The sky was overcast. It rained for three days, but the autumn sky has not cleared up even today, although it has stopped.

Four o'clock in the afternoon.

Fang Wuying looked at his watch, there were still three minutes before the meeting time. He took a breath and walked towards the east building of the institute.

Before the liberation of the institute, it was a German consulate in the concession, but it was restored to its original appearance after the renovation of the heritage building in the previous two years. The exterior and interior of this place are somewhat different from ordinary domestic buildings, and Fang Wuying has been interested in Western architecture for a while, and he has taken countless photographs of this typical German building with small round minarets.

In fact, his special feeling for this place does not stem from its exotic architectural style.

When I entered the building on the east side, I went straight up the stairs, like every office building with few people, the interior of the building was quiet, except for the soft sound of my own leather shoes on the wooden staircase, I should not hear any other sound.

On the second floor, at the door of 203, he raised his hand and knocked lightly.

"Please come in." Gentle female voice.

Fang Wuying paused and stretched out his hand to twist away the golden goal ball.

It was a small room.

Entering the door, there is a brown plain couch against the wall, a small square glass coffee table, and an electric heater. On the plain wall is an oil painting: a quiet birch forest path. On the opposite side of the sofa is a high-backed soft chair covered with a dark green chair cover with a moth-like fine orchid pattern.

Shu Xiang was standing next to the sofa, smiling at him.

"Very punctual."

"I'm always on time."

Before closing the door, Fang Wu should turn the sign on the goalball to "Inside".

"Ah, thank you." Shu Xiang said, turned to the cabinet, and opened the glass door, "What do you drink?" Sorry, I don't have any good tea here. ”

Fang Wuying smiled: "Whatever—don't be a juice cola." ”

"There's honey yuzu tea." Shu Xiang smiled, "Beauty, uh, don't you hate it, right?" ”

Fang Wuying sat down on the soft chair, he touched his face that wasn't too clean, "I won't turn my face when others say this, but if it's you, I'll have to think about it." ”

Shu Xiang smiled.

She walked over to the kettle, poured most of the cup of hot water, and then turned around and handed it to Fang Wuying.

"I haven't seen you in five years, and you're still the same." She looked at Fang Wuying carefully, "It's not old at all, it's really a monster." ”

"Okay, I've got a knack for it."

Shu Xiang laughed again.

She was in her forties, fair-skinned, slightly fat, but not outrageous. The facial features are plain, and the dress is not gorgeous, but it has a charm of its own, which makes people willing to let go of their defenses and be willing to be close to them. Shu Xiang belongs to such a kind of woman: every line on their faces shows a unique charm and contains deep meaning, and a smile is not to explain anything, but to hide something.

"Looks like it's going well." Shu Xiang returned to the sofa and sat down, "It's much better than I imagined." ”

Fang Wuying held the cup and looked at her, he blinked: "What do you mean?" ”

"Whole, from start to finish." She gestured, "Actually, I'm a little worried, I'm afraid that as soon as I open the door, I will see a typical anxiety disorder standing in front of me......"

Fang Wuying said, "You don't have confidence in yourself, Shu Xiang." ”

"A little." Shu Xiang smiled and nodded, "Fortunately, all the consulting subjects are more confident and stronger than me. I've always been proud of it. ”

Fang Wuying put down the cup, he squinted his eyes and looked at Shu Xiang: "Are you reminding me that it is no longer what it used to be?" I'm no longer eligible to crash? ”

"Really? What do you think? Shu Xiang was still smiling.

"Or, do you want to see a broken me again, and then you can 'show your skills' again?"

Shu Xiang smiled even more happily: "Do you think I long for this kind of opportunity to show my skills?" ”

Fang Wuying shook his head indifferently: "I don't know. And in fact, I don't want to contact you again unless it's a last resort. ”

"Why?" Shu Xiang put away his smile and looked at him gently, "Why don't you contact me?" ”

"That makes me feel bad." He grinned slightly, "Make me feel like I'm ...... Well, I feel that I can't do it again, I need to rely on others again, and I have become some kind of ...... Some kind of hostage. ”

"In other words, it's not that something is wrong with the thing, but that this panic makes you uncomfortable?"

Fang Wuying looked up at the ceiling, he thought for a moment and nodded: "It's likely to be so." But when you made an appointment, I still felt relieved...... Well, I'll admit that I blamed myself again for this relief. ”

"I'm on the verge of being dizzy, Paul." Shu Xiang smiled again, "You count, how much of it is a denial of yourself?" ”

"You can't get dizzy." Fang Wuying shrugged, "Among the people I know, you are the least likely to be stunned, and the one who is least likely to be frightened in case of trouble is you." ”

"You called me a god." Shu Xiang said calmly, "I am also an ordinary person, and I am afraid even if my son has a fever." ”

Fang Wuying smiled: "Oh, that's indeed my hallucination, maybe the information you provided me is like that." ”

"Doesn't it really give me the impression of weakness?"

