It was about the beginning of the 11th year that I wrote a New Year's essay, and now I have to flip through it, and the essay begins like this: "I just walked out of the renovated house an hour ago, the time was eleven o'clock in the morning, and the sun came out today, and it was very warm. I bought a house, which I handed over on December 30, and now I have the kitchen and toilet ......"

I still remember part of the feeling at that time, and I said in my essay that life is still much better than before, and after the renovation is completed, I think I can breathe a sigh of relief and concentrate on writing these things.

In fact, for more than a year from the second half of '10 to the first half of '11, I was in perhaps the most difficult situation of my whole life—so far.

At the beginning, in order to buy a house, I saved a sum of money, which was not much, tens of thousands of dollars were used to pay the down payment on the house. I'm a person who is used to planning – I don't bother to use my head for most things, but if I do, I usually do the math – and that amount of money is just enough for a down payment, maybe a little saving, but not much.

The thing encountered is also very simple, the house has been set in the second half of 10 years, a few months before the down payment, an uncle came to borrow money, he was doing pyramid schemes in Guilin, lost a lot of money, at this time coincided with the marriage of his son, the family can not take out much money, I hope this side can help. My father had some affection for him, and I inquired about it, and when my son got married, their family only took out 20,000 yuan, and I took out 10,000 yuan from the money to buy a house, thinking that this was a good effort, because according to the calculation, even if he didn't pay me back, when it came to the down payment date, the money I had in hand would not delay the purchase of the house - although the other party swore that he would pay it back.

But 10,000 is not enough. When the other party sees that there is still money here, he wants to continue to borrow. My father believed in him very much, and came over to help persuade him, saying that the other party was very trustworthy and a very good person, and that he still had a façade in Guilin, but in fact, he would sell it in the second half of the year, more than 100,000 Yunyun, and he would definitely not delay things here. I believed it, and then borrowed thirty-four thousand—a sum I remember very well—a sum that may not seem much now. Later, it became a noose around the neck.

Stand to reason. The money was not returned in time, and since the difficulty has passed, the matter of selling the façade will naturally not be mentioned again. And I was really pinching the amount of money too accurately, when the down payment date was approaching. There isn't much buffering. Then another thing happened. Banks have increased down payment borrowing from 20% to 30%. The money on hand is even more insufficient.

It's hard to describe in detail what it was like to be at the time, my parents didn't have much income at the time. My monthly remuneration of several thousand at home is already a high salary - we bought a house in a small place, and the price is not high, and because of this, when the monthly remuneration arrives, it is like a small glass of water in a sponge, which can always alleviate the problem, but the problem always follows closely behind.

Perhaps in the eyes of some people, this is also a minor problem, as long as you find someone to help. However, for my family at that time, one is that my younger brother has been sick since he was a child, and the family has sold his house and land in the process of treating him, and the relatives and friends who can borrow money have basically borrowed, and the other is that I grew up in this environment since I was a child, and because of these reasons, I didn't even go to college, not hungry but to buy a house, and I would never want to borrow money from anyone. So everything got to the point of more and more embarrassment.

The whole process lasted about a year, from the time I bought the house to the time I finished renovating it, and what I remember clearly now is the reversal of the day and night routine - basically going to bed when I was tired, getting up when I had slept enough, and continuing to sit in front of the computer to code or be in a daze - and when I turned on the light, I saw the hair that fell on the pillow every day.

At the age of twenty-five, I lost a year's worth of hair.

At that time, the huge burden was mainly psychological. Sometimes I'm so tired that I'll cry in the room - but I don't fucking admit it's a symbol of my sissy.

I talk about this now because time has passed. In fact, at that time, if I wanted to, I had another way to alleviate the situation.

It's okay to find a way to speed up the writing of the book.

I had already finished writing "Hidden Killing" at that time, and I had a part of the readership base, although "Alienation" had a lot of adjustments at the beginning, and the reputation was not as good as the finished "Hidden Killing", but the actual number of subscriptions was still higher than when "Hidden Killing" was updated. When I was writing "Hidden Killing", there were many voices asking me to speed up the update, and "Alienation" was even more. And then during that time, a lot of my psychological stress actually came from that book.

Now, if I had to describe it accurately, the pressure was that I was afraid that one day I would compromise with someone else, or something else.

I have always known that man is a creature who seeks meaning in the state he finds himself in. For example, if you are addicted to games, you will say that I have gained friendship in it; You are good at sports, you will say, those who don't exercise are sissies; If you know how to drink, you say that you are not a man if you don't drink; You are the underworld, and you will say that we preach morality and emphasize righteousness; If you write a book and write it quickly, you will say that I have a work ethic; Writing in general, you will say that we are just writing online articles; You just want to make money, "Isn't life just about money".

If one day I pick up the pace and even approach the cause in a perfunctory manner, I think I'll find all sorts of reasons for me to be proud: I've got more readers, I've got more people to praise me, I've had a work ethic, and I'm ...... Since so many people are complimenting me, apparently I have written a good book.

It is far more important for people to find meaning for their place than for a meaning.

