Today I am thirty years old.

As usual, write an essay on your birthday every year. As of this morning, there is no concept of what should be written, not that there is nothing to write, but there is too much to write. Not long ago, I told people that when you look at yourself when you are ten years old, you are yourself when you are ten years old, you look at yourself when you are twenty years old, you are twenty years old self, and when you look at yourself at thirty, you will find that your ten-year-old self, your twenty-year-old self and your thirty-year-old self are all standing together. They left so many traces that they couldn't be separated.

Well, I have thirty years to write.

In the past, I wanted to write something lighthearted, or pragmatic, and not difficult to understand, but then I thought about it, and at the beginning of today, I should write something metaphysical and false.

Talking about the three concepts, combined, maybe it is most of me, there are some weird things during the period, and if you look at it, you will understand the reason.

One of them:

At the end of 2014, I went to Beijing Lu Xun Academy of Literature for two months, and one of the lectures was given by Professor Dai Jinhua from Peking University. Here's the difference between the two.

Ms. Dai Jinhua's research at Peking University is not about language, but about film, mass media, etc. I have also heard about this concept before, after the lecture, as usual, there is a question time, I first arrived at the Lu Academy, raised my hand to ask a question, the question is probably this: the basic meaning of words is to convey thinking. In "The Three-Body Problem" and many science fiction works, it has also been described that the entire group is ruled by a mother like the ant family, and it is believed that it is a way for organisms to evolve to a high point. Our words directly express the meaning with graphics, while Western characters first turn the meaning into syllables, and then use icons to express the basic syllables. Are there any objective factors for the divergence between these two developments? and the inevitability of development.

This question is a bit confusing, because it has nothing to do with the content of Professor Dai Jinhua's course, but just picked a topic on the leftovers to make an extension, Professor Dai Jinhua was stunned for a moment, and then said: This may not be inevitable.

I asked: Maybe it's just an accident?

She said, "yes."

I had a lot of thoughts about this later, but I won't discuss it here, and that's why I'm saying it. Because, this question seems arbitrary. But for me, it's so important that I keep my head going around all the time.

For me, one of the most fascinating aspects of language is the transmission of ideas.

I was thirty years old and didn't go to college. Writing online novels is still not really recognized by the society - of course, I have studied at the Lu Academy, participated in several conferences that are not big or small, and I have not joined the Writers' Association. My grades are only passed on in a small area, and I am only a web novel author who is not up to the limit, but if you ask me seriously, "What exactly are you doing?" I might reply, "I do the transmission, the transmission of thoughts." ”

The Bible. Old testament. There's a myth in the Book of Genesis, which I've always loved, in ancient times, because humans were not separated by language, they were incomparably powerful, and they worked together to build the Tower of Babel, trying to seize the authority of the gods, and the gods didn't destroy them, but just made them all start speaking different languages, and then the humans fell into mutual suspicion and war, and they were never able to unite again, and the Tower of Babel collapsed.

This is really an incomparably simple and incomparably profound philosophy, and almost all of the differences and problems of human beings come from the opacity of each other's thinking. In my twenty-seven-year-old essay, I wrote about the relationship between wild boars and morality, in the triangle of profit, morality, and deception, from which deception comes from, and from this also gave birth to the colorful human world, all comedy and tragedy, all rules and status quo.

Language and writing is the most important way to complete human beings, it is used to convey other people's ideas, intentions, and carry the wisdom of others, whether it is the cognition of scientific laws or the perception of life, we can accumulate through guò words, pass on to future generations, so that they can grow rapidly, and do not necessarily need to go through one by one, so that when they experience the same challenges, they may make better choices and have a better life.

Human society, therefore, acquires evolution.

From the time I first came across the notion that words have limits and cannot express all thoughts in Haruki Murakami's book when I was in my early twenties, it almost seemed like a sudden enlightenment, and in the next ten years - about ten years - I have been thinking tirelessly about how to translate my thinking into words that are as accurate as possible, and I have thrown away the flowery unnecessary tones that I don't even understand, leaving simple branches, and then making the leaves flourish, and then pruning, and so on. Now, as I continue to trim this tone, I'm thirty years old.