“…… It seems that it was only me who committed suicide, and your reaction was not calm enough. Fang Wuying smiled, "Recently, I've often wondered if you can't save me." ”

Shu Xiang was stunned: "Oh, that was more than ten years ago, Director Liang just asked me to be in charge of you, and I was really stressed during that time." ”

"It doesn't seem like you're impressed, but your mood swings were big at the time—bigger than mine."

Shu Xiang smiled slightly, and she put on a very comfortable sitting position: "I still can't guarantee that the mood will not change with the change of the condition of the consulting object, but it is true that it is much better than more than ten years ago." ”

"That is, if I kill myself again, you will still sleep well?"

"No, I'll rationally lay out various ways to deal with it, instead of blindly blaming myself and confronting myself and consuming my time and energy, which will not help solve the problem."

Fang Wuying nodded silently.

"You've been thinking about suicide lately?" Shu Xiang asked, "No, I'm not talking about the specific implementation plan, but I mean, have you often thought of this abstract topic?" ”

Fang Wuying shook his head: "It's because this matter is only related to you - I wanted to contact you recently, so that past came to mind again." ”

Shu Xiang nodded.

"In fact, I had already thought about the suicide plan more than ten years ago." He smiled, "Even studied how the Nazis killed Jews." If I could get a small piece of ****** and press it under my tongue, it would be as easy as they were killing a stray cat. Or inject it with a needle, just inject some air into the bloodstream and in a few seconds it's over. ”

"Why did you think about it at the time?"

"Because it's tiring, you know, I was ...... at that time I tried very hard, but in this world, I still couldn't find my goal, and I was as tired as I kept lifting my face to the surface of the water to breathe, and I didn't know what the end was. Fang Wuying paused for a moment and added, "It's like a child who is abandoned in supermarkets and playgrounds, because parents don't know what to do anymore, either abandon them or end up with them." ”

"Is there really no other way?"

Fang Wuying was silent for a while: "Maybe there should be." ”

Shu Xiang thought for a while: "I'm very interested in the metaphor you just mentioned. ”

"Lift your face to the water?"

"No, about the children who were abandoned in the playground." Shu Xiang stared at him, "I'm curious, why would you come up with such a metaphor." ”

Fang Wuying was stunned for a moment, and his body slowly leaned back: "...... You mean, I'm bringing in the ego? Because that's how I was abandoned by my father? ”

"What do you think?"

"I ...... I hate playgrounds. I hate it for no reason. Fang Wuying said slowly, "I went to Hong Kong to travel the year before last. I accompanied Li Jianguo's children to Disney once. That was the only time I went to the playground. ”

"How does it feel?"

"Hate, very disgusted, hateful from the bottom of my heart." Fang Wuying thought for a while, "I don't know how I endured those few hours, and then even Li Jianguo's wife saw that I was unwell, and they thought I was sick, so they asked me to go back to the hotel first." ”

"Why?" Shu Xiang asked, "In Disney, what causes your hatred?" ”

“…… That's great. ”

"Great?"

"Dreamland, Dreamland, it can make any of your dreams come true, whatever you want: toys, delicacies, fantasy stories, princesses, magic castles...... It can be provided to you, no, to the child, and meets all the requirements of the child. ”

"What's wrong with that?"

"I thought you should know why."

“……”

"Forgotten? In the beginning, how did he treat me? ”

At this point, it seems that they have inadvertently touched a critical point, and both of them have stopped.

That's a bit like the first domino that will fall. The previous wandering in the outer circle suddenly seemed redundant.

Shu Xiang looked at him silently.

“…… Whatever I want, I can get it, and one of the most common things that guy asks is: What more do you want? I can get anything I want, precious weapons, brilliant jewels, beautiful clothes, all kinds of delicacies...... The whole palace was covered with piles of things for me alone. dreamland。 Fang Wuying smiled sarcastically, "But for this, I also paid a high 'ticket'. ”

In the silent air, only the humming of the dehumidifier could be heard. The black clouds came up again, the light in the room dimmed, Shu Xiang quietly got up and turned on an orange lamp.

Fang Wuying exhaled softly, he picked up the cup and swallowed the warm grapefruit tea.

Shu Xiang returned to her seat, and she thought for a while: "What other impressions do you have of Disney?" ”

He raised his face and thought again: "...... Dangerous. ”

"Dangerous?"

"For some reason, I'm always suspicious that behind every ride, there is an inexplicable danger hidden - have you heard of it? Tourists fall off roller coasters. ”

"Paul, it was an accident, it doesn't happen in every playground."