In fact, during that time, I was writing about alienation more often than usual, because of the pressure and anxiety that affected the state of writing the book, and secondly, under the influence of pressure and anxiety, I was more worried that I had unconsciously chosen the path that made me feel relaxed. So in the case of constant judgment, I still preferred to see more clearly.

That was probably not the closest I've ever come to compromise.

From one or three years to now, I have experienced a lot of things in the process of writing, and this is not such a sober and orderly year. Sometimes I even feel like it's been a bit of a mess. Mainly outside of writing, I have seen a lot of people and things—I have begun to see certain worlds that may belong to successful people, I have seen certain ways to "success", and I have seen the ladder that I may climb - maybe I have accumulated a little bit of something in so many years of trembling writing......

I was affected by this.

I'm not a tough person, or I was born pampered and didn't know what was going on in the people. Every moment I wonder if some of my insistences are wrong, every moment I wonder if I can still persevere, I wonder if I have lost a lot of my original beliefs, and I don't know that writing a book is such a trembling and questioning thing for me.

I often talk to people about the idea of writing a book – whenever someone asks. I'll get to that. I want to write the best stuff possible, so I want it to be better and more perfect, and I want my book to be read more after it's written than when it's serialized. Because it's a complete work when it's written. I love to write books. I get satisfaction from it, so I'm willing to pay a portion of it.

If you are an author, there are usually several types of responses. Some will move to say that readers just want to be fast, and writing must have professional ethics, when I write XX, three changes a day, they can't keep up at all...... That's how to write a book, some know what to profit, we just make money, how to change quickly, how to pull a monthly ticket, how to earn more, I now have a family and a room, and the expenses are very large. There are also those who say, we are just writing online articles, and you find so much meaning to do.

I usually just nod my head.

In fact, some people may think that I am so high that I look down on others, but I am actually very much in favor of the first two. No matter what the industry, I think, to do well, you have to have your own characteristics, I update the fastest! Readers are satisfied, this is the skill. My updates are the most stable and my readers are satisfied, which is also outstanding. I make the best sense of being valued by the reader, and it is naturally a highly desirable direction. I think that each of us has to choose a direction when doing things, no matter what, and if we do it well, we are worthy of admiration, even if I don't choose the same direction with them, I also admire them. Only for "we just write online articles", I will have some slander, but it is not easy to say much about other people's affairs.

In the past, when others talked about this, no matter how reasonable they thought it was, I was unmoved. However, in the past two years, due to the gradual expansion of the social scope of contact, I sometimes get discouraged, some things like a soft knife to cut meat, the power of money, a better life, these days, I can see more. And I'm nearly 30, it's time to find a girlfriend, get married, buy a house, grandma is 80, I don't know when I will get sick, I have to save a sum of money, I have to buy an endowment insurance for my parents, and so on. I didn't buy the car because I basically only knew QQ......

Look, that's a lot going on.

Maybe I'll have an easier time.

I think this occasionally.

Sometimes some people say that bananas can only write this kind of hypocritical text, if he is updated like others, will he still have the current results? In fact, I sometimes YY, the quality may not be as good, and the results are afraid that they will only be better, and what I have seen in writing books over the years, the requirements of readers are really not high.

What I usually do, to say tangled, in fact, is just to put the standard to eleven points when I have ten abilities, and I want to surpass myself a little at any time, strangle a little, so that I can slowly improve.

When I was fifty years old, I wanted to write a book that satisfied me, so in the past few decades, I have been practicing my pen, if I can make progress, I will be fruitful after half a year of struggle, and if I am mediocre and complacent, it is a waste to write a million words.

These are all clichés, but in this year, I have felt the most confused in my heart, I wonder if what I am doing now can be fruitful in the future, and what if I give up so many things that are at my fingertips now, and I will not achieve anything in the future?

Well, that's the end of these whinings.

In the second half of last year, I completed the Liangshan section of the Water Margin with a rapid update - it was not the result of compromise, but because it had been brewing for a long time, and finding a balance between update and quality was also something I had been doing since I was hidden - when I finished writing the plot of Liangshan, I was ready to continue writing in one go, but there was a problem at the time, a serious problem: after the protagonist broke Liangshan, the whole episode spanned the plot. I don't have any picture in my head.

When I write a book, the plot is usually made up of images or feelings to be expressed, but in the fifth episode, which is the one I'm going to write now, I don't have anything on my head except for a general concept that I need to express. I know where the plot of Lu Dao will develop - the plot of the son-in-law is huge, the beginning and end are very complicated, and the current outline is quite perfect, but before taking on the next picture, this section is all a window period, and I need one or two sections as big as Hangzhou or Liangshan to fill in. But at the time, I only knew what I needed to say. But there is no elaborate specific plot.

The reason why I swore at that time was because I thought of a way that might work, I read some books of the Song Dynasty and studied some famous people. I think. Creating a protagonist or a main supporting character requires a lot of ingenuity. But Tang Ke, Wu Min, Geng Nanzhong, these secondary supporting roles. They can also have a lot of scenes in the future, and I can use a lot of ordinary clever plot lines instead of such elaborate plots. Let them wrap around the main line to make the main line thicker, and then then make a qualitative change with quantitative change when appropriate, so that I have a lot of plots to write about - they need to be written anyway.