Some people think my writing is good, others don't. Of course, each has its own reasons.

Second:

Tell me about my character. For my part, I have great character flaws.

Such character defects stem from the wrong order and structure in the wrong way when receiving education. When I was enlightened, my grandfather taught me a very correct and upright way of thinking, and then I read Lu Xun, when I was studying, I imitated Lu Xun's pen tone in my composition, my writing was not good, the teacher said that my thinking was not good, I was puzzled and thought, I was criticizing bad things, why was it me who had bad thoughts? After thinking about it, this is the initial disagreement and incompatibility - each of us, to a greater or lesser extent, has experienced this.

What followed me was an era of rapid change, and a reader once said in a book review that I had witnessed the afterglow of that era, and indeed, when I was a child, I witnessed the afterglow of an era when the changes were not drastic, and then there were drastic changes, the impact of various ideas, and the worldview that I had established was incompatible with the world. And then. I gave up on college because of my family's woes, and when I gave up college, knowledge no longer had weight in my mind, and without weight, there was no awe. I dismantled a qiē at will, and as a result, all orthodox knowledge lost its meaning.

I often tell people that the so-called "meaning" comes from the "sense of ceremony", when we were children, we all discussed how to place the dishes and chopsticks and how to sit in a serious way. How to feed the rice. We sweep the graves on the Qingming Festival, kneel down, how to kneel, kowtow a few times - for pure materialists, are these related to ghosts and gods? No, they are only about ourselves, and when we do it seriously, it will produce the weight of "meaning".

In the simplest explanation: when we have put a great deal of effort into something. We will automatically convince ourselves in our hearts to do things. It is the meaning of zài.

So later, when some book friends who didn't want to study came to me and asked me if they wanted to go to university or continue their studies, I would persuade them to continue, not only for knowledge, but more for it. In order for them to feel the dedication they have made and the heavy stuff when they enter the society, then they tell themselves: "I am ready." ”

I entered society when I wasn't ready, and then I lost a qiē awe. I think everything can be structured with basic logic, and my brain is also very useful, when I encounter an incident, my brain will automatically go back thousands or even tens of thousands of years ago, from the primitive society to construct logic, and then push it back to the present ring by ring, looking for all the causes of this thing, if I can find the cause, my mind can pass. As I told three years ago about the wild boar, the cause of morality.

For a while I suspected that I might have some kind of psychosis called Asperger's syndrome, a type of person who uses logic to construct emotional thinking, and even tried to use logic to form a set of guidelines for speaking to people during the period when I was least good at communicating with people......

There is no doubt that I have tasted the bitter fruit.

If I only saved a few questions about the zài, maybe I wouldn't be able to write like I am now. Half a year ago, I saw a sentence that probably went something like this: the most important thing for a good writer is sensitivity, and for some things, others have not felt pain, they are already in pain, and if they want to endure the pain, they have to be humorous......

I often tell people that I have no literary talent, but I probably have a sensitive element. I sometimes see that we are born in the 80s, after entering the society, I don't know how to be good, change my three views, distort my spirit, in the struggle, no one knows what's wrong with this, until one day - most people - take money and power as a measure of a qiē standard, as a criterion for success, constantly pursued, the pursuit of people, and feel dissatisfied, always feel that something is missing, people began to miss the former youth, young, but a large number of "Hurry That Year" But in retrospect, even if money and power can't satisfy themselves, they have to continue to pursue. It's a bit of a high-pitched song here, isn't it?

Sometimes when trying to deconstruct ourselves, deconstruct the entire human race, put it on the time of the whole earth or even the universe, and then see the wind and sand roll up, and in an accidental moment, a beautiful pattern is drawn, we produce the so-called wisdom, we adapt to the world, change the world, and in the end destroy the world, and eventually perish...... I can't find the meaning of being able to live forever - it's a middle two again, right?

If I think of these things when I am eighteen years old, and my three views are not yet complete, then it is indeed a middle and second love that can be changed, and when I am thirty years old, I will come back to this issue, and it will be a real thing.

This passage may be about the ultimate nihilistic proposition, and I don't really want to discuss it with anyone. Under normal circumstances, it is the second explosion of the table, and the shame is off the table, and mentioning it is also to enter the third point.

