Today, I'm lying in bed with my eyes closed.

I've been thinking about this question, this question has been bothering me for a long time, why I will go to a point of no return step by step, just because my previous careful observation mind, little by little deterioration, is the reason why I go farther and farther.

Lose three or four, yes! That's it, whenever I'm ready to do something well, I always forget what I was going to do at the beginning, and that's the essence.

It's not that I don't want to do well, it's just that I'm too serious. I want to be a scholar with my own affairs first, so I write something with the goal of learning, hoping that I can make a career and forget the original things.

Why do I say this, just because I am also forced by life! I have to live, too! I can't afford not to support my family, right? Don't I want to raise them? The answer is, yes.

Actually, I want to raise them, then I should take their survival as the first place to do, only in this way, can I pick up the original intention, at the beginning, that pure heart, to create a beautiful, harmonious, and mutually helpful living environment for myself.

I don't want to, when I go out, I have to run for money, I can't feel the joy of life, so I have to persevere, this process is very dull, the most lonely, the most helpless, the most sad process.

Many friends may wonder, what have you experienced? The reason why I have such an idea is just because I came back from college, came back home, and spent all day doing nothing, aimlessly, meaninglessly, I just want to spend the rest of my life quietly.

This family is not easy to raise! Four mouths, waiting to eat! If I don't think of a way out, am I still a human being? In that way, I have become a ghost, a lonely ghost, wandering around this house, not taking the door seriously, entering when I want, leaving when I want.

This is a mistake that many people will make, regard home as a real, belonging to their own home, do what they want to do, do not take into account the feelings of their family at all, take money casually, smoke cigarettes casually, do not clean hygiene, and do not help the family take it seriously, you know that entertainment and pastime are accompanied by the loss of three and four, this loss of three and four, what is going on?

One, wholeheartedly, do one thing, do one thing and forget one thing, a bit of a monkey moving corn.

Second, the purpose of scattering is not a correct value, outlook on life, and world view.

Third, run around for money and look at money wholeheartedly.

Fourth, be wise and cautious.

Fifth, they ignore life and do not see the value of life.

Sixth, safety first, think that your own life, is the most important.

Seventh, work hard and focus on the life of a productive force.

Eighth, the idea is simple, thinking that he is really God.

Ninth, the era of science and technology, the age of information, is really powerful.

Ten, fluke psychology, thinking that what you are doing, others don't know, but you don't know, in fact, others have lost your underwear.

……

These are the reasons for my split personality, so I stayed at home and did not dare to step out of my house and integrate into society. I'm afraid that others will harm me, and I'm afraid that others will take my affairs on the line, so I often lose everything, don't clean, don't do housework, eat family food, and only know how to have fun, this rain has trapped me at home, I can't get out, I want to go out, it's impossible, I can't melt in.

This home makes me very comfortable, I don't want to go out, I don't dare to go out, as long as I go out, I ...... I really don't know what to say. How so? It's a comfortable life, it's beautiful, I recommend that you don't go out, the outside world is terrible. It's so scary that you doubt your life and your own original intention.

I don't hold grudges, you are tolerant of me, I will reassure you, Dad...... Mom...... I'm guilty! This sin even feels unforgivable to me, and I have the mentality of self-abandonment, but I don't want to die! Everyone is human, you have raised me for so long, how can I let you down, let my father, mother, and brother down. You are my backbone!

I really want to go out for a walk, and the life at home makes me feel very helpless, my heart aches faintly, my mind has become insensitive, and I have taken everything lightly. Dignity, don't want it. Friendship, don't want it. Love is no more. Even the heart of continuing the children and grandchildren, I am gone.

I'd love to say these things to you, but I'm afraid!!

I can't talk to anyone, because my heart has deteriorated, like a pear stung by a bee, bright on the outside, but rotten on the inside, Mom and Dad, what the hell should I do?

I don't think I'll ever know the answer in my life. So, my story is hard to talk about, if you want to listen to my story, a cigarette, I will tell you, you will find out whether I am worthy of your efforts, the company of my family, whether it is worth it, whether it should be, whether it is sad.

That day, I sat alone on the stone bench on the side of the road, smoking the last cigarette I bought with money, and I can't remember how much money was left, I couldn't remember how much money was left.

Suddenly, a friend named Brother Qiu sent me a message, "What are you doing?" Let's go play games together when we have time! ”

Me: "I don't have any money on me." I told a lie, but there was actually a little bit of it.

Brother Qiu was silent for a while, "How much do you want to borrow?" ”

I thought about it, and there was a play: "200 yuan."

Brother forced me to reply quickly: "WeChat transfer to you!"

Me: "Thank you, brother."

Brother Qiang: "It's okay, everyone is a brother."

Me: "I'm sure I'll pay you back in the future." But there was a little joy in my heart.

Brother Force: "Hmm"

At this moment, the teacher called a place for me, "Kazamimatsu, where are you now?" Why haven't you gone back to school yet? ”

I looked at the 200 yuan that was transferred, "I'm still outside, and when the time comes, I will definitely go back, but not now." ”

Teacher, "How do you talk to the teacher?" ”

I, thinking about where to stay at night, hung up the phone after a few perfunctory words, and it was at this time that another teacher called me, "Kazamimatsu, your father called me and asked where you are?" Are you still outside? Why haven't you come back yet? ”

The thought of being able to ...... at night

I hung up the phone and said a few casual words.

My dad called me again and asked me where I was. I said I was at school, and he continued to ask, but I didn't say much, but at that moment, I was standing at the school gate, and she didn't come, hehe! What a life!