whole world.

No, I don't want to work. No, I don't want to reach out to people I hate, no, I hate the world. No, I don't, no.

From one point of view, he looks disgusting and envious: his parents take care of his money, his food, clothing, housing, his life, his daily life.

But let's put it another way: this man, he has no say in his own life. He can't decide what he's going to eat for lunch because his mom (or dad) has done it. He couldn't decide when he would go to bed because his mom did. He couldn't decide how much he wanted to spend and how he spent it, because his money came from his parents. The only thing he can control is probably his hands, his eyes and his, if he still has sexual desire.

It's a huge baby. When we say the word "giant baby", we probably think of despicability. But if we replace it with "baby", then in addition to "cute", there is probably "helpless" among the adjectives that are prioritized in our minds.

That's why this man says no to his whole life. No, I don't want to get better. No, I don't want to work, no, I don't want your help, I'm going to rot like this.

This way, along with his own life, was the only way he could separate himself from his parents' control. Not a smart approach, right? But not everyone is wise, and everyone has done stupid things, and some may be even more stupid than him. His parents have taken over his entire life, and he has to bring someone else along to occupy it (such as asking you to "help him"). There may be only one way left for him. Don't say anything like, "Wouldn't it be okay to move out?" Some people can't, not because they're more fragile than others, but because their parents are more tenacious than others in keeping their children on a leash with them. Otherwise, why don't they say something specific to you, "Help my child find a job in another place"? They want children like this, some kind of Cheng dù on.

Imagine another way: this old cousin of yours, he followed his parents' advice to find a job, started a family, bought a house near where his parents lived, and borrowed some of his parents' money to pay for the down payment. I have a wife and maybe a child. Would you worry about him?

You won't. You think that's a sound person.

I have seen many such "able-bodied people" who are crazy about giving money to spiritual masters, crazy about drinking or gambling, crazy about traveling or crazy about finding juniors. Or simply jump off a tall building. Of course, there are also many "able-looking people" who have lived their lives in this way, and their children follow their trajectory. They don't go mad, they don't do great evil. But they will cheat, beat their own children, and let the old mother rot in the hospital bed, gluttony, obesity......

When a person surrenders control of his life, he is bound to be angry unless he is a baby. There must be an outlet for this anger. Whether it's like your old watch or like what I described above, it varies from person to person. In fact, starting to say "no" is a good sign. This proves that he still has the strength to refuse. And not "he has no strength to live anymore".

If you really want to help him. Just help him move out of the house. He had to be at least 24 hours away from his parents by train and look for a job across provinces.

Otherwise, it might as well be left alone. Some parents just want their children to rot around them rather than grow them up in a distant place.

Back to the beginning: Do I look like an able-bodied person now?

No.

Some people think that I have shortcomings and shortcomings, and that I have problems in my head. Because I am 28 years old, single, no boyfriend, no intention of getting married and having children. Also because I quit my job to write novels at home and live on manuscript fees. It's also because my home isn't tidy enough, and I don't look rich enough.

I stumbled all the way.

When I was a junior, I said, no. I don't want to read. No, I don't want to go to graduate school. No, I don't want this major.

I play World of Warcraft and fight like crazy. I write science fiction, write like crazy. I didn't have an independent financial source at the time, but I made two money: manuscript fees, and money from the sale of gold coins in World of Warcraft.

This is my "own money". For the first time in my life, I had "my own money".

It's like you've been drowning for more than a decade and you're able to breathe for the first time.

I abandoned my major, my university and the place called Shanghai, a place that was so bustling that I couldn't cope with. One person, one suitcase, went away to Chengdu.

No, I don't want to be a teacher, no, I don't want to get ahead, no, I don't want to go abroad. No, I don't want you to give me money to support me, I want to go to work and earn money on my own.

I became an editor.

I resigned after four years.

No, I don't want to work here anymore.

I wrote novels for a year and published two books. A sci-fi novel, a World of Warcraft fanfiction. The crazy game at the beginning eventually paid off with a thick portfolio of work.

At that time, there were people who came running to "help" me. You can't do that, you have to have a job. You can't do that, you have to have a boyfriend. You can't do this, you have to ......