After stating these two points, let's move on to the third point: let's talk about the online article.

I have been writing online articles for many years, although when I went to Lu Yuan, I insisted that there is no distinction between literature and the Internet, but in fact, there is. Some call it traditional literature and popular literature, while others call it elite literature and popular literature, and we think that there is such a division.

I'm serious about writing books, and I still dare to say that to anyone with all my confidence. There were dreams of being a writer - and there are still - but the definition of a writer is somewhat different.

Two days ago, Hunan Province held the Sixth Young Writers' Conference, which is said to be held once every five years, but this time it took a gap of 10 years. When it comes to online literature, I say that today's online literature may not be the future of literature, but it contains the most important link that is missing from traditional literature that is currently in trouble.

They are: attractive, persuasive.

I used to define literature. It is customary to say that traditional literature focuses on the excavation and speculation of one's own spirit, while online literature focuses on transmission and communication.

In this definition, traditional literature digs deep into the self, and its depth determines the height, even if there are many people who can't understand it, people with a high ideological realm can see it, and they communicate in a very high place, and I don't think they have no value. On the contrary, these ideas can be said to be the most shining treasures of human development, and I am sincerely convinced.

And online literature, what we care more about is how to get something in our minds to the hearts of readers. Over the years, we have accumulated a lot of experience and techniques. Of course, there are good and bad. There are benign and bad. After all, online literature is still a mixed discipline.

When I was studying in Lu Academy, one day, I accidentally met a teacher on the road and talked about the topic of disagreement, and the other party was a very good teacher. But after all, I don't know much about online literature, so let's talk about some things. I was like, "I've seen a lot of authors, they can't make money, they're forced by life, when they want to make money with words." They will go headlong in the most extreme direction of the past, and give up all their original speculation. People go to extremes like this.

The other party said: But we do have many authors, who are sticking to the declining atmosphere of this society, they are not for money, they try their best to resist the influence of social atmosphere, and their speculation is very important to society, and it cannot be done without......

The first thought that popped into my mind at that time was: The impact of reform and opening up over the past 30 years, the decline of spiritual civilization, and the impact on more than a billion people, can we explain the past by saying "I have done my best"? There may be such persistent authors, one or two, who are all respectable, but in the past thirty years, isn't it responsible for the weakness of the entire literary circle?

Literature is the beginning of spiritual civilization!

I didn't dare to say.

In the interview the day before yesterday, I mentioned the best literature, and when I asked what the best literature is, I didn't really have a very specific concept, and said: It can really make people's spirits harmonious, when we say, "Your life should not be just about money and power." "People will really believe that it can have real persuasive power, it can entertain and educate, and infect the most popular people, instead of making people feel that they are singing a high tone after they finish speaking, it can reshape the three views for a person, and it can truly leave the experience of the predecessors to future generations......

I said a few, but it wasn't so organized at the time, I'm afraid I didn't see it on the news.

Science and technology will continue to develop, in science and technology, there is a difference between theoretical science and applied science, theoretical science stands at the top, it does not make too much money, but it can win the Nobel Prize, when they make breakthroughs, applied science - a qiē in our life, can be derived.

The spirit does not develop dramatically, and the state of the apex of the spirit, or infinitely close to the apex, appeared thousands of years ago. Confucius said: Seventy and do what you want, do not exceed the rules. It is such a thing, when we understand many things in the world and have an understanding with the world, we are spiritually united, we are free from pain, we can be peaceful and joyful, but not negative numbness. That is the apex of the spirit, but in each era, the things encountered are different, in every person whose life is only a few decades, the way to weave and shape the three views for them may be different, and there may be very few who can finally reach this state, but in each generation, this may be the apex of our pursuit.

There is also a culminating genre in literature, which is theoretical literature, where we explore the use of every penmanship, every novel way of writing, the inspirational technique, and the exploration of spiritual formation. Such a thing can win the Mao Dun Literature Award, or the Nobel Prize in Literature. Under this, applied literature excavates its own spiritual depth on its foundation and inspiration, shapes it with words, and transmits it to others. Traditional literature and online literature are both in this category, and there are those who are highly critical and have too little research, and those who explore and transmit online literature often lack speculation.