"It doesn't convince me." He shook his head, "There are many dangers, and behind every show that makes you happy, there may be a fatal crisis." ”

"That is to say, there must be harm behind the pleasing?"

“…… Maybe. ”

Shu Xiang thought for a while: "By the way, you just mentioned the parents who abandoned their children......

"During my hours at Hong Kong Disneyland, I often heard the radio looking for children: so-and-so kid, your parents are waiting for you somewhere, or Mr. so-and-so, your kid is looking for you. Cantonese, English, Mandarin, all have broadcasts. ”

"So what?"

"I thought, can these children really be recovered? And why are so many children lost? ”

"What time was that day?"

"It's Children's Day."

"Do you think it's wrong to lose a child at a playground on Children's Day?"

Fang Wuying thought for a moment: "I just don't think those children can be found in the end. ”

"Why?"

"The environment in the park is very complicated, there are a lot of people, and there are people from Hong Kong, Taiwan and the mainland, and they don't understand the language......

"You've made it difficult for your children to reunite with their parents."

Silent.

"Maybe it's because I haven't reunited with my father, and I even suspect that he doesn't even bother to broadcast to find someone." Fang Wuying's face showed that sarcastic smile again, "Maybe those parents are the same, in fact, they subconsciously want to discard these children......"

Shu Xiang rubbed his forehead with his hand: "Paul, you laid out a lot of things, and their connection is very subtle and complicated. ”

"Maybe it's so complicated that I can't even figure it out myself."

"So let's go back to the beginning: you mentioned that suicide is like parents abandoning their children in a playground, and the playground reminds you of how your father treated you." Shu Xiang said this, thinking for a while, "Does this mean that you give up on yourself and your father gives up ......on you?"

"These are two different things!" Fang Wuying suddenly interrupted her excitedly, "Don't compare me to him!" ”

Shu Xiang looked at him silently.

The momentary excitement made Fang Wuying's gasp a little uneven, and he turned his face away, trying to calm himself down.

Shu Xiang got up, picked up his cup, and walked to the hot water bottle.

When she placed the cup filled with water in front of Fang Wuying, Fang Wuying said softly: "...... Thank you. ”

"He shifted the responsibility that he should have taken on you, and asked you to bear the peril of your family and country—you were only twelve years old at the time, and there was nothing more terrible than passing on the responsibility of parenthood to a child, which for a child is tantamount to spiritual death."

Fang Wuying closed his eyes and was silent for a while, then he opened them again: "I was already dead when I was twelve years old, right?" ”

His expression was calm and peaceful.

Shu Xiang looked at him, his expression did not approve or deny: "You underestimate the resilience of humans, Paul. People are obsessed with survival. ”

Fang Wuying lazily spread out his hands and pillowed them behind his head: "So I was depressed, and I was psychologically distorted to take pleasure in killing, a depressed and perverted murderer - don't you think my solution is excellent?" ”

Shu Xiang laughed: "How many completely normal people are there in the world? Come, pull it out and I'll see. ”

Fang Wuying snorted.

Shu Xiang put away her smile, she crossed her hands on her lap: "So, have you found the root cause of your depression recently?" ”

Fang Wuying was silent for a while, put down his arm, and said in a low voice: "Recently, I often dream of my sister. ”

Shu Xiang stared at him: "Yes." ”

"During the Mid-Autumn Festival, I went to her grave."

“…… Know where she is buried? ”

"How is that possible?" Fang Wuying shook his head, "Symbolically went to the public cemetery." I've recently ...... Very uneasy. ”

"What do you think is the reason for her?"

“…… Since last month, the bureau has been working on the repair of shields. ”

"Oh, yes. The old shield was set up when Director Liang was there, and it has been for many years. It's time to fix it. ”

Fang Wuying nodded: "This maintenance project is an overall plan, and it is an immediate survey. ”

Shu Xiang's eyes showed a slight surprise: "Yes, it makes sense?" ”

“…… Next month, it will be the turn of the two Jin and Northern Dynasties. ”

The room fell into some kind of unspeakable silence again.

"What are you afraid of? Paul？ What are you worried about? Shu Xiang tilted his head slightly and looked at Fang Wuying, "Afraid of going back?" Afraid to see it all again? ”

"No, it's not that I'm afraid of that."

“…… What is your Majesty's suffering? ”

As soon as that title came out, Shu Xiang saw a vicious light flash in Fang Wuying's eyes, he quietly sat up straight and held the teacup!

“…… Uh, handle with care. Shu Xiang smiled, "I don't have many cups here." ”

“…… Believe it or not, I can really smash it out? ”

"Okay, the Holy One forgives the sins, the people's daughter made a mistake in her speech for a while." Shu Xiang still smiled.

"The lonely family has always killed people without blinking, don't you know?" Fang Wuying snorted and returned the cup to its place.

