(a)

In extreme loneliness, I ended this nostalgic journey that had been hard won in my life. Pen, fun, and www.biquge.info

Luan drove quietly back to Yunjing in silence.

When the carriage passed through the huge city gate of Yunjing, everything in my life was displayed in my mind in a panoramic way. I felt like I was walking through the door of life and death. I have traveled between the constant death of countless pianos and the continuous birth of countless new ones. The one who didn't know anything about the world in her infancy, the one who was full of longing for love when she was a girl, the one who was full of sadness about the misfortune of fate when she was young, and the one who is now gray-haired, close to her peers and even younger generations, who are constantly leaving the world every day, which one is the real Qin'er? If all of them were me, wouldn't there be an infinite number of me? Doesn't having an infinite number of mes mean that there has never been a fixed me? Doesn't that mean that there is no fixed self at all? - Doesn't that mean that there is no "me" at all! Could it be that there is no "I"? What you think you have when you don't?

Could it be that under the name of Qin'er, there is actually no stable Qin'er?

I was blown away by my thoughts.

If "I" never existed, wouldn't everything attached to the self fall apart?

I don't exist, what else is my husband, my hometown, my friends, my son, my land, my love?

I was stunned by my own thoughts, and I forced myself to stop and not think about it further.

Cui Chengzhi, the king of Lingnan, after all, is a mother and son, he walked in front, perceiving the change in my mood in the car, he rode over and whispered in front of my car window: "Is the Queen Mother tired?" ”

I said, "yes, I'm really a little tired after walking this far." ”

My son comforted, "We are about to arrive, and the Queen Mother will be able to rest well." ”

yes, it's 60 years old. My end is coming soon. I'm going to go where you've already been. Everything in this world, whether or not a "Qin'er" really exists, has nothing to do with me.

I sighed deeply in my heart, lowered the curtains, and closed my eyes.

I just like that, with my eyes closed, again, I returned to Yunjing, to Miyagi, to Shangyang Palace, and to the life I had as the Queen Mother.

Looking at everything familiar in Shangyang Palace, I had this thought for the first time: Could these things that really exist around me never exist, just like that stable "Qin'er"? Could all this be just a dream, and although everything in the dream is realistic, when you wake up, everything has never happened at all?

I shuddered at the thought of myself.

But I'm also thrilled by it.

This is the second time my worldview has changed.

(b)

A lot of people especially like to celebrate birthdays. In fact, people only have a few decades to live in this world, and every time they celebrate a birthday, their life span is shortened by one year, and the execution of the death penalty is one step closer, so there is really nothing to celebrate.

Even if our lives do not encounter sudden disasters, they are constantly decaying day and night, between walking, living, sitting and sleeping, just as rivers will eventually return to the sea and the sunset will sink into the western mountains after all, and our lives are also month by month, day by day, moment by moment, close to death.

It is like a pool of water that has been cut off from the source of water, only decreasing, not increasing.

The only thing to be thankful for is how much we have done with this life for the benefit of other lives in the past year.

Many people like to eat and drink on their birthdays and celebrate their lives with the horrific deaths of many other animals. Is this reasonable?

Why not consider another way to celebrate?

It would be great if we could do our best to save sentient beings on this day, so that all sentient beings can enjoy the joy of life with us.

Because my birthday was my mother's death day, I basically didn't have a birthday in that life because of filial piety.

The age of 60 is a very important birthday at that time, symbolizing a certain fulfillment and maturity in life. Therefore, that year, my eldest son, because of filial piety, also persuaded me to celebrate a lively birthday with the old people of the whole country on behalf of all the old people who survived the war and enjoyed a long life in the Taiping era.

Since he has given such a reason, it seems inappropriate to refuse again and again. So I accepted.

Subsequently, there are various preparations.

After Liu Shen died, for a long time, everything was too simple and quiet, and many people up and down were happy to be able to make a scene.

I look at your elation, and I don't want to sweep your excitement away, so that you think that I am too annoying to this old woman. However, I don't feel happy.

I really don't think there's anything to celebrate as the net of death tightens day by day, and the vow I made when I was young to find a way to defeat death is still completely unfounded.

In fact, my heart is actually very heavy. I feel sorry for you, and for all those who have had to be devoured by death, for feeling that I have wasted this life.

I watch you have a lot of fun every day, do you feel like you're wasting your life for a moment? I don't think so.

You think that you are far from death, and you have time to waste and squander, where can you think of this. However, has anyone promised you that when you walk out of the palace gate, you will still be alive? I don't think so.

(c)

One day, when the emperor came to greet him, he brought with him the people who were preparing the birthday feast.

They showed me the long menu. The names of the dishes on the menu are auspicious and festive, and there are as many as 100 varieties. They asked me what I thought. In fact, this is just a formality, and I should respect their arrangement according to the etiquette, nod in approval and reward them.

But I looked at the menu and the ingredient descriptions and didn't think I could do that.

I asked for a pen and crossed out a lot of things on it.

When I did this, the emperor's eyes were always on me. But he forgave the old man for all his strange problems, and he was tolerant and considerate of me, and showed an expression of apology for not making proper arrangements and not conforming to my mother's wishes.

He looked at the new menu after I finished it, was silent for a while, and then said cautiously: "Queen Mother, you have removed so much, will it be a little too economical?" ”

He said: "Now the national strength is not as difficult as it was at the beginning, although the queen mother is accustomed to frugality, but in this way, the son is afraid that the people of the world will misunderstand that we are children, and are too mean to the queen mother, thinking that we are too unable to lead by example and respect filial piety." ”

I said, "Then the emperor will ask someone to draw up a will on my behalf, and explain that it is my own will." ”

The emperor bowed his head and said, "After all, the queen mother has only passed this one birthday in her life. A little richer, I think it is also my father's lifelong wish. ”

I looked at the emperor.

I said, "Son, your father never told me about his birthday on the day he was born. ”

When I said this, I felt a pang of sadness in my heart.

Although my children and grandchildren are very filial, there is really no one like Liu Shen who understands my heart now. (To be continued.) )