This is already a big country with 1.4 billion people reading. We went through a lot of problems before that. I used to be a person who was inclined to think in the public sense, and I longed for democracy, and in the last year or two, I want to maintain the country in such rapid development. Back on the second stage of the world, if historically, the current period of time may be unimaginable prosperity, a certain part of my heart has begun to feel proud of this country again, and some states have returned to the position of five cents, at least part of it, we are sure, and I still yearn for democracy. It's just that the yearning for democracy has become more complicated, and the people are incapable of self-determination, so how can we talk about democracy?

But in any case, spiritual development is still at a low ebb.

Of course, there is a saying for this. To correctly shape a person's three views, there is a set of methods, in ancient times. The Confucian method lasted for many years, and they had a lot of established experience -- let's not talk about how good or bad Confucianism was in the end. But to train a certain person into a certain state, their method has been going on for thousands of years -- after the May Fourth Movement, we have knocked down the framework, and if we can't establish a new framework, how can we train a person? There is no mature system.

Just like I learned from Lu Xun, I did see some people who are not good, there are bad people, why did I point them out, I actually became the one with bad thoughts? Of course, the teacher will say. I want your exam and future to be good, but in this way, the process of shaping the spiritual system will also go wrong.

From time to time, we encounter all kinds of things that are out of place in society.

We laugh it off and take it as usual, and one day, these things will seep into the details of your spirit bit by bit. Once I was chatting with a friend on the plane, he was a local tyrant, but said: "My most monthly income is 4.5 million, but I still feel unreliable, I can only make more money, but how much can I earn?" ”

Four and a half million a month, still not steady, for some people, this is a disease-free moan, right? Hypocritical, right? But I think it's definitely not about money, he doesn't necessarily know it, but he can only continue to make money.

Whether we are poor or rich, I think that in our generation, there must be such and such a deficiency, we go after something, but in the end, the pursuit of something, can not comfort ourselves, only at the end of the day, we feel anxious and the weight of life.

I want to attribute my own problems to the weakness of the literary and spiritual circles in the past 30 years, and in the best expectations, the environment in which I live should give me a mellow spirit, but I really can't blame each and every one of them, and I can't even blame the literary circle, because the damage we have done so much before. But if it is placed here, when the traditional literary circle continues to be barren and shrinking, and the reasoning they talk about is becoming more and more unable to move people, we only say that "some people stick to it" and "do their best", how can we explain the sacrifices of the next generation?

Since you have so many good things, why don't you go to self-study and study entertainment, study the transmission, and try to infect as many people as possible without compromise?

Some time ago, I don't know whether Tsinghua University or Peking University, a professor who studies online literature led students to post articles on the website, and after a period of time, it was only a few hundred clicks, commonly known as hitting the street, and they were greatly surprised. But their basic attitude is wrong in the first place, if the university can really regard entertainment and connotation as literary factors that account for 50% of the importance - I am talking about sincere propaganda, maybe in less than ten years, the current online literature circle will no longer exist.

However, for the upper class, this is another dangerous thing, standing on the side of entertainment, or on the side of connotation, may be commonplace, only the advocate of standing on the middle of the road, may be the most vulnerable.

But this is a society of 1.4 billion people, 1.4 billion people are mentally impoverished, and people laugh at housewives for watching soap operas, but they never take the initiative to change her - they think it can't be done. People with a high-end spiritual level are high up, as if waiting for the day when these housewives suddenly like their things, is it possible? After people leave school, there is no compulsion to study, spiritual poverty, and they can live a lifetime, but one day they suddenly feel that something is missing, the world has become bad, on the other hand, even the school, in shaping people's spirit, is almost equal to zero.

How much of a moral essay in a textbook can convince today's students? One day I was reading a paper for a friend (not the author). One of the paragraphs is as follows (don't look closely):

"Higher education is at the highest level of education and plays a guiding role, and the scale and level of development of higher education in a country often become a symbol of the scale and level of education development in the country, as well as a symbol of the country's science and technology, civilization and comprehensive national strength. The material civilization of a country depends critically on the level of science and technology in that country, the same. The key to the level of science and technology in a country lies in the scale and level of the country's educational development, especially the scale and level of higher education. Therefore, to improve the quality and level of higher education in the country ......"

