"At least you can win a few favors from him, and with these favors, it will be enough for you to live a safe life." I looked at her with contempt, "But you have to cause trouble, do your own evil, and you can't live." In order to compete for favor, for the sake of a man, put his life into it, and he is really ignorant. ”

Seeing my contemptuous eyes, Liu Zhaohua's face turned pale, and his eyes fell on a certain place sloppily, as if he was recalling something, and said leisurely: "Although I am not the daughter of a famous nobleman, I am also from a family of poetry, books and etiquette." Since I was a child, I have been very fond of Zhuo Wenjun's poem 'I wish to win the heart of one person, and the white head will not be separated (2)', and I have also naively dreamed that my husband, my beloved, can treat me wholeheartedly and single-mindedly in the future, so as not to be in vain in this life. However, my father contracted tuberculosis and died, and his family was in a state of decline, becoming increasingly poor, and even suffering from lack of food and clothing, making it difficult to survive. In order to help the day, my uncles gave me to His Majesty as a concubine when he was still Wu Xing Taishou at that time, he had a wife and a concubine, not the lover I expected, and my illusion of mutual affection between men and women was completely shattered. In order to live a better life, I can only try my best to please him, train my singing voice day and night, and practice a soft voice to please him. In order to survive better in Fuzhong, I can only compete for favor. ”

Liu Zhaohua sighed cautiously, "After many years, I finally got to my current position, and I have a son by my side, so I don't think there is anything to worry about." As he grew older, his favor gradually lost, and there were more young and beautiful women around him. I told myself that I didn't love this man, that he liked my beauty, that I needed the power he gave me, that I would take what I needed, and that was it. ”

"But-" Liu Zhaohua laughed bitterly at self-deprecation, "Looking at those favored concubines, watching my man flirting with other women, I was also jealous, and my heart felt like something had been poked open, it hurt." Since when did I actually care about this man, and really regard him as my husband, my husband? For so many years, I've been deluding myself. ”

"So, you're going to kill me, and even ruin Wan Zhaoyi's face." I looked at this woman with sadness and joy, and I couldn't tell whether it was disgust or pity, "You used to be a very smart and sober woman, but you have become so confused? ”

"I've never seen him pamper a woman like this." Liu Zhaohua's tone was dry, and a trace of loneliness and sadness crept up on her face, "I'm so scared, with you, he won't remember me anymore, how can I survive the long night alone?" ”

"So you have murderous intentions against me, what about Wan Zhaoyi, she has fallen out of favor, why do you still want to hurt her?"

"Although Your Majesty has you, you still think about her in your heart, otherwise how could you secretly ask the palace people to take care of her? As long as her envious and crazy face is gone, Your Majesty will no longer remember her, and will think of me, and of the fact that there is still someone waiting for him in the Whelan Palace. The corners of Liu Zhaohua's eyes were wet, and his face was slightly distorted.

I looked at her coldly with both hatred and pity, as cold as the frost in the middle of the night, and said: "You are crazy, the emperor's woman cannot be killed, it cannot be destroyed, you kill this and that, destroy one and another, can you kill all the people?" The emperor is amorous, the dynasty is twilight, love this today and love that tomorrow, how can you really love a woman, what's the use of you killing these women! ”

"How did I not know?" Liu Zhaohua pressed his chest stiffly, as if he wanted to stop the surging pain in his chest, and there was endless sadness between his meticulous eyebrows, "It's just a love thing, which can deceive people's hearts the most, and I am already deeply trapped in it and can't extricate myself." One day, when you fall in love with someone, you will be like me. ”

I bent my lips and smiled skillfully, aiming at her face, and the smile was put away as quickly as possible, and in the blink of an eye, I was as solid as a wall and said, "I will never allow myself to fall into such a pitiful and hateful state as you." I'm ashamed to go to great lengths to deal with other women for the sake of a man. ”

"When I was three years old, my father left home with my mother and me and never came back. When I was 10 years old, my abandoned mother still couldn't let go, and after hearing that my father had children with another woman, she killed herself by slitting her wrists. Like my father, she left me. ”

Liu Zhaohua's eyes widened unexpectedly, looking at me with some emotion, I closed my eyes vigorously, and said calmly: "My mother was also the daughter of an official family, and she was the pearl of my grandfather's palm, and she was pampered. My father is a capable man under my grandfather, young and promising, and his promotion to a high position is just around the corner. They fell in love, but they were strongly opposed by their grandfather, who wanted to marry his mother to the children of high-ranking officials and resolutely opposed their relationship. In desperation, my father had to elope with my mother, and they had sweet and happy days. But soon, their money was spent, and the poor couple mourned, and after that, the father never found a decent job, and the salary was pitiful. Mother is a delicate lady, she doesn't know anything, in order to live, she can only throw away the pride of the eldest lady and become an ordinary woman, doing laundry. As the days went by, the days became more and more impoverished, and the embarrassing life made the father and mother often complain and quarrel with each other over some trivial things, and the father began to regret that he had given up the original good future, and lived a poor life without food and clothing, and even resented his mother, and blamed everything on her fault, and his heart gradually drifted away, until finally he abandoned his wife and children, and took other women away and flew away. ”

Liu Zhaohua sighed sadly for the story I told, but I was as calm as the clear blue sky, without a trace of ripples, and even smiled at her, "Look, don't they love each other?" My father gave up a good future for my mother, and my mother left behind the identity of a daughter for my father, which can be said to be deeply affectionate. But in the end, they still flew apart, and the love between them had long been consumed in the firewood, rice, oil and salt. What two hearts are happy, the white head swears, is not the enemy but the heart is changeable? ”

"When my mother left, she shed a lot of blood and stained the whole house red, which was very scary. She told me—" I bowed slightly, close to Liu Zhaohua's face, and smiled like a cold June rose, "Never be emotional to any man, even if you lose your body, you must guard your heart." ”

"You say, with my mother as an example, how can I repeat her mistakes?"

