(a)

Because of my heavy body and limited mobility, I met my uncle in the wing of my palace.

Since I followed you out of Yantang Pass and participated in the Jinfeng Village Alliance, I haven't seen my uncle Ding Youren for several years. Reunited after a long absence, during the vicissitudes of life, each other's hearts are mixed, indescribable.

Greeting each other, the hustle and bustle was over, and after retiring from the palace, the uncle's tears flowed down the ground.

He said, "O child, Jean! You can't do that! How can you not cry for such a long time, not a single tear is shed? You've got to cry, Jean. ”

"You can't keep it in your heart for so long," he said. You've got to cry. You're still pregnant with a baby, and you're going to give birth in a few months. You have two lives on you now. If you keep stuffing like this, you and your children will be in danger. ”

He said, "Isn't there anyone in the whole court who thinks that you shouldn't cry in this situation?" Isn't there anyone in this place who cares about you? ”

I said blankly, "I want to cry too." Uncle. But I couldn't cry. I seemed to dry up all at once. There was not a single tear in my heart. It's like a tree that has been dead for years. ”

I said, "I feel like I'm getting very old all of a sudden." Too old to speak, too old to walk, too old to hear the voices in my ears, too old to see what is in front of me. Every day I just want to sit here by myself, just sit down like this. ”

I said, "Uncle, this life is really not interesting at all. I wish I had never been born now. ”

When my uncle heard my words, he once again couldn't hold back his tears.

He left his seat, weeping and prostrate on the ground, unable to look up.

He said, "You two." Why did God do this to you two! ”

So, my uncle told me that I followed Liu Shen to leave the Jinfeng Village Palace and return to Yunzhou after the wedding. He rushed from Yantang Pass to Jinfeng Village to see you, told me about the emptiness and sadness in your heart at that time, and told me what you said to your uncle at that time.

My uncle told me what the two of us said when we were facing goodbye. It turned out to be exactly the same! What you said to your uncle then is exactly the same as what I say to him today!

In the midst of my uncle's painful old tears, I felt my cheeks become moist.

I reached out and touched my cheek and felt my tears welling up. However, my heart has not recovered from that state of numbness and stiffness. It was still cold, like a thousand dead snakes.

I muttered, "Uncle, it's too late." ”

I said, "But." Too late. ”

I said, "I always know everything about him, it's too late." ”

I said, "Now, I can't do anything." ”

In the face of the death of our loved ones, even as emperors and queens, we can't help it, we are helpless, and we are so small and pitiful. Just like ordinary people, just like the little ants on the ground. Nothing can be done.

Neither can relieve the pain of loved ones, nor can they eliminate their own grief.

(b)

What is the use of tears? What's the use of crying?

I will never see you again, and I will never hear from you again. You're gone forever. Even if I drain all the tears of my life, there is no way for you to appear again.

All the real suffering, when it happens, we have only one way. You can go.

That is: to bear, to bear, to bear, to bear with all your strength.

Let it cut me like a body. Let it dismember me like a limb, let it dismember me like flesh and bone.

Let it pass me like this. Let it flow through me like words flowing through this screen.

Just with such silence, watching it, flowing through me.

Without experiencing such suffering, one will never understand that we still have power when we have no power.

We still have the strength to endure and experience the "nothingness."

The pain of life, it's such a thing: when you walk through it, you can't learn nothing.

You're bound to learn something. You can't go through it and not reap it. That's how it will reward you.

It's a gift.

A gift for the brave.

(c)

The difficult days that gave birth to the current emperor were passed by little by little in the company and comfort of my uncle's family and your relatives and old subordinates.

When the pregnancy reaction finally subsided, my body was almost completely broken. The whole person was emaciated and emaciated, and his spirit was sluggish, and he spent most of his time in bed recuperation. I spent a lot of time in bed chanting Buddha sutras in order to surpass you and all those who died in the war.

Every day, I recite the Heart Sutra 100 times, the Jizo Honvo Sutra several times, the Lotus Sutra once, and then I have to do Buddhist things such as making offerings of incense and lanterns, and giving alms.

I tried my best to concentrate my mind on the scriptures and the Buddhist things, and not to think about anything in this world.

During that time, on the surface, I was living in Zhaoyang Palace, but in fact, I did not live in this world.

Continuous and focused chanting offerings allow time to pass unconsciously.

Sometimes, in the middle of reciting, I suddenly smell a very good smell, I don't know where it came from, this fragrance surrounds me, and the maids around me can't smell it, only I can clearly perceive it.

Sometimes, during the recitation, I suddenly feel that my whole body is transparent and glowing, and there is a small golden Buddha statue in every pore.

Sometimes, when I go to bed at night, I dream of a cute little white elephant, I pet it, play with it, and then all of a sudden, it turns into a golden light and enters my belly.

I told the doctors of the Tai Hospital about this dream, and they all said hello to me, saying that this is a sign of good luck, the fetus of this pregnancy must be a male fetus, and after birth, it must be another generation of Ming Jun, and it is the co-master of the four seas bound by the mandate of heaven.

Liu Shen was also very happy with the auspicious omen of this white elephant's golden light, and after discussing with the ministers, he decided to change the name of the year to the first year of Qingxiang.

It was during this time that I heard a lot of stories from the people around you from your short life. So, after you have passed away, my love and understanding of you is still deepening.

The longer I live on earth, the more I miss you.

I deeply feel that in the midst of the surging crowds, you are as pure and unblemished as a lotus flower out of the water, as white and fragrant as a Yotana flower, and the brilliance is shining.

You are definitely not an evil man in the mortal world, you are the incarnation of the great Bodhisattva, driving the merciful voyage upside down, entering the mundane world, to educate and lead, and to lead me back to my original self.

When I was in a little better spirit, I would also copy the scriptures.

I have copied the Heart Sutra stroke by stroke in the light of many lamps.

During that time, I copied many, many volumes, I don't remember the exact number.

I remember the way the special golden ink soaked and dyed on the offering silk silk as thin as the wings of a cicada, and I often copied it so much that I forgot the time and myself.

As I copied, I felt that I was one with all human beings, and that the boundaries between myself and others suddenly dissolved. Their pain poured into my body and mind. (To be continued.) )