But then it still failed, and when I stared at these various supporting characters that needed to be written looking for "generally ingenious" plots, they didn't appear at all, only really good plots were accumulating, Yue Fei's, Lin Chong's, Zhou Dong's, An Xifu's...... I thought about it with a lot of enthusiasm, but there were still several episodes of these episodes before they were written......

Actually, I originally thought that after solving the update problem, I could also write an argumentative essay on "How does my brother make the plot smooth and thick"......

There's one thing I want to repentance about: I've been lazy lately.

Laziness starts in March. In the past, I would explain the reasons occasionally, and occasionally not explain, and I shamelessly said to people: "The reasons I said are true, because there is no need to lie to people, because instead of deceiving people, I can say nothing." "In the past, I had a clear conscience, no matter how long I broke off, I was indeed entangled in words and plots, and when I couldn't write it, the most painful thing was me, I was upside down day and night and insomnia, and I couldn't eat, but when I could write, everything was normal.

However, my younger brother has already left for work in March.

My brother is nine and a half years younger than me, and when he was a child, he had a bad fate and suffered from nephrotic syndrome, which greatly affected my family. With such a big age apart, we are basically two generations old, so to speak, he was taught by me. Our brothers have very different personalities, he is obedient, but he doesn't like to learn. After he graduated from junior high school, he went to secondary school, and after a while he was going to drop out of school, I told him that I really don't want to go to work, and I will pay you back if I want to go to work within a year, he went out to work for two months, and went back, studied for more than a year, and dropped out again, I told him, this time you think clearly, there is no chance. He still dropped out of school last year.

But I'm not too worried about that. I used to think that I was too introverted, so I subconsciously taught him to make more friends, but now he has friends everywhere, he can get along with anyone, exercise all day long, and is popular with girls, so it must be enough to enter the society. More lessons need to be learned after he goes through more bumps and bumps, but men always have to go through this.

He has been playing at home for a year, and today at the end of March, he went to work as an assembly line in a factory of Changfeng Group. Occasionally, he came back and often showed off to me how good he was, he was the one who started the assembly line, he had a lot of strength, he could do twice the workload by listening to music, and he was so tired that the people below were miserable, and the assembly line stopped repeatedly, and then he came to him and said "We are time-keeping and not piece-counting", and he was compassionate to slow down the clouds.

I hope he can walk out of a life that is different from mine.

When I realized this, I thought, maybe it's a new day. For a long time, our family has not been doing well, since my brother was sick, everything has taken a sharp turn for the worse, my parents are very powerful people, even if they didn't make much money, but they still cured my brother's almost impossible to heal disease, even in the most difficult time, I never gave up, if it was my responsibility after that, I think I also gritted my teeth.

Sometimes, when something is trying to persuade me to compromise, I think of the year when I lost my hair, and I think, the hardest time has come, how hard can this be now?

On the day of March 25, Diablo 3 opened a new expansion, and I was addicted to it for more than half a month.

I haven't been addicted to games in years.

Over the years, even during the time when I liked the World of Warcraft the most, I couldn't play for two hours at a time, and there would always be a voice in my heart saying: I haven't coded words yet.

I'm sorry, but I've been lazy lately.

On April 12th, I was invited by a friend to participate in an activity called Baili Trailwalk, and walked from Changsha to Xiangtan on the first day, and then walked from Xiangtan to Zhuzhou on the second day. It's a total of more than 100 kilometers.

Of course I didn't finish it, most of the participants in this kind of activity are college students, the first day of more than 60 kilometers, I walked more than 50 kilometers, although I didn't finish, I was still very happy, wow, I haven't exercised for so many years, I can still walk so far......

The next day, the two legs below the waist were painful to death, in this process, I listened to the song, and probably determined the plot of the entire fifth episode, which felt that it should be taken from Wang Zhengliang's "Where Has Time Gone", of course, it is not exactly the feeling of the song, only a part of it is taken.

To this day, the plot has not been completely sorted out, mainly because I am still outside. I'm in Guangzhou, I'm going to listen to Stefanie Sun's concert tomorrow, and I'll go home the day after tomorrow. The concert was invited by a classmate, as a post-80s generation, we have a special affection for Stefanie Sun, my classmate said, "The first time I listen to the concert, I want to dedicate it to Stefanie Sun." "I also like Stefanie Sun, and my favorite is "Escape":

"Only you can, let yourself shine."

I really don't want to write so slowly.

I am twenty-nine years old, and I am already in the thirtieth year of my life. Standing at thirty, at this age, there is no position to say that you are young, but what you have to do in your life may have just begun. I'll try to write as fast as I can, but that's okay, we may have a few more decades left to get along.

Ah, my weird temper, let's not change.

Sincerely, respects.

Angry bananas, in the early hours of April 26, 2014. (To be continued......) (To be continued......)