I sneered, turned around, Qingluo's long skirt quietly brushed the bluestone floor tiles, as if the ripples of clear water moved slightly, and slowly walked away, heading towards the gate of Huilan Palace.

With a long sound of "squeak", the closed door of the main hall was opened, and the sunlight poured in, and in the clear light, a statue-like figure stood still, independent of a lonely bamboo, handsome and elegant.

It turned out to be Chen Qian, how long has he been standing here, and how much has he listened to? Eyes turned to me, Chen Qian's body moved slightly, and he actually smiled at me, his eyes were as light as moonlight, inexplicable tenderness and pity.

"Qing'er." Chen Qian stretched out his hand and was about to come over to pull me, but I was shocked by his sudden warmth, and immediately shrank back like an electric shock.

"Your Majesty—" Liu Zhaohua's suppressed and sour voice came slowly, "After many years together, have you ever really loved me?" ”

What a stupid woman, to ask this kind of question at this time.

Chen Qian stared at the people in the hall and said coldly: "I have never treated you badly, you want too much, and your mind is too narrow-minded to tolerate people, so that it has become such a big mistake." ”

"It's the concubine's fault!" Liu Zhaohua laughed sadly, laughing desolate and hopelessly, "The concubine wants too much, the concubine should not ask for it in vain, and ask for the sincerity of the heavenly family!" ”

Chen Qian had no waves on his face, grabbed my hand and turned to leave, and the moment he turned sideways, there was a tragic and decisive cry from the inner hall, "From now on, don't be lovesick, lovesick and absolute (3)!" ”

I couldn't help but turn my head to look back, but I saw Liu Zhaohua pick up the wine on the tray, and drank it with tears and a smile, she looked sideways out of the hall, her smile was like a scorching fire, she opened her lips slightly, and sang tactfully, "Chunhua Jingfang, five-color Lingsu, the piano is still in the palace, and the new voice is the same!" There are mandarin ducks in Jinshui, there is water in the Han Palace, the other things are new, and the people of the world are embarrassed, and they are obsessed with lewdness and do not understand! . ”

It's Zhuo Wenjun's "Farewell Book"! This woman who is infatuated with the emperor, at the last moment of her life, finally made up her mind to swing a knife to break her love, and her heart turned to ashes, and she has been in love with Jun En ever since.

The singing gradually intensified, the sound of blood and tears, containing grief and determination, like a raging wave, endless as if to swallow everything and bury it, "Zhu string broken, mirror missing, morning dew, Fang Shi rest, white head groaning, sad parting, work hard to add food and don't miss the concubine, Jinshui soup soup, and Jun Changjue (4)!" ”

Liu Zhaohua ended her life in this fierce singing, and this is really the end of it.

On the way back, Chen Qian held my hand and clasped it tightly, no matter how much I shook it. I glared at him in annoyance, but he asked me with pity on his face, "What happened after your mother left?" ”

I sneered, and said lightly: "Later? Later, I became an orphan girl, begging on the streets, picking up leftovers from other people's houses, and picking up some broken copper and iron to sell to earn money to support myself. Two years later, he was adopted, and then he became an adult. ”

I said it very simply and indifferently, as if I was talking about an ordinary trivial matter, hiding the pain of the past, unbearable, without a trace of emotional fluctuations.

Chen Qian stared at me for a long time, as if he wanted to see me through, his face turned back and forth, inexplicably complicated, and finally turned into a gentle emotion, "You must have suffered a lot." ”

"No matter how hard it was in the past, now I have survived." Taking advantage of his uncertainty, I broke free of his hand and walked away alone.

Those unbearable and painful pasts, the helpless despair, the lonely and cold fear, struggling, simmering, like ants on a frying pan, small and powerless, enduring the burning pain of fire, never going to end in the dark. I don't want to think about the past, how I got to where I was every step of the way.

Exegesis:

(1) The title comes from the Southern Song Dynasty Lewan's "Divination Operator: Answer Shi": "Lovesickness is like the depth of the sea, and old things are like the sky." Thousands of teardrops are even more sad. If you want to see without a cause, it will be difficult to fight in the end. If there is no fate in the previous life, wait to reunite and wish in the next life. ”

(2) From Zhuo Wenjun's "Baitou Yin" in the Han Dynasty "I wish to win the heart of one person, and the white head is not separated"

(3) From "Yuefu Poetry Collection" "Thinking, it is in the south of the sea." What's the use of asking the bereaved king. Double-beaded tortoiseshell hairpin, with jade. Wen Jun has his heart, and he pulls miscellaneous and destroys it. Destroy it, and the wind will blow its ashes. From now on, don't be lovesick. Acacia and Junju. The rooster cries and the dog barks, and the brother and sister-in-law should know it. The autumn breeze is solemn and the morning breeze is blowing, and the east must be knowledgeable. ”

(4) From the Han Dynasty Zhuo Wenjun to Sima Xiangru's "Farewell Book"