"Well, since you are a psychiatrist, it seems that you are quite in line with your professional identity if you are finished in the clinic." Shu Xiang said, waving his hand, "That's it, no kidding." See what you're worried about. ”

Fang Wuying didn't make a sound, only took a heavy breath.

"What would you do if that really happened?" Shu Xiang stared at him and said gently, "If Li Jianguo, Yu Kai, Xiao Yang, and Lei Jun really call you 'Your Majesty' like I did just now...... Paul, are you going to break down? ”

"So, either I'm crazy or they're crazy." Fang Wuying said coldly, "But I'm not joking with you, Shu Xiang." ”

"Aren't you worried that they've discovered your past?" Shu Xiang said lightly, "It's terrifying, although I can't understand it, but by analogy, it's probably like facing death." Because I don't know what death is. ”

It wasn't until she said this that Fang Wuying's expression changed slightly.

“…… I even started thinking about quitting. He whispered.

Shu Xiang looked at him gently.

"No, it's not a resignation, I'm a soldier, I should say it's a job change. Give up on them, choose another place to survive, go to a place where you don't know who I am and start over, anyway, I can choose the public security department, the government agency can also be, if you can't do it, you can also go abroad to be a military attaché, there was such an opportunity before. I even began to blame myself for why I wanted to come back? Why come full circle and come back to this related place to take office? ”

"Think you can avoid everything by escaping?"

"Well, it's boring, but that's what I thought. Despise me. ”

"No one will despise you, Paul, and you've done a fantastic job." Shu Xiang said gently, "I often feel that you are a miracle in yourself. ”

"Isn't it too late to praise me now?"

"I'm not complimenting you." Shu Xiang shook his head, "Have you ever seen the most serious depression patient?" The kind of deep depression. They can't do anything but lie in bed, they can't turn their eyes, and if they don't care, they'll end up rotting somewhere. ”

“……”

“…… And those who committed suicide, I won't talk about this, you have had this experience. It's been more than a decade, but I'm glad you made it. She smiled, "Look at how good you are now, are you really the dying emperor back then?" ”

"But what I'm most worried about now is losing all of this." Fang Wuying suddenly said in a dumb voice, "This is something I've spent ten years working on, accumulating bit by bit, I can't watch it happen overnight...... Go up in smoke. ”

"Who said that? Who's to say it's going to come to naught? Shu Xiang stared at him.

“…… When they know who I am, will they see me the way they see me the way they do? Will they still treat me, the 'captain', as their own? They...... Wouldn't you snicker in your heart? Or ......"

"Why do they laugh at you? Who gave you this kind of evidence? ”

“…… But I can hear it. Fang Wuying stared at the wall and said word by word, "I think it's about to ring." ”

“Paul。 Are you moving the ridicule of the time to your ears now? Shu Xiang continued to ask gently, "At this moment, just at this moment, what time are you living?" ”

Again, deep silence.

The clock on the wall moved forward bit by bit, and the long hand was still a block away from pointing to twelve.

"It's been an hour."

Shu Xiang looked at the clock and nodded: "Well, it's really fast." ”

She got up and went to the bookcase and pulled out a book from it: "For you." "Wuthering Heights", a hardcover set published by Penguin in the 70s, was printed much better than it is today. ”

"Thank you."

"Like Heathcliff?" She smiled.

Fang Wuying didn't answer, he picked up the cup, drank all the water inside, then put down the cup and stood up: "I turned the old thing out again." I really don't know if it's good or bad. ”

Shu Xiang also got up: "If it's not good, it's right to turn it out, otherwise it will festering inside, and it will be even more terrifying." ”

"Maybe...... Let's go. ”

"It's raining outside, be careful when driving."

Walking to the door, Fang Wuying stopped and turned to look at Shu Xiang: "...... I have to admit that you still played a role. ”

"What does it do?" Shu Xiang's face showed a naughty expression, "Stopped His Majesty from going on a killing spree?" The small people have a lot of credit. ”

Fang Wuying smiled bitterly: "I mean, you played the role of a. ”

"Oh......"

"If it weren't for this dam, I might have washed everything away."

"Then the goal for the future is that without the dike, you won't wash everything away." Shu Xiang said, "Paul, this is also my ultimate wish. ”

Fang Wuying looked at her quietly, and he said softly, "Goodbye." ”

"See you next week, Paul."

With the car key, he walked down the stairs until he came outside the building, Fang Wuying turned back and looked at the glass on the second floor.

The goose-yellow curtains are still drawn, and under the shadow of the lamp, there is a figure of a woman sitting at the desk.

"It's Freud's fault, isn't it?" The corners of his mouth showed a self-deprecating smile.

The drizzle hit the man's face, cold and gentle.