(a)

Days without you are always pale.

In memory, they resemble vague figures with no faces. Every day looks rainy and foggy, and it's exactly the same.

At this age, I tried to recall more of my life in the palace of Yunzhou in the first year after marriage, but all I could remember was the outline of the palace's cornices under the sky, and the sound of the iron horses and bells above it in the wind. The rest, too many things, to remember.

Because of mental anguish, I read a lot of books that year.

Because of the limitation of identity, it is not appropriate to read other books, so there are only two types of books that are often read, one is Buddhist scriptures and the teachings of saints, and the other is poetry and songs.

I don't really like to read poems and songs that are in love or love for each other, because it makes my heart ache.

Among all the poems, I only like Wang Wei's poems very much, and I like the ethereal tranquility in his poems that are not moved by pain and disturbed by ordinary dust.

(b)

What I read more is actually Buddhist scriptures.

It appealed to me.

Because, I have discovered, it may be the book that mentions the most pain in life and the book that mentions death the most among the books in the world.

This makes me feel very familiar, like a person in the cold of winter who suddenly walks into a warm room, and I can't help but want to stay.

At that time, Buddhism was practiced or respected by all countries in that area.

Liu Shen and his mother also believed it.

(c)

When Liu Shen didn't come or wasn't in the palace, I often spent it reading the Bible.

All moments of Bible reading are peaceful.

Since then, I have been envious of the life of the Green Lantern Scroll.

That kind of seemingly poor and lonely life, I intuitively feel that people who can live in that kind of life must be very bright inside, very clear, very rich, and very powerful. Otherwise, with a frenzied and empty heart, how can one endure such a life?

Although I have lived in Yunzhou for almost 60 years, in fact, I have very few opportunities to wander around the city.

During my occasional travels, I saw the temple from afar, saw the shaved hair and the color of the robe on my body, and always admired it in my heart, and always remembered the past when I offered Liu Shen's love necklace to the temple at Yantang Pass.

Because I read a lot of Buddhist scriptures at that time, until now, my eyes are dizzy, my vision is not clear, and I still feel inexplicably cordial when I hear the monks chanting the evening drum and morning bell in the distance, and I feel familiar with many of the words and phrases they recite sarcastically. Whenever I see something related to the temple, I feel a special touch in my heart.

Just like thinking about the day and dreaming at night, the things that we used to be attached to in our hearts will have a great chance of meeting again in the future.

(iv)

Regarding the first New Year in Yunzhou, I only remember the ever-bright lantern enshrined in front of the Buddha and the tablet of my parents.

I only remember the rows of oil lamps, the bright and warm light, and the names of my parents written on red silk and tied to the wooden fence next to the lanterns.

I don't remember anything else.

I hope that the bright and warm light in front of the Buddha can illuminate the arduous and empty journey of all people's lives.

(5)

In the midst of my silent patience with the pain of birth and separation, and my strong hope and sincere prayer for liberation from the suffering, winter passed imperceptibly.

Spring, once again, in the cold wind, came.

My heart was heavy to see the snow in the courtyard begin to melt.

Because, that means you're going back to the war again.

You're going to leave places close to me, to places I'll never get to in my life.

Although they can't see each other, the taste is still different.

It is deeply comforting to know that you are living peacefully somewhere around you.

But now, this comfort is about to be lost.

I know that if you keep going back to that dangerous world again and again, there will come a time when you will never come back. It will devour you. Unless, before you do, put an end to it.

(f)

I want to see you so badly.

I thought quietly and was going crazy.

Even if it's just a glance from afar.

You are my other body, my other soul.

Separated from you like this, I will always be broken, forever dilapidated, incomplete, and shiny.

I will always be old, mossy, rusty, and discarded.

However, no one knows better than I do.

You won't let me see you.

Fu Tianliang, Xu Zaitian, Liu Shen, and even Xie Shuangcheng's wife, they can all see you, but only I can't. How strange is that. I was isolated as if I was in a crystal coffin.

Of course, if I ask to see you, there is no problem in forcing me to see you without your permission. But I know you don't want to.

Between your heart and mine, I finally chose to obey your heart.

Between making you sad or trying to be sad yourself, I still chose to be sad myself.

So, I was in your neighborhood, silent day by day. Answer with my silence, your silence. With my silence, I will say to you, "I don't want you to be embarrassed, I don't want you to be sad." ”

Even though I knew that you were about to leave, that you were about to be born and die, I didn't make a sound.

You have given me your mother's amulet. Now, on the battlefield, your only talisman is a quiet heart.

Because of the quiet and clear heart. The common source of your amazing intuition, accurate judgment, lightning reactions.

I can't help you with anything.

All I can help you with is not disturbing your heart.

Now, I understand what your father said to me: "Sometimes, when we love someone very much, we don't say anything to him from now on." ”