I don't mean to say that this essay is very problematic, but there is one thing that I am quite concerned about, and it may just be the author's negligence, but ...... Where is the spiritual civilization? When we talk about higher education, why do we focus on material civilization and not mention spiritual civilization?

If I use such a paper to generalize, I would be excessive. But one thing is obvious. The Shaping of Spiritual Civilization by Higher Education...... It's not as high as we thought.

When I talked to him about this, I said that our education is probably in the midst of the biggest problem in history, and the popularization of knowledge has not led to the improvement of people's education level, because in ancient times, education was the word for education. It is to shape the outlook on life and teach children how to behave. And now. The flood of knowledge leads to the disappearance of authority, and a ten-year-old child says a sentence of secondary two, and if it is placed on the Internet, there will be ten thousand people who are also secondary two to come over and huddle together to keep warm. Authority disappears, rightness disappears, any notion of a person growing up. will not get a chance to correct, a divergent point of view, people can sit wherever they want, without thinking, there must be 10,000 people to sit with you. Such people. What about the growth?

And the second half of my growth was like this.

Schools can only impart knowledge, and without the power to shape the outlook on life, society will be left behind. The speculations and experiences that could have been used to shape people hang at the top, so why can't they be added as part of the entertainment and put them down, like bait, to attract people?

So later, I no longer want to be a traditional writer like that, I still have a lot of respect for those who study theories, but in other directions, I think that the direction of this life can also be set here, I will be a kitsch Internet writer for the rest of my life, and do this thankless combination of exploration......

If, thirty years later, someone says that my spirit has been shaped like this by this world, you are responsible, and I can only say that as one in 1.4 billion, as a writer who wants to learn from Lu Xun, I have also tried my best.

After saying such a lengthy bunch of nonsense, many people are going to be annoyed, or have already been annoyed. But in any case, standing at thirty, these things that are either stupid or whimsical are what made me the root of my thinking, and what I want to stay at the point of thirty.

Back to the beginning.

I am thirty years old, life is good and bad, I still live in that small town, I write books, often rack my brains, often Kawen, but because of the tolerance and support of book friends, life is okay after all. Not in good health, occasional insomnia, tossing and turning. In the Carven period, life often loses its regularity due to anxiety. The house prices in the town are not high, I saved a sum of money, a month ago I bought a house by the lake, the twenty-fifth floor, overlooking a good view, a year later, the house was handed over to live in, my younger brother, no longer have to squeeze into the original balcony of the house to sleep.

I go out for a walk occasionally, and when the code is smooth, I can run and exercise. Sometimes I have a friend or two, sometimes I don't, and my most common pastime is to go to the cinema alone to watch a new blockbuster movie, although it is located in the busiest pedestrian street in town, but the cinema is still chartered a lot of the time, but luckily I am not interested in horror movies. Since the whole circle of life is only within a fifteen-minute walk, I don't know how to drive yet, and I don't plan to learn to drive and buy a car, so be it.

I often can't be sincere with my friends, because I have too many thoughts in my head, I use my brain excessively, and I often forget about people, and someone called me today to wish me a happy birthday, and I was already a person who had talked many times, but I didn't save his phone number, and I forgot his name. This may not be the first time you have met for the first time, and sometimes you go out to meet and ask, "Who are you?" "Often embarrassed, every time I feel this, I think the most sincere way can only be to make fewer friends, so I have to narrow the circle of life, if you are my friend, and please forgive me.

Of course, there are friends who have a stronger relationship, and sometimes they will go out to travel together, relax and relax, but never rush to the scenic spots. Unwilling to rush.

In this way, it seems like all I have for life.

Compared to the days when I grew up playing with mud and breathing the smoke and dust of cement factories, many things are getting better. I often miss and think of the ruined life, the bad habits I have developed in extremism and paranoia, but this qiē cannot be changed.

So, instead of sighing and feeling sorry for yourself......

Why don't you go about it?

Sincerely

――

salute

Angry bananas.

In the early hours of the morning after his thirtieth birthday. (To be continued......)