(a)

That's how I looked in the mirror when I was in love with you. Pen ~ fun ~ Pavilion www.biquge.info When I look in the mirror, I want to erase and break the boundary between the image in the mirror and the me outside the mirror.

What I want is a state where the inside and outside of the mirror are one. In this empty and dense state, it looks empty on all sides, but it can't be penetrated by a needle, and the water can't be spilled.

I can't tell what's you and what's me. It is not clear what is an observer and what is observed.

Completely one. Sober, but inseparable.

It's not so much like what is depicted in love poems, but much like the situation depicted in the Sikh scriptures: "I am like a focused arrow hitting the bull's-eye and throwing myself into your mind." ”

You make me feel like I'm dissolving, and instead of dying, I feel like I've broken free from some kind of small cage. It's like a mermaid jumping into the sea and no longer finding her body, but it doesn't feel like she's a broken foam.

At that time, you were curious about this habit of mine.

You ask me why I always have an eraser in my hand when I read poetry.

I've never answered you head-on.

My answer is to smash that eraser at you gently.

I said, "In order to hit you back when you are distracted by reading books and disturbing people." ”

You dodge that eraser, you grab it in your hand, and you smile at me.

You say, "Erasers are too lethal." Why don't you look up at me? ”

You say, "If you're going to kill me, just look at me." ”

(b)

For me, you are the stability and balance of the universe.

When you're around me, the framework of the universe is trustworthy and roughly perceivable. From macro to micro.

It is subtle, systematic, orderly, uniform, logical, measurable, elaborative, slow and stretched, open and understandable.

The course of life is like driving on a river with a known course, although you don't know exactly what you will experience in the next second, but you have a rough idea of what will come later.

I would have a rough idea of where there would be turbulence, where I would encounter dangerous shoals, where a huge rock would suddenly appear in the middle of the channel, and we would still have time to get around it.

So, when I'm around you, I'm always very stable. It is still because it is stable.

I often feel very tired and want to sleep in your arms and remain in this immobile posture.

Although I also knew that there would be a lot of unexpected things ahead, I was never afraid of it.

Just like we often don't meet and be there for each other on the way to school, this doesn't cause panic and anxiety in my heart.

I don't have the kind of solitary interstellar life, the loneliness of eternity, the horror of looking around, the silence without echoes pressing down on my ear drums.

At that time, I was just as small in the universe, but I had a place.

I felt like I was right in my place.

So, at that time, one of my favorite passages was what a Zen master said. He watched the goose feathers flying in the sky, and watched the snowflakes lazily fall from the sky one after another, and he exclaimed, the great flakes of snow, each falling where it should have fallen.

That's my state of mind.

I descended from the void, like a weary feather, drifting in the wind for a long time, and now I finally landed in my home in the universe, where I was born and where I died.

I've always been in the right place, so no matter what happens, I'm calm even if there are small accidents.

Because it is calm and gentle, not even my breath causes flow, and my caress does not have a little weight.

It was a strange feeling, something like a religious experience that transcended the usual context.

If I had to describe it in words, I think it would only be "dependent and dependent".

On the one hand, I saw the illusion of my shadow and the smallness of dust, and on the other hand, I also felt that behind my illusion and smallness there was something vast, boundless, continuous, and eternal.

You are like a link that connects what is on the surface to what is behind it.

You make me feel free and at ease both in the world of real life and in the world beyond real life.

When I traveled between two worlds, I didn't have the same sense of guard and fear as I did when I entered a stranger's house.

I feel that the universe is intimate and familiar on all levels, just like a family that grew up in it.

(c)

Once, you said, "Xinxin, why do you always look a little lazy when we're alone?" ”

You say, "It's like being born soft and without bones." ”

I said, "That's because God hasn't started making me yet." ”

I said, "Because I'm still dirt." God has not taken the ribs from you and fused with me. ”

You say, "At the training ground, you're not like that. ”

I said, "Who can see me on the training ground?" ”

I said, "All you see is the armor I'm wearing." ”

I said, "I'm invisible." Only your gaze can penetrate the barrier and reach me. ”

(iv)

I have never told you these thoughts that flow through your heart. I know these subtle ups and downs that words can't accurately describe. I can't make you understand in words.

On the contrary, my misty eyes and lazy posture can gently sweep you into the stream of thoughts.

Whenever this happens, you always look a little overwhelmed and in a trance.

Once, when you were being led into this invisible stream like this, you whispered to me, "Xinxin, I don't know how to say it. There are times when you are very different from others. ”

You say, "Sometimes when you look at me, I feel like we're both dissolving in each other's consciousness." ”

"At these times, I feel that you are both very familiar and elusive."

You say, "You are ancient and mysterious, like a river that flows from the void, passing through me." ”

You say, "I can't help but be taken by you somewhere." My heart is full of excitement and anticipation. I want to follow you like this all the time. It's as if you have swept me away, and you can reach my source. ”

In your words, we are all silent.

It was as if it was approaching some kind of ultimate beginning.

What blows the flame into equilibrium and gives birth to a universe that can be described.

We suddenly felt at the same time that the beginning was probably not accidental. (To be continued.) )