I'm good at saying no. Remember? I've been very good at saying no from the beginning. Saying "no, I don't want it" is my power.

No, I don't want a boyfriend, no, I don't want a job, no, I don't. I don't want what you think is a good life, I want my own life, even though it doesn't look good. But who the cares how you look?

I wrote for a year and got another job. Worked for a year and a half. Resign again. I've published two more books. One is signed, one is not.

In the past year, I have written four novels, three of which are already in the publishing process. My manuscript fees and royalties are enough to support my life - poor, but my own.

Rejection is a strength. Even if you reject the life that ordinary people think "you should" live, it is the same. Refuse to prove that you are alive.

If the landlord can think about why your old watch refuses to work from this perspective, maybe you will know how to help him.

Two additional points: I am not in favor of gnawing the old. But I'm even more in favor of interfering with the gnawing of the old.

There are two kinds of people in this world, those who are responsible and those who are responsible. The person who delegates responsibility thinks that he is responsible for others, and that others are naturally responsible for themselves. The self-responsible person believes that anyone must and can only be held accountable for the consequences of their words and actions.

I'm a self-responsible person. I have no objection to the way of life of the trustees, although from time to time they come to me or hold me accountable......

My life is not very "good". I refuse to force a smile not because I am strong, but because I am tired and tired. I grabbed writing not so that it would be the crown of my life, but so that it could sustain my shattered life.

I sue you guys how I said "no". But I can't tell you what I refuse.

One lady said that most people would not do what I did.

But in fact, we're all pretty much the same. We are all "the majority". We are all living inch by inch, picking up life piece by piece. The difference is only in silence, or screaming.

A few friends sent me private messages asking me what I should do so that I could pursue the life I wanted while saying "no".

Here are a few answers.

Solve it step by step.

First of all, you don't look like you have any money. Then money is the first step. The average cost of an independent living in a big city (without working) is 4K-6K per month. It is 5-80,000 yuan a year. You can set a goal to save up enough money. This is equivalent to saving a year of independence for yourself.

The second is to "be prepared for the things you like." What kind of work do you enjoy? What do you want to do? What do you have to learn in order to become such a person? What do you prepare? What are some of the things you have the strength to do right now? Start doing it. When I graduated from college, I set myself a goal: to become a freelancer. I saved 100,000 yuan in reserve money for this purpose, and wrote three novels and many short stories in my spare time. My work is a bit depressing, but I have a lot of joy in writing. Society is not obligated to make you happy, but you have a responsibility to take care of yourself.

You will inevitably have to endure a lot of things along the way, including nasty jobs, stupid bosses, pressure from your family, you may cry once or twice or many times, or you may go crazy and scratch the wall. The people around you are all suffering from this as much as you do. But they all have reasons to endure, and you, too, have reasons to endure. You need money and time to prepare.

At last. When you have savings, you're ready to go. Just let it go. The first time may not be successful, but that doesn't stop you from trying a second time. Remember, just because someone predicted that you failed and you did fail doesn't mean they're right, or that you can't do it again.

In this process, you have to be ready to "land". Landing means that in this world, when you decide to take a leap to pursue your own life, it will not always reward you with glory and gain.

It is very likely that your life will be at rock bottom, with no money, no support from your family, and even your own courage and even the strength to live. There are three fulcrums that "land" should be prepared before this:

One or two friends you trust who care about whether or not you're greeting them today (even online).

A reliable doctor/counselor.

A reserve fund that you will never use until you are exhausted can be used for at least three months or more until you find a job to make ends meet and support your life.

I've landed once, twice. I wanted to kill myself, once. The mountains and rivers are exhausted. Twice.

When I have nothing, I go back and do what I did again. Get a new job, do some odd jobs, save up a reserve fund, and get ready again. And then again. I resigned twice. Do odd jobs several times. This time I've been holding on for a year and a half, jumping in the air, and the dog is busy and tossing and working poor. Sometimes insomnia, sometimes screaming, sometimes writing until you forget to sleep and eat, sometimes being so happy that you can't help yourself, sometimes crying all the time.

Never regretted it.